Chapter 11 Gemma #2
Rory let out a shaky breath, and her body slumped into Gemma’s.
She squeezed Gemma’s hand and fumbled with her coffee.
Gemma released Rory’s hands and took her drink from her so Rory could wipe the tears that had pooled in her eyes.
Gemma shoved one of the serviettes that had come with the coffee at Rory, and she wiped her eyes with it before blowing her nose.
“Sorry, not very elegant.” She managed a half-smile before a wave of seriousness washed over her.
“I don’t know how I identify. That’s why I can’t fall into anything with you.
” Rory took a shaky breath and released it slowly, as if to calm herself before speaking.
“I think of those terms, but they don’t seem to fit me.
But I know I don’t like how I look and feel.
Darcy rejected me because I want to change, and I’m scared of how my parents will react. ”
“They seemed fairly supportive over the weekend.” Gemma’s heart clenched at the pain that radiated off Rory.
Her friend had always been her role model, her hero, the person in her life who knew what she wanted and went and got it.
To see Rory like this, scared and unsure, was heart-wrenching.
But at the same time, Gemma’s heart was full to bursting with gratitude that Rory felt safe enough with her to show her vulnerabilities and fears.
“I know, but it’s one thing when you have your hair in a bun and still look feminine in places and another thing if I go fully butch. What if it’s more? What if I want to change my pronouns or even transition?”
“Do you feel you want to?” Gemma pitched her voice so that it was inquisitive, not accusatory.
“I don’t know. I like the idea of being a strong woman, but then I look at myself in a mirror and hate the reflection coming back at me.”
“That makes sense. As for your family, they love you, Rory. And they know you’ve always been a bit of a tomboy.
I can’t see them rejecting you.” Gemma wanted to cup Rory’s face in her hands and kiss her, but she knew right now that would change the dynamic of the conversation.
Gemma’s love for her friend washed over her, and she was touched that Rory could open up to her as much as she had.
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
Rory sniffed and shrugged before reaching for her cup again and taking a few large sips.
“I don’t know.” She tipped her head to the side as she always did when she was thinking.
“I always admired the boys at school. I knew I didn’t want to date them, but there was something about their swagger that made me want to be just like them.
When I was at university, I pushed the boundaries a bit more, you know, getting my hair cut a bit shorter and being a bit more butch when I could.
But when I was starting my last year and looking for training contracts, my tutor called me into her office and told me I needed to decide how I wanted to be remembered.
As the brilliant lawyer who got the plum job in a big London firm, or as a butch lesbian who struggled to get work.
She made it very clear that the big London firms were not looking for someone who looked like I wanted to.
” Rory pulled a face. “I hadn’t worked so hard at university to throw it away at the last minute, so I took her advice, I grew my hair out, got a woman’s suit and heels and nailed every interview I had and got my choice of jobs. ”
Gemma felt a wave of anger wash over her at the thought that Rory had been forced into a box that she didn’t like because of her job.
“By the time I became senior enough to get away with dressing more how I wanted, Darcy had moved in and made it very clear that she wanted a woman as her girlfriend.” Rory threw her a lop-sided smile.
“You see why I can’t get involved with anyone?
My head is a mess, and I don’t know where I’m going or who I’m going to be at the end of it. ”
“I understand, and I’m here for you as a friend, but Rory”—Gemma reached a hand out and tipped Rory’s face to hers so she could look her in the eyes “—not everyone is like Darcy. Please don’t think we are all like that.”
“So, if we were dating, and I decided to become a man, would you be okay with that?” Rory tipped an eyebrow.
“It’s okay, I don’t need you to answer that, but that’s the dilemma I have.
I just don’t know where I’m going. I just know I am not happy, and I need to be happy with myself before I can fully be happy with anyone else.
” Rory swallowed. “I can’t let myself fall for someone who may abandon who I become in the future. ”
Gemma weighed Rory’s words as they sat next to each other in companionable silence.
Gemma was glad for the reprieve, and it looked as though Rory was equally happy to have a break from talking for a bit.
She was right, of course; Rory often was about things.
If they had been casual acquaintances, Gemma wouldn’t have minded and would be working on getting Rory out of her clothes and into a hotel room to get horizontal as soon as possible.
But she knew in her heart that if they were physical again that there would be no way that they would be a quick fuck.
They loved each other as friends too much, and they would both want to try a relationship, and that wasn’t fair on Rory as she was so confused.
So, she told her libido to take a break and concentrated on listening to her friend.