Chapter Thirty-Two
The door opened and, suddenly, there standing in front of Anna, were Lucinda and Daniel. Ben looked from one to the other, a worried expression on his face. Then Lucinda started walking towards him, her arms open, and he jumped up and ran to her.
‘Oh, my darling.’ Lucinda circled her arms around him, kissing the top of his head. ‘You’ve given us all such a fright.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Ben’s voice was muffled in her clothes. ‘I never meant—’
‘Hush, hush,’ she said. ‘The important thing is that you’re safe. We can talk about the rest later.’
Feeling superfluous, Anna rose from the sofa. ‘I’ll leave you to it.’
Lucinda looked up from Ben. ‘Thank you for looking after him.’
For the first time Lucinda sounded genuine. What a pity it had taken until now — that it had taken this little boy being in danger to make this happen.
‘It was the least I could do.’
She dared not look at Daniel as she walked past him, but he caught her arm. ‘Anna? Can we talk?’
She dragged her eyes to his and her heart lurched as she saw his desperation. Was it possible that Ben running away had changed things? Lucinda was certainly less frosty towards her. She wasn’t sure she dared hope, afraid that would only cause her more heartache. But she’d left without speaking to him, so the least she could do was give him a chance to speak. She nodded.
‘Yes, but not now. You need to be with Ben. Call me when you’re ready and we’ll sort something out.’ She could hear the catch in her voice as she spoke and her eyes flooded with tears, but she blinked them back. Then, holding her head high, she walked away.
* * *
She sat in a daze on the train on the way home, unable to sort her scrambled thoughts. She wasn’t sure what to do next. Did she and Daniel have a future after all? Could they make this work? Now that the exhibition was over she didn’t have much of a demand on her time, apart from documenting Eva’s recovery, and she could do that in day trips to London whenever she was needed. In theory she should be planning her next exhibition, but apart from the prospective launch of Eva’s book, she couldn’t envisage what her next project would be. The last two exhibitions had been a success, both in terms of achieving her dreams and in making a financial profit, but the Chester exhibition had left her feeling rudderless. And it wasn’t just Lucinda and her friends and her split with Daniel. It was more about the feeling she’d had when she’d left the venue — of what was the point of it? She wanted to do something useful, something that changed people’s opinions and made them think about life in a different way. Pictures of buildings didn’t seem to be enough anymore, but for the life of her she didn’t know what would be enough.
On a personal level, her dad seemed settled with a new girlfriend, and Jack would be sentenced soon and moved to a new prison that might be outside of London. Wherever he was she would visit him. Harry was going to Durham University. Although her family might be further apart in distance, they were closer than they had been for a long, long time. She should be happy but she wasn’t.
Daniel. His name drifted into her mind and she realised she would never be able to settle until she’d spoken to him.
* * *
His call came later that evening. ‘Anna?’
‘Daniel, hi. Is everything okay?’
‘Yes, everything is fine. We both had a good chat with Ben and he knows how dangerous it was to do what he did.’
‘I spoke to him too. I hope you don’t blame me for him running away.’
‘No, I don’t! I blame myself and Lucinda.’
‘I do feel guilty, though. If I hadn’t left so suddenly, had explained to him what was happening, maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did.’
‘And if Lucinda and I hadn’t been arguing over you in front of him . . . I don’t know.’ He sighed and she felt his deep sadness in that sigh. ‘Maybe we’re all to blame. But at least no harm has been done.’
‘Yes, that’s one good thing.’
‘But it has made me realise how much you mean to him. And how much you mean to me too.’ He paused. ‘It’s late now, but I could drive over to yours?’
She thought about her dad and Harry downstairs in the living room. She could meet Daniel out somewhere, but she didn’t really want to have this conversation in public.
‘Maybe tomorrow? I could come over to yours. That’s if it’s not disturbing Lucinda and Ben.’
‘They’re not here. They’re staying in a hotel and heading back first thing in the morning. Ben starts back at school on Wednesday.’
Her heart started to beat wildly in her chest. She hadn’t thought Lucinda would stay in a hotel when he had all those rooms going spare in his house. But as she was, did that mean something had changed after all?
