Chapter 25
AXEL
The banging on my door could wake the dead. And I’m that. Almost.
‘Taylor?’ I groan into the dark.
‘Axel! Axel!’ More pounding. ‘You better be in there!’
Not Taylor. Theo. Brilliant.
I peel myself off the sofa, sending a near-empty whisky bottle rolling across the floorboards. Just what I need: his preferred fuel for his self-righteous rage.
The second I unlock the door, he barges past me, storming into the loft like he owns the place.
‘What the bloody hell were you thinking?’ he shouts, rounding on me.
I shove the hair out of my face, squinting against the lights he’s flicked on. ‘Nice to see you too.’
‘I told Sadie you were stubborn as a mule. Didn’t realise you’d inherited the brain of one as well.’
A humourless grunt escapes. ‘Thought mules were fairly intelligent.’
‘They are – until they’re scared. Then they dig their heels in.’ He folds his arms across his chest. ‘And you, Ax? You’re the most terrified bastard of the lot.’
‘Fuck off, Theo.’
He slams the door shut on my limp grasp, squaring up to me despite the fact he’s half my bloody size.
‘I will not fuck off. You’ve broken her heart. You do know that, yeah? Sadie’s over there right now trying to hold her together while you’re here…’ His gaze drags over me in disgust. ‘Christ, you look half-cut.’
‘I’m fully cut. And it’s doing a much better job than you are. And don’t you dare judge me.’ The floor tilts and I steady myself against the wall. ‘Wasn’t long ago it was you crying into a whisky bottle.’
He stiffens, green eyes flickering behind his glasses. ‘Yeah. I remember. And the things you told me then… all that stuff about love not caring about logic or fairness…’
‘Yeah. What about it?’
His expression softens, just like the doc’s. And I hate it. I fucking hate it.
‘How long have you been in love with our best friend?’ he asks quietly.
My whole body coils tight, because of course he doesn’t know. He thinks this is a recent thing. Even if Sadie’s told him all she knows, he’ll think it began with the baby, because Tay thinks it began with the baby.
I’m so sick and twisted, I didn’t even find the courage to come clean with her.
Pretending I deserved her, believing it, when all I was doing was living a lie.
A fantasy.
‘Ax?’
‘Forever, Theo. Happy now?’ The words rip out of me. ‘I’ve loved her since the night I met you – since I dragged your sorry arse away from those idiots and she looked at me and…’
And I saw a glimmer of who I could be. Not the thug. Not the brute, or the criminal.
Someone worthy of more, so much more.
‘Jesus, Ax.’ He runs a hand through his hair. ‘And I thought my love for Sadie was bad…’
I grunt. ‘Yeah, well. Get in line.’
‘Okay, so tell me this,’ he says, shaking off his shock. ‘If you love her, why the hell is she crying on Sadie’s shoulder instead of yours?’
My head drops, the fight draining out of me in one long breath. ‘Because the baby that she wants, my baby, I can’t—’ My voice buckles. ‘I can’t give her that.’
‘What do you mean, “can’t”? You don’t want—’
‘I’m infertile, Theo. The results came in today. I’m firing fucked-up blanks.’
‘Shit…’ He steps closer, face going pale. ‘Mate, I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t.’ I shake my head abruptly. ‘I don’t want your sympathy. Not yours. Not hers. Not anyone’s.’
He rubs his hands down his face. ‘But it’s not the end, right? There must be treatments, things they can do—’
‘Not with me.’
He swallows, eyes wide as it sinks in. ‘And that’s why you ended it?’
‘It’s what she wanted, Theo. A baby. That’s why she chose me; that’s why we were together.’
‘She may have chosen you for a baby, Ax, but that’s not the reason she’s at home crying her heart out.’ His tone is maddeningly calm when everything in me wants to shatter. ‘She’s crying because she loves you. You were together because she loves you.’
I keep shaking my head, refusing to let it in.
‘And she wanted a baby. Hell, I wanted a baby.’ My voice breaks open. ‘Me. A dad. Can you imagine?’ I let out a bitter laugh.
‘Yes. I can. You’d make a brilliant dad. Ask Lottie. And if not through IVF, then adoption. You can’t just call it quits because you can’t have a baby the usual way.’
‘Easy for you to say,’ I snap. ‘Your swimmers ain’t fucked.’
