Chapter 33
Imay have made a mistake.
Amani didn’t believe me a year ago when I said Jess and I were only friends. I thought she was being adorably jealous. But now… I see it. Jess is most definitely hitting on me.
Her blouse is practically see-through, and she is most definitely not wearing a bra. I keep my eyes fixed forward as I take her through the condo.
“You already know the value of this place, and we’re friends, so I’m going to be blatant about the maintenance that needs to be done.”
Jess touches the side of my arm and I try not to flinch. “That’s really nice of you. Thank you, Adam. You’re a good guy.”
“Of course. Anything for a friend.” I subtly remind her why we’re here. She’s not doing anything wrong. She’s fully aware Amani moved back to Denver, and I’m no longer in a relationship.
“The patio door needs new weather stripping.” I point at the glass doors, then to the window next to it. “There are two slats broken on those blinds and the same thing in the bedroom. Sorry, my nephew is mischievous with blinds.”
“It’s really not a problem.” She smiles shyly as she tucks a few strands of blond behind her ear. “Everything is fine out here, but I’d love to see the master bedroom.”
Real subtle.
“Okay, come on.” I make sure I stay two steps in front of her, just out of reach. Opening the bedroom door, I flick on the light and the memories hit me like a wave. Amani isn’t here, but I still see her on the bed in the fetal position, looking like she’d never smile again. I’m haunted by all the damn memories of this place. First of Liv, now of Amani. It’s why I’m finally selling it. No good comes out of this condo.
“The closet is a good size. It’s through the bathroom.” I point to the bathroom door, suggesting that Jess go explore alone. She takes the cue and heads into the bathroom.
The scent of citrus cleaning products is still prevalent. Lola texted me two days ago to tell me the place was spotless and staged, ready for walk-throughs. She even told me she was able to get the blood stain out of the mattress. I didn’t ask her to do that. Lola is just that thorough. Curiosity getting the best of me, I peel back the comforter and sheets on the side of the bed Amani used to sleep on.
Nothing.The mattress is perfectly clean. No evidence. It’s like the miscarriage never happened.
That’s almost worse. I know it didn’t last, but it was something. Amani and I had something.
“The closet is huge. I’ll have enough room and more,” Jess says, joining me in the bedroom.
“I thought you were using this as an investment property?”
“That was the initial plan. Then I started thinking how nice it’d be to live so close to work.”
“Yeah, that’s a good—” I stop when I see what she’s holding. “Where’d you find that?” I ask, staring at the stuffed pickle in her hand. She squeezes it, and the pickle lets out a low wail.
“It was sitting on the windowsill in the closet.” Crossing the room, Jess joins me on the bed before handing me the pickle. “Must be your nephew’s…or your dog’s?”
“I don’t have a dog,” I mumble, staring at the pickle. All the pain I’ve been shoving down rises to the service. “It’s a baby toy.” Did Amani forget this or purposely leave this? Our whole baby arrangement stemmed from this pickle. Was she wanting to leave the memories behind, or did she want me to have this as a reminder?
All our moments flash through my mind, one by one. The first time I met her at Chase’s birthday party. The time I witnessed her meltdown in the Elm Community parking lot. Our first kiss. The first time I saw her piercings. The way she moans when she’s coming. How she touches my cheek when she has something important to say. The time she met my parents and they fell in love with her as quickly as I did. How we had sex at sunset on the beach in my car, and I kept thinking it felt like we were caught in a movie. The very moment Amani told me she was pregnant. The look in her bright green eyes, decorated with her light freckles.
Those fucking freckles. I see them every time I close my eyes. And right now, I desperately need to see them. But when I shut my eyes, I feel a pair of lips on mine.
I rip away so fast, I nearly fall off the bed.
Jess covers her mouth with both hands, looking shocked. “I am so sorry. I thought that was an invitation.” She leaps up, trying to give me some space. “Shit, Adam. I misread it. I didn’t mean to attack you like that.”
I shake my head. “You didn’t attack me. Jess, it’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. I’m sorry. You’ve always been so nice to me, and you’re obviously very attractive.” She groans and mumbles something under her breath that sounds like, stupid girl.
“Jess, it’s not you.”
“I didn’t think you’d invite me over for a showing on a Friday night unless you were interested. I thought it was an excuse to see me.” She gestures to her sheer blouse and skin-tight skirt. “That’s why I dressed like this. And then you offered me a glass of wine. Actually, now that I’m spelling this out, I’m confused.” She laughs to herself. “Was this a date?”