* * *
Anna tried to apply a dash of mascara, but her hand was shaking so much she was in danger of stabbing herself in the eye. She wanted to look good for Daniel but, after another night of barely sleeping, she looked tired and washed out, and no amount of inexpertly applied make-up was going to cover that up. She made one more attempt, then put on some lipstick in the hope that would make the difference.
Her stomach was twisting in anxiety all the way on the Tube journey. She’d bought a takeaway coffee at the station but it just added to the agitation going on in her stomach, and she’d ended up unable to drink it. Her legs were practically shaking as she walked down the road towards Daniel’s house. During the long sleepless night, she’d come to the conclusion that, in running away from Cheshire, she’d been a coward. Yes, she had been very unhappy at the way she’d been treated, and she did have a right to defend herself, but when it came down to it, she should never have walked out on Daniel like that. She had let her insecurities and her jealousy get the better of her. If they had any chance of making their relationship work, things would have to change on both sides. And surely the way she felt about him was worth the effort? That was what she was planning on telling him anyway — she just hoped he was prepared to fight for her too.
Although she had a key to his house, she rang the bell instead of letting herself in.
‘Anna?’ He looked surprised. ‘Have you lost your key?’
‘No, I just didn’t think it was appropriate.’
He nodded and she thought he looked sad. It felt awkward and distant between them, and she wished they could be as free around each other as they used to be.
‘Come in. Do you want a coffee?’
She shook her head. ‘No, thanks.’
‘Come into the living room and sit down. Let’s at least be comfortable.’
She perched herself on the sofa, thinking of all the times they’d lain in each other’s arms, either just relaxing or revelling in exploring each other’s bodies. She shivered and tried to pull herself back into the present. Daniel sat down in the chair opposite.
They stared at each other for a moment and then simultaneously said, ‘I’m sorry.’
They laughed. It helped to break the ice.
‘I’m sorry for leaving the way I did,’ she said. ‘It was cowardly. I did it because I was afraid that, if I stayed to say goodbye, you’d talk me out of it. Says it all really, doesn’t it?’
‘I understand why you left and I’m sorry too. The way Lucinda and her friends treated you was horrible, but I should have done more to put a stop to it or to support you.’
‘It’s okay, I understand.’
‘No, I don’t think you do. Let me explain.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Despite her looks, despite the hard front she puts on, deep down Lucinda is very insecure.’
From the Lucinda she’d seen, Anna didn’t think she looked insecure at all, but she kept her thoughts to herself as he continued.
‘She had a difficult pregnancy, she was sick as a dog for most of it, not just the first few months like most women, and then when she had Ben she didn’t bond. No one realised at the time that she was ill, postnatal depression, and so she wasn’t treated. She had a breakdown and refused to look after Ben at all. When we finally got her to a doctor and started on the medication, everything changed, but she’s never got over her guilt about not bonding with him at the beginning. And then she became overprotective towards him, pushing everyone away from her, including me. My way of dealing with it was to bury myself in work, so you can see how it would have become a downward spiral. For a long time I’ve blamed myself for not seeing what was happening and not doing anything to stop them from leaving.’
‘I can see that’s why you’re sensitive around her.’
‘We’d been rubbing along fairly well, until you. I’d never really got involved with anyone since she left. Not in any meaningful way, so when she saw you she got scared.’
‘But she’s in a relationship herself.’
‘Yes, but it’s not working out.’
‘So, she decided she wanted you back?’ Despite his empathy with his ex, Anna still couldn’t feel it. These were the actions of a spoiled child, not someone she could relate to.
‘I can see that’s what it looks like. She’s not resilient like you. She’d never had to be on her own and she was scared. And then there was the way Ben reacted to you. You’re so natural with him and you took to each other instantly. It brought back all her insecurities about being a mother, and she thought he’d end up loving you more than her.’
Anna gasped. ‘But that’s not possible! And even if it was, I’d never let that happen. She’s his mum.’
‘I know that, you know that, and even Ben knows that, but it took her a while to see it.’
