Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Sally
Letting Mimi convince me to go to the beach to see Oliver again was a mistake.
I meet strangers most weekends to hook up, but I’ve never been this embarrassed.
I wanted to see him, but that all turned to shit when the girl with way bigger boobs pressed into him, and he looked directly at them.
Of course, he did. What guy doesn’t like big boobs?
Oliver obviously does.
I look over my body, still hidden under my oversized hoodie. I at least have some tits. Small and perky from the years of estrogen—not that you would see them with what I’m wearing today.
Ella’s voice rings in my head about not comparing myself to cis girls, and she’s right. I shouldn’t. That doesn’t stop the thoughts from creeping their way up to the front of my mind every once in a while, especially when confronted with someone as gorgeous as that girl.
“Sally, are you listening?” Leon’s voice takes my mind away from my thoughts. His head tilts and he gives me a lopsided smile. “If I didn’t know how spacey you can be, I’d be hurt.”
I meet his gaze fully, letting out a breath. “How are you?”
Leon’s little smile falls to the floor along with his gaze. “I still feel groggy.” His face scrunches like he’s fully remembering the events of last night. “How late was Jaxon here?”
I don’t want Leon to overthink it. Jaxon was being protective of him, but that doesn’t mean he likes Leon in any other way than brotherly. We needed Jaxon. Leon needed Jaxon.
“He wasn’t here this morning.” There’s a hint of sadness in his voice.
Ella told Jaxon it would be best to head out before the boy woke up. Jaxon fought back a little, but Ella can be forceful.
“Sorry for causing such a mess.” Leon wraps himself up in his arms. “I guess I ruined the night.”
“No,” I blurt. “You ruined nothing. Those scumbags ruined the night.”
Leon’s eyes gloss over as he bites his lip. His sure sign that he is trying his best not to cry in front of me. “Putain.”
I reach forward, finally making a move that isn’t just me standing around, and pull my little brother into a hug. Leon stiffens a bit since this is pretty unusual for me, but after a second, he relaxes, wrapping his arms around me.
We sit there for a moment before Leon says he needs to go on a walk. I ask if he needs company, but he shakes his head and leaves. Of course, not before reminding me I need to call our moms.
So here I am, sitting on the makeshift couch bed, staring at my phone and the text thread for today.
Richie sent a video of his daughter, Emmy.
The little girl has her black curly hair pulled into an updo with a yellow ribbon.
The little girl is giggling, looking at the camera as her mouth bubbles out incoherent noises that sound like her trying to say, “Dada.”
Richie
So, Emmy has something to say!
Ma
That might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!
Mama
She’s wearing the ribbon I got her!!
Lotte
Baby aside, how’s the beach, baby Reeds?
Mimi
Reading books on the beach is not as romantic as the books make it out to be.
Lotte
Nothing more romantic than sand in your vagina.
Mama
Please don’t send that in the family chat.
Miggy
From experience, it’s not fun for guys either.
Ella
Miguel, you don’t have a romantic bone in your body.
I love that we have a daily chat, but now my thoughts fill with the fact that I’ve been ignoring my moms since we got here. With a sigh, I call Mama. She’ll be more likely to pick up, though she’ll probably use this to gloat to Ma later tonight.
“Sally,” Mama’s voice comes through a little eagerly.
Now I’m imagining her sitting around, waiting for my call, even though I know she wouldn’t do that.
“Are you okay?” she continues.
I shake my head, almost saying no, even though she can’t see me. I open my mouth to talk, but nothing comes out except a barely audible breath.
“Honey—”
“I’m sorry it’s taken so long to call you guys,” I say. “I know you and Ma must be pretty mad about it.”
“Sally.” I can hear her frown through the line. “We aren’t mad at you at all. We get that this is a lot. Ma and I just wish we could get off work to help you with everything.”
“I know, Mama.”
“It’s Sally,” Mama says away from the phone, which means Ma must be home. I doubt it was any of my siblings. “You’re on speaker, honey.”
“Hey, sweetie,” Ma’s thick voice comes through the line. “How’s the house?”
I let out a shaky breath, trying my best not to think about what I’m supposed to be doing here. “It’s okay.”
“If you need us there, I’ll take off as much work as you need,” she says without hesitation. She can’t do that because the fire station needs her there, but I also know if I really needed them here, she would be here yesterday.
