Chapter 13
I couldn’t deny it. Thor helped me a lot with Lucca.
One month was enough time to notice the difference he made in my life and Lucca’s. One I hated seeing, but it was there, right in front of my eyes.
One month that seemed too long, but passed so fast that when I realized it, I was shocked so much time had gone by without my noticing.
One month where I got used to living with Thor and Lola.
Everything was easier with him, natural as breathing.
Thor was also cooking our meals. It was pleasant to watch him in my kitchen, but at the same time, all of it incited anger too.
It was easy to be with him and let myself be carried away by the moment until the memories flooded me.
Thor had no idea how much I resented him every time I saw him so family-like, so paternal and domestic.
It was everything I wanted. Everything his doubts had destroyed, and I couldn’t have it anymore.
No matter how much he pretended we were fine, that we were a family.
I knew the truth. We were nothing but people sharing the same space.
I didn’t doubt his love, but I didn’t trust him.
I wanted to curse him, but I also wanted to say I loved him.
I wanted to hit him, but also hug him and let myself be wrapped in his arms every time he, with his sneaky way, always found a way to touch me.
I loved and hated him equally.
I don’t know what we were doing here, to be honest.
Before he showed up and invaded my space, I was doing well, certain of everything. Thor destabilized me. Shook my foundations and confused me, but still, when I thought, I couldn’t forget all the things he had done to me. So I didn’t think.
***
I sat on the edge of the bed to put on my sandals, anxious for my first official outing. I was going to take a dose of normalcy and socialize with the people from VCG.
“Where are you going?”
I lifted my gaze. “I’m meeting the agency people to celebrate the success of the campaign for one of our most important clients. We surpassed the target.”
“Why are you only saying this now?” he asked in an even tone, lowering the book he was reading. Yes, that’s right. He had returned to my bed without further provocations.
“Sorry, I should have told you sooner, but I’ve been so tangled up with work and classes that I ended up forgetting. In any case, you’re here and very familiar with your son, so there’s no problem. I’ll be back before eleven.”
I finished with the sandals and stood, smoothing down the dress. It was a black sheath, with a square neckline and thick straps, reaching the tops of my thighs.
“You’re going out like that?”
“I don’t understand.” And I didn’t like his expression one bit.
Thor stood, his bare chest tensed, tempting me, but I was strong and kept my gaze level with his eyes… Fine, I stole an innocent little look.
At least he was wearing pajama pants.
“You are not going out dressed like that,” he said harshly.
“Excuse me? Sorry, I didn’t realize I’d asked your permission.”
“You have a son at home, Antonella.”
“And I also have his father,” I shot back, going to the bathroom as I spoke. Thor came after me. “It won’t cost you anything to stay with him while I go to work.”
He leaned his shoulder against the doorframe and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Is that what we’re calling a party now?”
“Why exactly are we fighting?”
I put my lipstick in my clutch and checked my look one last time, and modesty aside, I looked hot. The dress fit like a glove. You could barely even notice my little belly. I walked to the door, and Thor straightened, occupying the entire space.
“You are not going out like that.”
I narrowed my smoky eyes at him, then sighed, controlling my temper, and spoke as calmly as I could, pausing, so I wouldn’t wake my little breast addict.
“Thor, I didn’t ask your permission. And another thing, this has nothing to do with you.”
“The fuck it doesn’t. If you go, I go too.”
“Have you lost your mind?”
“What’s wrong? Am I going to get in your way? Why don’t you want me there?”
“Because it’s a meeting…”
“Party,” he pointed out in a grunt.
I breathed deeply, barely containing the desire to roll my eyes.
“Whatever! It’s a party, meeting, for the company where I work, and you weren’t invited.
Besides, someone has to stay with Lucca, and it’s only fair that someone be you…
Fine. You have ten minutes to find someone I trust to stay with Lucca and meet me in the living room.
Ten minutes, Heithor, then I’m leaving.”
Have I mentioned I’m lucky in bad luck?
Ten minutes later, with no Heithor, I decided to go alone. Almost. The doorbell rang right when I touched the doorknob, then Martha sprouted in front of me.
“Good evening, girl,” she said, giving me a kiss on the cheek as she came in.
