Chapter 37 Never Be Not Hard
NEVER BE NOT HARD
It felt odd being in Farrah’s house alone, but he’d have to get used to it if he was staying here more this week.
Not that he could get in without her. He wouldn’t arrive before her either after work, but if she had errands to run and he was here...
He was overthinking this like he was prone to do.
But there was something they had to talk about when she returned. He had to get it off his chest.
When he heard the garage open, he had lunch on the island. Nothing impressive. A big chef salad and some garlic bread.
“Hey,” he said. “Feeling okay?”
“I’m good,” she said. “I had a few tears driving home but not horrible. I think it helped to know I was coming home to this. Wow. Look at that salad. It’s much nicer than any one I’ve put together.”
“My little artistic flair,” he said. “So it was food on the table that made you happy?”
“No,” she said, pulling out a stool to sit, him next to her. “I was happy to not come home to an empty house. I want to say I’m used to this with Archer going with his father, but it will never be easy. Or I should say never be not hard.”
“I understand what you’re saying. Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“Does Tucker know about me?”
She filled her plate and turned her head in silence. That told him exactly what he thought without words.
But she gave him the words. “No. He never tells me when he’s seeing someone and I’ve never told him when I was.”
“You said this is different. I’m the first person who Archer knows about. Did you stop to think he’s liable to tell his father? I’m surprised he hasn’t already.”
Unless he was thinking more of himself and his impact on the boy’s life.
What a shitty feeling that’d be. That he’d found what he’d been looking for but no one felt as deeply as he was.
Which was a lie because if he just opened his eyes wider and cleared his self-pity from his brain, he’d see how much he meant to both Archer and Farrah.
Hadn’t Archer asked him to watch out for his mother while he was gone? To be the man of the house?
You didn’t hand over those reins unless you trusted another person.
“I thought he would have also, but he hasn’t. Remember, they don’t talk that much and when they do, Tucker is normally talking down to Archer.”
“Which is emotional abuse,” he said.
She sighed and stabbed her fork into her lettuce.
“I’ve had a lot of conversations with Tucker about that.
He’s not stupid enough to yell at Archer.
He lectures him like he did me. We didn’t fight until the end.
I can’t control those things, but I can be there for my son.
I’m not sure what you want from me. Tucker isn’t the best father out there, but he’s not going to harm his son.
He’s not going to make him cry and if he did, he’d fix it because that is what he does. ”
“Fix it how?” he asked. They were getting into something he’d never heard about.
“Buy him things. Make him look like the big guy. Take his mind off what was bothering him. That’s how Tucker operates.”
“So he did that to you?”
“He tried. The first time it worked, the second I caught on. I’m not a child he could manipulate. I have a good memory of past actions. I knew what he was about and I was the one who put up with it longer than I should have, but we had Archer.”
“And if you didn’t, would you have left him sooner?”
“Jayce, I’m not sure where you’re going with these questions. I did have Archer, so it’s a moot point. It serves no purpose to drum up hypothetical questions.”
“You’re right. Sorry. I guess I’m out of sorts he doesn’t know about me.”
“I don’t care if he knows. I’m not hiding any of it. Tucker has dated and been in relationships for the past five years. Archer has never told me about them.”
“How do you know then?”
“Because I just did. There’d be sly comments as if Tucker wanted me to question him and I never did.
There would be times Archer would meet these women, but I’d find out after the fact.
To him, they were friends of Tucker’s and nothing more.
It’s not like he was an affectionate person in front of people.
He never was and I doubt he’s changed, but if he has, that’s his life. ”
“You really don’t care?” he asked.
“No. I can’t. I can’t fill my life with what my ex may or may not think of me as a person. I’m the mother of his child and I’m a good mother. I’m a good person, and if he didn’t see that, it’s on him.”
This was going downhill fast. “You’re an excellent mother. A wonderful person. He didn’t appreciate you like you should have been. Like I do.”
“No, he didn’t. He made his bed and hated that he felt it was an embarrassment to him I left. His actions caused all of that, but we’ve moved on. Archer is going to have a great time. That is what I’m focusing on. I hoped we’d have a great weekend together too, but maybe not.”
He put his arm around her shoulder. “We will. I think I got in my head. I would have liked to be there with you today when you dropped off Archer. Then I figured you said no because you didn’t want Tucker to know about me.”
“I’m not hiding you. It’s not that. The drop-off and pick-up has always just been the two of us. If I bring someone, he might feel he can do it. I want his attention on his son, not the person he’s with.”
“So it’s more about respecting and setting boundaries?” Which he should have realized.
“At this stage, yes. If one of us were remarried, that would be different. I love you, Jayce. I’m not putting pressure on anything and I know you’re not either.
But for five years this is how we’ve done it.
Tucker has had more opportunities to not be alone picking up or dropping off Archer and he hasn’t done it.
I’m not going to the first time I’ve got a serious relationship. Not yet.”
“You’re a better person than me,” he said.
“Absolutely not. You’re very considerate. Patient. Lots of things I’ve needed in my life and am thrilled they’re there now. I don’t want you to be afraid to ask or say things to me.”
“Obviously I’m not,” he said drily.
“All is good,” she said. “Like this salad. Do I think I’ll get a call from Tucker in the next two weeks about you? Yeah, I will. I’ll deal with it then.”
