Chapter 3
Friday stretched through the entire weekend and passed in a blur.
I was more disconnected than ever. Looking at the world around me like a mere spectator.
I was glad Lucca could distract my parents.
Mamma was crazy with happiness. She and papà were two flatterers.
Lucca had them wrapped around his little finger.
I didn’t want to return to the apartment yet, afraid the doorbell would ring and Heithor would be on the other side.
I wasn’t ready for that encounter yet. Maybe I never would be.
Zero desire to look at him.
Zero desire to talk to him.
Zero desire to be in the same space as him.
If there were an option to never see him again in my life, even if the thought pricked my heart, I would seek every means to make it happen. We would never be able to undo our connection. Lucca bound us for eternity, whether we wanted it or not.
But a girl can dream, right?
And, well, this meeting could wait…
… Forever was a good amount of time for me.
In all these months, Heithor hadn’t called. Maybe because shame over the shitty thing he’d done to me had made him a coward, or maybe he was respecting my space.
The ridiculous thought drew a little laugh from me.
I was funny that way. Heithor couldn’t put respect and me in the same sentence. But it was fine. I expected nothing from him anymore.
I was on a personal quest where Heithor didn’t fit.
Pietra called every week. That, by the way, was one of the things I missed. A friend I could talk to openly, but again, our friendship was going through a transformation I had no idea where it would lead us.
There were days when Thor was a vague memory. On most of them, I was too tired to think about him and chew over the things he’d done to me. On other days, it was harder not to remember, especially when a situation reminded me of what I had lost.
Then there was the card.
It changed everything.
It opened Pandora’s box, and I couldn’t close it.
Resentment, once asleep, began to wake, dripping a unease into my memories, staining them with rancor and revolt.
It wasn’t as if these feelings were new or a surprise.
The thing was, there had been a before and after.
I chose not to feel, not to focus on them.
It was relatively easy. Thor wasn’t here.
But now he was back in my life. And while I thought about that, a cruel part of me longed for him to still want me for the simple pleasure of making him pay.
There were several sadistic scenes in my head, many possibilities running wild.
I didn’t like the distorted pleasure of savoring those fantasies.
And the more focus I gave them, the stronger and more seductive that part became, and the harder it was to refuse it.
That was partly why I preferred to ignore it.
Not because I was a good person, but because I wouldn’t give him any more power over me.
This time, I would not allow Thor to ruin my life.
This little beautiful thing I had built was mine.
I took possession of it.
On Sunday, calmer, we went to church in the morning. And when Mass ended, I stood and looked at Dad with Lucca restless in his arms, making his little noises.
“Can you please stay with him while I go to the candle room?”
Rocco nodded, playing with his grandson.
“While you’re doing that, I’m going to take the opportunity to talk to Father Leonel about next week’s charity bazaar,” mamma said. “I’ll be very busy this week and need to update him on this year’s changes. Will you participate?”
“I’d love to…”
“But you’re a mother, and blah, blah, blah…” Selena interrupted me, imitating my flimsy excuses. “I don’t know why I still ask.”
Papà smothered a laugh while mamma shot daggers at me.
“And I’ll be right here with this little man.”
Glad to be alone in the candle room, I lit a candle and closed my eyes. I prayed hard, begging for my prayer to be heard and for a miracle.
Then it happened just like that, suddenly, out of nowhere.
One minute, I was distracted in my silent prayer, and the next, I was very aware I was no longer alone.
My pulse accelerated, and then I froze down to the tips of my toes.
Frozen.
The hairs on my nape stood on end.
I opened my eyes, keeping them down on the floor.
I didn’t need to turn around to know who I would find.
My heart ran even faster.
Everything in me was hard, like marble. Even the flash of pain was a hard, massive, black sensation. Shock swallowed me and paralyzed every nerve in my body.
I should have known, but I hadn’t wanted to believe the signs, that he would be capable of it.
Since the beginning of Mass, I’d felt watched. I had looked to the sides, my heart in my hands. The person I was looking for wasn’t there, not even his shadow.
I wasn’t a paranoid person and I wouldn’t start now, so I ignored it.
I should trust my damned instincts more.
I didn’t move a single muscle.
I breathed shallowly.
Heithor rose over me, close enough for his presence to swallow me and his striking masculine scent to wrap around me, suffocating me with emotion.