“What…?”
“Martha will stay with Lucca,” Thor announced behind me.
This should have been my social moment. One, maybe two little hours, just for me.
No demands. Just being Ella the woman, who also liked to flirt and laugh at nonsense.
It should not have been Ella with a skewer shoved up her ass while Thor danced with my coworkers and was pampered by them.
It didn’t matter if I dismissed him with one or two rude remarks when he insisted on staying by my side pretending we were normal.
Does. Not. Matter. One. Shit.
That bastard had no business playing dancer.
Thor shouldn’t be smiling at any of those clowns trying to get a chance with him. I wanted to fire them all. Clock in and make my last name count.
That idiot shouldn’t even have accompanied me.
“That wasn’t too bad,” he said, smiling as he put on his seat belt and started the car. “It was good to unwind. And did you have fun?”
“You tell me, since you monopolized the dance floor! Now, can we go home, or do you want to go back in there and do one more spin?”
“All right. Let’s go home.” He pulled the car away from the curb.
The drive to the building was silent. It was a miracle the elevator didn’t accuse us of being overweight with the heaviness of the tension between us when we were trapped in it until our floor.
I entered my apartment, followed by Thor, deliberately ignoring him. I said goodbye to Martha in a few words and went to the bedroom. And began dismantling myself.
“Ella?” he called softly, coming up behind me.
I wanted so badly to punch him.
“What is it?” I grunted, without looking at him as I hopped out of my dress, then swayed my ass in a thong into the bathroom.
“Why are you like this?”
“I don’t know, Heithor,” I muttered sarcastically, grabbing the robe from the hook and wrapping myself in it. “Maybe because you ruined my night, which should have been pleasant, since I’ve been working hard since I got here.”
“And what the fuck did I do?”
I gave him a lethal look.
“You didn’t do anything, Heithor. As always, you didn’t do a fucking thing.”
“Then why are you angry?”
“You’re ridiculous!”
“Ella, you know I hate these little scenes. If you want to tell me something, say it.”
“I don’t give a shit what you hate.”
“Ella,” he warned fiercely. That had my blood bubbling.
“Use your head, bastard.”
“I only did what you asked me to, woman,” he said, exasperated, and paused, the smile poorly hidden. “By the way, the right question is: what didn’t I do?”
I pointed a rigid finger. “Listen here, smart-ass, don’t come at me with your jokes now.
I don’t have patience for it.” Going to the sink, I started taking off my makeup as I added, looking at his reflection behind me, “And you want to know what you did? Well, for starters, you shouldn’t even have gone.
You went because you’re nosy. You ruined my night.
Is that good enough for you? What are you laughing at? ”
Thor took a step closer, his gaze softening with enthusiasm.
“Do you realize we’re acting like a couple? This is our first fight since we started living together.”
“We are not living together, damn it. You’re only here because… because… argh! We are not a couple. Put that in your head once and for all.”
“You know, I actually miss this foul mouth of yours.”
I shot him a death glare through the mirror. “Enough. Do you hear me? Enough!”
“Sweetheart, I only did what you asked…”
“If you’d done what I asked, you wouldn’t have gone.”
“You keep insisting on that fucking point, Antonella.” He leaned against the sink beside me, arms crossed over his chest. “Why shouldn’t I have gone?”
I drew in a deep breath, then turned.
“Listen, if your intention is to make us closer, forget it, because this is only pushing me farther away than we already are. I have my own life, Heithor. I don’t like being followed. I don’t like being supervised, as if I’m incapable. Your time monitoring me is over. Enough.”
“You’re the mother of my son, Ella. You’re the woman I love. And at the moment, we’re living under the same roof. So yes, I need to know where you are in case something happens, unless you have something to hide.”
“I own my life, and I’m single, Heithor.”
“Are you interested in someone?”
“That is none of your business.”
“Should I understand that you have someone in mind, is that it?”
“Heithor, for God’s sake, we’re separated.
There’s no chance of us getting back together.
Accept that, because it will be better for both of us.
I’m trying to move on with my life. What I have here may not be much, but the little I’ve managed was by my own merit.
