23. Half
Half
KNOX
After Cliff called it and the team cleared the room, it was just us.
Nora was sitting beside the bed with Ian's hand in both of hers. Her forehead was pressed against his knuckles. Her shoulders were shaking, but she wasn't making a sound.
I pulled a chair beside hers and sat down. I put my hand on her back and left it there.
After a while, she sat up, her face swollen, her eyes raw, and looked at me.
"Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone with him?"
I nodded. I leaned in and kissed her temple. Her skin was damp and warm.
"I'll be right outside."
She turned back to Ian. Her hand found his again. I stood up, pushed the chair back to where it had been, and left the room.
The hallway was empty. I closed the door behind me and stood there with my back against the wall and my eyes on the ceiling.
Ian walked into a situation he had no business being in because he thought he was protecting us.
I closed my eyes.
"Knox."
I opened them. My father was standing at the end of the hallway. Still in his scrubs.
He walked toward me. Stopped a few feet away. His hands were at his sides, and he looked tired in a way I'd never seen on him before.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save him, son."
I looked at my father. In thirty-two years, he had never once apologized to me for anything. Much less called me son.
"I know you did your best. Thank you for trying."
He looked at the closed door behind me.
"That girl loved her brother." He was quiet for a moment. "Look after her."
I held his gaze.
"I will."
He nodded once, turned and walked down the hallway. I watched him go until he rounded the corner and was gone.
I opened the door. Nora was where I'd left her, beside the bed, Ian's hand still in hers. She looked up when I came in.
"I can go downstairs," I said. "Give you more time."
"Stay." Her voice cracked on the word. "Please stay."
I crossed the room and sat beside her. She turned into me, her face against my chest, her hands gripping my shirt. I put my arms around her and held on.
She cried. She cried until her whole body shook with it, until the sounds coming out of her were raw, animal, something past grief and into fury.
I held her through all of it. I held her when her fists balled in my shirt and her breathing came in ragged gasps and her voice broke through the crying, sharp and angry.
"I did everything." She was shaking. "I did everything I could, Knox.
I worked doubles. I went to school. I kept the lights on and the food in the house and I showed up every single day for six years.
I gave him everything I had." Her voice splintered.
"And it still wasn't enough. I still couldn't keep him safe. "
She pressed her face into my chest and sobbed. I held her head against me and let her grieve, let her rage at herself, let her say every word she needed to say.
When her breathing slowed, I spoke.
"Nora. Look at me."
She lifted her head. Her face was wrecked, her eyes swollen, her lips trembling. I put my hands on her face and held it.
"I was him." My voice was steady. I needed it to be. "I was the kid who made the reckless choice. I was twelve years old and I put myself in a situation that cost my brother his life. I know exactly who Ian was tonight, because I was him."
She was looking at me. Listening.
"Nothing Gage could have done would have stopped me from being at that warehouse.
He could have told me a hundred times. He could have locked me in my room.
I would have gone anyway, because I was twelve and stupid and sure I knew better.
" I held her gaze. "Nothing you could have done would have stopped Ian from going to those guys.
That was his choice, Nora. It was always going to be his choice. "
Her chin shook.
"You didn't fail him. You gave him six years of your life.
You fed him, clothed him, worked yourself to the bone so he could have a future.
You did everything Gage did for me. Everything.
" I wiped her cheek with my thumb. "Ian didn't die because you weren't enough.
He died because he loved you and he made a choice you couldn't control. "
She broke again. But it was different this time. The anger was gone. What came out of her was grief, clean and open, the sound of someone letting go of a weight they were never supposed to carry.
I held her. I held her for a long time in that quiet room with her brother beside us.
The service was on a Thursday morning. A small chapel off Eastern.
Everyone came. The crew from Station 110.
Gracelyn, Lori, Josie, Kip. Selena from The Lantern.
Travis walked in with his arm still in a cast and sat near the back.
My mother came holding my father's arm, her eyes already red.
She went straight to Nora and took both of her hands.
Barb sent white flowers with a handwritten card that Nora read and pressed against her chest.
Nora stood at the front of the chapel. She looked at the photograph of Ian, seventeen years old, smiling, as she spoke.
"When I was little, I spent years begging my parents for a brother or sister.
" Her voice was quiet, but it carried. "When Ian was born, he was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen.
Big brown eyes, a full head of dark hair, and he cried so loud the nurses on the next floor could hear him.
" She almost smiled. "I was nine, and I told my mom I was going to take care of him forever.
I meant it. I carried that baby everywhere. I wouldn't put him down."
She looked at the photograph.
"He was funny. He was stubborn. He could make me laugh on the worst day I'd ever had, and he never let me win an argument.
" She paused. "After our parents died and it was just us, I'd leave dinner in the fridge for him to heat up after school.
Every night, I'd come home from work and find half of it waiting for me.
I told him a hundred times that half was more than enough for me and nowhere near enough for a growing boy. He did it anyway. Every single night."
Her voice broke.
"He thanked me for breakfast every morning on his way out the door. Even when breakfast was just eggs and toast." She wiped her eyes with her hand. "That's who my brother was. He was kind when he had every reason not to be. He was generous when he had nothing to give."
She steadied herself.
"I'm going to miss him every day."
She sat down beside me. I took her hand. She held on.
The duplex was quiet when we got home. Nora changed out of her black dress and into one of my shirts and a pair of sweats. I loosened my tie and sat on the sofa. She came out and sat beside me, pulled her legs up, and leaned into my side.
We sat there for a long time.
"Knox."
"Yeah."
"Thank you." She turned her face against my shoulder. "For being here. For being here through all of it."
I put my arm around her and pulled her closer.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."
She lifted her head and looked at me. Her eyes were tired, red, still swollen from days of crying. I touched her face. She leaned into my hand.
I kissed her. Slow, gentle, the kind of kiss that isn't asking for anything except to say I'm here. She kissed me back. Her hand came to my jaw and stayed there.
When she pulled away, she rested her forehead against mine.
We stayed like that until the light through the window changed and the room went dark around us.