FINN THOMPSON
The meeting was mostly a blur, and not because I didn’t want to be there, but because my head was spinning with thoughts that made me twitch.
What if I have to watch her fall in love with someone else?
Andrew, my sponsor, noticed I was a little vacant today and checked in. I explained I was having a difficult day, and he sat with me to make sure I wasn’t going to make choices I’d regret. I didn’t realise how much I needed someone to really see me and not judge.
After the meeting, I went for a walk and took some time to empty my thoughts. Despite the urge to drown myself in a beer and feel that cool liquid hit my tongue so I can push my feelings elsewhere, I know I can’t.
The second I choose that life again, I’ll lose Maya and Skye for good.
And I promised Andrew that I’d call him before I make that choice.
When I walked through the door an hour later, I wasn’t expecting Maya to look so disheveled, and then relieved when she laid eyes on me. Maybe I am that much of a liability, and I don’t want to hold that title to my name anymore.
As I lie awake in Nina’s bedroom, knowing my girls are in the other room, my soul is destroyed, but we can’t keep sharing a bed if there’s a possibility we might not have a future.
My eyes close, but I don’t sleep. It’s pointless. I toss and turn and groan out my frustration as the sheets start to ruck up around my legs.
When the morning rolls around, I pluck myself from bed in the early hours and make a coffee before sitting at the table in silence. My heart aches from yesterday’s roller coaster of emotions, but I can’t let it drag me down.
I have to keep going, and I will.
Maya’s bedroom door cracks open, and I glance over with my mug between my hands. Her dark, heavy eyes find mine as she blinks and wraps her dressing gown tighter around herself.
“Morning.”
I force a smile. “Morning.”
“Both up before Skye. Must be a new record,” she croaks playfully.
“Yeah.”
“How did you sleep?” she asks as she walks over to the kitchen and pours herself a cup of coffee.
I shrug. “Not great.”
Maya hums before sitting down opposite me. I flick my eyes over her face and the way her dark hair is thrown up into a messy bun on top of her head. Fresh-faced, with swollen lips and creases on her skin from sleep.
The back of my neck heats, and I don’t know how I’ll ever get over her.
“You?” I murmur.
Maya sighs. “Slept okay.”
Silence washes over us as I drain my coffee and wash it up in the sink.
“Are you okay with Skye this morning? I know you have class later. But I’ll be back.”
She blinks at me in surprise. “Oh, you’re leaving so early?”
Because the more time I spend with you, the more I’ll fall in love with you.
I have no idea how that’s even possible, but fuck, every day I somehow adore her more than the last, and it’s dangerous for my mental stability.
There is nothing I want more than to spend every second I can get with Maya, but now I think a little bit of distance is what I need. I shouldn’t rely on them for all of my stability and happiness. I need to do that on my own, and I can’t when I’m following her around like a lost puppy.
“Yeah…” I trail off. “I’ve got things I need to do. That okay?”
Maya’s mouth parts. “Yeah, of course.”
“Okay,” I say as I lower my head, grab my belongings, and get dressed. “Say good morning to Skye for me. I don’t want to wake her up.”
“Sure.” Her voice wobbles as she watches me walk to the front door. “I’ll see you later.”
My mouth slants to the side in a half-smile. “Bye.”
The second I’m outside and in my car, I lower my forehead to the leather steering wheel. My heart aches to leave them, knowing we could be having cosy family mornings together, breakfast, and everything else.
But that’s far from my reality.
After a few minutes of pondering my next steps, I head to the gym to get out of my own head. I haven’t been going as regularly as I should be, but my life has changed drastically over the last few months. I should still take the time to look after myself and my mental state.
I face the mirror and hold two dumbbells between my hands until I sense a figure appear beside me. My eyes land on the reflection to find JJ staring back at me.
“Hey, man,” he says as I shove off my headphones. “Didn’t even see you in here.”
“Hey,” I murmur.
“You good?”
My mouth parts, and I contemplate lying, but what’s that going to solve? Lying to everyone around me is what put me in the hospital to have my stomach pumped.
“Just having a weird few days,” I confess.
JJ’s blue eyes soften. “Wanna go grab breakfast after this?”
I’m nodding before he even finishes his sentence. “Yeah, I’d really like that.”
When we finish our gym session, get showered and head over to our favourite diner in town, my shoulders feel a little lighter. It’s always a worry when I’m by myself and drowning because my mind can easily wander, but with JJ here, it makes things bearable.
