36. Beau
36
Beau
I don’t trust it. Shep said she’s here to stay, but I know Tess better than that. She may think she’s moved back for good, but she’ll be gone again once she gets her fill of the place. She’s always going to be restless, it's part of her. I just wish she’d realize it already.
She looks different. Not bad different, but enough to make me question whether or not she’s the same girl anymore. Her hair is shorter and every time it brushes her shoulder blades, I think of all the times I kissed her there. When she walked into church this morning, I caught a flash of red on her hands and realized she had her nails done. It never used to be something she cared about, but it looks good on her. I wonder if her fingers are manicured and polished to keep up with the fancy people in Houston or if this is just another part of her that’s changed. I wonder about all the changes I can’t see.
I’m surprised she can’t feel the hole I’m burning into the back of her head. I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off her and I’ve given up trying to conceal it. She sits with her mom off to the right, in a pew a few rows ahead of us. Our families used to sit together in church, but I’m thankful today they’re forced into another section so her dad can sit in the aisle next to the stained-glass windows. It bothers me that he hasn’t glanced at her once since they wheeled him in. He seems more aloof now than ever, like if he doesn’t look at her directly, he can forget she’s there.
Too bad I can’t do the same thing.
Tessa’s had a bland look plastered to her face through the whole sermon–so at odds with who my Firecracker was. She smiled and shook hands with all the people who came by to wish her well and say they’re happy to have her home, but I caught the quick spark of annoyance before she remembered to be polite. I’d bet anything she’s still cussing them in her head for being busy-bodies.
Every now and then, her head tilts to the left and I know she’s trying to see me over her shoulder. It seems I’m not the only one who couldn’t care less about what the reverend is preaching on this morning. I’m letting myself look, but I’d be a fool to get close to her again. I had my chance and I wasn’t enough to make her stay. I’ll be damned if I’m going through that again.
When the sermon is over, I slip out the doors at the back of the church ahead of her. The first time I speak to her again isn’t going to be in front of an audience. I’m not stupid, I know she’s been looking for me since she got home, but she’s going to have to work a little harder. I look back just once to see her glance at the spot where I was sitting.
Later that night, when I’m getting ready to leave my parents’ after Sunday dinner, Peyton calls my name from upstairs. I yelled back, but she insisted I come to her room.
My mom’s head pokes around the corner, stopping me before I can shout again. “Stop shouting, please.” She rolls her eyes. “Go up there and see what she wants before she gives me a headache.”
“What am I, twelve?”
“Beaumont Alan McAbee,” she grumbles.
“Fine.” I stomp up the stairs, feeling exactly that age.
“What?” I ask when I get to my sister’s bedroom door.
Shep’s sitting on her bed, resting against the headboard. We’ve spoken, but not much. It’s still tense between us and I’m not ashamed to say I’m ready to get the holidays over with so he can crawl on back to Houston.
I raise my hands in surrender. “I’m not on drugs, guys. Promise.”
Shep snorts and Peyton rolls her eyes, looking just like our mom. “What was that little stunt you pulled today?”
“What are you talking about?” I ask. She stalks towards me and moves at the last second to shut the door. “Well, this doesn’t feel like an intervention at all now.”
She ignores me. “Leaving church before all of us.”
So they noticed. “Nothing, I told Nathan I’d meet him after.”
“Sure you did,” Shep mutters under his breath.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I can’t hide the note of venom in my voice.
Peyton folds herself into the chair by the window, not bothering to move the mound of discarded clothes. “You’re avoiding Tessa.”
I try to school my face into blankness. “I’m not, I just don’t have anything to say to her.”
“You can start by telling her how you’ve been moping around for over a year.”
My head tilts with derision. “And what good would that do?”
“She came back for you, you know,” Shep says, sounding even more annoyed than Peyton. I don’t understand why he looks like he’s simmering, as if he’s ready to throw a punch any second.
“That matters to you why?”
