Chapter 21
TAYLOR
‘So come on, sis, tell me how it’s going?’
We’re on the countdown to Christmas, strolling arm in arm down Bond Street, when Sadie pops the question.
‘And don’t give me the whole “it’s going” business; I want the deets!’
She’s dragged me shopping – not that I put up much of a fight; this is my forte, after all – but I’m starting to realise shopping was code for Relationship Drilling.
And honestly? I still get flutters when I even think about it.
Me and Ax. A thing. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Official for six whole weeks. Six weeks of living, breathing, walking that life and loving every second. Well… almost every second.
The only thing that could top it is an ‘I love you’ and a positive pregnancy test. The former: I don’t know if he’s got it in him. He’s given me so much in every other way that I feel like it’s where we’re heading, but I haven’t plucked up the courage to tell him it myself.
And the latter: I’m doing my best not to obsess. But…
I’m tracking my ovulation and I’m in the peak zone. Something Axel’s fully aware of because I texted him the second my plane landed from Paris this morning, and he knows the score:
Tonight, tomorrow, the day after, he’s mine.
We cleared our schedules. No distractions. Just a sprinkle of family time and a whole lot of fun.
Emphasis on the fun.
‘I take it from the look on your face, it’s going great guns.’
She ribs me in the side and my grin widens.
‘You could say that.’
And for the next three hours, I dish out just enough to keep her sweet without giving Ax a reason to die of mortification when she brings it up at dinner later. It’s inevitable. My sister can’t help herself. She’s found her voice again and she’s not afraid to use it.
Which I love her for, dearly, but there are times… like now, as we unload the bags from the boot of her SUV, that I wish she’d zip it.
‘Have you told him you love him yet?’
My eyes shoot to the wreath-clad door of my sister’s newly renovated Mayfair townhouse, half-expecting Axel to burst out and sprint down the street.
‘I told you, it’s not that easy. He has a… complicated relationship with love.’
‘Ha! Don’t we all.’
‘This is different.’
‘Tay, you were the queen of no-strings fun, and Axel was king. Feels like you were destined to find it together. Love, that is. Though I guess you’re getting a whole lot of fun too.’
She nudges me in the side again, and I almost drop the bag of bottles I’m tugging over one shoulder.
‘Can you quit it with the ribbing? I’m going to have bruises.’
‘At least they’re the kind you can hide.’
Her gaze drops to my shoulder, and I realise the weight of the wine has dragged my cashmere sweater to the side, unveiling the faint mark of Ax and our fierce goodbye session earlier in the week. I tug it back in place, but the damage is done.
‘He knows it’s not all about the sex for you though, right?’
I’m not sure what’s worse: Sadie’s ribbing or the quiet concern she’s now giving off.
My cheeks flush with colour. I’m not embarrassed talking sex with my little sister; I’m feeling guilty. Guilty for keeping the baby plan a secret.
‘It’s complicated,’ I say, falling back on my favourite word of the moment. ‘I can’t just blurt it out. Ax isn’t the type to just accept it. He’s never had anyone in his life who’s given him affection and—’
‘He’s had you and Theo for forever.’
‘And that’s—’
‘Different, I know. But doesn’t that make you the perfect person to love him now, to show him he’s worth it?
’ She leans into the boot, voice muffled by the bags as she keeps going.
‘Theo told me about his parents. How cruel and cold they were. It must’ve been hell growing up like that, with no sisters or brothers either.
’ She straightens, hugging a giant stuffed gnome to her chest as her eyes meet mine, their sudden sheen catching the glow from the overhead streetlamp.
‘It breaks my heart thinking of what he lived through. How unloved and alone he must have felt.’
‘Yeah, well, if it weren’t for you coming into my life, we might’ve felt the same.’
She tilts her head, smiling softly. ‘I guess we kind of saved each other. Though you did most of the saving, I was the burden.’
‘Oi!’ I drop the bags and pull her into my arms, gnome too. ‘You were never a burden.’
‘Liar.’
‘Okay, so you were a burden: an adorable, chip-loving, dino-obsessed burden. But I loved you from the second you were dropped on our doorstep, and I’m forever grateful you came into my life. Don’t you ever doubt it.’
‘I don’t. Not any more.’ She chokes on a teary laugh. ‘And I love you too, sis.’
‘You better,’ I tease, kissing her forehead before I let her go.
‘But I’m serious, Tay; we all have hang-ups over love. Look what happened to me. I’m a prime example. But when you’re in love and they love you back…’
She gets her Theo-look, all sappy and doe-eyed, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Especially as I fear I look much the same when I talk about Ax. Though granted, I’m a little more pensive around the edges.
Because I do love him.
