Chapter 48
Beth woke slowly, warm beneath her quilt, with sunlight slipping through the narrow gap in the curtains. For several seconds, she stayed exactly where she was.
Then she remembered. Kayla was married. Her little girl had walked down the aisle yesterday and promised to spend the rest of her life with Tyler.
A smile spread across Beth’s face.
She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
The house was unusually quiet after the whirlwind of the previous few days.
No phone ringing. No last-minute questions about flowers or seating arrangements.
No Kayla calling from another room because she’d misplaced something she’d been holding five minutes earlier.
It was done. And it had been wonderful.
Beth reached for her phone. A message from Kayla waited for her.
Morning, Mom. We’re about to leave. Yesterday was perfect. Love you so much.
Beneath the message was a photograph Tyler had taken during the reception. Beth touched the screen to enlarge it. She was standing beside Kayla with their arms around each other, laughing at something. Beth couldn’t remember what had been funny, but happiness shone from Kayla’s face.
Her gaze moved beyond her daughter. Dave stood several feet behind them. He wasn’t looking at the camera. He was looking at Beth.
Something warm settled inside her chest. Last night had been special.
Sharing Kayla’s wedding with Dave had felt more significant than Beth had expected.
There were moments when she’d looked across the room and found him already watching her, moments when his hand had held hers as they moved through the restaurant.
Later, when the celebrations had ended and everyone had gone home, she had lain awake remembering the way he’d held her beside the lake.
Her phone rang. Beth smiled when she saw the name on the screen. “Rosalind. You’re awake early.”
“So are you,” Jessie’s younger sister replied.
“Only just.”
“I was wondering if I could come over before Peter and I leave. We’ve got some things to drop off.”
“Of course.”
“We’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
Beth ended the call and pushed back the quilt.
Twenty-five minutes later, she opened the front door. Rosalind was carrying a garment bag while Peter had a box filled with leftover wedding decorations.
“Please tell me none of that belongs to me,” Beth said.
Peter grinned. “Apparently it does.”
Beth groaned and stepped aside. “Put it anywhere.”
After Peter carried everything inside, he glanced at Rosalind. “I’ll go to the gas station. I won’t be long.” He kissed his wife’s cheek before heading outside.
Beth smiled. “Coffee?”
Rosalind nodded. “I’d love one.”
They went into the kitchen. While Beth made two cups, Rosalind wandered to the refrigerator and studied the photographs held there by magnets.
“There are so many pictures of Jessie on here.”
Beth glanced over her shoulder. “There always have been.”
“I haven’t been here for a while. I thought you might have put them away.”
Beth carried their drinks to the table. “Jessie will always be an important part of my life. Yesterday must have been hard for you.”
Rosalind sat opposite her. “Parts of it were.”
“For me, too.”
Rosalind lifted one of the mugs to her mouth. “I kept thinking about what Jessie would have said if he’d seen Kayla.”
Beth smiled faintly. “He would have told everyone he wasn’t going to cry.”
Rosalind smiled. “And then he would have cried.”
Rosalind laughed and Beth did, too.
For a few minutes, they remembered him together. His terrible jokes. His habit of leaving cupboard doors open. The way he used to sing loudly in the car despite being completely unable to carry a tune.
It felt good.
There had been a time when talking about Jessie left Beth exhausted. Now the memories could make her smile as often as they made her sad.
Rosalind wrapped her hands around her mug. “You seemed happy yesterday.”
“I was. It was a perfect day.”
“I don’t only mean because of Kayla.”
Beth looked at her sister-in-law.
Rosalind raised her eyebrows.
“Oh,” Beth said. “You mean Dave.”
Rosalind nodded. “He seems lovely.”
“He is.”
“And he obviously adores you.”
Heat crept into Beth’s cheeks. She picked up her coffee. “We’re taking things slowly.”
“Why?”
Beth gave her a pointed look.
“Okay.” Rosalind held up one hand. “None of my business, but I am happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
Rosalind’s smile faded slightly. She looked toward the photographs on the refrigerator again. “It’s strange, though.”
Beth lowered her mug. “What is?”
“Seeing you with someone who isn’t Jessie.”
The words caught Beth unexpectedly.
Rosalind must have noticed because she quickly added, “Not bad strange. Just different.” She hesitated before continuing. “I was talking to Peter about it last night.” She rubbed one thumb along the handle of her mug. “I told him I don’t think I could ever do it.”
Beth frowned. “Do what?”
“Love someone else.”
Beth’s fingers tightened around her cup.
Rosalind continued, her voice softer now. “If Peter died, I couldn’t imagine meeting another man and falling in love with him. Not after everything we’ve shared.”
