Chapter 2 #2
Against the closed bathroom door, I let out the air and the tears, which finally fell for the first time.
Helplessness was a bitch. I was giving everything I had, but it didn’t seem to be enough.
It wasn’t. I didn’t know Lucca’s cries. I wasn’t used to him, and he wasn’t used to me.
Everything was new for both of us. Maybe I was doing it wrong.
Maybe he wouldn’t get used to me. That had been taken from me.
I was a stranger to him. There was a crack in our bond, and maybe I would never be able to repair it.
I took a couple of breaths, my hands trembling, my chest heavy.
I washed my face, combed my hair and tied it up, then went to the kitchen.
Back in the bedroom, carrying the tea in the bottle, I froze, surprised by the silence while Selena rocked Lucca, humming softly. I looked, astonished, then envious.
I pushed the bottle toward her. “Here.”
“Drink it. It’s for you.”
“What did you do?”
“I changed his clothes. Lucca was bundled up too much, and that made him uncomfortable. Babies don’t feel cold and heat the way we do, sweetheart… You’ll learn.”
I slid onto the armchair, unscrewed the nipple from the bottle, and took a big gulp. “Maybe I wasn’t born to be a mother,” I commented bleakly after a while, to no one in particular. I felt a nauseating shame in myself.
“And who was? Do you think just because we’re women, we’re born ready to be mothers? If only it were that way! Being a mother is constant learning, Ella.”
I looked at her, only a little relieved.
She approached with an indulgent expression, as if she wanted nothing at all.
“I can stay home for a few months if you go there,” she offered. “I would help you. There’s no shame in asking for help if you feel you need it. You don’t have to know everything, love.”
Mamma was a woman full of tricks, and I confess I felt tempted.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Mom, but I can’t do that.”
“Can’t, or won’t?”
“Both,” I said honestly.
She shook her head with a tight smile.
I took advantage of her having Lucca and went to shower.
“Ella, love, what happened to you?”
The question hit me point-blank when I returned to the bedroom.
I paused, looking at mamma standing beside the crib, where Lucca was distracted with his teether, as if he hadn’t put a few gray hairs on my head minutes earlier… I got clothes from the dresser.
“I’m a mother.” That was a huge summary she, of course, didn’t understand, so I added, “I want Lucca to be raised here.”
“And Heithor is fine with that?”
“Why wouldn’t he be?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re here and he isn’t? Or maybe because you came back so unexpectedly, with practically nothing, as if you’d run away in a hurry? And if you tell me that’s normal, I’m going to spank you.”
“I brought everything I needed.”
“Are you saying you only needed the clothes on your back?”
I looked over my shoulder, exasperated.
“What do you want me to say, Mom?”
“The truth. Only the truth,” she snapped. “Ella, love, you don’t have to be your mother to see you’re suffering. Anyone can see that.”
“People suffer all the time, Mom, and the world keeps turning.”
“God! I hate when you lie to me.”
I closed the drawer, my clothes in hand, and turned toward her.
“You know what I hate, Mom? I hate when you do what you’re doing right now… when you don’t respect my space, my opinion, when you don’t respect me.”
I ignored her horrified expression and went to the bathroom.
I got dressed, swallowing my tears. I combed my wet hair and put lotion on my body.
“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to disrespect you. Just understand that we’re worried about you… I’m very worried about you.”
I left the jar of lotion on the sink counter, my shoulders relaxing, then looked at Selena filling the bathroom doorway.
“I understand, Mom, I really do. The thing is, that doesn’t give any of you the right to invade my space. I’m going through a complicated and very difficult phase in my life. I told you that…”
“Not everything.”
“I told you everything I thought I should tell,” I pointed out, leaving the bathroom for the bedroom and sitting on the bed, my head starting to ache.
Mamma wasn’t content, firing off her doubts, her voice full of the suspicion and confusion that mirrored her expression, just like everyone’s when they thought I wasn’t looking.
I could gather them and tell them all the reasons I’d come back.
And to be frank, I didn’t know why I hadn’t spoken.
I’d given them an easy explanation that wasn’t entirely a lie.
“Why aren’t you together anymore? Or did you make an agreement and he’ll come later?” she asked, sitting beside me. “Your aunts told me you two were doing so well we could even start thinking about a wedding dress.”
“Heithor has a lifestyle, Mom, that neither Lucca nor I fit into,” I said, feeling sorry for myself, my chest tight to the size of a walnut.
“Did he say that to you?”
I shook my head, still not looking at her. “He didn’t have to. His actions were very clear… We had problems after Lucca was born.”
Selena gathered a strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear, then held my chin, pulling me toward her. Loving eyes connected with mine.
“All couples have problems, Ella,” she whispered as if sharing a secret. “It’s normal for there to be some friction with the addition of a new member to the family. This is a period of readjustment for the couple, but everything always works out for the best.”
“I’m sure of that, Mom.”
“So?”
I stood and went to the window, needing the distance to hide the anger.
“There are problems that can’t be fixed.”
“Nonsense! They can if you want to.”
“I don’t want to.”