I press my hands against my thighs. “No. It didn’t even occur to me. I’m sorry. The timing didn’t cross my mind. I didn’t have plans tonight, so I was free to swing by the condo. And as for the wine…”
She plants her hand on her hips. “Yeah, explain that one, buddy,” she says with sassy flair.
I look at the pickle in my hand and force out a breath. “I lost two babies in this room. It’s kind of hard to be here. It’s why I want to get rid of this place. The wine was just to take the edge off. I already had the bottle open, and it seemed rude not to offer you a glass.”
Jess presses her palm against her forehead. “Well, now I feel like such a jackass.”
“Don’t,” I say. “No way you could’ve known. I haven’t exactly been forthcoming about it.”
“Was it Amani? You said two babies. She miscarried twice, or it was twins? Is she okay?”
I shake my head. “Amani had one very early miscarriage. That’s why she moved back to Denver. She needed time. The other was metaphorical. I used to live here with my ex-wife. We were going to start a family.” I point to the window on the far side of the bedroom. “She was standing right there, eight months pregnant, when she told me the baby wasn’t mine.”
Jess sits back down on the bed, leaving ample space between us. “Which is bothering you more right now?”
“Both,” I say honestly. “I let them both down…in different ways.” I pass the pickle back and forth between my hands.
“How so? It sounds like your ex-wife let you down.”
“Not her. The baby. Or now, kid. Her name is Summer. I should’ve been there for her, but I wanted to punish her mom. Can I tell you something a little messed up?”
Jess pretends to zip her lips and throw away the key. “Your secret is safe.”
“I feel like I fucked up and Amani paid the price. She tried so hard. I watched her get so sick during IVF, but she never complained. She didn’t drink, she watched her diet, she took her vitamins and did light exercise. Her body was perfectly equipped to carry a baby. The miscarriage shouldn’t have happened. It was me…my fault. Karmic retribution. When my wife told me she cheated on me and the baby wasn’t mine, a better man would’ve at least seen the pregnancy through. I basically divorced her on the spot and never spoke to her again. She delivered all alone. The guy who got her pregnant wanted nothing to do with them, either. Regardless of what Liv did, Summer deserved better from me.”
Jess blows out a big breath. “That’s heavy.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you still in love with Amani?”
I nod, my eyes still in my lap. “Deeply so. But she deserves a guy who isn’t stuck in his past mistakes. So I let her go.” Lifting my eyes, I show Jess a small smile. “But I’m still not ready to kiss anybody else right now.”
“Adam, let me tell you a little story that might help. I dated a guy for two years and was head over heels in love. My best friend, who was a bit of a snoop, found out he was cheating. She showed me text message evidence and that still wasn’t enough to convince me. Eventually, I walked in on him with another woman. That got it through my thick skull. Everyone thought I’d moved on, but for almost a year, I low-key stalked his socials. I compared myself to every new girl he dated. I envied whatever he was doing. Sometimes I’d show up at places I knew he’d be at, just so I could ignore him. I was obsessed. It’s not that I wanted him back, but I couldn’t let go of the betrayal. He hurt me, but he moved on, and I was stuck.”
I nod. “I get it. Why are you telling me this, though?”
“Because two months ago, I invited him out for coffee.”
“Oh, Jess.”
She scoffs. “It’s not what you think. I looked him right in the eyes and told him he really hurt me, and I was disappointed about how things turned out between us. Then I forgave him. I told him I hoped in the future he’d respect the sanctity of relationships. And that was that. Immediately, I had my life back. I stopped checking his social media, and I focused more on my friends. I started living and taking risks.” She leans over to pat my knee. “Like trying to kiss one of the hot building residents.”
I laugh lightly. “Fair enough. So what’s your suggestion?”
“I think you should start by forgiving yourself. Because if you’re blaming yourself for acts of nature, then you’re stuck, Adam. Once you do that, apologize to the person you feel you let down, then let it go.”
“That easy, huh?”
Jess smiles and winks. “That easy.”
“Thank you. That was very nice of you. And for the record, if my heart wasn’t taken, I would’ve absolutely asked you to stay for a second glass of wine tonight.”
Her face grows serious, and she leans a little closer. For a moment, it seems like she misunderstood my message. I thought I was pretty clear about my lingering feelings for Amani.
“Adam, your rejection hurts,” Jess says, with a completely straight face. I grimace, feeling wildly uncomfortable. “But I’ll forgive you if you give me a serious discount on this condo.”
Rolling my eyes, I breathe out in relief. “All right, let’s go talk money, Jess.”