Chapter 8 #6
"That's the part I can't get past," Cassidy admitted. "Not yet. Maybe not ever. I can understand fear. I can understand secrecy. I can even understand making one terrible choice because you believe it prevents something worse." She shook her head. "But Claire was a child. She didn't have a choice."
"No. She didn't."
"She was a child, Helen."
Helen reached across and covered Cassidy's hand. "I know."
Cassidy closed her eyes for a moment.
The house remained quiet around them, warm and still, the kind of stillness that made grief feel closer. Upstairs, her children slept beneath this roof because Alex and Cassidy had chosen a different kind of life than the one they'd been living in Connecticut.
"Maybe that's what worries me about Jane," Cassidy said.
Helen waited.
"Her father is going to have reasons. Explanations. Some of them might even make sense." Cassidy opened her eyes. "And Jane will have to decide what to do with that. How much to believe. How much to reject. How much of him she can let herself want, even knowing what he is. What he's done."
Helen nodded.
"That's what worries me," Cassidy said. "And I think it's why she's pulled away. She doesn't know who he is anymore. Trust is gone. Everything that makes her who she is—that makes her want to work with Alex and Candace—it's all suddenly a question mark."
"Can I ask you something?"
Cassidy nodded.
"Is that what you fear? That Jim isn't who you think he is?"
Cassidy took a breath. "I don't fear it," she said.
"Because I know he isn't the person I thought I knew when I was little.
He isn't even the person I thought I'd started to understand when he came back.
There are pieces of him that belong to that person.
But there are pieces I can't make come together, Helen.
Intention doesn't always outweigh outcomes.
That's something I've learned the hard way. "
Helen smiled warmly. She adored Cassidy.
"Well, I hope you know how grateful I am that Alex has you."
The statement took Cassidy by surprise.
Helen giggled. "I should think you'd know that by now."
Cassidy shrugged. "I do. I guess I see it differently. As much as I struggle with my father—with all of this—I don't think I'd change it."
"No?"
"No. I don't think I'd change the past. Maybe I would never have met Alex. And, God forgive me, no matter what has happened, I don't want to imagine my life without her. Without our kids. Without you."
Helen smiled.
"And as much as it hurts—it still hurts—I wouldn't trade the chance to have my father back. To have Claire." Cassidy pressed back mounting tears. "I don't want to fall into that trap, Helen."
"What trap?"
"The one where I let what scares me make me forget what matters."
Helen took Cassidy's hand.
"Cassidy, you may resemble your father. Alex may carry parts of hers. We all do. You won't fall into that trap."
"How can you be so sure?"
Helen shrugged. "Because you recognize it for what it is, and you won't take the bait."
Cassidy was about to reply when her phone skidded across the table.
"It's Alex," she told Helen.
Helen nodded. "You take that."
"I can call her back."
Helen shook her head. "Take the call, Cassidy."
"Where are you?—"
"I'm going to make a call myself."
Cassidy picked up her phone as Helen walked away.
"Cass? You there?"
"I'm here."
"You sound a little—is everything okay?"
"I'm good, love. We're all good."
"Guess what?"
"I can't imagine what I'm supposed to guess," Cassidy said.
"I beat Dylan at eight ball. Twice."
Cassidy chuckled softly. "Did you beat Claire?"
Alex grumbled.
"You need more practice."
"Mm. Know anyone willing?"
"I might. You have to use the pool table for its intended purpose, though."
"Is that a challenge?"
"It might be," Cassidy said.
Alex laughed.
The sound eased something inside Cassidy. It didn't erase her questions or her anger. It eased it—enough that she could exhale fully and savor a deep breath.
Enough that she could remember what mattered.
"You sound better than when I called," Alex said.
Cassidy smiled. "And you sound like you're enjoying your time with Dylan and Claire."
"I like the chance to play pool."
"Mm. You do love a challenge."
"Not more than I love you."
Cassidy closed her eyes for a moment.
Across the room, Helen's quiet footsteps faded toward the hallway.
"Cass?"
"I'm here," Cassidy said. "I love you, too, Alex."
"I should let you go. I'll bet someone is pretending to sleep who actually needs to get to bed."
Cassidy laughed. "Safe bet."
"I'll call you tomorrow."
"I'll be here."
"Hey, Cass?"
"Yes?"
"I miss you."
"I miss you."
"Oh!"
Cassidy startled.
"Tell Mom that Claire found some cards my dad kept."
"Cards?"
"Yeah. I haven't looked through them. I'll bring them with me."
"I'll tell her."
"Okay. Night."
"Good night."
"And, Cass?"
Cassidy chuckled. Sometimes Alex was the most childlike of anyone she knew.
"Yes, love?"
"Tacos. Okay? Not pasta. Tacos when I get back."
Cassidy shook her head, amused. "I'll see what I can do."
"Tacos, Cass."
"Good night, Alex."
"Cass—"
Cassidy disconnected the phone with a chuckle. "Why does everything come back to tacos?"