40. Upset Your World
40
UPSET YOUR WORLD
T ori couldn’t believe she was an hour away from her father’s house three days later.
No matter what she did or what scenario she came up with in her brain, it all came back to her needing to see him one last time.
He was her father.
He talked to her two days ago and said the prognosis wasn’t good. They were buying time more than curing. He didn’t even want to do that but was trying it for Shelly.
Sure, he was going to pump chemicals into his body that would make him feel worse than having the cancer to buy time with a woman he’d been married to for five years.
But not to make amends with his only child.
That went through her brain again and again.
The one thing she’d sat on though was telling her mother. And since she knew her mother was off today, she made the call now.
Would it work her up? Yep, it would. But maybe she needed that too.
She had every right to feel pissed off.
“Hi, Tori,” her mother said. “What are you doing calling me in the morning?”
“Do you have a few minutes to talk?” she asked.
“Are you going to finally tell me about your boyfriend?”
“I didn’t know you were interested in Hyde,” she said. “The first few times I’ve brought his name up you’ve changed the topic or had to run.”
There was silence on the other end. “You don’t normally date anyone.”
“Not true,” she argued. “I just don’t normally tell you because I never get a chance.”
“Why is that?” her mother asked.
It’s not what she wanted to get into. “Because when we talk I’m usually dealing with one of your issues.”
“I don’t have any issues,” her mother said. “I’ve got a job and I’m paying my bills. I appreciate you covering my rent for this month, but I’m working a lot of overtime and able to put more money away.”
Heaven forbid her mother would offer to pay her back.
She wouldn’t ask either.
The fact her mother was trying to put money away was a good thing.
“I’m glad to hear that. I’m calling to talk about Dad?”
“What about him?” her mother said. “I thought you haven’t had any communication with him since high school.”
“We text a few times a year,” she said.
“You never told me that,” her mother said, her voice rising. “Why not?”
“Because it’s a birthday or holiday wish. I don’t consider that much of a conversation.”
“I didn’t even know you did that,” her mother said. “Not sure why he had to cut you out of his life like that.”
“I’m going to find out,” she said.
“You’re going to talk to your father?” her mother asked. “Why?”
“Because he called me the other day and he’s sick. It’s not good. I don’t know everything and that isn’t why I’m calling. He said he’d like to see me, and if not, to at least talk. I took the trip before I start my new job on Monday.”
“You didn’t tell me you got a new job,” her mother said.
“I told you, Mom,” she said. “In a text and on a call. But it was in between guys you were talking about and your job.”
There was silence on the other end.
It was the story of her life.
It felt as if neither of her parents ever put her first.
They didn’t even listen to her enough to put her first.
But Hyde wanted to come with her and she said no.
Was he upset? Yeah, he was. But he let her do it alone.
She wondered if he pushed to come if she would have given in for the moral support.
She was positive she would have and then regretted it.
He’d be there for her, she knew it. But today wasn’t going to be that day.
“You never say it more than once and you know I need the reminders,” her mother said.
She wouldn’t argue. She didn’t have the mental energy for it.
“Mom, this isn’t about us. It’s about Dad. I want to know what happened with you two. I know it’s not my business, but you never pushed for me to spend time with him either. We lived close enough and when I was a teen you both were hands off. Why?”
“You had friends and needed to be with them. I told your father that.”
“So you told him I didn’t want to spend time with him?” she asked. This was the first she had heard it.
“No, just that when he and I talked, you weren’t around and I said you were out with friends or had a boyfriend.”
She wasn’t buying that it was that simple. “What else?” she asked. “When I went to college he barely texted me. We didn’t see each other when I came home that I can remember. Then conversations halted. Did you know that?”
“He never said a word to me about it and neither did you. You’ve both done your own thing and didn’t include me.”
She’d heard this too. That her father had his friends and did what he wanted and left her alone. She’d whine and cry and need things and he’d tell her to figure it out on her own.
Some might think it was harsh, but since she lived in the same house, she knew it was stupid things like getting a stain out of a shirt or finding the right light bulb. Her mother did want someone to take care of everything for her.
Maybe that was why she was as independent as she was. Tori didn’t want to be anything like her mother.
But in doing that, did she foster this distant relationship—if it could even be called that—with her father?
“I’ve done my own thing because I’ve had to,” Tori said. “I had to care for things because you weren’t doing it.”
“So this is going to be my fault?” her mother asked. “That you and your father stopped talking and you’re going to blame it on me? He’s an asshole and has always been selfish. Maybe you take some of that from him.”
“That’s mean,” she said, stunned her mother said that. “If I was just like him I’d have walked away from you years ago and I sure the hell wouldn’t have paid your rent last month. By the way, you’re welcome. Not that you ever thank me.”
