MAYA BROOKE
This morning, I needed to get out of the house before my afternoon classes, otherwise I’d end up overthinking and crashing out.
Finn has been distant, but present at the same time. It hurts more than I could ever imagine. He’s always here on time for Skye and stays over despite there not being another attempted break-in for a while.
We talk, but it’s mostly about how our days have been and nothing more.
I understand that I’m the reason we’ve gone back to being like this, but it doesn’t feel right. It’s alien and strange and makes me feel rotten inside. I was the one who told him I needed more time, and he’s giving me that.
So why do I feel so goddamn miserable?
We’re really playing the part of co-parenting, and yet I feel empty and unfulfilled.
I drive for half an hour to reach the next town over for a change of scenery, thinking it would help clear my mind, but it only allowed me to think even deeper.
I pause outside a clothing shop as Skye wriggles. She’s dressed in her woolly hat and layers with gloves over her delicate fingers. The temperature has dropped now that it’s creeping closer to the end of the year, but the cold is the last of my worries.
I tug Skye’s hat further onto her head. “How about we go for a little coffee date, hm? Get out of the cold, and you can have a feed.”
Skye’s arms flail around as her brown eyes fall on me.
A soft smile graces my lips as I direct us towards a small coffee shop in the quieter part of town.
After grabbing a coffee, the barista very kindly gives me hot water to warm Skye’s bottle.
We sit in the spot by the window to do nothing other than people-watch.
I feed Skye first as she stares up at me, her ungloved fingers clutching onto my hair as she drinks down her milk.
When I glance up, I nearly fall out of my chair at the sight of my mother grabbing her coffee at the counter and turning towards the exit.
I freeze as her eyes glaze over me. For a second, I think she’s about to leave without even acknowledging me, but to my surprise, she stops.
“Maya.” She pauses, not once taking in Skye. “What are you doing here?”
“Just getting out of the house.” I raise my shoulders.
A hum falls from her lips as she finally acknowledges her granddaughter. “I heard that Nina has gone to stay with her girlfriend because of you and…”
My nostrils flare. “She has a name. Her name is Skye.”
“She left her own apartment for you, Maya.”
“I didn’t ask her to.” I scowl. “She offered me a place to stay when I had nowhere else to go; it’s not like I begged her to let me stay there.”
She rolls her eyes. “You really think the world revolves around you. Don’t you?”
My mouth falls open in shock. “Excuse me?”
“You actually have the baby at twenty years old while you’re still in university, then I hear you’ve taken back the alcoholic idiot who knocked you up in the first place,” she murmurs as her hand circles beside her head. “You know that will not end well, right?”
“First of all, that’s none of your business,” I spit. “Secondly, I don’t understand why you couldn’t support me when I had Skye. I’m an adult. I can make my own choices. She’s your granddaughter, Mum.”
Blood starts to boil in my veins. The relationship with my mother has always been a difficult one. I came to the conclusion when I was twelve that she didn’t like me, and as I’ve gotten older, I realise I don’t think she ever has, and I don’t understand why.
“Because I knew I’d be the one to pick up the pieces!” she exclaims, grabbing the attention of the café, which makes me want to sink into my seat. “A single mother who has to move in with her sister, who has no money and no life prospects because she has a child with an alcoholic father.”
I clench my teeth together. “I don’t understand why you hate me so much. I’ve done nothing to you, and yet you never support me, never ask how I am, never want to see your granddaughter, let alone your own child.”
My mother huffs as if this conversation is an inconvenience to her. “I don’t hate you, Maya. Don’t be so ridiculous.”
“Then why don’t you care?”
“Like you said, you’re an adult. Why should you drag me down with your poorly made decisions?”
My jaw ticks as I shake my head in disbelief. “If you’re going to treat your kids like this, maybe you shouldn’t have had any at all.”
She stares at me for a moment, and when I think she’s going to give some witty response, she says, “Goodbye, Maya.”
I watch as she leaves and tears burn in my eyes. My entire body slumps forward, and I feel too many sets of eyes on me because no doubt they heard every single word of that horrific conversation.
I inhale a slow breath and attempt to calm down as I place down Skye’s bottle when she’s finished and start to pat her back.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Christmas is only a few weeks away…the most wonderful time of the year. The most miserable time of the year, more like.
Despite spending most of Christmases with my mum’s new boyfriend and Nina, I know that’s not a choice this year. I’d rather gouge my eyes out than sit across the table with my mother, knowing she doesn’t want me or Skye there.
I take my phone out of my bag and call my dad.
“Hey, sweet pea. How are you doing?”
My shoulders droop at his voice. “Hey, Dad. I’m—” I pause. “I’m okay.”
“Yeah? How’s Skye?”
“She’s great,” I murmur. “She’s doing well.”
“Ah, pleased to hear it.”
