CHAPTER 2 FINN THOMPSON
FINN THOMPSON
Never in my life did I think I’d end up in rehab.
Never in my life did I think I’d contribute to my sister almost dying.
Never in my life did I think I’d hit rock bottom.
But I did all three, and somehow, I’ve come out the other end.
I’ve still got a lot to work on, and I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but without going to rehab, I think I might have actually drunk myself to death. A part of me believes I deserve it, but I’ve soon realised that the guilt I’ve been drowning in contributed to my depression.
I had no idea I was even depressed because I was in denial. I hid how I felt with laughter, jokes, and getting so shitfaced I couldn’t remember a thing, and when I felt hungover and anxious, I’d blame it on the alcohol.
All I was doing was destroying myself, and I wanted to. I wanted to hurt myself. But now, I need to focus on my health and never allow myself to fall back in that dark pit again.
When I arrive outside the university house I share with my three friends, JJ, Silas, and Ronan, I sit in my car for a while and take a breather.
My parents tried to convince me to take a year off university and have more time to recover, but I knew if I came back next year, I’d be without my friends, and I need their support.
JJ might be in a relationship with my sister, and the thought of another of my friends dating her hurts, but I love the guy with everything in me. I trust him because I know he’s a good friend, a better friend than I’ll ever be.
And I want Ivy to be happy. So I have to let the past go.
When I finally pluck up the courage to step out of my car, I walk to the front door and press my key into the lock.
“Hey,” I call out and dump my bag by the door.
A figure steps out into the hall, and I stare up at JJ as he grins back at me. “Hey, man,” he says before drawing me into a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
I chuckle and slap his back. “I saw you like a week ago.”
“I know, but it feels like a lifetime since then.”
We pull away and walk into the living room, where JJ flicks on the kettle.
“How have you been?” he asks before folding his tattooed arms over his chest.
I nod. “I’ve been okay.”
JJ quirks a brow as if he can read straight through me. “Come on, tell me how you’re really feeling.”
My ass hits the sofa as I lean back and sigh. “I have been okay,” I confess. “But I’ve been a little worried about coming back.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want everyone knowing I just got out of rehab, and I don’t want to be surrounded by alcohol and parties. I don’t want to be tempted. I don’t want to relapse—that’s what I’m most terrified of.”
JJ’s eyes flash me a look of concern. “I’m here for you, alright? I’m going to do everything I can to support you and keep you in check. Are you still doing therapy?”
“Yeah, it’s online, but they suggested that I also contact the university welfare team and try to get some in-person too. They also recommended that I try AA meetings.”
“Will you?”
“Yeah, I think I should.”
When the kettle is boiled, JJ makes us both a cup of tea before sitting down beside me. “You might find this year tough, but I know you can do it. You’re stronger than you think, and if you ever feel like you’re struggling, you can always talk to me.”
My heart tenses as I stare back at him. “Thanks, JJ.”
“It’s what friends are for, right?”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes as I blow on my tea before taking a sip.
“Anything else worrying you about being back?” JJ asks.
I close my eyes because I know what he’s referring to, and it’s the last thing I want to talk about. It hurts too much because I fucked up—I fucked up so badly that I can’t even justify trying to fix it.
“Talk to me.” JJ nudges his knee into mine. “I know something happened between you and Maya, but you won’t talk to me.”
I place my mug down on the coffee table and stretch my hands behind my head, trying to ignore the gaping hole burning through my chest. “What do you want me to say? It fucking hurts, JJ.”
“What happened?”
My lips part, but nothing comes out.
One day, I was blackout drunk, and the next, she said we were done and that she never wanted to see me again. She wouldn’t even look at me after that and ignored me to the point I thought I was actually invisible.
What destroys me the most is that I can’t even remember why she broke things off with me. I want to know what I did, but I’m also fearful of hearing the truth, especially knowing how reckless I could be.
Maya didn’t deserve that side of me. She was my sunshine in a time when all I saw was darkness. Without that girl, I doubt I’d even be where I am today, and I fucked it all up.
The memory of her tear-stained cheeks and the way she looked at me as if she didn’t even recognise me, lingers. It gutted me, but I’m the only one responsible here.
I inhale deeply. “I messed it up. I pushed her over the edge. She saw who I truly am, and it’s the way it was always meant to be.”