‘You’re not listen—’
‘No, you’re not listening.’ Heat flares in my chest. ‘I can’t give her the child she wants. Our child.’
Theo steps closer, voice dropping. ‘What does DNA matter?’
A beat.
Another.
He nods towards the only framed photo in the room: a Christmas gift from Lottie, perched on the old ship’s barrel by the door. Him, Sadie, Lottie, all grinning like idiots.
‘I’m as much Lottie’s dad as if she’d been born to me,’ he says quietly. ‘Or do you deny that?’
My fists clench, the truth hitting harder than any punch he could throw.
‘You love her, Ax. That much is obvious. But love isn’t about legging it at the first hurdle, or because you’ve convinced yourself you’re broken.’ He shakes his head slowly. ‘Newsflash, mate: we’re all broken. Love is the bloody glue.’
I stare at the floorboards. ‘I can’t give her what she wants.’
He lets out a sharp breath. ‘You’re what she wants.’
‘More than a child?’
‘I’d bet my entire fortune on it.’
I look up, tears stinging and blurring everything – fucking tears!
‘Oh, you absolute idiot,’ he mutters, grabbing my arms. ‘She. Loves. You.’
‘But I’ve ruined it.’ The car. My words. The way I left her.
‘And you can un-ruin it.’
‘How?’
‘You tell her the whole truth. All of it. But after the way you handled things? It’ll take more than words to prove you’re in this for good.’
I shake my head, stomach rolling, heart racing, blood pounding too loud to think.
‘You ran at the first sign of trouble, Ax. You think she didn’t feel that? You know better than most that Tay doesn’t trust easily. And once you break that trust…’
My stomach lurches. ‘Game over.’
‘Only if you let it be, buddy.’ He nudges my shoulder. ‘Get your act together, stop moping like a kicked puppy, and bloody well fight for her. And if you don’t want Sadie turning up here and kicking your arse, too, I’d hurry the hell up.’
I suck in a breath, my first full breath in what feels like hours. His advice on a loop in my head:
Tell her the truth.
Fight for her.
It’ll take more than words.
‘I know what to do.’
‘Hal-fucking-lujah.’ Theo shakes his fists at the ceiling, triumphant. ‘Care to enlighten me?’
A flicker of warmth spreads through my chest as my plan takes shape.
‘You still on good terms with Harold Sinclair?’
He double-takes. ‘From Celeste I have to.
I force my eyes closed, begging sleep to pull me under… where I can’t feel, can’t think, can’t hurt any more.
A noise stirs in the distance. Voices. Footsteps. They drag me out of the dark as I peel one eye open. The grey light of dawn seeps through the blinds and the commotion builds.
Sadie?
I sit upright, pillow falling to the floor, and then I register the second voice: Axel?!
It can’t be. But—
‘I just need to talk to her, Sadie.’
‘I think you said plenty enough last night.’
I walk towards the voices in a trance, nails digging into my palms, hoping – praying – I’m not dreaming.
He’s there. In the living room at the end of the hall. Sadie stands in her bunny slippers and dressing gown, arms folded, glaring up at him like he’s the Antichrist. And I don’t blame her. He looks too good, too groomed, too in control for a man who shattered me last night.
Shattered me and left me like this. I don’t need a mirror to know my hair’s a frizzy disaster, my eyes red-rimmed, cheeks blotchy. And yeah, I’m wearing his old tee, because I am that desperate. I am that girl.
‘Sadie-baby, come on—’ Jesus, Theo’s here too. He steps into view. Another person to witness the car crash that is all me. ‘Let’s just let them talk and we’ll—’
A sob jerks out of me, and they all turn.
‘Taylor…’
Axel strides towards me, fierce and determined, and I stumble back.
‘What are you— Why are you here?’
‘Baby…’
‘Don’t you dare Baby Girl me.’ I shake my head, prodding a weak finger at his chest and regretting it as soon as the contact zips along my arm. ‘You left. I told you I was sorry. I told you I love you and you— and you—’
I fold in on myself, turning away and racing for my room. But he’s right there behind me, his hand gentle on my shoulder. ‘Please, Taylor. Look at me.’
Slowly, I turn, my lashes lifting, eyes drinking in every inch: worn jeans, black henley, ink peeking at his collar, the beard I can feel without touching him, lips I can taste, eyes that I… that I lose myself in now.
The torment rages on, but there’s something else in his depths. Something I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.