Chapter 30
Warren could pretend, for a moment, that he was back to his old self when he arrived at the restaurant with Blair.
He’d opted for a cosy haunt on the edge of Loch Eil – an oversight on his part, one that had him cursing as he drove past the sign and saw half of her name.
The place was aglow with candlelight bouncing off well-polished glasses, offering an ethereal shine that complemented Blair’s shimmery makeup and silky dress.
With the deep green hugging her curves, he wasn’t sure how she was still single.
Two months ago, he would have been delighted if she even looked his way.
Of course, he was delighted now. Just … also distracted. As they were led to their seats by the window, he pulled out her chair, the smell of her perfume overtaking his senses – enough to make him sneeze, just like in Mrs. Crumpsall’s classroom.
“Bless you!” Blair handed him a napkin as he took the chair opposite. As he blew his nose, her shadowy eyes slid to the view of the loch outside, the still surface reflecting the moon and the dark forest. “Wow. What a stunning view. Thank you for bringing me. I’m glad you finally reached out.”
“Aye, sorry about the delay in getting back to you.” He scratched his head gingerly, wondering why he felt oily for even being here.
He wasn’t doing anything wrong. In fact, he was giving Eiley the space she clearly wanted and trying to move on, which would be beneficial for both of them. “I’ve been busy.”
She picked up the laminated menu, scanning over the list. He supposed he’d better do the same. When had he gotten this rusty? It was like he was being pulled on strings, a marionette waiting to be led. “The perks of teaching: half-term came just when I needed a break.”
A waiter approached to take their drinks order, postponing their small talk. Again. She opted for a cocktail, him a whisky. He hoped it might calm his nerves. Anyone would think he’d never been on a date before.
They were delivered quickly, and he tried not to down his dram in one shot as Blair carried the conversation.
His mind kept wandering back to the loch.
It was narrower and longer than Teárlag, but it reminded him of that day in his van all the same.
The way Eiley had snapped at him, because she was so bloody stubborn when it came to being helped.
The way he’d realised, finally, that it was all just an act, a way of protecting herself.
If she knew he was on a date, would she care?
Did she feel that same knife lodged in her belly, the one he’d been trying to pull out of himself for days?
He didn’t like how he’d left things. He’d been crueller than necessary.
Maybe part of him hoped that it might finally wake her up to the way he wanted her, but nothing ever seemed to.
He would have to be okay with letting her go, sooner or later.
It just … pissed him off. All of it. She’d known all along nothing could come of this, but he’d been foolish enough to take whatever she would give. And—
And Blair had stopped talking, because he hadn’t been listening.
“Shite. Sorry.” He fixed his posture, leaning over the table to force his attention back to her, even if it felt impossible.
“I was in a world of my own. Sorry. I’m back in the room, I promise.
” He pressed his palms into his eyes. He didn’t like who he was right now.
Didn’t like how he felt – hollow unless Eiley was near.
It wasn’t fair of him; Blair deserved his undivided attention.
He plucked out a new question desperately. “So, have you always lived in Belbarrow?”
Her finger traced the edge of her glass steadily, less light in her eyes now. He’d bloody blown it. “I spent most of my life in and around Edinburgh. Honestly, it was too hard to find work in the city, so I figured I’d try out small-town living.”
“And how’d you like it?”
She shrugged. “I love the sense of community in Belbarrow, and I feel like I’m making a difference here, but honestly I’m not sure if I see myself staying long-term. It’s a bit isolated.”
“Aye, I get that. It was a culture shock to me, too, when I came back from Inverness.”
“So you’re from here, then?”
He hummed, in no mood to think about the house tonight.
He managed to swerve the conversation back to her, and this time, actually listened as she talked about family and work.
They ordered their starters – a soup for her and smoked salmon for him – and another round of drinks.
Occasionally, her foot brushed his shin under the table, and he smiled like he liked it.
“Despite being new to town, you already seem to have made an impression,” Blair pointed out, resting her chin in her palm.
“Oh?” Warren took a breath, allowing himself to reach out and touch her hand.
No sparks. Maybe that was a good thing. His sparks with Eiley had turned into a wildfire, ravishing everything and leaving him a charred, barren landscape.
Perhaps he should have been looking for somebody who made him feel calm.
Somebody he didn’t have to fight at every turn.
So, he began drawing figure eights into her skin, hoping that if he kept trying, he would find something good. Something right.
