Chapter 49
By four o’clock, Beth had cleaned a house that didn’t need cleaning.
She’d stripped Kayla’s bed, washed the sheets, and put them back on. The dishwasher was empty, and the leftover wedding decorations Peter had brought over were packed into two boxes in the spare bedroom.
She’d even wiped out the refrigerator. None of it had helped. Every time she stopped moving, she thought about Rosalind.
And Dave.
Mostly Dave.
Beth stood at the kitchen counter, staring at her phone. She’d picked it up at least a dozen times since Rosalind left. Twice she’d started typing a message to Dave, only to delete it.
Now she opened the last message he’d sent her.
Call me if you change your mind.
Beth swallowed. She wanted to change her mind.
That was the problem. If she listened to what she wanted, Dave would be here now.
He’d take one look at her and know something was wrong.
Then he’d pull her into his arms and somehow, simply because he was Dave, the terrible weight inside her would become easier to carry.
She closed her eyes. She couldn’t use him to make this hurt less when he was part of what she was frightened of.
Before she could lose her nerve, Beth picked up the phone and called him.
He answered on the second ring. “Hi.”
The warmth in his voice almost undid her. Beth gripped the edge of the counter. “Hi. Are you busy?”
“No.” There was a pause before his voice changed. “What’s wrong?”
Of course he’d heard it. She turned toward the window. “Could you come over? I need to talk to you.”
This time, the silence lasted longer.
Beth closed her eyes.
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” Dave said quietly.
“Okay. Thank you.” She ended the call and put her phone on the counter.
Beth went into the living room and sat on the sofa, but less than a minute later, she was on her feet again. She crossed to the window and looked outside.
The afternoon was beautiful. Sunshine stretched across the lawn, and the leaves on the maple tree beside the driveway moved gently in the breeze. After weeks of preparing for the wedding, Beth had imagined today differently.
She’d thought she might spend it looking through photographs, going for a walk, maybe seeing Dave. She hadn’t imagined wondering whether she had the right to love him.
When his truck pulled into the driveway, Beth’s stomach tightened.
Dave climbed out wearing jeans and the navy shirt she’d seen him wear dozens of times.
There was nothing remarkable about either, and yet she noticed everything about him—the way he closed the truck door, the slight hesitation before he started toward the house, and the concern already visible on his face when he saw her at the window.
Beth stepped away. A few seconds later, he knocked and she opened the door.
Dave took one look at her and frowned. “You’ve been crying.”
There was no point denying it. “A little.”
His expression softened. “Beth.”
He reached toward her and she stepped back. Dave’s hand dropped to his side, and Beth hated the hurt that flickered across his face.
“Come inside, Dave.”
He followed her into the living room.
Beth sat at one end of the sofa and folded her hands tightly in her lap. For a moment, Dave remained standing. Usually, he would have sat beside her. Today, after studying her face, he lowered himself into the armchair opposite.
The distance between them felt enormous.
Dave leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. “Tell me what happened.”
Beth stared at her hands. She’d practiced this conversation while she waited for him. She’d found sensible words. Careful words. None of them were there anymore. “Rosalind came over this morning.”
Dave waited.
“She brought some things we’d left at the restaurant after the wedding.” Beth rubbed her thumb across her palm. “We had coffee. We talked.”
“About what?”
“Jessie.”
Something changed in Dave’s expression, but he didn’t interrupt.
Beth took a shaky breath. “She said something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.”
“What did she say?”
Beth took a deep breath. “That she couldn’t imagine loving anyone after Peter. She said if something happened to him, she’d feel as though loving someone else was betraying him.”
Dave was silent.
“She wasn’t talking about me,” Beth added quickly. “She wasn’t judging me. She didn’t even realize what she was saying until she saw how upset I was.”
“But she did upset you.”
Beth looked at him. “Yes.”
“Because of Jessie?”
Her throat tightened. “Because of you.”
Pain flashed across Dave’s face.
Beth shook her head. “I don’t mean that the way it sounded.”
“Then tell me what you mean.”
She looked toward the window. “Yesterday was one of the happiest days I’ve had in years. Kayla was married. She looked beautiful. Everyone I love was there.” Beth hesitated, then made herself meet his eyes. “And you were there.”
Dave didn’t move.
“I kept looking for you,” she admitted. “All day. Every time something happened, I wanted to know where you were. I wanted to see your face. I wanted to share it with you.”
“Beth—”
“Please let me finish.”
Dave pressed his lips together and nodded.
She drew in a slow breath. “Last night, after I came home, I lay in bed thinking about the wedding. And then I started thinking about you. About us.” Her voice caught. “For the first time, I let myself imagine what our lives might look like a year from now. Five years from now.”
Dave’s gaze stayed fixed on her.
“I imagined having dinner together and spending Christmas with Kayla, Tyler, and Mark. Waking up beside you.” A tear slipped down Beth’s cheek, and she brushed it away. “I imagined growing old with you.”
Dave drew a slow breath.
“And I wanted it.” The admission broke something open inside her. Beth pressed her fingertips against her lips, trying to steady herself. “I wanted all of it so much.”
Dave pushed himself out of the chair.
She immediately shook her head. “Don’t.”
He stopped.
Beth’s voice cracked. “If you touch me, I don’t think I’ll be able to say this.”
For several seconds, Dave simply stood there. Then he sat down again.