“How are you doing? Haven’t seen you for a little bit. I rang you last night, but you didn’t answer.”
“Ever since that attempted break-in at Maya’s, I’ve been wary of leaving them alone at night. And I’m sorry, I didn’t see my phone. I had a tough day.”
JJ hums as he raises his apple juice to his mouth. “Understandable. What’s been going on?”
I release a morbid sigh. “Everything.”
“What does that mean?”
My back presses firmly into the plastic chair, and I tilt my gaze downwards.
“Maya called me yesterday,” he says, and I freeze.
“What?”
“Said she was worried about you.”
I drag a hand down my face. I really am a liability. Fuck. My stomach churns, and suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore.
“What happened?”
My lips purse as I lock eyes with JJ. There’s no point hiding it; talking about it might ease some of the pain that has been clogging my chest. That’s the one thing my therapist has drummed into my head since day one—talking is good even if it hurts.
“We had sex,” I state simply.
JJ quirks a brow at me. “You had sex.”
“Yep,” I say tightly. “And I told her it wouldn’t change anything, but of course it did. It dug up every single emotion I’ve ever felt for her. It was like we were back to being us before I fucked up, and god.” I grit my teeth together. “It killed me to hear her say that it can never happen again.”
I study JJ’s face as he tries to hide his wince. “What happened after?”
“Realised I need to distance myself for my sanity. Obviously I don’t want to miss out on anything regarding Skye, but if I don’t need to be there, I won’t. It’ll destroy me, and I don’t want to need alcohol to survive being around her. I need to work my way back up and take it slow.”
JJ hums softly. “That sucks. I’m sorry, Finn, but maybe this could be good. That you don’t need to rely on her for happiness.”
“She said there might be a future for us,” I mumble as I cup my jaw. “But I can’t just hang around waiting for her to decide or not. I get it, I fucked up, but it kills me. I want to be with her, I want to be a family, but it’s not my choice, and that is the most painful thing of all.”
“I think taking a step back is the right thing to do.” He leans forward. “For now. Some space. It might give Maya some time to think, too. You’ve been wrapped up in each other. This new baby bubble, and you’re probably allowing yourselves to get too comfortable.”
I chew on the inside of my lip as I lean forward. “But I want comfortable, JJ. It’s all I want. I just want her, and I can’t—” My throat burns. “I can’t fucking have her.”
My eyes throb as the words crumble in my mouth pathetically.
“Hey, man,” JJ says supportively. “I know you want to be with your family because that’s what’s important to you, but you need to stay strong.
Keep going to those meetings. Speak with your therapist. With me.
Hell, even Ronan and Silas. Just keep going.
You have come so far, and we all need you to stay healthy. ”
I sniffle and lower my head, really hoping the tears in my eyes stay put.
“It’s fucking hard, JJ.” I clench my fists together. “At the smallest inconvenience, I want to drown myself in anything that will make me numb, to take away the pain. But I can’t.”
“Exactly,” JJ murmurs. “You can’t, so you keep going. Like we’ve spoken about. Alcohol isn’t the answer. What is it going to solve?”
Nothing. I shout in my head.
It never solves anything. It’s a temporary fix that will end up costing me my life. It’s not worth it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. Fuck. I think about it too much.
“It’s almost been four months, you know?” I murmur without thinking.
JJ flashes me a supportive grin. “And do you know how incredible that is?”
I shrug. “Shouldn’t have got there in the first place.”
“Hey,” he says, snapping my attention towards him. “What matters is that you’re sticking to your word and you’re turning your life around. Those girls need you. Ivy needs you. Your parents need you. I need you. Okay? And we are here for you.”
My eyes close as I inhale a soft breath. “Thanks, JJ.”
They are words I have desperately needed to hear, to drag myself out of the dark pit my mind has recently been diving into.
“Life doesn’t stop here,” he says sincerely. “There’s so much to see and to experience. Don’t give up.”
“Yeah,” I rasp. “I know.”
I stare back at JJ with glassy eyes as he grips my wrist and gives it a squeeze. “You’ve got this, brother,” he says with a sincere smile. “I have so much love for you.”
“Love you too,” I laugh as a tear rolls down my cheek.
I’m quick to wipe it away before our breakfast arrives, and the second my eyes lay on the full English before me, my appetite slowly starts to come back. I suck in a silent breath and remind myself that the world isn’t against me.
It’s easy to play the victim when things don’t go your way. And I’m done with playing the victim.