“Ella.” The low whisper in that familiar baritone moved through me, numbing my anger and, in its place, leaving a trail of sadness.
Tears filled my eyes, but didn’t fall.
My heart beat so hard in my throat it was as if it had moved there, and it even hurt.
I clenched my teeth, furious at my lack of reaction.
I hardened more, if possible, when I felt him press his forehead lightly against the back of my head.
Only that part of him touched me, but it was like having him touch every part of me, wrapped around me, beneath my skin, inside me.
I felt his breath in my hair. Hot. Heavy. Each of his breaths pushing open the points still saturated by the wounds he himself had left in me, and that now began to bleed again.
A whole lifetime trapped in that moment…
Layers of sadness shadowed my will to live.
Anguish, butterflies in my stomach, hurt, resentment, longing, corrupted love, all mixed in one dark, sticky mass, expanded inside my chest.
“Forgive me… I’m so sorry, baby,” he said, his voice choked.
The knot in my throat was like a stone, smooth and unyielding. I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe. I squeezed my eyes shut, as if the act would make everything disappear, biting my lip hard enough to hurt.
He had no right to cry. Not after what he’d done to me.
Caught in the storm of emotions Heithor unleashed in me, I shut down, and when I opened my eyes, full of courage to confront him, he was gone.
***
“Gloria, go to my office and take someone with you to get the flowers.”
“Do you want me to do that now, miss?”
“Please.”
On Monday, when I arrived at VCG, I ignored the flowers, unable to appreciate them now that I knew who they were from.
I thought he wouldn’t send them anymore, but I was wrong.
So I went to the morning meeting with Mr. Cavalera and the team.
I resisted the urge to call home during the short break we had.
There was no reason to worry.
Thor knew the truth, after all. He wouldn’t dare take Lucca without my consent… or… no, he wouldn’t dare. For a second, while I was changing for work that morning, I considered the possibility and fear began to fill me, but it was madness, so I shook it away.
“If anyone shows up, you call me before letting them in.”
“Like who?” Giulia asked with interest.
“Thor… Heithor Castellammare is Lucca’s father.”
“Do you think he might want to hurt him?”
“No. Heithor wouldn’t…” I paused, annoyed with myself. “Just let me know if he or anyone else shows up here, all right?”
I had all her attention.
“Are we having problems here, Antonella?”
“No.”
“Maybe we should call your father? Or the police, if he’s dangerous?”
“Heithor isn’t…” He was dangerous to me. “We had a story together that didn’t end well. Heithor isn’t that kind of guy, you know, violent.”
Giulia was the daughter of my former nanny. She had been recommended by mamma. At first, I resisted the idea of leaving Lucca with someone, but then, there was no alternative. Giulia was discreet and loved my son. That was enough for her to stay.
When the meeting ended, I checked my phone, ignoring calls from an unknown number before leaving the now-empty room. No call from Giulia. Just to be sure, I called and breathed in relief. I couldn’t anticipate my reaction if she had called to say Heithor was there.
On my way to work on drafting the questionnaire Mr. Cavalera had asked for, I stopped at the doorway of the little room, watching the girl standing there poking around.
“Did no one ever tell you it’s ugly to snoop?”
I slipped inside.
“Amada!”
Pietra jumped toward me and pulled me into a hug.
“What are you doing here?”
She pushed herself back.
“Should I not have come?”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean that,” I said sincerely.
“At reception, they told me you were in a meeting and that I could wait or come back after lunch… Well, here I am!”
“We have a brainstorming session every Monday morning,” I explained. “Sit down.”
I went around my desk, set the folder down, and sat too.
Pietra looked around, smiling, and stopped on me.
“Beautiful flowers.”
“How are you?” I asked instead.
“I’m fine. And you? Lucca?”
“We’re fine.”
“Sorry for showing up like this without warning.”
I waved my hand in the air, dismissing the apology.
“No, it’s okay.”
“I thought about calling you before coming. I don’t know, I wanted to see Lucca.”
“You can see Lucca whenever you want, Pietra.”
She hesitated. “Thor too?”
Unpleasant silence opened a hole between us. I shifted in my chair into a more comfortable position and exhaled, smiling without teeth.
I forced a false softness into my voice.
“Heithor is Lucca’s father.”