A cold sensation slid through Beth’s stomach.
Rosalind shook her head. “I’d always feel as though I was betraying him somehow.”
Beth stared at her.
For a heartbeat, Rosalind seemed to realize what she’d said. “Oh, Beth. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s all right,” Beth assured her, even though it had hurt.
“No, that came out terribly.”
Beth forced a smile. “You were talking about yourself.”
“I was. Honestly.” Rosalind reached across the table and touched her hand. “Everyone is different. And Jessie’s been gone a long time.”
Beth flinched inwardly. As though time made a difference. As though years could somehow reduce what Jessie had meant to her.
Rosalind squeezed her fingers. “You deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you.”
A car door slammed outside, and Rosalind glanced toward the window. “Peter must be back.”
Beth stood with her and carried their mugs to the sink.
At the front door, Rosalind hugged her tightly. “Yesterday was beautiful.”
“It was.”
“And I’m sorry about what I said.”
Beth felt sick. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” Rosalind would never know how hard it had been for Beth to say those words.
Rosalind pulled back. “Give me a call soon.”
“I will.” Peter and Rosalind’s car disappeared along the road. When she couldn’t see it any longer, Beth closed the door.
The house fell silent.
She remained in the hallway, one hand resting on the doorknob.
I couldn’t imagine meeting another man and falling in love with him.
Beth swallowed. She walked into the kitchen and began rinsing the coffee cups. There was no reason Rosalind’s words should bother her. None.
She put one of the mugs in the dishwasher.
I’d always feel as though I was betraying him somehow.
Beth stopped. Water ran over her fingers. She reached for the faucet and turned it off.
“Don’t even think it,” she whispered. But the thought had already taken hold.
What did it say about her that she could love someone else? Beth gripped the edge of the sink.
She had never stopped loving Jessie. Not once. Their marriage hadn’t failed. They hadn’t grown apart or chosen different futures.
He had died.
That was the only reason their life together had ended.
Her eyes stung. She looked at the photographs on the refrigerator. Jessie holding a six-year-old Kayla on his shoulders. Jessie standing beside Beth at Christmas. The three of them at the lake.
A family. Her family.
Beth touched the edge of one photograph. “I’m sorry.”
The words escaped before she could stop them. Her throat tightened. What was she apologizing for?
For Dave? For being happy? For discovering that she could still want someone beside her?
Beth pressed a hand against her chest. Yesterday she’d stood with Dave at Kayla’s wedding and imagined other days with him. Breakfast together. Dinner at his house. Sitting beside him on cold winter evenings.
Growing older with him.
She’d allowed herself to picture all of it. And she’d loved what she’d seen.
That realization frightened her more than anything Rosalind had said. Because perhaps she wasn’t simply falling in love with Dave. Perhaps she already had.
Beth sank onto a kitchen chair. Tears spilled onto her cheeks. How could she love Dave when part of her still belonged so completely to Jessie?
And how could she ask Dave to accept that? He deserved someone who could give him everything. Not a woman who might spend the rest of their lives comparing anniversaries, remembering another man’s touch, wondering what Jessie would have thought whenever something important happened.
Her phone chimed on the counter. Beth wiped her face and picked it up.
Dave.
Morning, beautiful. How are you feeling after yesterday?
Her breath caught. Normally, those two words would have made her ridiculously happy. This morning, they hurt.
She typed a response.
Deleted it.
Tried again.
Tired. I think I’m going to have a quiet day at home.
His answer arrived quickly. Probably a good idea. I was going to come over later, but I’ll leave you to rest. Call me if you change your mind.
Beth stared at the message. She wanted him to come. That was the worst part.
She wanted to hear his truck pull into the driveway and hear him open her front door. Beth wanted his arms around her and his voice telling her she’d turned Rosalind’s careless comment into something it had never been intended to mean.
But Dave couldn’t answer the question that mattered. Only Beth could.
And she didn’t know the answer.
Her thumb hovered over his name. She could call him. Instead, she placed the phone face down on the table.
Maybe she’d mistaken loneliness for love. Maybe Dave had arrived when she was finally ready to have someone beside her again, and she’d confused companionship with something deeper.
Except her heart knew better. Her excuses hurt almost as much as the truth.
Beth covered her face with both hands. She loved Dave. And for the first time, instead of filling her with hope, the knowledge terrified her. Because loving him meant risking something she’d never believed could be threatened.
Her life with Jessie and his place in her heart and everything they’d been.
Beth lifted her head and looked at their family photographs. Then she looked at the phone lying silently on the table.
Her past was on one side, her future on the other.
And suddenly, choosing one felt horribly like betraying the other.