Chapter 41 To Figure Out
TO FIGURE OUT
“Imessed up,” he said, walking into his parents’ house on Sunday morning.
Not only was his body in pain, his heart ached enough he thought he’d have to clutch his chest a few times on the ride home with the two of them in silence.
“What did you do?” his mother asked. “I didn’t expect to see you until work tomorrow.”
“I didn’t think I’d be here either.” The plan was for him to spend the week with Farrah, then go back to his sister’s condo that he had moved into weeks ago.
He’d decided there was no reason to buy anything just yet. He was aiming at a future with Farrah and if things worked out the way he wanted, they’d figure that step out together.
If he hadn’t fucked up like he had.
He told his parents what had happened at dinner last night and then the drive home. He also explained more of what Farrah told him about her failed marriage and the fears it left her with.
“Jayce,” his mother said. “You said you were sticking and you didn’t. You walked out when you were supposed to spend the week with her. You know better.”
“The drive home was brutal. Last night I slept on the couch, heard her tossing and turning. The tension then and again this morning was rough for both of us. She didn’t want to talk.
Going into the house and forcing her wasn’t going to make it better and might have only made it worse.
I’m lucky I got her to stay in our room last night. She wanted to get a second one.”
“I told you to tell her everything,” his father said. “That is on you. Do I think she’s being harsh about everything? Not completely.”
“So I’m going to get my ass handed to me from you too?”
Maybe he should have just gone home to wallow alone.
But he didn’t want to be alone. He wanted advice. He had hoped his parents would help, but they were making him feel worse.
“No,” his mother said. “But you came here to talk and we’ll be honest with you. Which you should have been with Farrah.”
“I made a judgment call,” he argued.
“A poor one,” his father said. “I do think maybe her reaction to McKayla is over the top but understand her reason. But I think she’s justified in being upset that she was more open than you.
You told us she was opening up with you.
She was clear from the beginning what happened with Tucker.
How he ended up being not the person she’d thought. ”
Jayce flopped on the couch. “I’m the same person I’ve always been.”
“No,” his mother said. “You’re not. You’re the person you used to be, but for years you were someone else. And maybe that is what you should have said to her. That those people never saw the real you, but she was.”
“I didn’t think to say that. But then she’ll wonder if I’m telling the truth. Admitting I wasn’t myself there would make her believe I’m still doing it now.”
“That’s for you to figure out,” his father said. “After your last fight you got her to believe and I’m sure you can again.”
“I’m not walking away from her. That’s what she expects.”
Which just proved his parents’ point and had his head going to the back of the couch as he shut his eyes. He gave her what she feared rather than sticking.
But there was also the side she said where it wasn’t always best to say something if the outcome would be the same or worse.
If he didn’t say something he wouldn’t know. He’d wonder.
And he’d feel like shit just alongside her without having answers.
He stood up.
“Are you going back to talk to her?”
“I have to. I don’t like this feeling and that I left her alone to deal with it by herself. Not that I was sure she’d even want me to come in when I dropped her off, but I should have suggested it or at least asked so she knew I wasn’t quitting on her.”
He knew she’d struggle to leave Archer for the week, even though they both got an excited text and call last night and this morning.
Archer had reminded him to look after his mother and he’d promised he would.
Yet here he was sulking over another fight. One that he was to blame for and had to acknowledge that. He still thought she overreacted, but if he could be the bigger man for someone like Levi, he sure as hell could toss his ego aside for the woman he loved.
“Do you think he can fix this?” Stacy asked Jim when her son slammed out the door.
“I’m sure he can. I know he wants to,” Jim said. “But he dug himself a hole here.”
“It’s not that bad,” she said. “We’ve had worse.”
“After we were married. This is still new for them. Some people just walk away and feel that it’s a sign.”
She wasn’t sure how she’d be if she were in Farrah’s shoes and what she’d gone through.
“She’s justified in her feelings, just like Jayce is. I want them to work this out.”
“I know you do, but you’ve got to stay out of it, no matter how hard it is for you to do that.”
“I think I’ve been pretty good lately,” she argued.
At least she thought so.
When Jayce moved out a few weeks ago she didn’t get to see him coming and going as much, didn’t know what was going on either.
Then she had to remind herself it’d been years since she knew any of her kids’ personal life without them living home. It wasn’t as if they talked about it much at work.
“You have been, so let Jayce do what he does best. He’s not one to give up and he won’t here either.”
“I just hope Farrah doesn’t give up on Jayce.”
“My money is on them being just fine,” Jim said. “Even without the Fierce’s interference.”
“Because I learned from them,” she said, puffing her chest up some.
“I’ll keep that between us... for now.”