“Hey, uh…” I trail off. “Big question. Can I spend Christmas with you and Julie this year?”
There’s a long pause that fills me with dread. “Maya, we’re going to Mexico for Christmas with Alec and Jemima.”
I blink at his words. His wife’s kids. “Oh—” I feel my eyes begin to build with pressure. “Okay.”
“But we’ll be back before New Year’s,” he states. “Maybe we could see each other then?”
My nose begins to tingle as I try to hold it together. Ever since he got remarried and took on Julie’s younger children, it’s like there is no time for me. He calls me occasionally, but I’m usually the one chasing him because he’s too busy with his new life.
“I just feel like you’ve forgotten about me,” I say with a sad laugh.
“What? No. I could never forget about you, sweet pea.”
“I feel so alone,” I utter pathetically. “And you rarely call. It’s like you forget I exist since you have a new family now.”
My father exhales a sigh. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Maya. I never want you to feel like that. I should have told you. You’re not spending Christmas with your mum?”
I choke out another laugh. “No, I’d rather be alone than spend it with her.”
“I’m sorry,” he says again. “And you’re right, I’ve been a little distracted, and I admit that. I need to be better. I just thought now you have Skye, you’ve got everything figured out.”
Figured out? Everything feels like it’s falling apart.
“No, I don’t.”
“I’ll make more of an effort, Maya. I promise. I hate that you’re feeling like this.”
I sniffle again, but don’t say anything.
“What are you going to do for Christmas then?”
“Uh…” I clear my throat. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll figure something out.”
“Okay.” He sounds uncertain, but it’s not like I have the money to book myself a flight to join them with Skye. “Well, I love you. I’ll speak to you soon. Okay?”
I hum and clamp my eyes shut. “Sure.”
“Bye.”
My thumb presses against the red button quicker than lightning. I drop my phone onto the table, and my head falls into my hands in defeat. Skye releases a soft sound, and I lean over to her, gently stroking my finger along her cheek.
“Might just be me and you this year,” I whisper with wobbly lips.
After downing my cold coffee, I head out of the café and drive home. When I park up outside the house and get Skye’s pram out of the back, the front door opens, and Finn emerges. I glance up at him as he jogs down the steps to meet me.
“Hey,” he says before taking the pram and my bags from my hands.
“Hey.” I fake a smile. “Thank you.”
I take Skye out of her seat and lock the car before heading inside to the warmth.
“Girly day out?” Finn says as he folds the pram and places it in the corner of the room.
I place Skye down before shrugging out of my coat. “Something like that.”
“What’s the matter?”
My shoulders feel incredibly heavy as he approaches. “Uh, nothing.”
“Maya—” he stops me before he can walk around me. “What’s wrong?”
I meet his green eyes that are full of concern, and it makes me want to burst into tears because the one person who actually cares about me, I’m pushing away.
“Guess who will be spending Christmas alone,” I attempt to joke, but my voice comes out wobbly. “Skye’s first Christmas, and no one cares.”
Finn’s forehead creases. “What? I care. You know I care.”
“I saw my mum in town, and she didn’t have a single nice thing to say,” I whisper before swiping a hand down the curve of my face. “And then I rang my dad, and he told me he’s spending Christmas in Mexico. So we’re going to be all alone.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “No, you’re not.”
I frown as I stare up at him.
“You’ll spend Christmas with me and my family.”
For a moment, I pause and then blink. “Finn, I—”
“I want to spend Christmas with you and Skye. For my parents and Ivy to meet you both. You will always be welcome at our house. No matter what.”
The lump in my throat returns, and I want to burst into messy, emotional tears. I didn’t want to suggest it in case I was pushing his boundaries again. He made the decision to take a step back, and I’d never want him to feel pressured into taking us home just because we’ll be alone.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
I release a shuddering breath. “We’re a handful.”
“A handful?” He tilts his head. “No, you’re my girls, and you’re both perfect the way you are.”
Emotion clogs my throat as I stare up at him through glassy eyes.
“Will your parents mind?” I ask as I clasp my hands together and pick at the skin around my nails.
“Mind?” His eyes widen. “Maya, my parents can’t wait to meet you. Ivy, too. You’re coming home with me, and I don’t care what you say about it.”
There is a warmth inside my chest that starts to blossom at how dominant he’s being about it. It’s not a question; he’s telling me the answer. Deep down, I knew he wouldn’t have let us be alone on Christmas, but I wasn’t sure what’s best for him.
“Okay,” I croak. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. I don’t want you anywhere else.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, and he leans forward to wipe it away. My eyes close with contentment. It’s the first time he’s touched me in days, and it makes my skin raise in goosebumps. There’s an ache in my heart because I want to reach out for him and bury my head in his chest, but I can’t.
There will be no more mixed signals until I can give him all of me without reservation.