Peyton answers for him. “Stop with the questions, asshole. I’m not grilling you, merely wondering where your head’s at?”
I make a show of touching my neck, feigning surprise when I find my head there. Reaching for the handle of the door, I tell her, “You two need to work on your shakedown routine a bit.”
“Are you really not going to speak to her?” Shep asks, staring daggers at me.
I release the knob and cross my arms. “I’m not not speaking to her. She’s welcome to talk to me whenever she wants, but I’m not seeking her out.”
“Why not?” Why can’t he ask his own goddamn questions?
“I don’t know, Peyton. Maybe because she wiped the floor with me. Maybe because she moved across the country and moved in with this fucker and no one thought to tell me.” I know I should stop, but I can’t help myself from hurling one last insult. “Or maybe it’s because I don’t buy their best friend act.”
Shep has the good grace to look ashamed, but he mumbles, “It’s over, Beau. That’s it.”
My eyes slide back to Peyton slowly and I shrug. “I don’t have anything to say.”
She turns serious. “I know you loved her. I just don’t want you to be unhappy on principle.”
“I’m not. But I’m not the one who has to try here. I did that and look where it got me.” What I don’t say is I’d rather I had never gotten a chance with Tessa in the first place than be where I am now. Knowing what it’s like to have it all and having lost it still. They wouldn’t understand anyway.
“She wants to rent the apartment,” Peyton says suddenly and I can’t tell what her motive is. Is she trying to hurt me or guilt me?
“What apartment?”
“Above your building.”
“What building?” Shep asks in surprise.
He’s stayed mostly silent except for the two jabs earlier and I wish he’d just come out and say what his stake is in all this so I know where I stand. He said they weren’t dating, but that was so long ago. Anything could have happened in the time since I last visited and the way he’s acting is too territorial for someone claiming to just be Tessa’s friend. Having him looming like a dark cloud in the room is making me fucking uncomfortable.
“It’s on Magnolia. Remember the hardware store? Beau bought it and there’s an apartment upstairs.” She gives Shep the barest details and doesn’t out me or my plan for the building.
I give her a grateful twitch of the lips. “It’s not livable.”
“Yes it is. It just needs cleaning.” Peyton says matter-of-factly. I’m just
about to open my mouth to ask how she knows that when she waves a hand. “I was there for the inspection. It needs to be cleaned up. Good thing you’ve gotten so handy since she moved away.”
“What did you buy a building for?” Shep looks curious instead of disdainful for the first time tonight.
“Because I was bored,” I fire back. I’m not pursuing Tessa, but I won’t chase after him either. If he wants to go back to the way things used to be, he needs to own up to his part in it.
Pey draws my attention back to her, but I have a feeling she’s just playing referee. “Are you going to fix it up or not?”
“Of course I am,” I say without missing a beat.
“Good,” Peyton says, just as quickly. “How long can I tell her?”
I rub my chin and lean against her door. “Give me two weeks.” I hesitate, not sure I should ask. “Does she know it’s mine?”
Peyton’s eyes soften across the room. “Nope.”
“Keep it that way, okay?” She nods and because I’ve had enough of the seriousness of this conversation, I tell her, “That was really mean.”
“What was?”
“I’ve always been handy.” I flash her a grin, thinking they might finally let me leave, but no.
Peyton stands and puts her hands on her hips. “I think we should go to the cabin for New Years.” Both sets of eyes land on our sister and when neither of us answers her, she slips into sass mode. “Look, Shep doesn’t have to be back for a while and you have nothing but free time right now. You two need to work out whatever this shit is and fast.”
My hands automatically go to my pockets. “Nope, no way. I know plenty of ways we can work this out without being stuck in the middle of nowhere together.”
Shep gets off the bed and steps towards me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Come here and I’ll show you.” I motion with my fingers for him to come closer, but Peyton holds up a hand.
“I’d like my brothers back, please. And I think deep down, both of you would too.” We shift uncomfortably and after a moment I move towards the door.
“I’ll see y’all later.”