“I noticed that you and Eiley seem to have a bit of tension. I hope you don’t mind, but I told her about our date, just to make sure she was okay with it.”
Or not . His fingers froze on her knuckles, stomach running cold. “What’d she say?”
Blair pulled back carefully. “She said that it was fine. Except it’s not, is it? Otherwise, you wouldn’t have just asked me that. You would have said, ‘Why wouldn’t she be fine with it?’ Or, ‘Whatever do you mean, Blair?’”
Fuck. He was that obvious. And she was still that engrained in him. Like this dry weather, there seemed to be no end to it. No escape. Just stifling air pressing into his skin.
It would be better to be honest. Blair deserved at least that. “We had something casual going on, aye, but it’s over now.”
“And do you want it to be? Because you don’t seem to be here with me, Warren, and I don’t like wasting my time.”
Her bluntness rendered him speechless for a moment. Was that why people were uncomfortable around him and all his directness, too?
Finally, he sputtered out, “You’re not wasting your time. I’m enjoying getting to know you.” It wasn’t a lie, even if it wasn’t the whole truth.
“Are you sure? I get along with Eiley, and I teach her lads. I don’t want to upset her over a man who can’t even be bothered to listen.”
He bristled, clenching his napkin in his fist. “I’m listening now, Blair.
I promise. And trust me, you wouldn’t upset her.
She made that clear.” That was why he needed to be here, needed to do this.
Even if he and Blair didn’t work, it was better than sitting in his van, imagining a life where she let him in and gave him a fair bloody chance.
“Okay …” Blair took a long sip of her drink, looking anywhere but at him. “I mean, it didn’t make much sense to me either. She’s lovely, but three kids are a lot to take on. Especially with Sky, and—”
“Sky isn’t a burden,” Warren interrupted before Blair implied as much. “None of them are. The right person will be grateful that there are more parts of her to love. More family to fit into.”
An uncomfortable silence swathed the table, broken only when the waiter delivered their food. They thanked him, but neither of them moved to eat.
“I just meant,” Blair began finally, “that surely with your working hours, you might want a less complicated relationship. Clearly, I was wrong.”
He tried to scrape the frown from his face. Well done, eejit. You’ve really put your clumsy fucking foot in it now . “I didn’t mean me . We weren’t … It wasn’t like that.”
Blair gave a disbelieving scoff. “Okay, Warren.”
He sighed. “This isn’t going well, is it?”
“No, it isn’t.”
What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just let this all go? Why was he sacrificing his chance with someone like Blair, when he could just smile, nod, because Eiley wasn’t his problem, and certainly wasn’t his to defend?
“I assume this means you want a family, too.” Blair smoothed the napkin over her lap and sat back in her chair, hunched and defensive, with every right to be.
“Aye. I do.”
“Well then, I guess we were doomed from the start.”
That surprised him. “But you’re great with the kids.”
“Aye, I know, which is why I wouldn’t want any of my own. Kids are my job, and my vocation, but I like coming home from them at the end of the day. I like having time to take care of me when I’ve spent my whole day focused on them.”
“That’s … That’s really fair.” But not at all what he wanted. He’d always imagined himself as a father, rebuilding the family he lost. He wanted to tell his kids about the grandparents they should have had, and what it was like to live on a farm as a wee bairn.
He wanted to take care of them. Watch them grow.
Raise children who knew, with absolute certainty, that they were loved, no matter what.
Children who would never experience the loss he had.
And yes, his work hours would make it hard, but he’d do it tired and stressed and grieving, because he was a father.
He felt it when he spoke to the school kids.
Felt it even when he rescued that bloody cat of Mrs. George’s out of the loch.
And fuck, had he felt it with Brook and Sky.
“Should we just call it quits now?” Blair asked. There was no judgement there, no anger, which was more than he’d earned.
“I don’t see why we can’t eat our meals and get to know each other a bit more. Just because we might not fit romantically, it doesn’t mean we can’t still enjoy our night, does it? As friends?”
She hesitated as though searching for some ulterior motive, but finally nodded. “The soup does look good,” she admitted. “So, want to tell me why you’re not wining and dining Eiley right now?”
No, he really, really did not.
But he told Blair anyway, because pushing it down clearly wasn’t working. And when Blair offered him a little sympathy, sharing her own history of bad relationships afterwards, he felt a wee bit less frayed around the edges. A wee bit more human.
He supposed it was a start.