Chapter 70
The only sense of reality I have right now are the fast-falling drops of rain that are all but pelting onto my skin.
They are relentless in their approach – biting into the cut on my face – yet somehow, they make me feel…
I don’t know, grounded, I suppose. Because if it wasn’t for the rain, I’d be too far down in my head, and my thoughts would end up pulling me under eventually.
But the cold wind is keeping me stable, and the goosebumps it’s igniting are reminding me that I’m still alive.
I don’t know how I’ll move forward without Jayce, and it’s because I haven’t had to do that for more than half my life. He’s just always been
there, and even though I can’t sit on his loss for the rest of my days, I can sure as hell let myself feel it.
The hole he’s left in my goddamn chest will never fill up, but I guess that’s how it is when you lose a part of yourself.
And that’s exactly what Jayce was: a part of me; the other side of the coin.
A reflection of myself.
I bow my head and close my eyes, and try not to shiver when a gust of chilly air swishes past me.
I hear soft splashes of water behind me, seconds before I sense her presence.
Her warm, steady breaths cut through the cold when she leans in and presses a kiss on the back of my neck, and my body all but folds in on itself at how good that one small gesture felt.
I turn, and there she is – soaking wet, and still, the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. My twisted fucking addiction; the woman who has all but consumed me inside out.
“Come inside, Dor; it’s fucking freezing out here,” she says, then pushes away the wet strands of her hair that are sticking to her face.
“In a bit,” I tell her, then clear my throat when my voice sounds scratchy to my ears.
Cignette frowns, then steps close to me. “Then I’ll stay here with you.”
I shake my head. “Go back inside, Cigs. You’ll catch a cold.”
“You can catch it to, you know? You’re not invincible.”
I know she said this as a logical response to my comment, but it makes me flinch regardless. It’s because she’s right; I’m not fucking invincible, and it literally took losing someone important in my life for me to realize that.
“I didn’t…” Her brows knit together as she frowns. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I swear.”
“I know.” I swallow and hold her by the waist. “Trust me, I get it.”
“I’m so sorry…” she whispers. Her lips part as she sucks in a breath, and then she starts to cry.
“Cigs.” I pull her to me, and just looking at the pain, and the utter sadness on her face, makes my own tears fall. Because I can echo what she’s going through – the turmoil, the guilt, and the emptiness.
“I’ve caused nothing but chaos,” she says while crying harder. “Loss and sorrow and…chaos.”
“No.” When she looks to the ground and continues to sob, I grab her chin and lift her face.
“What happened today was not your fault. Maverick and Jayce’s deaths – they’re a result of Chase’s madness.
Me and the crew knew there’d be fatalities the moment we stepped into his estate, and even though I’d hoped nothing would go wrong, it did.
But that’s not on you, and I don’t, not for a second, blame you.
And I’m sure Alex and Varsha don’t, either.
You can’t carry the weight of something that wasn’t even in your hands to begin with. It’s not fair to you.”
She shakes her head as if she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying.
“You and the crew got involved into all of this because of me. If I hadn’t come to you after killing Riley, you wouldn’t have gone after my mom.
She’d still be here, and Dad wouldn’t know about us, and Jayce and Mave would still be alive and–”
“Fucking shut up.”
The rain has slowed down a little, so I can now see her face with a bit more clarity when she blinks up at me in surprise.
“Putting an end to Miranda is something I’ll never regret, and if I could, I’d do it all over again,” I tell her honestly.
“And Jayce – he died trying to protect me today. He took the blow that was meant for me. And Mave – he did exactly the same for you. You know why that is?” A fresh stream of tears blurs my vision.
“It’s because they wanted us to live. It’s because they knew that it was next to impossible for all of us to make it out of that situation unscathed, so they willingly put themselves forward.
It was stupid and reckless of them, but still, they did it for us.
The least you and I can do, Cigs, is respect their decision by doing what they wanted us to do. ”
“I don’t mean to be a burden to you, not when you’re grieving as well. I just…” She looks to the side. “I wish things had been different. I wish I could do something to fix this; to make it better somehow.”
“You can’t. And I can’t, either. They’re gone, and we’re here, and that’s the fucking truth.”
Her shoulders shake as she cries, and something in my gut twists.
“Baby…” I cup her jaw. “Look at me.”
She doesn’t, and keeps her eyes on the street behind me.
“Cignette.” I run the pad of my thumb over her cheek. “Look at me, please.”
That shifts something in her. She brings her gaze to mine, and when I scan her face – the openness on it – I let go of an exhale and say the words I’ve known to be true for a while now.
“I love you.” I pull her closer to me, and watch as she inhales sharply in return.
“I fucking love you, Cignette Adler, and I won’t be able to do any of it without you.
Living, breathing, functioning – none of it.
I’ll need you by my side every step of the way, so I want you to get a hold of yourself and stop feeling sorry for the both of us.
It’s not going to help anyone, and it’s not the way to honor Jayce and Maverick.
So yeah, whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me, and I’m too fucking selfish to let you hurt yourself. ”
She cups my wrist with one hand, and fists the front of my vest with the other. She looks dazed, almost shocked.
“Say that again,” she rasps, then sniffs.
I bend and touch my nose to hers, making sure to keep my eyes on her.
“I love you,” I repeat myself. “I think I’ve loved you for a while now, but I kept pushing the thought away in fear of rushing you with it.
Every time I’d feel my body buzz in your presence, or feel a welcoming weight on my chest when you were near, I knew; knew what the fuck it meant.
And as much as I’ve loathed the term for the power it holds over us, I can’t deny that I feel it for you.
I’m in love with you, and it’s a thing that’ll never go away, because it’s instilled into every fiber of my being. ”
She laughs, and then she cries. She fists my vest tighter, then tilts her head to the side and places a kiss on my lips.
“And I love you. I’ve known it since the night you took me to that hill after Varsha killed Gavin.
You told me then how love made you weak, but all I could think about was how much stronger I was, simply by knowing I loved you.
You help me fly, Dorran, and it’s something I’ll forever be grateful for. ”
Hearing her say these things is overwhelming. It’s thrilling and terrifying, and I’ll never get tired of it, despite knowing that I don’t fully deserve it.
“It’s all you,” I tell her. “It’s always been you.
Whether it was surviving your mother’s cruelty or standing up to her.
Whether it was ending Riley’s life for his intentions towards you, or killing your father for what he took from you and I, you did it all by yourself, Cignette.
And as much as I’d like to take credit for your strength, I won’t, because you’re a force of nature – one I’m more than happy to stand behind, and not overshadow. ”
She cups my face and pulls me down to kiss me, and I wrap my arms around her middle and kiss her back.
She tangles her fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck, and my body hums against the pressure. “Promise me that you’ll never leave me,” she commands in between kisses.
“Never. And if I’ve ever given you the impression, then I’m sorry.” I press her body against mine. We’re so close that we’re sharing the same breath. It’s perfect. It’s everything.
“No…” She opens her mouth and kisses me harder, and I can only keep up with her. “I love you, Dorran.”
“I love you, Little Swan.”
The rain picks up again, but Cignette and I continue to hold onto each other. As long as I have her, and she has me, we can take on anything together. Broken and battered and bruised – she is it for me, and I can only hope that I’m enough for her.
The Flawed Princess and her Bloody Prince – we’re a tale not many know about, but maybe one day they will. Maybe someone will write our story onto pages, and if they do, I wonder if it’ll resonate with those who read it.
Not every love story is inked in blood, but mine and Cignette’s is. And it’s okay, because it’s our misshaped reality – the only one we know.
The only one we’ll always know.