“You’ll tell me if or when it happens?”
“I will. I’ve got nothing to hide. Not about this. Tucker is liable to not even care much. He’s very distant and distracted most times. I’m more concerned he won’t pay enough attention to his son. I’d rather focus on that and getting Archer through this trip.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For coming off as insecure.”
“You were just now. I’m surprised by it and shouldn’t be, but I’m glad you feel as if you can say it also.”
“I’m glad I can too. That’s the thing with you. You’ve always let me feel as if I can be myself.”
“I’ve always felt the same way.” She pushed her plate away. “Like I can be adventurous with you and never felt it before.”
“Adventurous how?” This was a way to get his mind off the fact that maybe she was hiding his existence.
“First, you being open like this. The vulnerability that I bet you rarely show, it’s kind of a turn on.”
He’d never shown his insecurities to anyone before.
Always played up he had his shit together, even if it was exploding around him.
“Meaning you don’t like having a big, strong, confident man on your arm?”
“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” she said, laughing and hopped her ass on the island, her feet hanging off, the food shoved further away from them. “I like that you’re confident and cocky at all the right times.”
He laughed and stood up to get between her bent legs. “Like now?”
“Yes. Like now. I was driving home thinking of attacking you when I came in the door, but there you were with this nicely set out lunch and a puppy dog look in your eyes.”
He couldn’t hold the wince back. “Ouch. That hurts,” he said, moving closer and putting his lips to hers.
“It’s what I saw. I knew you had something on your mind. I wasn’t sure what it was but like that you didn’t hesitate to say it. I can appreciate that more than anything. That you spoke your mind and didn’t attempt to hide there was something you needed to voice.”
“I haven’t always been that way,” he murmured, his lips to hers.
“But I like that you are with me. It’s attractive now that I got it out of you. See, a mixture of sides that looks good on you. Determination to get it said even when you internally battled the uncertainty of your response, or even mine.”
“You know what is sexy on you?” he asked, his lips trailing down her neck.
She arched into him some more. “No,” she whispered. “What?”
“Boldness and awareness. You saw something and you were going to get to the bottom of it. Many would look the other way and avoid it.”
“I’m not like many. Are you?”
“Not when I’m with you,” he said, lifting her up, his hands sliding into her shorts and pushing them down her hips with her underwear, then dropping her on the cold counter.
She shrieked but didn’t shy away. He didn’t expect that she would.
He was ready to put a lid on this conversation.
“I’m a little too high up here for you to do what I’d like you to.”
“I realize that now. There is a nice chair over there.”
He scooped her up easily, and she clung to him, legs wrapped tight around his waist as he carried her into the family room. He lowered into the chair with her still straddling him, her ankles caught snugly between his back and the upholstery, holding her in place.
Her hands slipped between them, deft fingers working his button and zipper before lifting to help shove his shorts down.
Neither of them broke contact, their mouths brushing and breathing the same ragged air as he shifted and pressed against her, sliding into her slick, waiting heat, joining and making them one.
She rolled her hips, deliberately slow, rising just enough to drag over him before sinking back down. No frantic thrusts, no wild pace. Just the steady grind of two bodies locked together with every movement a test, a tease, and a promise for each other.
It was measured, searching, and building. Not rushed, not careless.
Just two people finding their rhythm, finding their way back to each other, one ragged breath at a time.
Like them and their relationship.
Finding their way, what worked for them, what would make them stronger.
She clung on, her arms around his shoulders, her lips pressed to his, their tongues tasting and tangling, but not rushed. Not hard. Not even erotic.
More like a pace and mentality they had all the time in the world to treasure what they brought to each other.
And they did have that time. Two weeks of it.
Knowing he could do this again when he wanted—when they wanted—was freeing in itself.
When she slapped against him more aggressively, he knew she had found her rhythm.
The one that she was setting the tempo for them both.
“Jayce,” she mumbled against his lips.
“I’m here,” he said.
“Stay just like this. Let me get us there.”
It was what he’d been doing all along. Letting her take those steps.
He made the moves when she was ready, and she was telling him now she had it. She had him.
He willed his body to sit back and let her go. “It’s all yours,” he said.
She smiled against his lips. “Yes, it is. I like that too. I think you like it as much as me. To let go and allow someone else to make the decisions.”
Farrah wasn’t wrong. He’d never thought of it that way before, but it was freeing in itself.
He had no worries she’d let him down. No worries she wouldn’t get them both to where they desired to be.
She put her hands on his cheeks, held his stare, and he let her take over.
Her body moved over his, her speed, her actions, him being the receiver.
He was lost in the deep depths of her eyes as she rode him hard. Her body picking up steam, his teeth grinding not to let go before her.
She sensed, he knew because she was grinding harder, faster, her internal muscles squeezing him tight.
“Come in me,” she said. “Let me feel it. I want to feel it now.”
It was as if he were hypnotized to end on her command, his body releasing into hers, her tension and twitching around him, her head landing on his shoulder as she let out a long groan.
He held her and when she started to sob, he let her break free. Let her get it out of her system that he had her too. That she wasn’t weak because she’d been dropping her son off for years and said it was fine, when he knew deep down it wasn’t.
Because maybe it wasn’t fine for him either, but there wasn’t anything he could do to change it.