I don’t want to deceive you or hurt you…
I don’t see how we can get back together.
Life moves on. One day I’ll have someone, and I don’t want that to be a problem between us. Our son doesn’t deserve that.”
Shock crossed Thor’s face, and then he became emotionless.
“Our son doesn’t deserve separated parents!”
“I’ve changed, but I haven’t become perfect, Heithor.
I’m not going to give up my happiness for ‘my son’s sake.
’ Don’t get me wrong. I want to and will do everything within my reach so he can be happy, but I refuse to chain myself to a relationship where I won’t be happy just because we’re his parents, because that’s when I’d truly be passing my unhappiness on to him. I won’t do that. Absolutely not.”
“I would make you unhappy, Ella?”
“Heithor, it doesn’t have to be like this. We can take care of Lucca and be happy, just separately. You can rebuild your life just as I intend to rebuild mine…”
“My son will not live under another man’s roof, and I sure as hell won’t share him or the title of father,” he growled, heading to the bedroom. I went after him.
“For God’s sake, stop saying nonsense! No one will take your place as his father. All the rights are yours, but we need to make things clear here. One day I… will find someone. I’m not thinking about that right now, but it’s a real fact… What are you doing?”
“I’m sleeping in the living room.”
“Thor?”
He ignored me, grabbed a pillow, and left, huffing.
I looked at the closed door, not knowing what to think or say.
Lucca and Lola were passed out.
Minutes later, I lay down, trying not to feel guilty, without success. I couldn’t sleep, even if I didn’t like worrying about him. I got up and went to the living room.
I stopped, looking at him stretched out on the sofa, his arm over his eyes.
“Thor, stop being ridiculous and come to bed,” I said, defeated.
“I’m fine here.”
He didn’t even look at me, didn’t even move.
I huffed, hesitated, scratched my forehead, then took a deep breath, asking for patience.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It’s fine, Ella.”
“Come sleep in bed, then. You’ll screw up your back if you sleep there.” Of all the lies he had manipulated, this one was real. He truly couldn’t sleep there.
“Don’t worry about me. If anything, I’ll take medicine tomorrow. You’d better go lie down. I imagine you don’t have the day off work tomorrow.”
I followed his advice, scolding myself for being so stupid.
At some point that night, Thor slid beneath the covers, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me tight against him.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to act like a nosy bastard and ruin your night. I’m truly sorry. I’m an idiot. I know how hard you’ve been working… I just… I go crazy when I think about the possibility of losing you forever…”
“Thor, you know…”
“I know, sweetheart. You’re convinced you’ll never forgive me. I don’t even know if I’ll forgive myself one day either, and I also know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need to have faith and believe you will. I’ll die if I don’t think that way… I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine… What are you doing?”
“Holding you.”
“We shouldn’t…”
“Please, just let me hold you like this.”
I hardened in his iron hold before letting myself relax a little.
“It’s been a month.”
“It’s not my fault these things take time.”
“We both know that’s a lie,” I said calmly.
There was a tense pause, then he asked quietly:
“Why haven’t you sent me away?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted in a whisper.
“You love me.”
It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t answer, mostly because the words escaped me when he made me turn onto my back to meet his searching gaze.
Thor rested his head on his hand, the other lying on my stomach.
His presence grew over me, trying to swallow me, stealing my air, making me vulnerable and small. I didn’t shrink. I stayed still, eyes alert.
“I understand that you want to hurt me… that you don’t want to make me happy by hearing the words I’m dying to hear leave those beautiful lips…
I understand and accept it… I accept whatever you want, baby.
If you wanted to whip me in the public square, I’d buy the stocks and the whips if it meant at least easing a little of what I did to you. ”
“Don’t give me ideas,” I mocked, smiling.
Thor lowered his head to his own pillow, his expression humble.
“Don’t send me away, baby. If you want me to go, I’ll leave right now, but don’t ask me to leave, please. Not yet. I need to be near you, near Lucca.”
“You won’t be able to stay here forever, Heithor.”
“I could if you wanted me to, if you gave me a chance, gave us both one.”
I turned around, putting my back to him.
“You can hold me now,” I grumbled, surrendering to sleep.