Chapter Eighteen Breaking Down
Meri
For a moment, nothing happened. Maybe they were all surprised at what I said. I was a little surprised at myself. I had thought the words and suddenly they had come out of my mouth.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
“Meri—”
Aryn’s voice came from too close. Flinching, I pulled back before I had time to think about it. I dropped the microphone as I stood. The resulting noise from the impact of the still active microphone was an assault on the ears.
“Don’t!” The word came out as I fought the urge to cover my ears with my hands, only half successful.
The moderator stepped in immediately, her tone smooth and practiced. “We’re going to take a brief break. Thank you all for your patience."
The room noise increased as people talked, chairs scraped. Someone laughed too loudly nearby. It was all far more difficult to filter.
“Let’s step off this way." The handler’s voice came from my left. She gestured but didn’t touch me, probably afraid from my reaction to Aryn.
My legs felt unreliable, but they held long enough to carry me toward the side of the stage. I followed the path she indicated without looking at the audience, focusing instead on just getting somewhere quieter.
The hallway beyond the stage wasn’t quiet as Tara arrived, stomping towards me. “What did you just do?”
I stopped, wishing she would just go away.
Tara grabbed my arms, her fingers tight against me. “What did you just do?”
I understood the words. I just didn’t have an answer that would satisfy her. “I fired you."
“Tara let go of her," Aryn sternly said, a warning note in his voice. “Meri? Are you okay?”
“Is she okay? She just put my career in the toilet with millions viewing it on the internet," Tara spat out. Mercifully, she let go of my arms. “You need to go out there and tell them you were joking, or it’s all a misunderstanding."
“I’m not going to do that," I replied, wishing my voice had come out stronger.
“You just told a room full of people you’re walking away from your publisher and your agent," Tara said. “Do you have any idea what that does? You’re going to be labelled as difficult. You’ll be lucky to ever get representation again."
“It’s my work. I get to decide who I work with," I stubbornly told her.
“It’s a business where sometimes you have to work with people you don’t like to get things done," Tara retorted.
I knew she was talking about me. It wasn’t a secret she didn’t really like me. She just liked the fact that she was handling a best selling author.
“You’re still fired." I wasn’t about to back down.
“That’s not how this goes. You don’t make decisions like that in public. You don’t walk away from contracts without consulting the people managing your career," Tara insisted. “You’re overreacting. You make everything harder than it needs to be."
The hallway felt narrower, pressing in from both sides.
“Tara, maybe this conversation should be another day when you aren’t so upset about it," Aryn advised. “We are in public."
“She made this public," Tara angrily said. “You think you can walk away from everything I’ve built for you?”
“I built it." I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing I were anywhere but here.
“You wrote the books. I made sure anyone cared. You don’t understand how much I do for you," she continued. “I manage your schedule, your appearances, your interactions. I keep things from falling apart so you don’t have to deal with everything. You are so ungrateful."
“I’m not ungrateful. I just don’t think you’re the right person to manage me anymore," I said the word with sarcasm, letting my anger take over. “You’ve been trying to manipulate me and I’ve just finally seen through it."
“You’re a freak sometimes, do you know that?” Tara glared at me.
Aryn stepped closer. “That’s enough, Tara."
“You have no idea what I deal with," Tara said, turning her anger on him. “You’ve spent a few hours with her and suddenly you think you understand anything about how this works."
“I don’t think that," Aryn firmly told her.
“Then don’t pretend you know what’s best for her," Tara responded with a scowl.
“I’m not pretending anything. I think Meri knows what’s best for her," Aryn said.
“You called me Meri," I whispered. “You knew all along exactly who I was."
He hesitated. It was brief, but it mattered.
“You wanted to use me just like Tara does," I muttered numbly, all my worst fears confirmed.
“I came to talk to you about the film. To explain why I thought it could work. Tara said that it was the best way to get you to think about it," Aryn tried to explain. “I wasn’t trying to use you."
“Sure, throw me under the bus. You wanted the rights to the filming just as much as I did, don’t deny it," Tara scorned. “It would have been a win to get the rights to Ember and Ink, the first movie of your production, already a bestselling novel, a household name."
