Chapter 6
That was it. I couldn’t drag this moment out any longer. There was no reason to live in denial. The facts were there, and I couldn’t go on pretending they didn’t exist.
It wasn’t about Thor or me, but about our boy.
I took a sip of water, avoiding his eyes.
My nerves were ricocheting. There was no point being nervous, I told myself, and it went in one ear and out the other.
I looked around and back at the table, regretting having sent Lucca to Gio.
I’d thought it would be easier this way.
After all, this was a serious adult conversation.
I had acted too quickly. And now, I wanted my baby, his sweet scent calming me, exorcising the demons lying in wait.
Lucca was my anchor, my safety.
This was definitely the last place I wanted to be, seated in Heithor’s presence, with an untouched plate of lamb, potatoes, and fine herbs in front of me.
It smelled delicious, but my stomach had been violently rejecting it since I’d planted my ass in the chair ten minutes ago.
Possibly more. Well, I have to confess that the image of the knife in my hand gave me ideas the law was firmly against, so I kept myself away from any temptation that might lead me to illegal acts.
I didn’t want to feel anything except cauterized anger, because it wasn’t the only feeling burning in my chest. I didn’t want those good feelings to wake to life, breathing in his direction.
In these four months, I hadn’t dared fool myself by saying I felt nothing for him anymore.
Those feelings were still there, tucked away in a safe place I had forbidden myself to go.
Heithor didn’t deserve those untouched pieces of me.
I might even understand his reasons at another time, but not today.
It’s not about us. It’s about Lucca.
My disobedient eyes slid over him.
Heithor looked irresistible in a white shirt stretched over his strong chest, the sleeves rolled to his elbows and the top two buttons open, revealing a little skin and sparse hair.
The silver Rolex stood out on his thick wrist beneath the flickering candlelight.
That was another wrong thing. This whole scene he’d created, this romance under low amber light, was simply wrong.
Nothing about it made me comfortable. My desire to speak had been drained the second I stepped in here, limiting me to stupid monologues.
I swallowed hard, dragging my gaze up to the line of his eyes.
Heithor kept his beard trimmed and the same stylish haircut as before.
He looked comfortable, easy even, his expression steady, indifferent to the monstrous tension snaking around us as if none of this affected him.
How dare he look calm when I was one step away from disintegrating in this chair?
I drew in a deep breath and bit the insides of my cheeks.
I was angry, outraged, for reasons I didn’t even want to think about.
The problem with the mind and the heart is that they never balance. One wants one thing while the other wants another. They are rarely in agreement.
I let my gaze circle once more in an attempt to calm myself.
There was nothing, absolutely nothing, personal here.
Because it isn’t his. Thor had, in some illegal way, convinced Mr. Omero.
“You’re beautiful, Antonella. I know I already said that, but I can’t take my eyes off you… Milan has been very good to you.” The baritone tone of his deadly soft voice slid over me like an addiction, spreading heat through my limbs.
I only looked at him, hard from head to toe.
Discomfort pinned into my expression, and I wasn’t making any effort to hide it.
Nothing in me was natural or soft. It was like being restrained.
Having a huge, rocky stone inside me. Blind rage trying to come into the light, and I was so tense, fighting to keep it there, under control, locked away.
So I did the only thing I could do. I breathed again and again.
“Ella?”
“Sorry, what?”
“You should eat.”
“No.”
“At least try it. I promise the restaurant—”
“I don’t want to eat, Heithor. I want to talk. That’s why I’m here.”
It took him a moment, but he agreed with a defeated sigh and set down his silverware. Abandoning the lamb didn’t seem like much of a sacrifice. In fact, Heithor looked relieved to end the farce of us being a normal couple having dinner by candlelight.
“All right, Ella. We don’t have to eat.”
I wanted to scream at him to stop being so sweet and understanding, as if I mattered now. His compassion only fed my irritation.
The discomfort wouldn’t stop growing like a furious snowball…
… It was going to crash hard, and when it was over, it would leave an ugly trail of destruction.
“You seem very well, if I may say so,” he commented distractedly.
“No thanks to you, but yes, I’m great.”
“That’s debatable,” he replied calmly.
“What do you mean?”
Mystery shadowed his features, then nothing.
“Did Lucca stay with the nanny?”
I was caught off guard for a few seconds by the change.
“No, he’s with Giovanna.”
