40. Niko
Niko
Ever since Cam died, I hadn’t been able to shake the nightmares that consumed me. Sometimes, I relived the moments before his death and woke up in a cold sweat. Afterward, sometimes I wished that I’d stayed until the building collapsed.
I hated the fact I didn’t know how long he’d lived after the explosion. Had he suffered alone? Mostly, I thought about the fact that it should have been me. It was probably survivor’s guilt. That was a term for when you lived, but others didn’t. Maybe I should have tried harder to save him or tried to pull him from the rubble. Maybe I should have held his hand so he wouldn’t be alone.
These were thoughts I kept hidden from everyone else. Ivy wasn’t the only one suffering. We all did in our own ways.
Playing guitar didn’t feel the same, and neither did getting high. At night, when everyone else was sound asleep, I had done my fair share of both. Sometimes, it was on the rooftop with Hunter’s friend, Ethan. We didn’t really talk; we just passed a joint or a bottle back and forth. Sometimes, it was with Belle at my side, looking at me with concern.
The other thing that haunted me was the fact that deep down inside, I knew Cam had known his time was up. We should have called the whole thing off. Maybe if we had gone with the second plan first, killing Caleb’s grandfather and walking guns blazing into the Order meeting, Cam would have been alive. But instead of voicing his concerns, he did what he had to.
He was a damn fool. He had been about Ivy, too. It didn’t matter, though; I missed him every day.
If he had lived, what would have become of him? We had finally made it out of Clearhaven, but at what cost? Would he have gotten a job at an office working nine to five, or would he have attempted to play football professionally? Maybe he would have become a photographer, his photos hung in galleries across the city. The sky was the limit until fate intervened.
When I returned to the apartment well after midnight, Ivy was awake, carefully taking ornaments from the tree that still sat decorated in the corner. Belle was curled up asleep on the couch. She was a constant reminder that even though Cam could be an ass, he had a soft side. Most people would have fed the dog or ignored it, but Cam had decided without a discussion that she belonged with the rest of us. I walked up behind her, placing my hands on her hips. She melted into me and laid her head on my chest. “What are you doing?”
She let out a small laugh. “Someone reminded me I had to take care of myself and that it’s time for me to live. I decided the first step was to take down the Christmas tree. At this rate, I should buy ornaments for the next holiday.”
I gave her a small smile and kissed her temple. “Want some help?”
Together, we worked seamlessly, taking down the fragile decorations and placing them in a cardboard box. For a while, we said nothing. It was the comfortable type of silence two people who understood each other shared. “It’s a boy.” I raised an eyebrow at her, but let her keep talking. “I have to come up with a name; all I can think of is Phoenix. I keep wondering if he would like that.”
I cleared my throat and placed a small red ball into the box. “I think he would like whatever you came up with. The better question is, do you like it?”
She lifted a shoulder at me. “It feels appropriate. I like the idea of rising from the ashes. It’s not like our lives haven’t gone up in flames.”
I pulled her to me, wanting to hold her. I wanted to show her everything that was hard to say out loud. “Maybe this is our turning point.” I pressed my lips to hers for a moment. “Remember how you told me once that we were never dirty or tainted? That sometimes people who didn’t have the right took things that were never theirs to take? Don’t let them take this from you, too. We’ve given up enough. Phoenix is a beautiful name.”
She softly kissed me, her lips feeling like home. It was almost everything I wanted. “I have a feeling you need to remember that, too.”
I let go of her, her words settling into the deepest parts of my soul. She was right. It wouldn’t happen overnight, but I needed to remember. Grief took time, just like the other scars I carried. We finished the tree, and I closed the lid of the box, folding the flaps underneath one another.
“Come to bed with me.” It wasn’t a demand. Ivy didn’t need anyone else telling her what to do. Between the bodyguards and the tracker under her skin, she had plenty of rules, things she could and couldn’t do. Being pregnant, there were more rules that dictated her life. She couldn’t have as much coffee, she couldn’t eat certain fish, and she wasn’t supposed to have alcohol.
Asking her to come to bed was a request. I wanted her to sleep next to me and wake up to see her face in the morning. It didn’t cause all of my nightmares to disappear, but they weren’t as frequent. I wanted to worship her body before I drifted off. I wanted to show her she was loved and that I was proud of her for trying.
Holding out my hand, I waited for her to respond. When she took it, I nearly sighed in relief. She hadn’t stayed alone with me since she had been back home. I yearned for the connection only she could give me. After we were behind closed doors, I stripped out of my clothes and pulled the blanket back so she could slip in next to me. When she did, her naked skin pressed against mine, and I wrapped my arms around her. My lips found hers even in the dark as I covered her flesh in kisses.
Everyone wanted to possess Ivy, but I wanted her to know she possessed me. From the first time I had ever met her, she had bewitched me. My soul was hers if she wanted it. I’d snuck into her window more times than I could count while she slept to watch her dream. I was the reason she’d nearly overdosed. When it came to her, I was both weak and strong. I would give her anything she wanted and everything she needed.
She pushed against my shoulder, and I turned to my back as she straddled me. She guided my cock into her wet heat and sank down on me. As she rolled her hips, my hands drifted along her body in a prayer.
After Cam’s death, I’d given up any hope that there was a god who was watching down over us, trying to keep us safe. It had been a fragile concept over the years, tested by my mother’s death and my father’s addiction. Now, I worshiped Ivy’s body like it was the only thing that mattered. My lips traced along her curves as she whimpered in the darkness.
My hands cupped her breasts as she rocked faster, bringing herself closer to the edge, and I lay still beneath her, allowing her to take what she needed. As her tempo increased, my restraint slipped as I thrust upward. In the moonlight, her pale skin glowed.
And when she came, I memorized the way her features twisted, her pussy gripping me tight. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Her fingers trailed along the scar at my hip as mine traced the scar that Trey had given her. Our souls matched. The hurt, the joy. We mirrored one another.
After I came, I rolled over, trapping her beneath my body, my cock still inside her. Her eyes fluttered closed, even as our hearts raced from what we had done.
As I drifted off to sleep and our breathing evened out, I noticed that even our hearts beat in unison. “I love you,” I whispered, even though she couldn’t hear me. She was already out, and hopefully, her dreams were better than mine.