Chapter 15 #2
“I can’t suddenly lie and promise that I will love your daughter.
I believe I can grow fond of her, but my heart belongs to someone else.
It has for years. I spent two years courting Myrna, and we planned to wed after Samhain.
That’s less than two moons from now. But I swore to protect Cairren and to be faithful to her.
I will not take Myrna or any other woman to my bed, but neither can I suddenly stop loving Myrna.
I don’t ken what to do.” Padraig sighed.
“That’s not true. I ken what I should do, but I’m discovering I’m more selfish than I imagined.
I admit I’ve been trying to devise a way to keep both women here, to enjoy both of their company in their own way.
But you pointed out what I realized myself this morning: I’m turning my wife into my mistress.
I admit I desire Cairren in a way that I’ve never felt for a woman before.
What passed between us last night was unlike aught I could imagine intimacy to be.
But that doesn’t mean I love her, and it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop loving Myrna.
” Padraig shook his head as he looked back at the keep.
“I didn’t intend to hurt Cairren. Truly.
Not like the others have. I just keep mucking everything up with her. ”
Padraig looked at Innes, and he wished he hadn’t. The man wasn’t angry; he no longer appeared sad; he was nothing. It was almost like how Cairren drifted away when she felt trapped, but the look in Innes’s eyes was pity for a man he’d given up on. Innes shook his head and sighed.
“It’s time you stopped acting like a spoiled child and started being a mon. No one gets to have it all. You included.” Innes walked away, leaving Padraig alone once again.
Cairren climbed into her bed and stared at the ceiling in the dark.
She’d presented the head and antlers to Micheil, and he’d stood speechless for a long moment before looking at Innes and laughing.
He demanded to know who had really taken down the buck.
The Kennedy guards were standing at her back as she made the presentation and explained that they gave the venison everyone ate that night in appreciation for the Munros hosting the wedding.
Cairren sensed the disgust among the men as Micheil went along the line, asking each man in turn if he’d killed the deer.
She’d stood with her back straight, as always, but she’d been most angry at Padraig for his cowardice.
He knew she’d been the one to take the shot, the only one to take the shot.
He could have spoken up on her behalf, but instead, he left her to stand in front of his clan to be ridiculed by his father.
She hadn’t spared him a glance the entire night.
Cairren rolled onto her side and hugged the spare pillow to her chest. She’d fallen asleep the same way the night before, remembering how it had felt to wrap herself around Padraig.
For the few hours they had together, she’d felt accepted and wanted.
She’d fooled herself into thinking Padraig would do the right thing.
Even if he didn’t give up Myrna entirely, that maybe he wouldn’t contribute to Cairren’s suffering.
But it was less than a half hour after they left the bed where he’d introduced her to passion that she heard him with Myrna, then saw him holding her.
She wasn’t even angry with him at that point.
She was furious with herself for letting her guard down, for making a fool of herself.
When someone knocked, she assumed it was her mother coming to say goodnight one last time even though Collette had tucked Cairren in just as she had when Cairren was a child. She opened the door, expecting to see Collette. “Maman?”
“Nay, lass. It’s me.” Padraig stood in the passageway with his leine and plaid on but no boots or stockings. Cairren pushed the door to slam it in his face, but he caught it before it closed.
“Leave me alone, Padraig, I will scream this keep down.” Cairren turned away from him. “Close the door behind you.”
“I’m not leaving, Cairren.” At Padraig’s refusal, she spun around and opened her mouth to scream. “Wait! I want to have that talk. We haven’t come to a truce, and that’s my fault. I would set things to rights.”
“Set things to rights?” Cairren scoffed. “Get out.”
“Not until we’ve talked.”
“Talked? So you can make things all better between us so by morning you can—what did your man say—be tired from fucking me all night. Thank you. No. I decline.”
“That wasn’t why I came.”
“You are a useless liar. It is. You came hoping to straighten things out enough to appease me and then convince me to let you bed me. Mayhap you’d have the decency not to ask for it tonight, but you plan to fool me into letting you into my bed or getting me to go to yours.
” Cairren crossed her arms but stepped toward Padraig.
“Do you know what the most pathetic part of all of this is? Even knowing you want someone else, I’d bed you again.
Every bluidy night because I enjoyed it, because I desire you and you desire me.
But you’re too weak. You can’t balance everything, so you can’t have it all.
As long as I’m putting my life at risk to roll around with you, you’re not worth it.
You want to love Myrna, but you want to fuck me.
I’m not the one trying to stop you from having what you want.
I have no designs on trying to make you fall in love with me.
I’ve never told you not to love Myrna. I only told you I wanted her to leave because I don’t feel safe.
I encouraged you to visit her every day.
I even said I don’t care if you bed her.
I’ve been here three days, and there hasn’t been a moment outside of lying on your bed or leaving the keep with my parents when I haven’t feared for my safety.
Myrna only fears not getting what she wants.
You are naught more than a spoiled child in a mon’s body.
You tout doing your duty, but you haven’t a clue what duty is.
You want to play with your toys rather than lead by example.
I wouldn’t follow you into battle. I wouldn’t even follow you to a chamber pot.
Now get out.” Cairren pointed toward the door.