17. Reckless #2
The sound was massive. A wall of debris collapsed through the entrance, bringing the overhang, the fascia, and a section of the second floor down on top of him. I saw him throw his arms up. Then he was gone.
"Travis!"
I was back at the entrance before anyone reached me.
Wyatt was right behind me. We pulled debris off him piece by piece, burning our gloves through, until we found him.
His left arm was pinned under a beam. Burns ran up the side of his neck and across his jaw.
He was conscious, his eyes open, his face white.
I pulled the beam off his arm. Wyatt got under his good side. We carried him clear.
The medics took over. They cut his coat off, stabilized the arm, dressed the burns on his neck. Travis kept his eyes on the sky the whole time, breathing through his teeth.
I stood there with my gloves melted through and my hands shaking and watched them work on a man who was only on that gurney because I went back inside.
Across the street, Thompson was standing at the command post. He looked at me. He shook his head once, slow, and turned away.
The ambulance backed into the bay at CCMC. I was out of the truck before Wyatt cut the engine.
The rear doors swung open and the medics pulled Travis out on the gurney. He was awake, his jaw clenched, his left arm strapped to a board. The burns on his neck and jaw were dressed but the gauze was already spotting through.
Gracelyn was at the bay doors. Nora and Lori were right behind her. Harlan came through from the floor, gloves already on.
The medics started the handoff as they rolled. "Thirty-one-year-old male, structural collapse. Second-degree burns to the left lateral neck and jaw. Suspected fracture of the left ulna, splinted in the field. Vitals stable in transport, pain managed with fentanyl on scene."
The doors closed. I was standing on the other side of them with nothing to do and nowhere to go.
I could run into a burning building. I could pull a beam off a man's arm.
I could carry someone down three flights of stairs in full gear.
But I couldn't walk through those doors, and I couldn't take back what put him behind them.
Half an hour later, Nora came through.
"Knox, are you alright? Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine. How's Travis?"
"Second-degree burns. Harlan cleaned and dressed them. His left ulna is fractured. We're casting it now." She looked at me. "He's stable. He's going to be fine."
I pushed my hand through my hair and gripped the back of my neck. "This is my fault. He wouldn't have been in there if I hadn't—"
"Stop." Her voice was firm. "This happens, Knox. It's the job. And Travis is alright. He's going to recover."
"He's still on a gurney, Nora. That should have been me."
"Don't say that." She stepped forward and took my face in both hands. Her palms were warm against my jaw. "I'm glad you're safe. Travis is tough, and everything he has is treatable. We're doing everything we can for him, but he's going to be okay. You need to hear that."
I looked at her.
"Go back to the station. Get cleaned up. I'll see you tomorrow."
I nodded. I pressed my forehead to hers and closed my eyes.
My chest was still tight, my hands still shaking, but her breath was steady and close, and the noise in my head went quiet.
I kissed her. She kissed me back softly, her thumbs tracing my cheekbones.
I let myself stay there until my heartbeat steadied and my hands stopped shaking.
I showered at the station until the water ran cold. When I came out of the locker room, Thompson stepped out of his office.
"Sullivan. Come in."
He closed the door behind me. I sat in the chair across from his desk. He leaned against the edge of it.
"Don't beat yourself up over what happened to Travis. I sent him back in. That was my call, and I'd make it again. Travis was doing his job." He looked at me. "He went in on my order. The structure failed. That's the job. Don't put that on yourself."
"Yes, sir."
"I'm not going to pretend I don't understand why you went back in. A kid was standing there screaming for his dog. You heard it, you made a call, and you got the animal out alive." He crossed his arms. "I respect that. I do."
He paused.
"What I can't tolerate is you going off radio.
I called you twice. You didn't respond. Those communication protocols aren't suggestions, Knox.
They exist so that I know where every one of my firefighters is inside a burning building at all times.
The second you stop talking to me, I'm blind.
And when I'm blind, I have to send someone in after you. "
He let that sit.
"I'm pulling your name from the eligibility list this cycle. You're off the promotional track until further notice."
The words landed and I let them. Thompson had told me twice, in this room, what would happen if I kept pushing. I kept pushing.
"I still think you'd be right for lieutenant. But I can't put you in front of a board with this in your jacket. Not this year."
