FINN THOMPSON
Ican’t get the image of Skye out of my head, and I don’t want to. The way she stared up at me with those big eyes that were practically glittering in the light, the exact same as Maya’s. My beautiful brown-eyed girls.
I shake as I sit at the desk in my room, having texted my parents and sister that I need to video call them. The influx of messages after was pure panic, but I told them not to worry, and it’s safe to say they don’t believe me.
The three boxes pop up on the screen when I accept the joint call. My chest heaves as I see them all.
“What’s going on, Finn?” my mother asks, her voice filled with dread.
“I’m okay,” I say with a swallow.
“You’ve been struggling, son?”
“Still sober, Dad.”
“Well, that’s good. We’re proud of you.” He offers a relieved smile.
My hand clutches my phone. “So, I need to tell you guys something.” I flick my eyes to my sister, who frowns at the screen.
“Spit it out, Finn,” Ivy says, growing impatient. “You’re scaring me.”
I close my eyes and calm my breathing for a moment. “Okay…” I sigh and lean back in my chair. “I’m—” I curse to myself. “I’m a father.”
The call goes deathly silent, and my pulse pounds in my throat.
“You’re what?” I hear my mother’s voice.
“I’m a father to a twelve-week-old girl named Skye.”
Ivy’s mouth falls open, and my mother claps a hand over her lips.
“Wh—” My father’s voice pauses. “What do you mean?”
I drag a hand down my face. “I didn’t tell you guys at the time, but in my second year of university, I met a girl called Maya.
She’s great, and beautiful, and totally out of my league.
But she fought for me, even in my darkest moments.
And then she told me she was pregnant earlier this year, but I was too drunk to remember the conversation, and I said some nasty things that I didn’t mean. I only just found out.”
“Oh, Finn.” Ivy’s eyes begin to wobble.
“So, she had the baby over the summer,” I say as my voice grows hoarse. “And I didn’t know. I had no idea until I went to her house a few weeks ago. She’s going to let me see her more often, but only if I remain sober and prove it.”
My mother begins to sob. “Oh my god.”
“I-I thought you guys should know,” I say as I lower my gaze.
“Are you happy?” Ivy asks.
My chest warms, and I nod without hesitation. “Yes, but also terrified. I didn’t even know how to hold a baby, and she’s so beautiful. She’s so tiny and perfect, and I want to be there for her. I don’t want her to grow up without a father, and I want the best. The best for both of them.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, and I curse myself for getting emotional when I said I wouldn’t, but it’s inevitable. My entire life has turned upside down, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it.
“Oh, baby,” my mum coos. “I wish I was there to give you a hug and support you.”
“I’ve got JJ and the guys.” I wipe my face and clutch my arms over my chest. “I’m doing okay, just need to stay on top of everything, you know?”
My dad clears his throat. “What about your studies?”
“I’ve gone to every lecture and class since the year began,” I state. “And I will continue to do so, but it’s a priority to me to support Maya, see Skye, and do as much as I can for them. I’ve got a lot to make up for, and I refuse to see her suffer. I should have been there, and I wasn’t.”
“Finn,” he says, and I grind my teeth at the apprehensive tone of his voice. “I totally get that this must have been a complete shock, but you need to be focusing on yourself, your health, your studies, too.”
My mouth falls open. “Are you kidding me right now? That baby is my daughter. And if you think I’m going to be absent so I can focus on my studies more than her, then you are sorely mistaken. I can do both, and I will do both, and I’ll prove to you that I can graduate and be a good father.”
I watch as he purses his lips. “We’re just worried about you, Finn. That’s all, alright? You’ve had a chaotic year, and I don’t want to see you going over the edge again when things start to get tough. This isn’t a small change, it’s a huge one.”
“They are my reason to stay sober.” I lean forward. “I had motivation before from myself, but this is the extra kick I needed. If I don’t stay sober, I don’t get to see my little girl. And if I ruin my relationship with Maya, I’ll lose her, too, and I don’t want to lose either of them.”
My lips tremble as I take a large breath.
“We’re always here.” My dad’s voice calms. “If you need anything at all.”
I lower my head. “I know, Dad. Thanks.”
“Sorry, this is such a shock,” my mum murmurs as she wipes her tears away. “I can’t believe it. We’re grandparents. You’re a father, Finn. Oh my god.”
My fingers slide through the back of my hair. “Yeah…it’s going to take some time to get used to.”
“When can we meet her?” she gushes.
“Give it some time, Mum. I’m still trying to build my relationship back up with Maya, and I don’t want to scare her. As soon as I feel it’s right, I’ll ask if you guys can meet her.”
“What’s going on with you and Maya?” Ivy asks curiously.