We made a deal not to tell them about what happened with Leon because then they would really be here to kill some twenty-year-old assholes.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“Richie might be able to help with selling the house,” Mama says with a slight wariness in her voice. “Have you thought more about what you want to do with it?”
My mind goes back to the letters that Christina wrote to me and the fact that my moms apparently had contact with her, even if just little updates.
“Moms?”
“Yes, sweetie,” Ma comes through.
“Did you tell the Gordons about me?”
For a moment, all I hear is silence and the little breaths I’ve been forcing myself to take so I don’t get lightheaded.
“When you were sixteen, they reached out,” Ma begins in a somber tone. “They wanted to know that you were at least happier.”
“Your Mom and I decided it would be best not to bring up anything that might set you back,” Mama adds. “You were just starting to feel comfortable in your skin.”
Was I mad at them? No, not really. I know I would have freaked out if they had told me any of this. The Reeds were the best thing to happen to me.
“Are you mad, honey?” Mama asks.
I hesitate with my answer, which must be causing Mama a lot of turmoil. She’s always hated confrontation, and Ma loves keeping it real. “No, Mama, I’m not mad.”
I hear her let out a relieved breath.
“We will always be here for you, sweetie,” Ma rings in again.
“I love you guys so much, and I promise to keep in touch.”
“You better,” Ma says. “I hate it when y’all don’t update us on what’s happening. I have to pull teeth to get Lotte to tell me anything.”
I giggle because Ma and Lotte have always been at each other’s throats, but that comes from Lotte running off when she turned eighteen.
“You also need to text more!” Ma calls me out.
“Yeah, yeah.” I laugh. “Love you.” We hang up.
I need to find those letters. That matters more than Oliver right now, even if thinking about him makes me want to cry a little.
I spend too much time tearing my room apart, looking for any sign of another letter.
Where did she hide these fucking things?
I plop down on the floor, looking over the mess of my room.
Children’s books, photo frames, and even old clothes from the closet are laid out on the floor in chaotic disarray.
They turned my room into some sort of storage.
They replaced me in any way they could to preserve their happiness.
My eyes land on the frame in front of me.
The same picture I had turned around with a fake happy family.
There are a few cracks coming from the top left corner, like veins, but only one of them reaches the other corner.
I reach out to grab the frame, looking over it and noticing the cheap wood frame breaking apart and a white paper visible through the back.
My eyes go wide. I break the frame further, pulling out a wrinkled piece of loose-leaf paper. I take a deep breath and slowly unfold the paper.
Dear Simon
My dead name.
Which means this letter is from before Moms told them about my name change.
You turn thirteen today. It’s been a year since you’ve been gone, and honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing this.
It’s not like you’ll see it. We got asked if we wanted to apply for custody again, and we said no.
Your father kissed me for the first time in years.
We even started going on dates again. I felt like a schoolgirl with a crush.
I saw your father smile again, and he felt like my husband again.
I hope you find a girl that makes your heart pump like he did and does once again.
I’m sure you’ll be a handsome boy, just like your father.
There’s no signature at the end.
They were really happy without me. My presence hurt them so much that they stopped loving each other. Maybe I just drain everything around me. All I need to do is think about past hookups, the marriages I could have ruined through my stupid obsession.
I bring my hand up to feel the stream of tears falling from my eyes, chilling my burning cheeks. Now I’m fucking crying once again over parents I should hate, but the realization is hitting me. I ruined their lives just as much as they ruined mine.
I need to not be here—or any place—but being out of this house would be fucking great right now.
I stand, rushing out of the room and out the door. The dim light of the day matches the downcast of my mental state.
“Sally.” In my rush to get out, I don’t even process the fact that Oliver is standing in front of my house, wearing the same Water's Edge tee he wears for work.
His eyes search my whole body before landing on my still tear-soaked face.
Any thoughts he might have had are now gone as they flash with concern.
I hide my face, wiping away the tears, and hope my eyes don’t look too red.
“Are you that mad at me?” he questions. My eyes snap to him with shock.
“What? No!” I say. “What are you doing here?”
He looks for a second, probably deciding whether he should press for more. Luckily, he answers my question. “I wanted to see you since we didn’t get a chance earlier.”
When the girl interrupted him, and I ran away like a coward.