Chapter 6 #2
“No,” Heithor said with a growl. “Norah ran before I could get my hands on her, but she won’t be able to run her whole life. After I came back from Thailand, I spoke with Franco, and then I found out you had left with Lucca.”
“And Benjamin?”
“I took care of him.”
“Took care of him?”
Heithor gave me a look, ice and violence burning in the dark depths, making words unnecessary. I wasn’t surprised, but I felt something close to sorrow.
“I have people searching for Norah’s whereabouts. I spent the last three months looking for her myself, but the bitch somehow always slips away. Norah won’t have that luck forever. And I will make sure she doesn’t get near Lucca or you.”
That wasn’t something I had considered. Norah had already done her damage, so the idea that she might come near us to cause more was inconceivable to me.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked after a moment of silence.
“You have the right to know what happened.”
I looked at him so firmly it was almost physical.
“Me? Or you?”
“Ella…”
“What? Suddenly, you care about my rights? About what I feel? Suddenly what I think matters? How does that work, Heithor? And please, let’s not pretend this whole farce is new to me.
What she did and how she did it mean nothing to me.
In fact, it only confirms what I already knew.
What I always knew and got tired of telling you. So what difference does it make?”
Heithor clenched his jaw.
I released a short, sarcastic laugh, then scowled. “It shouldn’t make any difference to you either, right? You hated me. You couldn’t even stay in the same room as me, hear me, look at me.” I hated the slight tremor of pain in my voice.
“I understand that you’re angry with me…
What I did to you was wrong. I don’t have words to say how sorry I am for hurting you, Ella.
I was a fucking huge idiot. You were right the whole time.
I should have looked harder before… I was hurt, suffering like hell, and furious with you because I believed a lie.
That doesn’t justify what I did. But, baby, I would never, ever hurt you on purpose. ”
“Not even when you made it clear that if I didn’t ‘behave,’ you’d put me out on the street? Or when you offered me the spectacular opportunity to ride your cock because I was good enough to be your little whore, but not good enough to be the mother of your child?”
“I don’t like you talking about yourself that way, Antonella.”
“Why? Weren’t those the only choices you gave me? It wasn’t on purpose? Seriously, Heithor, you want me to believe that bullshit?”
I savored the agonizing pain spilling out of his eyes.
“God, this is fucked,” he muttered, rubbing his face with his free hand.
“You bet it is.” And I added with contempt, sarcasm dripping from every word. “So you got your big truth and now you’re here. Is it that easy?”
“Nothing about this is easy, Ella,” he said bitterly.
“Being here in front of you, aware that I was a fucking son of a bitch and that because of it I may have lost you forever, terrifies me. It’s much easier to be in the line of fire with death imminent.
I’ve never been the religious type, but here I am, praying you’ll find generosity in your heart and forgive me and give me a chance to fix things, even if I don’t deserve it…
I want to deserve you, Antonella. I want you to want me to deserve you.
To want me, no matter how… I swear everything will be different.
I don’t know how to live without you. There is no other woman for me. It’s you, only you, baby.”
Resentment drove its poisonous claws into me and tore deep. My eyes filled with tears as I looked at him, but they didn’t fall.
I wished he had shown that same commitment before.
“Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“No. I expect to show you that we are still worth fighting for.”
“And to think you accused me of selfishness,” I thought aloud.
“We both suffered, Ella,” he pointed out. “Norah won’t get away with it.”
“It wasn’t Norah or Benjamin who fucked me over, Heithor.
It was you. Only and exclusively you! It was your blind distrust of me because you never really tried.
And before you throw it in my face, yes, I was a bitch to you.
I regretted it and I tried… I tried so hard to redeem myself with you, with our baby…
I gave everything I had… I was one hundred percent in that relationship…
I trusted you, your fucking promises, and for what, Heithor? ”
He had the infamy to look ashamed.
Memories rolled through my mind, and while he was there, I fought mentally to shove them back into the black hole where I’d buried them…
I almost managed it.
“Tell me, Heithor, did I not try enough? Was my love that thin? So mediocre that at the first obstacle, you gave up and stabbed me without thinking twice?”
“What would you do to protect our son, Ella?”
“I don’t know what I would do, Heithor, but I know what I wouldn’t do.”
He cursed, running a hand through his hair.
“My mistakes aren’t pretty, and I’m not proud of them, Ella. There isn’t a single day I don’t curse myself for what I did. We were deceived. We fell for it perfectly.”
I yanked my arm back violently and sprang to my feet, not caring about the noise of the chair crashing down behind me or the wine bottle destroying everything in its path to the floor. Things fell and broke. The room swelled with tension.
I looked at him with pain, my flayed love growing with hatred.
“You fell for it, not me!” I snapped, enraged.
Heithor stood, advanced one step, and stopped. I moved farther away, unable to handle his closeness in that moment. Our breathing was harsh and panting.
“We still love each other, Ella.”
“Love? What love, Heithor? That selfish piece-of-shit love? Is that the love you’re talking about? You didn’t want it before, did you? Now you want it? Now it’s enough? What changed?”
He took another step closer, looking furious.
“What do you want to hear, Ella? Tell me what the fuck you want to hear. That I was an idiot? A huge son of a bitch? I was all of that and a little more. I believed I had reasons to be. It’s not an excuse.
It’s the facts, whether you like it or not.
I suffered like hell too, fuck… Do you have any idea how hard it was for me?
Another fucking time, I had to choose between the woman I love and my son. ”
“Your choice was never between our son and me. It was always between giving credit to a lie and the woman you claimed to love. It was between giving me the benefit of the doubt and embracing your blind distrust. Between being a monster and a human capable of compassion. Between valuing the little we built and despising it…”
I stopped, huffing a loose laugh. Maybe madness had finally reached me. I was tired, agonizing, sick with resentment, pain, love, everything.
I hated this man. Hated everything he had done to me.
Though I also loved the miserable bastard.
“I hate you… God, I fucking hate you.”
Heithor reached out and pulled me to close the distance.
“Don’t fucking touch me! I don’t want you putting one damned finger on me.” I fought him, boiling even more when he dropped to his knees, crying.
“Forgive me, Ella. I am so sorry, sweetheart,” he begged, his arms tight around my legs, his head pressed to my stomach. I pushed, put my hands on his shoulders and forced, but it was like trying to move a rock, so I gave up. I let my arms fall at my sides, hands in fists.
I narrowed my eyes, tension digging hard into my forehead.
This same man, now looking too desperate, devastatingly broken, reflecting an excruciating pain that echoed inside me, had dragged me through hell. This maledetto had kept me under the sole of his shoe, indifferent to my pleas.
Heithor lifted his head, looking up at me, subdued, trembling.
“There weren’t only mistakes, Ella. I took care of you too.”
“Took care of me?” I laughed nervously, my eyes flooded.
“No, Heithor. You humiliated me, you bastard. You stepped on me while I begged you to at least give me the doubt. Not once or twice, but fucking countless times,” I shouted, furious, and I exploded.
I burned and took him with me, unloading on his shameless face.
Heithor didn’t try to stop me. He just stayed at the mercy of my hand. I did it so many and so many times, until my palm throbbed with pain and I was panting and too tired to keep going. His pain was mine. The same agony. The same sadness.