I shrug. “I-I don’t really know. We’re not together, and I completely ruined her trust. It’s probably the last thing on her mind now we have Skye. I need to build up our relationship again. I’m going to take it one day at a time and go from there.”
“And how are you?” she asks.
My chest zaps like lightning. “I’m doing okay. I’m gonna go to a meeting later, and I’ve got a therapy session in the morning.”
“We’re so proud of you, Finn.” My mum sniffles. “You know that, right?”
I nod once, even though I don’t feel like I deserve their pride. I’m the one who put myself in the situation to drink myself stupid in the first place, and now I’m getting my life back on track, they’re proud of me? It fucks with my head.
“I love you very much,” she says again. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I love you too,” I whisper.
When my parents click off the call, Ivy stays on the line. We’re both silent for a long moment, and if anything, I’m grateful for the company. I understand my father’s worries, but it’s my life, and I’ll do whatever I think is best.
And Maya and Skye come first, above everything else.
“You okay?” Ivy says after a minute or so.
“Trying to be.”
“Skye,” she whispers. “Such a pretty name.”
My eyes strain at the screen. “Yeah, really pretty.”
“When are you seeing them next?”
I sigh. “I don’t know. Maya said we can work something out. She’s meant to be starting university again in January, and I said I want to step up and be there for Skye when she can’t be. She needs to finish her degree, and I refuse to let her throw it all away because she thinks she’s alone.”
“You’re doing good, Finn,” she says softly. “And I know you won’t agree, but I know it’s true. You’re a different person, and we can all see it.”
“It’s hard not to punish myself,” I confess.
“And I get that.” She props her head on her fist. “But there comes a time when you need to let that all go and move on. You have a family now, and you can’t let things drag you down.
You said earlier they’re a priority, and they should be, but you should also be a priority to yourself.
They need you to be the best version you can be, and I have no doubt in my mind you can be that person. ”
I wipe my sweaty palms down my tracksuit bottoms. “Thanks, Ivy. I really appreciate you.”
“Always here. Like Mum and Dad. Don’t let yourself suffer alone if you’re struggling.” She smiles. “And I’ll be coming up to see you soon.”
My brows raise in surprise. “You are?”
“Yeah, when I come up to see JJ in a couple of weeks.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” I say wholeheartedly.
“I can’t wait to see you, too. Anyway, I’ve got to go. Thanks for telling us about Skye. Congratulations, Finn. You’re a dad.” She claps her hands together enthusiastically. “And I’m now an aunty. Ahh.”
A small laugh passes my lips at her excitement. “Yeah, it’s all a bit of a shock.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye, Ivy.”
“Would anyone else like to speak?” Garreth, our AA meeting leader, says.
I stare around at the circle of chairs and suck in a breath. My hand slowly begins to rise, and eyes filter towards me before I stand up.
“Hi, my name is Finn, and I’ve been sober for eighty days.”
Garreth smiles and nods with encouragement.
“I’ve also found out recently that I’ve become a father.
She’s almost three months old, and I got to hold her for the first time today,” I say slowly.
“And now the only thing I want is to make sure I stay healthy and present for her life. I don’t want her to see me in the state I used to be, and I refuse to ruin that relationship before it’s even started. ”
The faces of people around me listen respectfully in silence.
“I want to be the best version of myself. It’s something my sister said to me. I missed out on a lot when I was drunk, and I don’t want to miss a second of this. So…yeah.”
Garreth claps, and the rest of the group falls in behind him. “Thank you, Finn.”
When I sit down, I clasp my shaky hands together.
“Does anyone else want to speak to the group?”
A woman who looks like she’s in her mid-forties stands, and the nerves on her face are instant. “Hi, I’m Betsy, and I’ve been sober for almost six months. Like Finn, I am also a parent, but they saw me through the depths of my alcoholism, and I destroyed that bond I have with my two kids.”
My heart strains as I listen to the pain in her voice.
“I’m working on putting things right because they deserve better,” she whimpers, her throat clenching with each word.
“And I don’t want to put them through any more pain.
I want to be the mother I’ve always wanted to be.
I don’t want them finding me unconscious, almost drowning in my own vomit.
I don’t want them asking where I got my bruises from when I ended up in a fight at the pub. ”
Betsy wipes her eyes before her tears fall. “I wish I had listened to the people around me at the time. I wish I could go back and change everything, but I can’t. I can only change the future.”
Her words hit me square in the chest because what she’s expressing is exactly where I don’t want to end up. I don’t want Skye to hate me, I don’t want Maya to hate me, I don’t want them to look at me and see a sorry excuse of a father. I want to keep going and live life again.
“Thank you for sharing, Betsy,” Garreth says as she sits down. “Okay, let’s talk about recovery tools.”
I never thought I’d end up here, but I know it’s where I need to be. And I’ll keep coming until I trust myself again.