Chapter 29
That evening, the kids sat on an old picnic mat in the garden while Eiley, Cam, Harper, and Mum helped them carve pumpkins, which was actually mostly just doing it for them because the child-friendly tools were quick to bend and blunt.
Saffron and Archie had emptied the entire contents of the toy box out onto the grass while Brook, Isla, and Sky groaned at the orange gloop sticking to their fingers.
It was, supposedly, very fun, although past experience proved Eiley would only start enjoying herself in about two hours, when the pumpkins were lit, her pyjamas were on, and Hocus Pocus was playing on the telly.
“That’s an interesting design, Sky.” Cam raised a brow at Sky’s … triangle. Just one tiny misshapen hole, right in the middle of his pumpkin. “Is it a nose?”
Sky threw up his arms as though to say, “Done!”, crawled out of Eiley’s lap, and went to play with the toddlers by Mum’s leafy bucket of potato plants.
“Yep, we’ve lost him,” Eiley commented.
It didn’t take long for Isla and Brook to follow, though they at least managed to carve full, albeit wonky, faces into theirs.
Their smaller pumpkin had been painted and was currently drying on the doorstep – a round peach face wearing a yellow helmet and red clothes made by Brook.
A fireman. He’d also asked when he would next get to read to Warren, and she’d stuttered out a, “Soon,” with a heaviness in her chest. She hated lying, but especially to them.
“All right.” Harper raised her phone high in the air. “Everybody say cheese. Or pumpkins.”
Eiley mumbled out a mix of the two, “chumpkins”, absently. There was only so much longer she could keep Finlay’s visit and her upcoming plans to see his place in Glasgow to herself.
“You’re not even looking at the camera!”
“I, erm, need to tell you something,” she blurted.
Cam paused from cutting, rather violently, into her green pumpkin. She’d never been one for Harper’s Insta snaps, either. “Oh, god. What have you done?”
“Nothing!” Eiley stated defensively, wrinkling her nose. “Maybe.”
“Whatever it is, love, you can tell us.” Myra patted Eiley’s head from the garden chair she perched on, the mat too low and uncomfortable for her swollen knees. “You’ve been very quiet recently. What’s on your mind?”
“Is it Hercules?” Harper prodded. “Are you two still hate-fu—” When she realised her boyfriend’s mother was, in fact, still with them, she corrected herself: “Still fighting?”
“If I talk to you about something, can you all promise not to tell Fraser?”
Her eyes widened. “I can’t keep secrets from him, Eiley. We don’t do that.”
It was fair enough, but she wasn’t sure where it left her now.
She didn’t need Fraser blowing all of this out of proportion.
He’d always despised Finlay; since the break-up, he refused to so much as say his name.
Since he’d been the one to suffer most from their father’s abandonment, and the one always there to pick up Eiley’s pieces, he might have hated him even more than Eiley.
He wouldn’t understand.
Mum took Eiley’s hand, skin cool and papery. “You’re worrying me, love. What’s gone on?”
“Okay. I’m going to cover my ears.” Harper did just that, singing out a, “La, la, la, not listening!”
“It’s Finlay,” Eiley admitted, and the “Las” stopped.
All three of them came out with colourful ways of describing her ex, and she shushed them, motioning sharply to the kids. She would not have Brook asking her what a “rotten wee C-U-Next-Tuesday” was.
“I thought you blocked his number ages ago,” Harper said, rearranging her pleated boho skirt as she crossed her legs.
“I did. Somebody must have told him about the bookshop, because he turned up a few days ago.”
More curses, all of them deserved.
“Hope you told him to fuck off,” Cam spat.
“Well, aye, but …”
She gave a withering groan. “Eiley.”
“He said he’s changed a lot. That he wants to be part of their lives again.”
“Heard that one before,” muttered Myra.
Eiley suddenly regretted even mentioning it.
If she thought she could disappear for a weekend without them noticing, she might not have, but there was no lie that would sound plausible enough.
She didn’t go away on her own with the kids, certainly not without months of planning, and certainly not when they usually spent Halloween trick-or-treating with Fraser.
“Look, I wasn’t sure either, but I asked Brook and Sky if they would want to go and see his new house in Glasgow. ”
“Blooming ’eck. Fraser’s going to hit the roof,” Harper whispered.
“Which is why you can’t tell him,” Eiley pleaded.
“I know this is probably a really silly decision to make, but I don’t want my kids to grow up like we did without a dad!
Knowing that somebody chose to leave you …
it makes you feel like you’re not worth enough.
They deserve better than that. I can’t not give him a chance to do better, right?
People change all the time. Look how different Fraser’s been since you came into his life, Harp.
He used to work himself to the bone, worrying about everyone else.
Now, he’s actually enjoying his life, letting himself take breaks to be with you.
And you, Cam! Before Sorcha, you never settled down with anyone.
You were a commitment-phobe, and you held babies like they were rabid dogs! ”
She glanced at all three of them, desperate for them to see that, just once, she was trying to do something brave and needed their support instead of their overprotective snipes.
“I will never, ever take Finlay back. We’ll never be together again.
” If anything, Warren had taught her that so much more had been wrong in their relationship than she’d thought.
