Chapter 16 #2
I spent Christmas with my family at my grandparents’ house.
On New Year’s Eve, we celebrated at my parents’ mansion.
There I saw Thor again.
I hadn’t seen him since that painful morning in my apartment. He had been avoiding me, showing up for visits at times when I wasn’t there. I didn’t quite know what to think of that, nor was I very sure how I felt.
Giulia, during that time, had tried to talk to me about him, but I silenced her harshly, even a little rudely, and she said nothing more.
I know she didn’t mean any harm, just like my mother and the women in my family.
They were all convinced I should get back together with Heithor. It wasn’t going to happen.
I ran my eyes over the hall, so many different faces, family and acquaintances…
… and him.
The waiters in their white suits floated with full trays among the guests. Champagne and canapés.
Tuxedos and long gowns.
Luxury poured through the hall, among the guests, dripping.
The combination of laughter, frivolous conversations, the clinking of crystal, and all that festive atmosphere. Somehow, it was suffocating me inside my long red Versace.
“Can you stay with him for a minute?”
“Of course, girl,” Martha said, taking Lucca. “Is something wrong?”
“I just need to get some air.”
“Don’t take long. It’s very cold outside.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Ella, take the coat or you’ll freeze or catch a cold.”
I smiled, taking the stole and placing it around my shoulders.
Outside, on the veranda, I left the stole on one of the sofas.
I took a glass of champagne from one of the waiters, gathered the fabric of my dress with my other hand, and stepped through the frozen grass.
It was very cold, but I needed the shock of that sensation.
I stopped well before the slope leading down to the bank and let my gaze fall on the horizon, where Lake Como opened, frozen at this time of year.
On the other side, lit points of little houses were like fireflies illuminating the darkness.
As I looked, I grew more and more emotional.
I was tremendously grateful.
I had beaten this, hadn’t I?
And yet, I still found myself moribund. All that pain and sadness had become a part of me, one I would have to learn to live with. In my future, there were irreparable holes, gaps that would never be filled. That was a terrible resolution.
I felt a presence move behind me… Thor… I didn’t move.
He placed himself at my side.
No one spoke.
We were pretending no one was there… I barely held back the huffed laugh. Pretending… We were always pretending. What? I didn’t know. Why? Much less.
“You’re beautiful, Antonella,” he said kindly after a while.
“Thank you.” I looked at him. “You’re handsome too.”
Thor looked, his black eyebrow rising in disbelief. He nodded in a stiff gesture and shifted his gaze forward. He was thinner, still as beautiful as before.
He wore a black tuxedo and bow tie. Nothing custom-made like most of my parents’ male guests, but definitely expensive. Thor was a jeans-and-T-shirt guy, and seeing him so formal was always a dazzling sight.
I took a sip of champagne, and he drank from his own glass.
A cold gust of wind made me shiver, and I released a hiss, putting my arms around myself… From my periphery, I saw Thor unbutton his jacket.
“No. Keep it. I’m fine.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it in a rigid line.
It was… Well, I don’t know how to identify my feelings, nor the sensation of numbness running through me in that moment.
“When are you going to stop sending the flowers?”
“When you forgive me.”
“I hope you have a lifetime contract.”
“For after death, if necessary.”
I looked at him, shocked, especially when I saw in his eyes that he wasn’t joking.
“Giving up isn’t always about losing, Heithor.”
“It is when you realize you were an idiot. That because of one fucking mistake, you may have lost the best thing that ever happened to you. It’s hard to breathe without you, Ella.”
My mouth contracted without humor.
“Stop spending your money on flowers.”
“I’m trying to be okay, Ella, but it’s an impossible mission…”
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” I cut in, refusing the twist in my heart.
“What?”
“Life.”
Thor looked at me without understanding.
I smiled lightly, then turned my eyes forward again.
For the first time, while the memories ran, I was happy, terribly melancholic, but truly happy and very grateful. One year.
“One year ago, I… well, I wasn’t at my best.” I gave a little laugh and breathed deeply.
“Today is the last day of the year, and I can’t help thinking about where I was on this same day…
” I gestured in the air, my throat tight, my voice measured and low.
“It isn’t something I can control or avoid.
And I don’t do it to martyr myself either.
On the contrary. I remember to reinforce my gratitude for today, for everything I’ve achieved, for what I have here that’s real…
Time works miracles, Heithor, but it doesn’t heal everything…
I’m grateful I don’t feel that sick distress anymore.
” I paused, looking sideways at him, desolate, my mask of indifference falling.
“Well, I can’t say the same about sadness.
I look at you… But you know, that isn’t the only reason I’m grateful.
It’s because I have my baby within reach, because I’m free to pick him up and know no one is going to take him from me.
Because I’m able to sleep a whole night without the nightmares reaching me or the pain eating me alive. ”
I turned to face him fully.