Chapter 39
Padraig wanted nothing more than to soak in a hot bath with his wife leaning back against him, or better still, draped over him.
He was hungry, tired, and irritated. He’d expected his parents to put up an argument, but he’d also seen his mother’s reaction when Cairren asked her about Duncan.
He knew she was involved in Duncan’s plan, and it wouldn’t surprise him if she were the mastermind.
His father was stubborn and too prideful.
And I wonder where I get it from. What has it gained either of us?
The clan doesnae respect him. He only has control because he intimidates everyone into going along with him.
I should have had faith in the clan council, but they’ve dragged their feet to intervene.
Pride goeth before the fall, and I’ve tumbled head over heels.
Perhaps I should have listened a little better to ma Bible lessons.
Pride has lost me ma wife. I ken she still wants to leave.
Do I take her to Stirling? Do I insist she stay?
That’ll only make her run away with Lachlan.
Do I trust him to take her? That I ken is a nay. I dinna trust anyone with Ren’s life.
“Padraig, did you hear me?” Cairren’s voice broke through his thoughts.
“Sorry, Ren. I was lost in thought,” Padraig smiled sheepishly.
“I need to talk to you,” Cairren said as they entered their chamber. Her eyes swept around the room, a chamber filled with her best and worst memories.
“I ken. You’re still going to Stirling, aren’t you?” Padraig saw no reason not to go straight to the point.
“Aye. I can’t stay here. Not as long as your parents and Duncan live here, and that will be for many years.”
“Then let’s go to Dunure.” Padraig hesitated as he wondered if she wasn’t only leaving Foulis, but leaving him.
“I will think aboot that. If I can spare anyone traveling in winter, I will. The weather is changing, and I don’t ken that I’ll make it to Stirling before the first snowfall. Dunure might be too far.”
“Before you make it to Stirling. So you’re going without me?” Padraig’s voice grew quieter with each word. The realization that Cairren might ride away without him and never return made him want to heave or cry, perhaps both.
“You can’t. You’re still Duncan’s second. You have duties here, and you will be Duncan’s heir until he has a son. We have no way of knowing when that will be.”
“The way he and Myrna are, it should take aboot a sennight. They’ll likely wed soon.”
“I will not live under the same roof as her again. She’ll only be worse once she and Duncan are openly allied.”
“Then allow me to stay in Stirling until we can go to Dunure,” Padraig tried to reason.
“And do what? Become a courtier? The queen might accept me among her matrons, but what will you do? Spend all day, every day in the lists? You’d be miserable.”
“I’d be with you,” Padraig insisted.
Cairren’s shoulders slumped. They’d come to an impasse, their differences too irreconcilable to move forward.
She wouldn’t remain at Foulis with his family governing her life, and he couldn’t leave because he was duty-bound to remain.
“Let Lachlan take me to Stirling. Time apart might not be horrible.”
“Yes, it would. Ren, I want you by my side, not halfway across the country. We have much to overcome, much for me to prove. How can we do that with you in Stirling and me in the Highlands? Unless you don’t want to work things out.
” The idea crushed Padraig when he said it out loud.
It was one thing when it was a thought silently swirling around in his mind.
He could push it to the side, pretend like it was never there.
But he’d said it aloud, and it was very real, hanging in the air between him.
Cairren wanted to avoid answering. She wanted to skirt the issue, but she knew Padraig would realize what she was doing and persist until he got an answer. She opted for honesty. “I don’t know.”
Padraig nodded. He supposed it was better than her saying no.
Her admission was the last thing said before the servants arrived with food and the bath.
Padraig looked keenly at the tub, but Cairren’s eyelids were already beginning to droop.
He needed to get her fed, warm, and clean before she climbed into their bed.
Our bed. That’s the last time I might ever think of it that way.
But who am I kidding? I have nay one to blame but maself.
I could have done the honorable thing and sent Myrna away before Cairren even arrived, but I didna.
I wanted to have everything, a wife to bed and another woman to love.
I did this. I destroyed our chance. I’m more to blame than ma parents, Duncan, and Myrna combined.
I pledged maself to her, and didna mean any of it except for the part aboot nae sharing ma bed with another woman.
Why would I have needed to? All I did back then was lust for her.
Things couldnae be more different, yet they’re still the same. She canna stay.
Padraig pushed his self-recrimination aside as he helped Cairren bathe, then encouraged her to eat.
It wasn’t until after she climbed into bed and fell asleep that he ate and bathed himself.
He slid into the bed next to her, and she rolled closer, curling against him.
He knew she didn’t realize what she was doing, but even in sleep, part of her knew that she belonged at his side.
He would take her to Stirling, but he wouldn’t relinquish his wife.