Chapter 16 #3
Heithor was hard, jaw clenched, eyes wet and furious, pain and remorse evident in the darkness, even though he didn’t look back at me.
I cast a glance over my shoulder, where the mansion lights sparkled with the glow of new eras, of good things on the way. I wanted those things for myself.
I slid my gaze back to Heithor and then forward.
“The funniest thing is that I can be grateful to those who hurt me too. I don’t know how that works or even if it should work. I just feel it.”
“What are you saying, Ella?”
I swallowed. “I think, in some way, maybe distorted and crazy, I don’t know, I have to thank you, Benjamin…” I stopped speaking, suddenly wounded.
Heithor gave me a dark look.
“You feel for him?”
I licked my lips, sincerity and saliva mixing.
“I don’t know… Ben was a friend…”
“Friends don’t do what he did, Ella,” Thor said in a biting tone. “Friends don’t stab you in the back. They don’t help fuck up your life for their own good.”
“But you do?”
“Are you defending him?”
“Ben didn’t sleep with me, Heithor. He didn’t fuck me and then love me as if I were an ancient treasure.
He didn’t hold me and look me in the eyes, making me feel like the most beautiful, incredible person in the world while saying he loved me, that he would protect me from everything and everyone.
Always. I trusted you for that… He didn’t share my dreams, didn’t make plans with me or beautiful promises.
And I definitely wasn’t expecting his child.
” I paused, feeling my eyes fill, but didn’t allow the tears to fall, breathing.
“Do you really think I’m defending Ben? No, Heithor.
It’s only strange to hear the pot calling the kettle black.
You were my man, my companion, my friend, my lover, the father of my son…
the man I shared everything with and dreamed of a future with.
You were the first one I truly gave myself to.
The only one I wanted. And at the first barrier, when I needed you most, you turned your back on me.
I’m not saying Ben wasn’t a huge son of a bitch.
He was more than that, but you went beyond. ”
“Would you forgive him?”
“Maybe… I don’t know, Heithor. What do you expect me to say?”
“Can you forgive me, Antonella?”
I faltered, no words in my mind or on my tongue. Simply nothing.
Heithor laughed, irritated, soon furious.
“You can have doubts for him, but not for me… And that isn’t even the point, is it?”
I stiffened, straightening my spine, and looked at him firmly, without emotion.
“Your vows don’t make me smile anymore, Heithor. They don’t make my heart beat faster, swollen with love. They don’t give me hope. They give me hatred.”
“My God, Ella, I’m trying, but this is killing me.”
“Try harder.”
“How long are you going to chew on this, Ella? Is this how you’ll live?”
“You wanted my forgiveness.” I paused. “I forgive you.”
He grabbed my arm, panic in his expression.
“I’m not that man anymore, Ella.”
I pulled my arm away, the movement slow, looking in his eyes.
“I’m not that girl anymore either, Heithor,” I whispered, my voice choked. “So don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t the one who chose to give up on us.”
“I didn’t choose anything,” he growled, eyes wet with tears.
“I ruined things. I was an idiot. I made a mistake, and I know I’ll pay dearly for it until my last breath.
I am nothing without you. Use me if that will somehow help you vent your anger.
I’ll do anything, baby. Please don’t give up on me, on us. ”
“There is no going back. There is no way to forget what you did. Your actions can’t be undone. Nothing you say or do will make it better or worse. Actually, this is what being in hell is.”
The sound of glass breaking drew my attention to his injured hand.
I focused on the blood flowing from the wound.
And in that exact moment, on some level, we were connected to an old memory.
Looking into his eyes was like looking at a screen replaying that afternoon in Malibu, the words sliding harsh and inflexible.
I won’t forgive you even if you bleed at my feet.
Thor wasn’t on his knees, but he was bleeding. Literally.
There was some cruel satisfaction in that.
Neither of us was saying anything or moving to help. He didn’t seem to feel it. We were so trapped that time could have stopped…
… then I moved.
I took a long sip from my glass, fixing my gaze ahead for a moment before looking back at him. I sighed audibly, a dense breath, and smiled without teeth.
I turned, ready to walk away, then paused.
“Happy New Year, Heithor,” I whispered, and walked back to the mansion, leaving him behind, bleeding, with the fireworks coloring the sky for the new year.
It was triumphant.
It was intense.
It was funereal.
I was avenged, victorious. I won’t deny it.
This victory, however, tasted like the bitterness of defeat.
Not all victories are gains.
Not all defeats are losses.
I won, but with every step away, a piece of me stayed behind. The shards of my broken heart leaving a trail of destruction in my path.
Again. Again. Again.