Beth wiped another tear from her cheek. “This morning, after Rosalind left, I looked at photographs of Jessie. I remembered our marriage. The plans we made. Everything we thought we’d still be doing now.” Her chest ached. “I still love him, Dave.”
Dave nodded. “I know.”
The quiet certainty of his answer startled her.
He held her gaze. “Of course you still love him.”
“But how can I love you, too?” The question escaped before she could stop it.
Dave went completely still.
Beth closed her eyes. There it was—the truth she’d spent all day trying not to face. When she looked at him again, Dave was watching her.
“You love me?”
Beth swallowed.
There was no point denying it now. “Yes.”
For one heartbeat, happiness crossed his face. Then he seemed to remember why she’d asked him to come over, and it disappeared.
Beth looked down. “That’s why I can’t see you anymore.”
Dave didn’t respond.
She forced herself to look at him. His face had gone very still. “I need some time.”
“How much time, Beth?”
“I don’t know.”
“A week? A month?”
“I don’t know.”
Dave rose and walked toward the fireplace. He rested one hand on the mantel before turning back to her. “Then take whatever time you need.”
Beth shook her head. “You don’t understand.”
“I think I do.”
“No.” She stood, unable to remain seated. “You think I’ll work through this and then everything will go back to the way it was.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you’re hoping it will.”
Dave’s jaw tightened.
Beth wrapped her arms around herself. “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for another relationship.”
His expression changed, and she saw how much those words hurt him.
For one awful moment, she wanted to take everything back. Instead, Beth made herself continue. “I might never be able to give you what you deserve.”
“Don’t do that.”
She frowned. “Do what?”
“Decide what I deserve.”
His voice wasn’t angry, but there was enough force behind the words to silence her.
Dave took a step toward her, then stopped. “I loved Carol. I still love her.”
Beth stared at him.
Dave slipped his hands into his pockets. “I remember how she took her coffee. Songs come on the radio and I can hear her singing beside me.” A faint smile touched his face. “Badly, most of the time.”
Despite everything, a tiny laugh caught in Beth’s throat.
Dave’s smile faded.
“Sometimes Mark says something and, for half a second, I think I need to tell Carol. Then I remember I can’t.”
Beth’s eyes filled with tears.
“She’s still part of my life,” Dave continued. “She always will be. Nothing changes that.” He took another small step toward Beth. “And nothing will change what Jessie meant to you.”
Beth shook her head. “It doesn’t feel that simple.”
“I know.”
“You can’t know what this feels like, Dave.”
He held her gaze for a long moment. “Beth, I think I’m one of the few people who can.”
The gentleness in his voice was worse than anger would have been. Beth covered her face. She heard Dave move, and for one hopeful, terrible second, she thought he might come to her.
He didn’t. Even now, he was respecting what she’d asked for.
Beth slowly lowered her hands. “I need to figure this out without you.”
Something in Dave’s face changed. This time, she saw the full weight of what she was asking of him. Not anger or resentment.
Pain.
Dave looked down for a moment before nodding. “All right.”
The quiet acceptance in those two words nearly broke her heart. “I’m sorry, Dave.”
“So am I.”
Beth pressed her lips together. “I wish I could be different.”
“I don’t.”
She frowned.
Dave’s eyes met hers. “I don’t want a different woman.”
Her breath caught.
He looked away, dragging one hand across the back of his neck. “But I’m not going to pressure you into something you’re not ready for.”
“What if I’m never ready?”
Dave went still. For several seconds, neither of them spoke. Finally, he looked at her. “Then I’ll have to live with that.”
Beth blinked away fresh tears.
“But I’m not going to pretend I don’t care about you,” he continued. “And I’m not going to tell you that what we’ve had these last few months didn’t matter. Because it did.”
“It mattered to me, too,” Beth whispered.
“I know.”
Dave picked up his keys from the small table beside the sofa. The quiet jingle seemed unnaturally loud. He walked toward the hallway, and Beth followed.
At the front door, Dave stopped.
Neither of them moved.
Beth’s heart pounded as she looked at him. For one terrible second, she thought he might kiss her goodbye. And part of her desperately wanted him to.
Instead, Dave reached for the door handle. “Take the time you need, Beth. And when you figure out what you want, tell me.”
Beth’s fingers curled against her palms. “What if it’s not you?”
Dave’s hand tightened around the door handle. The pain returned to his eyes, but he didn’t look away. “Then tell me that, too.”
He opened the door.
Beth couldn’t let him leave like this. “Dave.”
He turned.
“I do love you.”
For several seconds, he simply looked at her. Then he nodded. “I love you, too.”
Beth stopped breathing. She’d imagined hearing those words from him, but not like this. Not when she was sending him away.
Dave gave her the smallest, saddest smile. “And that’s why I’m leaving.” He stepped outside.
Beth remained in the doorway as he walked toward his truck. Every instinct told her to call him back, and for one agonizing second, she almost did.
Dave opened the driver’s door and glanced toward her.
Beth couldn’t move.
A moment later, he climbed inside.
The engine started, and she watched his truck disappear down the road before she slowly closed the door.
The house felt different without Dave in it. Beth rested her forehead against the wood and shut her eyes. Yesterday, she’d believed the hardest part was discovering she could love someone after Jessie.
She’d been wrong.
Loving Dave wasn’t what terrified her.
It was knowing she loved him and was still too afraid to choose a life with him.