And it’s hard keeping it to myself, but between charting my ovulation, riding the monthly rollercoaster of Am I pregnant?
Am I not? Taking early detection tests. Seeing every sign that isn’t there – tender breasts, needing the loo, nausea – then the bleed, that is.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, and it hits harder every time.
The disappointment. The emotion. The tears I do my damnedest to keep in check.
And I’m still terrified of losing him. Baby or no baby. Because what if he doesn’t feel the same? Can I bear to hear him say it before I have his baby inside me?
Is it bad that I’m not ready to take that risk?
‘And I may be younger than you,’ she’s now saying as I tune back in, ‘but when it comes to love, I get to be the expert. And I’m telling you, it’s better to put it out there, because a love that’s shared truly is the greatest love of all.’
And when they don’t…?
I shake my head, wanting to break free of the gloom.
‘Mercedes Stone, are you quoting song lyrics at me now?’
‘I don’t think so. Pretty sure that was an original.’
Now I do roll my eyes. ‘Come on, let’s get inside before they burn the house down with their culinary escapades.’
Theo is using tonight’s dinner as a full-scale rehearsal for Christmas Day: the first one he’s hosted without the aid of staff. He’s determined to make every dish from scratch. No fancy Fortnum & Mason shortcuts. Just pure, chaotic ambition.
And today, he’s been assisted by his sous chefs in the making: Lottie and most surprisingly, Ax.
‘Now he’s actually working less and making time for it,’ Sadie says, ‘Theo’s turning into a really good cook.’
‘I’m more concerned about his assistant chefs running amuck.’
She chuckles as she taps the boot shut. ‘Bet you can’t wait to see Ax in an apron.’
I can’t wait to see Ax, full stop. It’s been four days, and I’m like an over-charged battery buzzing with the need to touch him.
‘I still can’t believe Lottie got him in one,’ I say, thinking of the selfie Sadie got earlier: Ax, Theo, and Lottie in a tornado of flour and festive chaos. It was adorable, heart-melting… and okay, sure, panty-melting too.
But Ax can make anything look hot. Even the ridiculous bows Lottie likes to stick in his hair.
‘That girl could convince a brick wall to tap dance,’ Sadie says, juggling her bags as she pushes through the gate and up the stone steps.
I follow her, ducking as the bitter wind whips around us, bringing with it the first whisper of snow.
‘Oh my God!’ She stops so abruptly, I nearly crash into her. ‘It’s snowing!’
‘No shit.’
She spins back towards me, eyes bright and wide and just like Lottie. ‘I’m so happy, I could burst. Everything I could ever wish for is coming true…’
‘It’s just a little snow—’
‘But a white Christmas would be the icing on the cake of wishes.’
I smile, because I’m hoarding enough wishes of my own now too, praying they’ll come true the way hers have.
A baby on the way.
Axel loving me back.
A family of my own.
‘I reckon if you asked for it,’ I tell her, ‘Theo would see your entire back lawn covered in snow come Christmas morning, even if he has to get a machine in to do it.’
She laughs, hurrying up the last of the steps and unlocking the front door.
‘Honey, we’re home!’ she calls, shoulder-barging it open, careful not to crush the enormous wreath as she wrestles the gnome and all her bags over the threshold.
I follow with my own haul, doing my best not to knock over the slender hallway tree or the avalanche of decorations lining every wall.
‘Jesus, Sadie, it’s like Santa’s elf threw up in here.’
‘I know I went a bit crazy – and don’t say anything to Theo, because we’ve done that fight a hundred times already. But you can never have enough…’ She glances at the gnome. ‘Hold that thought.’
She swings open the understairs cupboard, tucks the gnome inside, and whispers, ‘I’ll come get you when Grumpy Theo isn’t looking.’
I shake my head as she blows it a kiss and shuts the door.
‘What?’ she says defensively.
‘Nothing,’ I say, letting her take a couple of bags from me now her contraband is secured. ‘Nothing at all.’
‘It’s our first Christmas in our forever home, and I want it to be the best ever for Lottie.’
‘Of course you do, and it will be.’
‘Though speaking of Lottie—’ she says, barely drawing a breath, already turning, ‘let’s slip these inside Theo’s study so curious little hands don’t find them.’
She opens the door to her left and ushers me in. The room is a mini version of Theo’s penthouse, monochrome-tastic, save for the fluffy pink narwhal sitting proudly on his desk. I grin. The man simply cannot help himself.
‘Mummy! Aunt Tay-Tay! Come look! Come look!’
Little feet patter along the herringbone floor, and Sadie startles. ‘Quick! Quick!’
She herds me back out, shutting the door just as Lottie skids to a stop in front of us, reindeer antlers bobbing with her pigtails.