Maybe that was all she’d needed; to know that she was supposed to enjoy intimacy, take as much as she gave.
And for someone to look at her and really see what she needed, whether it was to talk, shout, scream off a bloody hill, or lose themselves in one another.
Warren wasn’t her happily ever after, her romance hero, and she was still unbearably angry with him, but not enough to regret it anymore.
If a little twinkle of happiness was all she got, she’d rather have it than nothing at all.
They’d both messed it up, yes, but she’d had moments with him she’d never experienced with anyone else, and she’d hold onto those as proof someone might not run from her and her baggage.
Proof she could be put first. Find passion again.
She glanced over at her children, at their smiles and their kindness and their chaos as they fought over toys only to laugh about it a moment later.
“This is only for them, and he knows that if he hurts them again, there won’t be a second or third chance.
I just … I can’t spend my life wondering if I’ve stolen the chance to have a father from them. ”
“Does Warren know about this?” Harper asked.
“The firefighter?” Mum frowned. “What’s he got to do with it?”
“They’ve been at it like bunnies,” Cam answered.
“Cam!” Eiley shoved her, sending her toppling off the mat.
Mum’s eyes widened. “And has he been good to you?”
“Oh, he’s been good. Very, very good.” Harper smirked. Eiley wondered how much damage a child’s pumpkin carver would do if plunged into someone’s arm.
“We’re too different,” she said firmly. “It would never work.”
Mum pouted, and it made Eiley wish that she could sit here and say something else: that she’d met the right person, somebody who adored her and her children, somebody she could count on. She knew it was all anyone wanted for her.
But she and Warren were just too volatile – her own fault as much as his, if not more. He’d met the worst version of her, and she was beyond being able to fix that now, just as he couldn’t take his own words back. She shredded a piece of grass between her fingers, trying to hide her oncoming tears.
“You don’t know that, Eiley,” Harper said softly. “The way he looks at you, the way he gravitates towards you no matter where you are …”
“If Sky took a shine to him, he’s done something right,” Cam agreed. “Maybe I am a bit pro-fireman. If we must bring another man into this family, I suppose it should be someone the kids like. And someone who’s good in emergencies.”
Eiley shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. It’s over. We already agreed. He’s dating other people.”
“Well, that’s a wee shame, but maybe it’s good to focus on yourself and the kids at least until you’ve sorted this Finlay thing out.” Mum stood up with a pained groan. “I’m going to make us some dinner. I think we all need some comfort pasta tonight.”
Eiley couldn’t help but be surprised. That was it? No more lectures about how she was making the wrong decision?
She must have jinxed it, because Cam tugged on her hair, just hard enough for Eiley to frown. “Be careful with Finlay, aye?”
“I can handle him. I’m stronger than I used to be.” It was true, even if she’d only now realised it. If Finlay had shown up on her doorstep this time last year, she might have already taken him back, desperate to keep their family intact even if it meant sacrificing her own peace.
She knew, now, that he would need to put a hell of a lot of work in if he wanted to make things right. She would never, ever let him break them again.
“I know that. We all do.” Cam wiped her pumpkin innards on an orange-stained tea towel. “I’ll go and help Mum.”
Which left only her and Harper. Harper sighed, concern wrinkling her freckled face. “I really wish that giving you what you need didn’t mean lying to the man I love.”
“I know. I’m sorry for putting you in this position.
I just … I know you get it more than anyone.
” Harper had her own bad relationships, and she knew how difficult Fraser could be when he got too worked up about things.
He’d become unrecognisable when Harper had gotten hypothermia in the loch last year – but Eiley had been there to support him even when he’d self-sabotaged.
Didn’t she, for once, deserve that same grace?
“I do.” Harper shifted closer, the two of them bumping knees. “I was thinking of going home next weekend, anyway. I think Mum’s a bit lonely with Dad working so often. I’ll take him with me. Keep him out of your way.”
“Thank you, Harper.” Eiley squeezed her hand. “I just need to do this on my own.”
“What about Warren? Do you really not want to give him a chance? I’ve never seen you as happy as you were at the autumn festival after the two of you disappeared into the woods.
And even when you were fighting, you lit up.
” Eiley had filled Harper in on most of their shenanigans during their “bed-rotting era”.
Harper’s easy way of listening meant she’d even been comfortable enough to talk about the S-E-X …
to an extent. She’d left out the wildest details.
“Aye, but it’s too complicated, and all this back and forth isn’t fair on either of us.
” She smiled sadly. “He made me realise that I do want to try a new relationship again one day, but I think I need to be able to trust again first. Finlay damaged my faith in other people a lot more than I thought.”
“It’s understandable. And you don’t just have your own heart to think of, either.
” Harper glanced lovingly over at her niblings, as much their aunt as Cam now.
“If you need anything, you will call, won’t you?
We’re all here to beat Finlay up if he hurts you.
Fraser made me that sword for my birthday. ”
Eiley chuckled. She was never not grateful for the people around her, but now more than ever, she needed them: not to fight her battles or tell her whether she was right or wrong. Just to sit with her while she figured it out for herself.
She rested her head on Harper’s shoulder.
Harper squeezed her tightly, and together, they watched the sun set over the leaf-strewn garden, the world feeling safe again if only for a night.