There was silence on the other end. “I’m sorry, Tori. This is just so upsetting to me. I don’t like getting hit with these things out of the blue.”
“Do you think I do?” she asked.
“What are you going to say to your father when you see him?”
“I have no idea,” she said. “I thought you could shed some light on things, but I guess not. I have to get off the highway soon and need to pay attention to where I’m going. It’s been a long time since I’ve been back.”
“Bye,” her mother said and just hung up on her. Like she always did.
She didn’t say she needed to go right then, just that she would soon. But her mother always had to get the last word in.
She took a few deep breaths and looked at the map on her screen and got in her lane to exit in two miles.
Before that a text came up from Hyde so she hit the button and listened to the car dictate it saying that he was thinking of her and wished her luck. To call him when she had a chance later. Then he ended it by saying he loved her.
That was what she needed from someone.
Support.
Encouragement.
Love.
She got to her father’s house forty minutes later. The house he lived in when she was a kid.
It didn’t look as if anything changed other than it was maintained.
She parked her car and took a deep breath before she got out, then walked to the front stairs and rang the bell.
A second later the door was opened by a woman.
“Tori? I’m Shelly. It’s so nice to meet you.”
“You too,” she said, putting her hand out, but Shelly pulled her in for a hug. She hadn’t been expecting this.
“Can we talk out here first? I mean I’m sure you might need the restroom or something. That is rude of me to not let you in.”
“It’s fine,” she said. “I can wait.”
Shelly shut the door and they moved to the chairs on the porch. It was sixty out and the sun was shining.
“I’m so glad you made the trip,” Shelly said. “I’ve wanted your father to reach out to you more than a text for years. I didn’t even know he had a daughter until three years ago.”
She snorted. “Not surprising. We haven’t had much of a relationship as you can tell. Not sure why. It sort of fell into this. Though when I saw him as a kid, we didn’t do much.”
They didn’t even talk all that much when she stayed at his house. It was like two strangers just sharing quarters and having meals.
She’d always felt as if her father was distant and she knew that was a big issue her mother had.
“He said that,” Shelly said. “That he never felt as if he was father material.”
“That doesn’t mean you just forget someone is in your life,” she said.
“I know that. I told him that. We haven’t had a lot of fights in our marriage. I understand the type of person he is and he understands me. We do a lot of things apart and then together. It works for us.”
“I’m happy for you,” she said dryly.
Shelly laughed. “You sound like your father when you talk like that.” Shelly’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry. This is a lot for us and I’m sure more for you.”
“I don’t know what it is. I honestly didn’t think I was going to come. I’ve gone so long without him in my life and don’t know what this is going to do for either of us.”
“I know that,” Shelly said. “He actually said the same words. He didn’t want to upset your world.”
“He said that?” she said. “He cared enough about it?”
“He’s human,” Shelly said. “That is where it’s coming from. Whether he was the father of the year isn’t up for debate. We know he’s not. But for both of you, this visit might be a good thing.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m not holding onto any grand reunion and can’t even promise not to piss him off.”
“He doesn’t get mad often, but he won’t this time. I think he’s just resigned to things. And he knows I’m out here saying things about him and he won’t be happy. Come in, please.”
They both stood up and went into the house.
Her father was sitting in a chair and stood up. He was exactly as she remembered him only older. Less hair and what was there was white and he had wrinkles scattered on his face.
He was thinner than she remembered too and knew that had something to do with him having cancer.
“Tori,” his father said. “Come in, have a seat. You’ve grown into a beautiful adult.”
“Thanks,” she said. He didn’t come toward her for a hug, not even to touch her hand.
She wouldn’t make that move either.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit,” her father said. “Can we get you anything after your drive?”
“Can I use the bathroom quickly?”
“You know where it is, if you remember,” her father said.
She remembered.
She walked in and it’d been updated from when she was here last. It was a soft yellow rather than the dark blue. She went to the bathroom and washed her hands in a pretty glass bowl. There was an old pedestal sink here before.
When she walked back down the hall, she’d passed the door to her old bedroom and curiosity had her looking in. The door was open anyway.
Her bed was still there. She remembered the headboard. There was a different comforter on it though. Nothing of hers was there, just like there wasn’t much when she was a kid.
“There is a box in the basement with your stuff in it,” her father said.
She turned her head and didn’t know he’d been standing there.
“I don’t even know what it could have been,” she said.
“Some books. Clothing. A stuffed bear. You probably don’t want it, but I never got rid of it.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“Kevin, come sit down,” Shelly said. “I’ll give you two privacy to talk and make some lunch.”
She followed her father back to the living room.
“Why did you want to see me?” she asked.
“I know if I don’t ask now, I might not get a chance to again. And if I asked later, then I might not be in a good enough place. I wanted you to make that decision.”