“Giulia, the nanny, seems good with him.”
“She is,” I croaked, then cleared my throat and spoke more firmly, though I suspected he already had a complete dossier on her. “Giulia is the daughter of my former nanny, who was also very good to me. She’s responsible and has good character. Lucca adores her, and she adores him.”
“It’s hard not to be enchanted by our little guy,” he said, with a smile in his voice, his tone low and intimate. “He’s getting more beautiful every day.”
“Yes.”
“He’s grown a lot.”
“Babies grow.”
The sound of his short, low laugh made me look him in the eyes.
His face was still indecipherable.
Heithor took a long sip of wine.
“You’re right. Babies grow.” He lowered the glass to the table. “Apparently, hatred does too. I don’t blame you. Mine is too big as well, but you can’t hate yourself your whole life, Ella… Though I’d rather you hate me than feel nothing.”
“Oh really? And how do you know I feel anything?”
He leaned back in his chair, analyzing me with his intelligent eyes. “You wouldn’t be sitting here so stiff and tense, your heart pounding, pupils contracted, your lips trembling that little bit—I’d bet your hands are too—if you felt nothing.”
“From hatred to indifference is a short jump,” I cut in, with a killing look.
“So is hatred to love.”
“Is that what this is about, Heithor? Is that why you came back?”
His gaze captured mine. Dark and unfathomable. It fascinated and irritated me in equal measure. The force of that look, slow and assessing, left my knees weak.
“If you’re suggesting I’m here because I want you back and I’m willing to cross through hell if that’s what I have to do to earn your forgiveness, then the answer is yes.”
I swallowed hard, rejecting the shot through my chest.
Clear and objective. Bang-bang! And then, freedom!
“I spoke to my lawyer today,” I began, playing the sensible woman I was trying hard to be. “We can discuss Lucca’s needs amicably, work out the custody details between ourselves, and then meet with our lawyers to formalize the agreement.”
“Ella…”
I paid no attention and launched into the speech I had rehearsed all afternoon.
The more time I spent in his presence, the angrier, more nervous, more everything I became. My stomach was in my feet, anxiety eating me alive.
“I wouldn’t like custody to be shared, at least not for now while he’s still such a baby, but we can think about it later when Lucca is older.
I mean, I don’t think moving between homes right now would be good for him.
Lucca is still very little to handle those changes.
It could affect him badly, and neither of us wants that.
Besides, you have your work. I don’t know exactly how that will work for you, anyway. ”
“Ella, baby, stop…”
“I won’t keep you from seeing him. Well, now that you live next door, I think that makes things… uh… easier. You can see Lucca whenever you want and take him out too. I would just like to be told in advance.”
“Ella, stop…”
“As for child support, you’re free to arrange whatever amount you want to give with your lawyer. I won’t fight over amounts, and—”
“Stop, Ella! Our son is very important to me, and I know you won’t be the bastard to me that I was to you. But I didn’t call you here to talk about him.”
“In that case,” I moved to stand and get out of there.
Thor caught my wrist halfway, and the electricity of his touch left me petrified and caused all the wrong kinds of shivers in my body.
“We need to talk about us, Ella.”
I looked at him, wanting to burn a hole through his head.
“There’s nothing to talk about except Lucca.”
“Denying it won’t make it true. Sit down.” His tone was calm and persuasive, but the brutality of that demand couldn’t be erased.
I didn’t want to, but I sat back down. My legs weren’t doing well anyway.
I had built myself into a strong, civilized woman who, there in front of him, I realized was a lie.
His presence made me fragile, swallowed up and diminished.
Rage at that fact boiled, threatening to overflow.
I clenched my teeth, containing everything in a fragile embrace. Mute and paralyzed.
Thor didn’t release my wrist. My skeptical gaze dropped to where he touched me when I felt his thumb press, stroking up and down.
I should have pulled my arm away, done something, anything…
“You ran before I had the chance to ask forgiveness.”
I slid my gaze up to his anguished face.
“I am so sorry, Ella. I wish things had been different for us, but it seems they’ll always be difficult.” He laughed without humor. “It’s our karma.”
Heithor told me about Norah and her web of accomplices. While he spoke, numbness was making its way through my body.
“Did you find her?” I asked minutes later.
Pietra had told me something, but she had never gone into detail and I hadn’t demanded it. It was surprising to know Benjamin had gone to Heithor. I hadn’t expected that.