Chapter 6 #3
“Do you think saying you’re sorry, asking for forgiveness, crying whatever the hell, is going to erase what you did to me, Heithor? That it’ll make me forget? That it’ll stop hurting? No, it won’t! It never will.”
“Baby, please…”
The tears ran freely down my face, dripping onto his as I looked at him.
“You know, damn you. You know everything I went through, and you still have the nerve to ask me for forgiveness? I missed his first bath, his first colic, his first trip to the pediatrician, his first everything. Pieces I will never be able to get back. You did that to me!”
“I suffered every day…”
“Don’t you dare,” I bit out, mad with rage, pointing my finger in his red face.
“I suffered, Ella. I would give everything to go back in time and erase what I did to you. I know that’s impossible. But, baby, we can overcome this and get out of it, if you give me a chance.”
I locked my gaze on his. The pain there did nothing to me except incite my fury and turn me to stone all the way to my soul. I was sparking. Enraged beyond words.
For long minutes, I only looked at Heithor. I slowly slid my hand into his hair and closed my fingers, pulling his head back with enough force to hurt. Sick pleasure rolled through me as I stared down into his eyes.
“Do you want to be my little fuck toy? Because that’s the only kind of relationship you’ll have with me.
A no-strings fuck. You can’t be trusted anywhere near my heart.
You don’t deserve my affection or my tenderness.
You’re not good enough to make love to me…
to be my man. Don’t confuse me, Heithor, with those foolish little women.
I can separate one thing from another just fine.
I never needed love to fuck, and fuck it if I’ll need it now. ”
“You can’t be fucking serious,” he growled.
“Yes, I am. I can ride your cock and take all the pleasure without risking my heart again. It isn’t much different from what you offered me in Malibu, so don’t be shocked.”
He went still, bristling with rage.
The next sequence of events happened in a blur.
I watched the understanding of what had just happened cross his face, shortly before turning to get the hell out of there. More wounded than when I’d walked in.
Heithor reached me at the door, catching me before I could open it and shoving me against it. I fought him with everything I had. Scratching. Cursing. Hitting.
My control was a thread away from shattering on the floor.
I didn’t want to break in front of him.
I didn’t want to look weak.
I didn’t want him to see up close the damage he’d done to my life, how much he still affected me, the power he still had. Because, God, it hurt so much.
Heithor got in my face and kissed me hard, forcing it.
Mad with rage, I bit his lower lip until it bled. He didn’t pull away, but we stopped. His forehead pressed to mine. Our breaths hard and broken.
Heithor’s frame trembled.
“Look at me, fuck it. Look at me and tell me you don’t love me. Say it, Ella! You want to fool yourself, go ahead, make me believe your lie… Say it, damn it!”
“I do love you, but I hate you too.”
“You want to punish me, Ella?” His voice was a deep growl.
“I want you to go to hell.”
“I’m already there, baby, long before this shit.” He paused, laughing without humor. “You sent me there from the first time we saw each other in that nightclub.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, my fingers tight, every inch of me contracted, pulsing with pain, with anger, pure agony twisting my gut.
I felt as if I were falling into a bottomless hole.
“I won’t give up on you, Ella. Never. I wasn’t willing to do that before, and fuck me if I’ll do it now.
I’ll pay for my mistakes somehow, any way you want, but I’m not giving up on you before I put all my chips on the table.
I was stupid before and almost lost you because of a fucking lie. I won’t make the same mistake.”
I opened my eyes and gave him a bitter smile.
“I’ll never forgive you.”
His gaze pinned me with such profuse intensity it would have kept me in place even if he weren’t holding me with his body and his hands.
“We’ll do this the easy way or the harder way. It doesn’t matter. I’m not giving up on you. However long it takes, I’m here.”
I was so… I don’t even know how to say it.
Heithor’s eyes pierced me, and suddenly, I didn’t want to hear anymore. But there was no escape. His hands were still holding my face.
His voice dropped to a whisper that echoed inside my broken heart.
“All right, Ella… all right. It will be the work of my life to win you back, even if it takes all of it. I’m staying and fighting for you, for us.
Fighting for every strand of hair on your beautiful head.
If you run, I’ll put on my sneakers and catch you.
If you flee, I’ll go get you, but I’m not living without you anymore. ”
He moved away, allowing me to escape, and that was exactly what I did.
Arms wrapped around myself, standing in the entrance to my dark apartment, I looked around, seeing everything blurred by the pools of tears in my eyes.
I was protected in the safety of my home.
No one would take this or anything else from me.
Never again.