44. Ivy
Ivy
I sat on the unfamiliar leather couch, glancing around the room. Rayne told me I should talk to someone she knew, but I hadn’t realized who it would be. Across from me sat a man with silver hair and tattoos that peeked out from beneath the button-up he was wearing. He stroked his beard in contemplation, observing me. Supposedly, Ash was a therapist, but he didn’t look like one. If anything, he reminded me of someone who belonged in a movie about the mob.
Finally, I got the courage to speak. ”Rayne suggested I see you.”
He gave me a soft smile. “She called to let me know you’d be stopping by.”
The silence between the two of us was comfortable, and I sank further into my seat, clutching the steaming cup of coffee he had offered me. “I’m not sure if you can help me.” He lifted his shoulder in a half-hearted shrug, letting me take control of the conversation. “I don’t know if you’ll even want to help me after this. I’ve done some terrible things.”
Flashes of my aunt’s last moments and Well’s blood flitted to the front of my mind. Could I even talk about that kind of thing with him? Would he run straight to the police once he knew? This was all a huge mistake.
His lips twisted in amusement. “I’ve done terrible things too. It’s doubtful either of us are saints.” I scoffed at him, doubting that he had ever done the kinds of things I had. It was funny that, as humans, we always thought our experience was special and our circumstances were unique. No one could ever feel as strongly as we did. No one could have experienced the pain that we had.
“It seems like you don’t believe me. What if I told you nothing said here will ever leave the room? We could even make a blood pact if it puts your mind at ease.” My eyes went wide, and he lifted an eyebrow, his hand stroking his beard. “Or we could skip the blood pact, and I could reassure you I will take your secrets to my grave.”
I wasn’t sure if he was attempting to be funny or if he was serious, but in the end, it didn’t matter. Rather than sit across from one another, neither speaking, words spilled out of my mouth. They were painful and truthful, demons demanding to be let loose. I told him all about my nightmares and how I had ended up in Clearhaven. Then, I detailed my abuse at the hands of Arabella and Cam and the way I had been dumped on the side of the road. I only made it to the part where the police kidnapped me before he glanced at his watch. “I have another appointment in five minutes. How does next week look for you?”
I nodded at him. The weight on my soul wasn’t gone, but I did somehow feel lighter, as if by just saying it out loud, I was taking its power. By voicing everything that happened, it didn’t hurt as much. I hadn’t even gotten to the worst parts yet. “Yeah, next week. Same time?”
He gave me a nod, and I waited to see if he had said anything else to say. He stood and patted my back. “Same time. You’re going to be okay. You remind me of someone that I know.”
I grabbed my jacket and walked out, grateful that Rayne had recommended I see him. I didn’t know how she knew him, but it didn’t matter. She’d given me another gift: a safe place to spill my sins. They weren’t written on my skin, but instead burned in my soul.
One day, I wanted to be like her—fearless and unapologetic. It would still be a while before I would be either.
To my surprise, Rayne was standing outside of Ash’s office; Joey was seated with a magazine in his lap. He lifted his chin in acknowledgment, and Rayne gave me a quick hug. “Text me later. Ash hates it when I’m late,” she said before disappearing inside the door. “
I made a mental note as I walked out into the drizzle. Life was changing again. I could feel it. I could only hope that it was changing for the better this time.
Later that night, when I was positioned at the stove, stirring soup that Niko had helped prepare, the topic of the future came up. We rarely talked about the future. It was almost like we were afraid to rock the boat, that it would destroy the small amount of peace we had found.
Niko blew out a quick breath, his arms crossed over his chest. “I think I’m going to take a class over the summer. I think it’s time, at least for me.”
I could understand his reasoning. Cam wasn’t going to reappear magically. If Caleb and Ros had the Order under control, even temporarily, getting back into a routine would help him. I wasn’t quite ready for that commitment, but I didn’t have to say that. Everyone knew.
“You only have one semester left, right?”
He glanced away, and the entire room was silent. “It might take longer than that. I want to do something different. After everything… I think I want to be a teacher.”
My heart ached at his words because I knew exactly why he wanted to do that. Every night, he sat down with Cam to help him with his homework. I didn’t know when it started, but it was a part of them. Cam struggled with reading, and if Niko became a teacher, it would be a way to help other people. It was a way for him to make an impact. It was fitting.
“I think that you’ll be fantastic at it.”
I hadn’t considered what I wanted to do with my life. For some reason, I doubted that any eighteen or nineteen-year-old knew what they wanted to do with their life in the long term. Add in boatloads of trauma, and the idea of committing to a single career path was terrifying. It was hard enough getting dressed in the morning, and soon, I would have a tiny child who depended on me.
Trey cracked open an energy drink, a habit he had cut back on. He took a quick gulp before speaking. “I’m also going to finish my degree this summer. But I need to confess something.” I waited with bated breath to see what else he wanted to say. “I really don’t need to right now. None of you do if you want to wait a while. Dominic purchased one of my programs, and I’m working on something else for him. I was thinking… maybe we should buy a house. It’s not that I don’t love the apartment we’re living in, but we need more space. With the baby coming, along with Sergei, Maya, and Katya, it would be nice to have something that we could call ours. Maybe something with more bathrooms.”
I laughed at the way he said more bathrooms. The teenagers hogged the bathrooms in the morning, preening in the mirror. “Okay, so maybe we could look online–”
He grinned sheepishly at me and cut me off. “I may have already signed the paperwork.” He dangled a set of keys from his fingertips as Katya and Maya let out a squeal, jumping up and down in excitement. It was contagious, especially the way they laughed and hugged each other.
“Last thing,” Trey interjected, trying to talk over the teenagers celebrating. “It wasn’t just my idea. It was Caleb’s as well.”
I arched an eyebrow at the man I was married to. “How?”
He grinned at me and wrapped an arm around me. “Because, princess, we need it. Despite all of his threats, my grandfather left all of his assets to me. Even after I donated most of it to charity, there is still enough for us to live off of. It was the one good thing that he ever did. Between Trey’s money and mine, none of us have to worry ever again.”
Instead of arguing that there were plenty of things we needed to worry about, I let myself feel excited. Happiness was something so foreign, yet I could feel a sliver of hope inserting itself into my broken heart. We would have a home, somewhere to raise the baby growing inside me. We would have a place where Maya, Katya, and Sergei could finish high school and come home for the holidays. We would have a place where we could grow old together.
I stirred the pot in front of me, the ghost of a smile playing on my lips.