20. Ivy
Ivy
The night slowly turned into day, and I stood by the windows waiting. Somewhere in the city, people were getting to work, and cars drove through the streets. None of them knew that as dawn broke, so did my heart. I hadn’t heard from anyone, and my feeling of apprehension grew as I stared at the sunrise.
Everyone else other than Hunter was oblivious to what was about to happen, happily sleeping in the bedrooms as I paced the floor. Hunter stumbled into the kitchen and took a single look at me before starting a cup of coffee. “Did you sleep any?”
I shook my head not responding, every nerve in my body flayed from worry. He added sugar and creamer to the cup, saying nothing before handing it to me. He pulled me against his side and laid his chin on the top of my head. “It’s all okay. I haven’t heard anything, but I’m sure they’re fine.”
Despite his words of assurance, my soul somehow knew. When we broke apart, I sipped on the hot, sweet liquid, ignoring how my stomach rolled and pressed the waves of nausea down. When the elevator door slid open, it was clear from a glance at everyone’s faces that something had happened. One by one, they shuffled into the penthouse. Dominic and Ethan looked fine despite their expressions. Caleb. Trey. Niko with puffy, red-rimmed eyes.
My brain stuttered as I looked them over again. And again. “Where is Cam?” I choked out. A stifled sob rattled from Niko as he shook his head at me. “Where is he?” I repeated it, hoping that the answer would change—that I had fallen asleep, and it was nothing more than a bad dream I couldn’t wake up from.
I fell to my knees, and a wail echoed against the walls. It took a moment for me to realize that the sound that wouldn’t end—that sounded like someone was dying—was coming from me. Without them saying the words, I knew what was happening.
Niko kneeled beside me, pulling me into his lap. His voice cracked as he said the words I wished he wouldn’t. “I’m so sorry, Ivy. I’m so sorry.” He cradled me, and his body shook, but I couldn’t comfort him. I couldn’t pull myself from my grief that felt so expansive that it was swallowing me whole.
And for some reason, I couldn’t cry, even though it felt like my chest was going to explode. The tears refused to come and give me the catharsis I so desperately wanted. All my emotions were stuck, leaving my stomach hollow and like I couldn’t get enough air to inflate my lungs.
The words from my suicide note rattled around in my brain. You know I could see you being my one true love in another lifetime. The shit you read about in a book or a fairytale. Fate wasn’t having that, though, was it? You’re so broken and bitter beneath your beautiful exterior. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. Maybe they were truer than I had known.
Had he found the peace he was looking for? Was he finally somewhere safe where the harshness of the world couldn’t touch him?
Whenever someone close to you dies unexpectedly, you have questions. We were still at the age where we were supposed to be untouchable, invincible, but life had taught me that wasn’t true. Not for the first time, I wondered what sins I had committed in a previous lifetime. What karmic debt was I paying off for choices I didn’t make?
“How?” It was the first question that came to mind, and it slipped out before I could stop it.
Trey answered me. “An explosion went off sooner than scheduled. We don’t know why. He was trapped beneath a beam.”
“Was he alone?” The thought of Cam being alone and scared in his last moments broke me further. The choking sensation grew as I waited.
Niko placed his hand on my face, tilting my head to face him. “Not until the very end. I got to see him right before.”
“Are you sure he’s gone and there isn’t a mistake?” I could hear the hysteria in my tone, but didn’t know how to stop it or the storm inside of me.
Caleb was the one who replied. Silently, he pushed off of the wall, his face pale and eyes wide. He offered me his hand, and I took it. Slowly, he ran his thumb over my skin. “We couldn’t save him. I wish it were a mistake.”
“Tell me what you need,” Niko whispered. The ends of his fingers played with my hair.
What did I need? To fall asleep and never wake up. To go lie on the cold January ground and allow the earth to swallow me home. For the suffering and misery to end. The idea of one of them being gone forever was too much to take. It was almost selfish to think, but hadn’t we all been through enough? Hadn’t I already been through enough? The idea that happily ever afters didn’t exist for girls like me crossed my mind, not for the first time.
Rather than say any of that out loud, I looked up when I heard a loud noise. Sergei was standing there, shaking his fist. A hole was in the sheetrock beside him, and silent tears streamed down Maya’s face. As bad as I felt, as all-encompassing as the sadness inside of me felt, nothing could have prepared me for the look on her face.
I was selfish . Cam was my lover with a complicated past, but for Maya, it was different. Cam was her older brother. The one who held her hand and raised her because their parents were absent. Cam was her entire world. I stood up and walked over to her without a word, wrapping my arms around her tightly. I let her hide her face in my chest.
I just needed to keep it together until later. After the sun had set again and the stars and moon were out, I could hide in the room’s darkness and fall apart. I could allow myself to think Of Cam’s ocean-blue eyes and how I felt safe when we weren’t fighting.
Until then, I could be strong.
“What am I supposed to do? Please don’t make me go back to my mom.”
I didn’t know everything about Cam’s mom, but I knew that their relationship was damaged beyond repair. All the men that I loved had complicated pasts and families. There was a reason that they wanted to escape Clearhaven. Maya couldn’t go back to her. I swallowed roughly and squeezed tighter. “Never. We’re your family now.”
Later that night, after everyone else was sleeping, I snuck into the room that Niko and Cam had briefly shared. I glanced around at the piles of dirty clothes and pulled out a t-shirt that I knew was Cam’s. It still smelled like him, and I inhaled deeply, allowing myself to think of the good moments we’d shared. There hadn’t been enough of them. Our history had been mired by miscommunication and misunderstandings. It had started with a mutual attraction that was tainted by both of our pasts.
And now there was no way to fix it.
We’d both been so blind. No amount of I love you, or I’m so sorry could fix what was broken. A sob built up in my chest as I curled on top of the blanket that smelled like him. The dam finally broke, soaking the pillow on which he had laid his head. There would eventually come a time when I wouldn’t be able to remember the sound of his voice. All of his clothes would lose their scent. Eventually, we would go through his things, sorting them into piles to give away. One day, it would almost be like he had never existed.
I laid one hand on my stomach as a reminder to myself that I had to be strong. I had to survive no matter what, because other people were counting on me. With my other hand, I tapped out a message on my phone.
Please come home. I need you.
The door to the room creaked open, and I didn’t bother lifting my head. I knew who it was, even if he didn’t say a word. The bed dipped behind me, and strong arms enveloped me, holding onto me as if I were the most precious thing in his life. “It’s all going to be okay,” he murmured into my hair like a prayer, almost as if he needed to hear the words as much as I did. “We’re going to make it.”
I wanted to argue with him and ask him how he could be so sure. How could he know it would be okay? It certainly didn’t feel like it.
Despite the gaping wound in my soul, the world kept turning. The world didn’t care if I was barely held together and my heart had been ripped out. The sun would still rise, storms would still rage, and in the end, nothing else would change. Cam would still be gone.
Happy New Year.