JJ’s forehead creases. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m not good for her, JJ.” I turn my attention to him, eyes burning with agony. “I’m never going to be good enough for her. She can do so much better than me; she deserves more than me.”
“No,” he states loudly. “You are doing better, and you deserve to be happy, too, Finn. I know how much you care about her.”
My chest tightens, and I glance away. “I care enough to let her go. I’ll only drag her down, and I don’t want that. We need to move on from each other, or I’ll only end up hurting her again.”
I can’t destroy her, too. I would never live with myself.
“Finn,” JJ sighs, but I don’t want to hear it anymore.
“Please,” I heave. “I don’t want to talk about this. Just stop.”
JJ pauses for a moment. “Alright. But talk about it with your therapist at least; it’s not good to keep these things bottled up. God, you and Ivy are more alike than I realise.”
“We are twins after all.”
“Are you going to tell Silas and Ronan?”
I press my fingers into my eyes as an ache starts to build behind them.
“I have to, but I don’t want anyone else knowing.
We keep it between us, and I keep my head down this year, get my grades up, and maybe get back into football.
No parties, no socials, no going to the pub.
None of it. I want a clean slate this year. ”
JJ rests his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “I’m so proud of you, brother. I hope you know that.”
His words make me flinch because I’m still working on believing them. To think that anyone is proud of me after the mess I’ve made of my life. It seems stupid.
“I’m learning to accept it,” I admit.
A second later, the door to the house swings open, and a loud entrance is made.
“Anyone home?” I hear Silas shout.
JJ glances at me, and I suck in a breath. “In here,” he calls back.
Silas and Ronan appear in the living room with bright smiles and bags in their hands. “Hey, guys.” Ronan grins, dropping his bag to the floor to run a hand through his auburn hair. “Long time no see.”
I stand up to give him a hug before turning to Silas, who embraces me tightly.
“Good to be home.” Silas pats the wall. “How have you guys been? How was your summer?”
JJ nods. “It was fun, I spent it over at Finn’s house.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.” JJ chuckles. “We had a good time.”
Silas glances at me. “Woodford didn’t drive you crazy then?”
“Not quite,” I say lightly.
“Wanna head down to the pub and have a proper catch-up?” Ronan suggests, and I immediately feel my throat close up.
JJ remains silent but keeps his eyes on me and raises his head subtly, encouraging me to tell them.
“I don’t want to go to the pub,” I blurt after a moment of silence.
Silas frowns. “Why not? You love going.”
I brace myself to blurt out the truth, but it’s now or never.
“My drinking habits were out of control,” I say as I rub my sweaty hands down my trousers. “And this summer proved it. I was drinking before going to work, getting into fights, getting dangerously black-out drunk to the point I ended up in the hospital.”
Ronan’s mouth opens in shock, and I grip my shaky hands together. “Fuck, Finn. I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“It’s been bad for a while,” I admit. “And I was choosing to ignore it.”
“Are you alright now?” Silas asks.
I pause for a moment. I am better, but I’ve still got a long journey ahead of me, and this is just the beginning. “I’m doing better because I went to rehab for a month over the summer.”
“Rehab?” Ronan repeats in shock.
“Yeah.” I internally wince, realising it’s a lot harder to voice than first anticipated, but this is something I’m learning to deal with.
Acceptance. “And it’s put a lot of things into perspective for me.
I wasn’t coping, and now drinking is completely off limits.
I don’t want to end up in a ditch or dying in hospital.
And I’d really appreciate it if you guys could support me with my sobriety. ”
Ronan and Silas share a glance before nodding. “Of course, man. Fuck. I had no idea, I would never have said anything if I knew.” Ronan drags a hand down the back of his head.
“I know,” I say. “I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone. I’d like to keep it between us four, no one else.”
“Yeah, of course,” Silas says with sincerity. “We’re gonna be here for you, Finn. I want to see you healthy.”
The corner of my lip quirks because I never thought I’d see the day. “Me too.”
“Come here, man.” Ronan tugs me into a hug, which Silas soon joins, then JJ.
“It might be our final year, but we can still have a great time,” JJ adds.
“Definitely,” Silas responds. “Last year living together, let’s make it a memorable one.”
And a memorable one it’ll be because I vow to stay sober and remember every second.