"I understand, sir."
He held my gaze, then stood up and opened the door. "Get some rest."
Barking. Somewhere through the fire, through the smoke, through the roar of the building coming apart around me.
"Beckett!" My voice was so small it disappeared into the noise. "Beckett!"
I could hear him barking somewhere deeper in the warehouse. I tried to go toward it, but the corridor was a wall of orange and the floor was too hot under my feet.
"Knox!"
My older brother grabbed me. He hauled me up over his shoulder, one arm locked around my legs, as he ran through the warehouse that was rapidly getting consumed by the flames.
"Gage! Beckett's still in there! I heard him, he's still in there!"
"I'll come back for him. I need to get you somewhere safe first!"
He set me down on the grass next to my friends, then ran back to save our dog.
I watched as Travis ran back into the building.
The structure came down. Walls folding, roof caving, everything collapsing into itself.
"Travis!"
The beam came down on me.
Suddenly I was thirty years old.
I couldn't remember hitting the floor. My neck was wet and hot from my ear to my collarbone.
"Knox! Talk to me, brother!"
Wyatt's voice cut through my PASS alarm. He pulled me out into the parking lot where I saw her.
Nora. Her hands on my neck, pressing down, holding me together. Her face above mine against the night sky, close enough that I could see the worry in her eyes and the set of her jaw. She was talking to me the way she talked to her patients, steady and clear, except her voice was shaking.
"Stay with me, Knox."
"Knox, are you still with me?"
"Knox?"
"Knox!"
My eyes opened. The ceiling was white. The room was dark. Nora was beside me, her hand on my face, her eyes wide.
For a second I didn't know where I was. My chest was heaving and the sheets were soaked through with sweat. Nora's face came into focus first. Then the room. The dresser. The window. Our apartment. Our bed.
"You were having a bad dream." Her thumb moved across my cheek.
I reached up and took her hand. Held it against my face. Then I reached for her with my other hand and touched her jaw, her cheekbone, her hair. Making sure she was real. Making sure I was awake.
"Are you alright?"
I nodded. My breathing was still ragged. I closed my eyes and focused on her hand against my skin until it steadied.
She shifted closer and laid herself across my chest, her chin resting on her arms, looking up at me.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I nodded. We both sat up. Nora pulled the pillow into her lap and sat facing me.
"I've been trying to make lieutenant," I said. "I passed the written exam in March. Assessment panel in April. My name went on the eligibility list in July." I stared at the wall across the room. "After what happened to Travis, Thompson pulled me off the list. I'm done for this cycle."
"Knox, I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter. That's not what's keeping me up." I rubbed my face with both hands. "I went back into a burning building to save a dog. I didn't answer my radio. Thompson had to send Travis in after me because I wasn't responding, and Travis got hurt because of it."
Nora was quiet. Her hand found my knee.
"This isn't the first time someone got hurt in a fire because of me."
I took a long breath. Held it. Let it go.
"When I was twelve, I was at a warehouse near our neighborhood with some friends. We were messing around. Being stupid. We started a fire."
Nora's hand tightened on my knee.
"It got out of control fast. The whole building went up. Our dog Beckett had been sniffing around the warehouse when the fire started. I went in to find him and couldn't get out. Gage came in and pulled me out." I stopped. "Then he went back inside to get Beckett."
My fists balled on the sheets.
"The building came down. Gage and Beckett were both inside."
I couldn't look at her.
"He was only seventeen. He was already preparing for university. He had scholarship offers." My throat tightened. "But he—"
I stopped. My eyes burned. I blinked and felt them spill over.
"I became a firefighter because of him." My voice came out rough.
"Every time I'm on a call, it's like I'm trying to pull Gage out of that building.
That's why I don't care if Thompson thinks it's unsafe for me to go back.
If there's someone alive in a burning building, I'm going to pull them out.
Because I couldn't do anything for Gage. "
My voice broke.
"But I know nothing's going to bring him back. No matter how many people I pull out, he's still gone."
I couldn't hold it anymore. My face crumpled and the tears came hard. Nora wrapped her arms around me and pulled my head to her shoulder. She held me there. She didn't say anything. She just held me and let me break.
When I could breathe again, I kept my face against her neck and told her the rest.