Aryn glared at Tara. “You told me she already signed over the film rights to the publisher and all I needed to do was to try to convince her that my production company was the right fit and then I was guaranteed to deal. You lied to me as well."
I had a bleak laugh, before covering my mouth and blinking back tears.
“Meri, I should have told you from the beginning but Tara said that the best way to approach you—“ Aryn
“Stop it Aryn," Tara scolded. “She’s just being stubborn. Don’t pander to her."
“You didn’t have to pretend," I told him.
“Pretend what?” Aryn asked, ignoring Tara.
“You know exactly what." I wished I had never met Aryn.
“I don’t. Meri, explain it to me," Aryn requested.
“Meri, get yourself together and get back to the panel. We can move past this and talk afterward," Tara looked at her watch.
“I’m not going back," I told her.
I had known Tara wasn’t my friend, but I had always assumed she wanted me to succeed so that she could succeed. It was a mutually beneficial relationship. Now, I felt like she didn’t respect me or care about me at all. She had just been in it for herself.
“You always do this. You take something straightforward and turn it into a problem because you don’t want to deal with it properly." Tara waved a finger in my face.
“You all—just—decide things—” The words broke apart before I could hold them together.
It was an old trigger from my childhood when Mom would push me to do things I never wanted to do.
Playdates, team sports, social outings, all which made me uncomfortable to the point of meltdowns.
“You decide what’s good for me, what I should do, what I should say—”
“It’s my job," Tara retorted.
“It’s control." I tried to respond again, but the sentence wouldn’t form. The noise pressed in harder now, each sound distinct and impossible to filter. Footsteps echoed. Voices overlapped. Someone dropped something down the hall and the sharp clatter carried through me, making me flinch.
“This is exactly what I’m talking about," Tara snidely said. “You freak out over the smallest things. You have no idea how much work you are . You need special everything . ‘The wig is too itchy, I don’t like heels, why can’t we eat somewhere less fancy’.
All you do is complain. You don’t appreciate anything I do for you.
I’m glad we’re done. You’ll never get another agent like me. Not with behavior like this."
“Stop it, Tara." Aryn’s voice cut through.
Tara went still for a moment, then straightened giving me a disgusted look. She turned and walked away.
I realized I was shaking. My chest tightened, breath catching again, and this time it didn’t release. My vision narrowed, the edges of the hallway pulling inward. The light overhead felt too bright. The air felt too thin.
“I can’t—” The words came out uneven, breaking apart as soon as they formed. “I don’t…”
I tried to breathe again and couldn’t get enough air to make it work properly. Tears were streaming down my face and I knew I was about to lose what little control I had left.
“Meri." Aryn’s voice was quiet and gentle. “How can I help?”
I shook my head miserably.
“I think we should get out of this hallway and somewhere more private. How about I escort you to your room," he suggested.
My legs didn’t hold when I tried to move and I stumbled.
Aryn stepped closer. One arm settled behind my back, the other moved beneath my knees, as he lifted me into his arms. “I’ve got you."
I stiffened. I hadn’t been picked up like this since I was a child, usually when I was either too tired, or having a meltdown. It brought back so many insecurities and was comforting at the same time.
“It’s okay. I’ll just bring you to your room and you can recover," Aryn softly said, heading for the elevators. “If you want, I can order you a burger again."
I pressed my face against his shoulder because it was easier than keeping my head up. I leaned my head against him, wishing this was all real and not just him trying to use me, to get the film right from me.
It was all pretend, all fake. He didn’t like me, I reminded myself.
“Can I get you some water?” he asked as we boarded the elevator. A woman gave us an odd look before exiting, leaving us alone.
I didn’t answer.
“Do you want me to call one of your sisters?”
I shook my head again, more firmly this time. The last thing I wanted was to have to explain to anyone what had happened. I tried to wipe my eyes but the tears kept coming. I took in a shaky breath, trying to get air.
Aryn held me while the elevator moved. He carried me down the hall to my room, carefully setting me down. Helping me with my room key.
I stood in the doorway, sobbing and wishing things were different.
“How can I help? What do you need me to do, Meri?” he asked in concern.
“You can leave me alone," I whispered, shutting the door on him.