“I didn’t think I’d see you today again,” Farrah said, opening the door. She ran her hand under her nose to make sure it was dry. She thought she’d gotten all her tears out.
Maybe she wanted him to return, but it was hard for her to ask.
He kept looking at her in the car as if he wanted to talk, but he was driving and it was best not to get into a conversation like that while they were stuck on the road for two hours.
The fact he dropped her off and drove away told her he was doing exactly what she feared. He was walking away and she might have no one to blame but herself.
“I’m not sure if you’re ready to talk, but I want you to know that we need to. I’m not giving up on us if that is what you think. I might be hurt and upset, even insulted, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still love you.”
Her eyes filled with tears. This wasn’t him blowing smoke up her butt. This was him being honest. She’d seen the hurt in his eyes, his anger laced with it.
It was easy enough to see when she felt the same.
But he was coming in strong, letting her know that it might still be okay.
She nodded. “We don’t fight the same,” she said.
“No, we don’t. If I was a dirty fighter, I’d mention that you cut things off with me years ago because you were fearful of the future.
Of giving us a shot. Of being hurt. But I didn’t say those things because we were kids.
But we are adults now, and the fear is still there.
But I’m not going to walk away from fear when I know damn well we can have something great. ”
“I know,” she said. “That’s on me. I was burned once and it’s hard to walk toward the heat a second time, but I did.”
“And you thought I lit the match,” he said.
“Because I didn’t tell you one thing. I get it.
I really do. I’ll take ownership of it. But for me, it was a huge embarrassment.
I never like to get caught up in other people’s drama and that is exactly what happened.
And in the worst way possible for me. I didn’t like having to clear my name, but deep down I didn’t want anyone to think it might be true. ”
“It didn’t seem as if anyone believed it,” she said.
“They didn’t. Or at least not the people I actually care about.
But when I decided to leave, I kept thinking—oh, great, now everyone’s going to assume I’m running because I’m guilty.
It’s like what you said. The outcome wasn’t going to change.
If I stayed, they’d talk. If I left, they’d talk.
So I chose what worked for me and I left.
I don’t think I even realized that completely until a few weeks ago.
You’re not fully transparent with Archer about his father because it’s what’s best for him.
Not you, not even Tucker. I’ve never had anyone else to think about but myself.
But this time, it’s not about me, it’s about us.
And sticking before and coming back again, that’s what is right.
Letting you know regardless of our fights or hurt feelings, my love for you, that’s not changing. ”
This was what she needed to hear. What had to be said to her to get her head out of her ass.
“I’ve wanted to believe you from the moment you walked back into my life.
God knows I’ve made mistakes. Plenty of them.
And still, every time I stumble, you’re there.
You’re the one holding my hand, showing me grace, giving me time, telling me it’s okay to feel what I feel, even when you don’t agree.
And yet, I keep letting my fear run the show.
I don’t want to push you away, but in trying so hard to protect my heart, I might have done exactly that.
Especially after this morning… I was terrified I already lost you. ”
He pulled her into his arms, held her with the emotional strength she’d always wanted from a partner, and kissed her on the forehead.
“You didn’t lose me. You can’t. You won’t. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not sure how many times I have to say it.”
“You’ve proven it time and again. More than I’ve proven it to you, and for that I’m wrong.”
“Neither of us is wrong. Neither is right. We have to be in this together. It’s what I’ve been waiting for in my life and never knew.
I’ve been waiting for it with you. If I had to live the past decade doing something else, acting a different way than people were used to to get through or for me to see, then it was worth it. ”
“I don’t know that I would have liked the Jayce you were there. But the one you are now, that’s who I lost my heart to when we were kids. It’s who I lost it to months ago. It’s the one I want.”
“And it’s who I want to be. Who I am. There are parts of me that have never changed, and others that have matured.
I wanted to be part of the big leagues, but when I realized succeeding at it meant being someone I’m not, I didn’t like it.
But I wouldn’t be the person I am now without those years of experience and mistakes. ”
“That’s where you’re more mature than me.
More forgiving. Where I’m learning from you.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I’ve had just as much crap dumped on me.
I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t, and what I’m strong enough to handle.
But want to know the most important thing of all that I’ve learned? ”
“What’s that?” he asked.
He was still holding her tight as she talked with her head on his shoulder. She never wanted to lose this feeling.
“That I don’t have to do it alone. That there is someone out there who will be by my side if only I let myself accept it.”
“And you have?” he asked.
She leaned back, her hand trailing over his cheek. “I have.”
He lowered his lips to hers, a gentle kiss as if he was giving her the time again. The patience to not push.
She didn’t need that.
She grasped his cheeks in her hands and laid one on his mouth hard and fast.
“Never change, Farrah.”
“Yes, I will. Just like you have, but it will only be for the better with you by my side!”