39. Ivy
Ivy
It had been a week since Rhyker had been rescued from the basement at Ross’ house. The guys hadn’t asked me about my time there, and I hadn’t offered. Compared to the horrors that we’d shared in the past, it felt trivial. The wound was so much smaller than the rest, and I didn’t want to burden them anymore.
Some women from the Gilded Lily had found jobs with Rayne or her network of friends. One was being trained as a bartender, another as a server. One was now employed at The Midas as a housekeeper, and another worked at the clinic my doctor, Nia, owned. Several were focusing on recovery. It was something I understood all too well as the ultrasound glided over the soft swell of my stomach, the technician taking photos of the baby.
“Everything looks wonderful. Do you want to know the gender?”
That was an excellent question. I wasn’t sure if I did or not. “Can you write it down for me? Then I can decide later?”
She nodded as she handed me a paper towel. “I can do that for you.”
Finding out the gender of Cam’s child was supposed to be a joyous occasion. However, a hint of sadness marred it. I couldn’t help it. How would he have felt if he had been there with me?
I cleaned myself up and grabbed my bag, depositing the piece of paper into it for later. I headed to the sixth floor to see the brother I barely knew. He hadn’t woken up yet, and Frankie hadn’t left his side. When I entered the room, she rose, giving me a hug. “I’ve missed you.”
I gave her a soft smile. The events of the past weeks had worn on her, leaving her typically tan, weather-worn skin paler than usual. The purple dye that covered the silver of her hair had faded, and her roots needed a touch-up. “How is he?” I asked.
Her face lit up, a sign that something had happened. “You missed him waking up. At first, I thought I was imagining things. His fingers had twitched earlier in the day. He’s back asleep now. They told me they were going to try to extubate him tomorrow.”
I squeezed her tightly, happy that things were looking up. Maybe everything was going to be alright after all.
Rayne insisted that I always have one of her bodyguards with me. She’d assigned Joey to me since she was home for the day. He was usually her shadow, even at Inferno, but today, he was mine. “Can we stop at the cemetery?” I asked him as I walked out of the hospital. The question came out before I could stop it.
In my mind, I had been avoiding the fact that Cam was gone. At the apartment, I was still surrounded by his black and white photographs. Since I’d been back, I could pretend he was on vacation somewhere. I could pretend he was anywhere else. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious effort, and at dinner I had to stop myself from asking whether he’d be there. Or wondering how football practice was, even though it was still winter.
I’d been holding on to the hope we’d find him, eventually. I daydreamed that maybe one day he would walk in, paler than usual, a few pounds lighter with dirt smudged on his cheeks, and he’d fall to his knees, asking me to forgive him for taking so long to find his way back to me. Or maybe he’d wear brand new jeans and have a fresh haircut. He’d wrap me into a hug and tell me that the Order had him held captive, and he’d convinced them to let him go finally.
Maybe we’d fight, or maybe we’d make love. Either would be fine with me because he’d be there.
It was time to let that hope go. I wouldn’t see him again in this lifetime, and pretending wasn’t doing me or anyone else any favors. It was time for me to start living again, even if it was small. That didn’t mean forgetting him, but it did mean letting myself grieve.
Joey tilted his head in acknowledgment but said nothing as he changed lanes. The black wrought-iron gates to the cemetery were open, and I sucked in a breath. I hadn’t visited since the day that we’d lowered his empty coffin into the ground. In some ways, it was silly to visit Cam at his grave, knowing he wasn’t there, but it was closer than the alternative.
The place I knew I’d feel closest to him was the ocean. Given everything that had happened, I couldn’t ask Joey if we could drive all the way to Clearhaven so I could talk to a man who was dead. He’d tell me no, or worse, ask Rayne or the guys for permission. I didn’t want them to know what I was doing, at least not for a while.
He drove to the plot and stepped out of the car. As I walked toward the new tombstone, Joey didn’t come closer. He gave me the privacy I needed as I settled onto the grass, crossing my legs. The icy wind whipped around my face, making my skin sting. I reached into the bag and pulled out the piece of paper. “I guess you aren’t coming home, and there are things I need to tell you.”
Emotion welled up in my throat, and I hated how tight it felt. I unfolded the paper and swallowed. “The baby is a boy. I decided on the way over that we should find out together. Part of me feels so stupid talking to someone who isn’t there, but another part hopes you’re listening from somewhere.”
I let my fingers travel along the cold marble engraving, tracing his name. Camden Barrett. He died at twenty-two years old. Even that made me feel sad. He’d still had so much life to live. Had his death—his sacrifice—been made in vain?
“For a while, I really thought that you’d come back to me. I thought that we’d have more time. Now, I guess I know better. It’s hard to hold on to hope when everyone reassures me you’re gone. I’ve wondered what the baby will look like. Will he have your blond hair and blue eyes? If you were here, would you be excited and dream about teaching him how to throw a football? Will Niko teach him how to play guitar, or will Trey pull him into his lap to watch videos of animated ducks that sing?”
My face burned, and I rubbed at it, trying to remove the moisture from my cheeks. “Will I always feel like there is a hole in my heart?” That was the real question, the one that kept me up late at night. I still had so much to live for, but it felt empty, like something was missing. Even curled up next to Niko as he slept, there was a piece of the puzzle that was gone.
I leaned my cheek against the cold stone. “If this is all a terrible trick, now would be the time you should jump out and say so.”
Dry grass crunched from nearby, and a familiar figure sat across from me. “I didn’t think I’d find you here,” Maya said, a small smile on her lips. We hadn’t talked much since the morning we’d found out he was gone.
I sat up straight and adjusted my clothes. “I thought he was coming home.” The words were so quiet the wind could have plucked them from the air.
She nodded at me and reached out for my hand. “I know. I also know why you went back to them after everything… and after everything they did to you.”
We sat there in silence for several moments before she opened her mouth. “It’s not my place to tell you this, but I need to. It’s the same as when you sat on the beach with me that night, offering me comfort, not knowing who I was. Forgive yourself, Ivy. Not only for you, but also for my nephew.”
My cheeks heated at her statement. She’d heard me. She held up a hand to stop me from responding. “I won’t tell anyone. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. Every day after school, I stop by. Most times, Katya comes with me. Sometimes Sergei does, too. Today, when I saw you here, I told them to drop me off.”
Her fingers trailed the dry grass for a moment before she stared at me. “I know you want to take care of everyone around you, but it’s time you take care of yourself. I don’t know what that looks like for you. It’s different for both of us. You aren’t the reason any of this happened. Cam’s death was a tragic accident. Everything else is because… there are terrible people in the world. They’ve hurt both of us.” She laced her fingers with mine. “One day, we’ll look back at all of this as a bad dream. Until then, we have to keep fighting. In the end, it will all be worth it. You can’t keep deciding to keep the rest of us safe. At a certain point, you have to look out for yourself, even if it kills you. The rest of us have to sink or swim.”
Her words settled deep into my soul. I wanted to argue with her and tell her that none of it was true. I was to blame for Cam’s death. He wouldn’t have been there that night if it weren’t for me. I wanted to yell that it wasn’t fair to abandon everyone else if they needed me. How was I supposed to allow the Order or whoever else to do whatever they wanted, especially to Maya?
But another part of me knew that everything she said had a shred of truth. Even if Cam had never met me, who was to say that the Forsaken wouldn’t have done the same thing to the Order? In another timeline, Cam could have still been there. In another timeline, he would have still died, the only difference being the two of us had never met.
I wasn’t sure which one felt worse: having lost him or the idea of never having known him.