‘And she does now?’
‘Yes. She’s admitted how horrible she was to you. Ben running away has really opened her eyes.’
‘I don’t suppose it helped that he ran to me.’
‘Initially, no, but Ben explained that it was more about us arguing. You were the only other person he felt he could trust. We had a long chat yesterday and everyone now knows where they stand.’
‘Well, that’s good.’ Anna hoped she’d managed to keep the bitterness out of her voice. She was glad that they were all sorted, but where did that leave her?
‘I realise I didn’t support you enough. It wasn’t because I had any feelings for her, but I was trying not to rock the boat. For Ben’s sake.’
‘Yes, I think I always understood that,’ Anna said quietly. ‘But it’s really hard to be stuck in the middle. I’m not great at trusting people, especially after Mark, and I needed to protect myself.’
‘And so you should. But it’s not like that anymore.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘No. Lucinda is genuinely sorry for the way she behaved towards you, and also grateful that you were here for Ben, despite the circumstances.’
‘Whatever happens, I’ll always be here if Ben needs me.’
‘Thank you. Anyway, she’s decided she needs to try some counselling to help her unravel her feelings, and, although I don’t think you’ll ever be besties, I think things will be a lot easier now. That’s if . . .’ He paused. ‘If you’ll agree to give me another chance?’
At those words she was so tempted to rush into his arms, but Lucinda wasn’t the only obstacle in their way.
‘I don’t know,’ she said. She could tell by his face that her words had dashed his hopes. ‘There’s still the question of distance. I have to admit I was jealous and insecure about you spending so much time in Cheshire. In being close to Lucinda. I realise of course, now, that there’s nothing between you, but, while you were away, I let those insecurities get the better of me.’
‘I can understand that. The photography school is something I really wanted to do, but I think I made a mistake in setting it up in Manchester. I should have done it here instead, then all this would never have happened.’
‘But you did it to be closer to Ben. You want to spend more time with him and I totally get that.’
‘I did and I do. But I also don’t want to lose you. Which is why I’ve decided that, if you’ll give me a second chance, I’ll find someone to take over the running of the school and I’ll spend more time here. I might even set up another school here. I’ll still spend time with Ben, and hopefully you’ll join me, but I want to be wherever you are. For the moment that’s here, so that’s where I want to be.’
His sacrifice pulled at her heart. To give up spending time with his son showed how deeply he loved her.
‘I don’t want you to do that,’ she said slowly.
His face fell and instantly he was by her side, beseeching her. ‘But Anna, I—’
‘Let me finish.’ She held his face between her hands. ‘I don’t want you to make that sacrifice. I don’t want you to give up spending time with your son to be with me. That’s not fair on either of you and I would never want to be the cause of that.’ She paused. ‘So I’ll come to you.’
‘To Cheshire?’
‘To Cheshire.’ Her heart lifted at his smile.
‘But what about your work, your family, your life? I don’t want you to sacrifice that for me either.’
‘I’m not. I’m glad I did the exhibitions, and I’m glad they were a success, but being with Eva, surviving that blast, well, it’s made me want to give something back. To make a difference. I want to help you run the school. I want to give people the chance that you gave me. Yes, I still do want to pursue the photography but it needs to be more meaningful, and I don’t know what that is yet. As for my family, Harry will be off to university next month and Jack, well, who knows where he’s going to be for the time being, and Dad has met someone.’
‘He has? And how do you feel about that?’
‘It’s a bit strange, but he’s been on his own a long time and, as long as whoever it is makes him happy, then that’s fine with me. And besides, I’ll still need to come here some of the time so I’ll get to see him.’
‘And you’ll do that for me?’
‘I’m not just doing it for you. I’m doing it for me too. But . . .’ She paused. ‘I’d like us to create our own life in Cheshire. I don’t want to be expected to be part of Lucinda’s crowd.’
Daniel laughed. ‘Neither do I! I promise you, things will be different from now on. We’ll build our own life. Together.’
‘I’d like that very much.’
She leaned in and he kissed her. Gently at first, but with increasing passion. It was a kiss she hoped would last for ever.