She weighed those words “So it was for me and not you?”
“I wanted you to come,” he said. “But I wasn’t going to say that and put pressure on this situation. You needed to come to the conclusion yourself.”
She nodded. “I don’t have any grand ideas of you being my father or coming into my life to be this figure that I never had.”
“I wouldn’t expect that,” he said.
“But I think I’d regret if I didn’t tell you what I think or what this did in my life too.”
Her father leaned back in his chair to get comfortable. “Just lay it on me,” he said. “I have it all coming to me and then some more. I’m not going to dispute it. I think if anything, this will give you closure and maybe get Shelly off my back.”
“I heard that,” Shelly yelled from the kitchen.
Her father laughed. “I have to give her a hard time on principle.”
She didn’t remember her father having a personality like that. But she didn’t spend a lot of time with him either.
“Why did you stop reaching out to me?” she asked.
“Going right at it,” he said.
“Why waste our time?” she said. “Might as well start with the hard question.”
“And I owe you answers,” her father said. “I never planned on getting married or having kids.”
She wouldn’t let those words hurt her. They couldn’t hurt her any more than she’d been most of her life with the knowledge that her father didn’t want her.
“Then why have them?” she asked.
“Because your mother found out she was pregnant. I did what I thought was the right thing. I tried. It wasn’t for me.”
“So you just discarded us so easily?” she asked.
“I don’t think it was easy,” he said. “I just thought you felt the same way. Your mother always told me you were busy and didn’t like coming. I didn’t want to force anything.”
And because her mother all but confirmed that recently she couldn’t argue it. Wish she’d known that before.
“I get it,” she said. “We can’t go back in time and I’m not going to be one of those people that wishes for something like that.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re not like that,” her father said. “Your mother, Emily, always wanted what wasn’t attainable.”
She snorted. No reason to say her mother was still like that. This wasn’t about throwing her mother under the bus like her mother did to her father for years.
It solved nothing and she didn’t know she even wanted to.
At what point was any of this going to matter?
“I think that is why I’m more realistic,” she said. “Which doesn’t explain why I’m here.”
“I’m glad you came,” her father said. “If for no other reason than to tell me everything you’re feeling. I owe it to you.”
She started to cry. “You don’t owe me a damn thing.”
Shelly rushed in. “Give him hell,” Shelly said. “Yell at him. Tell him what a jerk he was. I wasn’t able to have kids. I’m upset that I didn’t even get a chance to have a stepdaughter.”
The fact Shelly had tears in her eyes told her the truth to those words.
Her father held his hand out and Shelly went over to take it and he pulled his wife onto his lap. “I needed this in my life,” he said. “Not someone that I had to constantly be the caregiver for. We are both independent, but she holds nothing back.”
Her mother only let it out when it affected her for selfish reasons. She’d never do what Shelly was doing. Being supportive.
“Do you know how messed up I am over not having any type of male figure in my life?” she said. She put her hand in front of her mouth. She hadn’t planned on saying that.
“No,” her father said. “Tell me. I can’t change it, or make it better, but maybe you’ll feel better to at least say it to me.”
“I can’t let anyone in,” she said. “I don’t trust them to stick around and don’t trust them to stand up for me or help because I never knew why you just walked away from me.”
Shelly slapped her husband’s arm. “Tell her what you told me.”
“It doesn’t matter,” her father said grimly.
“It matters to me,” Tori said, battling back the tears.
She watched the two of them looking at each other. “You still have communications with your mother, right?”
“What did she say to you?” she asked, staring her father down.
“I told you. She said you had friends and didn’t want to come around anymore,” her father said.
“Which wasn’t true, but there has to be more to it,” she argued. She knuckled a tear away.
“If Kevin won’t tell you, I will,” Shelly said.
“No,” her father said. “Shelly only knows what I said and it’s hearsay for Tori to hear it. I don’t want it to be that way. I’ve made enough mistakes in my life and listening to your mother was wrong. Maybe there was part of me that wanted it to be true and then I wouldn’t have to worry anymore.”
“Did she say I wasn’t your child?” Tori asked, her jaw dropping. When the two of them looked back and forth at each other, she knew her answer. “She did, didn’t she? Did you think it was true? I look like you. We have the same eyes and chin. The same color hair.”
Her mother always complained about those things. That she looked more like her father than her mother. Even in her baby pictures, she was the spitting image of her father. Her grandparents had proudly shared them.
“I told you it was easier for me to believe something that in my heart I knew wasn’t true. Taking the easy way was a mistake.”
“Which is why you’re not now?” she asked. It reminded her she’d said this to Hyde once. That she took the easy way out walking away from a man and even Raina at one point. Guess she got that character trait from her father too.
Never again.
“I owe it to both of us.”
“Yeah,” she said. “You do.”