39. Have To Do Alone
39
HAVE TO DO ALONE
“ I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she said. “Don’t take it that way.”
He shouldn’t be laying any guilt on her shoulders, but his heart was bruised that she didn’t come to him first.
“Tell me what is going on,” he said.
“I don’t know everything,” she said. “He called. I was stunned to see his name come up, but I answered it. It felt weird hearing his voice again.”
“Weird how?” he asked.
Hyde was trying to understand all of this.
He didn’t think he could ever have a distance like this with his parents.
To not say a word, but just stop communicating with anything other than a few texts a year.
And he didn’t expect it of someone who was a counselor.
Didn’t that go against everything they did? Trying to help people, yet there were times he felt Tori could barely get out of her own way.
Not that he’d ever say that to her and cause an argument.
“It’s like hearing it again didn’t feel like any years passed in between.”
“Is that a good or bad thing?” he asked.
“Neither. Just a comment,” she said. She sat back down and he sat in the chair next to her. “He said he has cancer and it isn’t good. He’d like to see me, but he can’t get here.”
“You’re going to go there?” he asked. How could she be thinking that?
“I don’t know. I want to think about it. He’s starting treatment next week. I’m starting a new job. It’s only five hours so I could do a weekend. I don’t know. Then he told me he was married and his wife follows me on social media. That is how she knew where I lived.”
“You don’t know who is following you on social media?” he asked. “How is that possible?”
It didn’t seem like something she wouldn’t be aware of.
“She’s probably following me posting on my work accounts,” she said. “Those are public and my name is on them.”
“Oh,” he said. “I get it.”
“She doesn’t have to follow me to see them. And my agency is based in Durham, so it was a good guess is all.”
He nodded. That made more sense. “You knew nothing about him being married?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I even called him out on it. Then he said Shelly has been wanting him to talk to me for years.”
“I’m sorry, Tori. But I’m just pissed off that for five years he’s had someone else in his life telling him to reach out for more than a text and he hasn’t done it. Now that he’s what, dying? Now he wants to talk to you?”
She started to cry and that wasn’t the effect he was going for.
“I don’t know anything,” she said, putting her hands up in the air. “And your tone of voice is why I went to Raina. She’d be sympathetic to things and see where I’m confused over it. You’re getting angry.”
He ran his hands through his hair. She was right.
“Sorry. I’m angry for you. I’m angry that he’s making you feel like this.”
“I know,” she said, sniffling. “I didn’t mean to snap just now.”
“You didn’t snap,” he said. He handed her a tissue. “I’m just confused.”
“Join the crowd,” she said.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“I don’t know yet. I’m going to think about it for a day or so and then decide.”
“If you decide to go, I’d like to go with you. I don’t want you to be alone.”
“No,” she said. “This is one of those things I have to do alone.”
He wanted to argue but knew that wouldn’t get anything accomplished.
“I don’t like it,” he said.
“It’s not for you to like or not,” she said, straightening her back. “This is my life that he left in the balance for years.”
“That’s right, and now he just makes a call and you’re on your big toe up in the air waving your arms and other leg around trying to figure out who or what can soften your fall on the way down. I love you and not being there to catch you is wrong. You can get pissed at me all you want, but that is part of being in a relationship. You don’t have to do everything on your own anymore.”
“I’m not used to doing things any other way,” she argued.
“I get that,” he said. “But you don’t have to anymore.”
“Hyde, I appreciate it. I do. But if I decide to go, it has to be on my own. Just your reaction to this is distracting to me and I can’t be. There are things I’m going to want to do and say and it’s best to not have you around.”
He wouldn’t let his heart break hearing that he wasn’t needed.
For so many years in his life, he’d been with women who wanted him to do everything for them or those that didn’t want anything but fun.
He found who he thought was a nice mix and maybe he was wrong.
“Whatever you want,” he said.
“I know you’re mad.”
“I’m not mad,” he said.
“You’re hurt,” she corrected. She stood up to go toward him. “I’m sorry. I’m doing exactly what you said. Barely balancing and I need to think this through. I’m not even sure I’m going to see him or talk to him, but I need a clear head to do it.”
“And you can’t have that around me?” he asked.
She laughed and he knew it was forced. “I think we know that there are times both of us speak without thinking. This just can’t be one of those times. I hope once you think it through you’ll understand.”
He didn’t think he had much of a choice.
He pulled her into his arms. “I’m here if you need me. I don’t want you to even hesitate to reach out. I promise I’ll be there for you.”
“Hyde, there is no doubt in my mind that you would be there for me. I want you to know that.”
“Really?” he asked.
“One hundred percent. But I need to do this alone.”
He nodded his head, then watched her leave his office.
He sat back down to work, but his mind wasn’t on it.
Rather than try to force the work, he went to see Raina, then he’d try Ryder. But Raina would know the most. Whether she’d talk to him about it or not was up for debate.
“You took longer to come down here than I thought,” Raina said. “I was almost going to check on you.”
“Why is that?” he asked.
“Because as upset as Tori was, I’m afraid she might have stepped on your ego some.”
“Right on the first try,” he said.
“Sit,” Raina said. “I feel like a counselor like Tori used to do, but I’m not. I’m not sure how much I’m going to tell you, but I hope what I say makes you feel better.”
“I’m willing to listen to anything.”
“You know Tori hasn’t talked to her father in forever. Just a few texts a year.”
“Yes,” he said.
“I told her a while ago that I think she can’t open herself up for any man because of him. She has no idea what happened to them. Why he left her mother other than her mother’s version.”
“Which is one-sided and very dramatic, I’m sure,” he said.
“Exactly. And that doesn’t matter. That is between her parents. But he allowed an eighteen-year-old to just stop texting and didn’t seem to care. Looking back, I know it bothers her.”
“I’d want to know why,” he said. “It bothers me. And then to find out his new wife has wanted him to do it for years and he doesn’t until he’s dying? That’s bullshit.”
“And you probably said that to her and she doesn’t need to hear what she is feeling. She needs to tackle this with an open mind. That is how she operates. I know you haven’t always seen her open mind,” Raina said, smirking.
“I want to say yes, but that isn’t the case. She was open-minded enough to give me a few chances and see where things went with us.”
“And you were the same. All I can say to you is to trust her. If she needs you, she’ll let you know.”
“And if she doesn’t then I’ve got to get over it,” he said.
“Don’t let your pride or ego get in the way,” Raina said. “I’m hoping to do this on her own teaches her something.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“That she doesn’t have to do it on her own. And if she doesn’t learn that, then maybe she’ll get the closure she deserves. It’s a win either way.”
“If you say so,” he said.
He left to go see Ryder after that. Maybe a man would understand better.
Which of course went back to why Tori said she went to Raina for this.
“Dude, you look like someone kicked your puppy and then pissed on it.”
He frowned. “That’s horrible.”
“That’s right,” Ryder said. “And that is how you look. What’s going on? Problems in your love life?”
“Not really,” he said. He filled Ryder in.
“Sucks when they do that,” Ryder said. “I married a woman who tried to do it on her own for nine friggin’ years. Tori has asked for a few days or something. Think about that.”
He laughed. When Ryder put it that way, he realized he was overreacting.
“Okay,” he said. “That makes me feel better.”
“I’m glad,” Ryder said. “But I’m with Raina. This is a good thing. She’s better off going alone as much as it goes against what we’d both want to do.”
“So you’d feel this way too?”
“Definitely,” Ryder said. “Give her a day or so to think it out. Let her make those decisions. It will be better in the long run if she does.”
Hyde nodded his head. It’s not like he had much of a choice.