37. Kit
Kit
A fter Penny stormed off and left me alone in the wreck of our shop, I couldn’t help but feel I’d grossly mishandled the entire affair.
I wanted to follow him home and smooth over the damage Merrick had done, but the look on his face when he realized how greatly the farm had factored into my decision to help him was like a dagger to the gut.
So, I leaned into my cowardice and stayed behind.
I didn’t care what Merrick said about me—my father had done nothing if not help me develop a thick skin when it came to verbal attacks—but the things he said about Penny were too much.
The feeling of being so small and insignificant that someone could dismiss your entire existence as a mistake was one I knew well.
Penny didn’t deserve to be made to feel that way.
But Merrick was dangerous. Not only did he have authority over both of us, he had the support of some portion of the Death Watch, which made him a formidable opponent.
My friendship with Levitt could only protect us so far.
While I was bitter at him for allowing these searches, I had to acknowledge that the Right Hand was carefully picking his battles, and this was one he knew Merrick would lose. It would ultimately work in our favor.
Didn’t mean I couldn’t be angry about it.
I tucked Penny’s sketchbook into the pocket of my slacks and took in the disaster around me. Somewhere in the mess was my apron with the sheath for Penny’s knife hidden inside, though it was impossible to spot with the floor littered with charcoal, tools, and metal ingots.
I started the cleanup with Penny’s workstation. By some miracle, none of the overturned jars of dye had come open in the melee, and the belt he’d been putting the finishing touches on was no worse for wear.
It was beautiful work. Scrolled honeysuckle vines and fanning leaves cascaded down from the buckle end, terminating in a flurry of flowers placed carefully around the notch holes.
He’d been waffling over the appropriate dye color for days, insistent that it had to be just right.
The thought of him sitting there arguing with himself for an hour at a time sparked a smile before the memory of his wounded expression a few minutes before chased it away.
A low whistle from the doorway drew my attention. I swung around to find Reimond and Thoma standing inside, hand in hand as always. Silently, they surveyed the damage.
Jealousy surged through me at the sight.
They were so easy and open with their attachment.
I couldn’t help but be conscious of my every interaction with Penny for fear of someone like Harlan or Merrick figuring out that what I felt for him was more than mere obligation.
With the possibility hanging over my head of them using my feelings for him as a weapon against me, I didn’t have the freedom to take his hand and walk through town the way I’d found myself wanting to lately .
Merrick was wrong when he said I didn’t fancy his brother. It hurt that Penny might think I didn’t care when all I wanted was to run my fingers through his hair, and hold him close, and kiss him until neither of us could breathe.
And Merrick might have ruined any chance I had of that.
“What happened here?” Thoma asked, breaking away from Reimond to gather the pairs of tongs scattered near the door.
I rolled my shoulders, letting my aggravation bleed through.
“The Shroud Warden believed I was forging and stockpiling weapons to stage a coup,” I said. “So, he brought some people and had a look around.”
Reimond followed Thoma into the space and stooped to shovel the spilled charcoal back into its barrel. “Why would he think that?”
Scoffing, I turned back to Penny’s worktable and swept a handful of carving tools into a wooden cup. I could have made up some story to explain it away, but I was done keeping Merrick’s secrets.
“Because he’s bitter that I brought his brother here.”
“You mean Penny?” Thoma asked about the same time Reimond chimed, “Penny and Merrick are brothers?”
“Half-brothers,” I replied. If Merrick was so keen to insist on being so specific, I would be, too. “He doesn’t think Penny has what it takes to be here. It doesn’t help that he’s intimidated by my father’s legacy. He’s been trying to find a way to get us kicked out of Ashpoint since we arrived.”
Thoma appeared beside me, holding out a leather punch he’d retrieved from the floor. “It’s not his responsibility to judge who belongs here,” he said. “Penny is earning his place, just like we all are. Neither of you have done anything worthy of being exiled.”
“I know that,” I replied, slotting the punch back in where it belonged. “But he’s also mad because Penny coming in undermined the lie he told when he first got here. Merrick offered the family farm as tribute, but it was never his to give. Their father left it to Penny.”
“What does he think about all of this?” Thoma asked. “Penny, I mean. I’m surprised he’s not here to help clean up.”
“He…” I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face.
He wanted to get away from me, but I couldn’t tell them that.
“He went home to attend to whatever mess the Death Watch made there in their search.” I finished with Penny’s workspace and started putting the rack of repair orders back to rights.
“I don’t think he approved of how I handled things. ”
Another attempt to dodge the truth of the matter or pretend I didn't know Penny's feelings for fact. He was honest and easily read; it was one of the things I liked most about him. It made him different from so many of the people I'd grown up knowing.
“I didn’t exactly stand my ground against Merrick because I hoped the situation would resolve itself.
I knew there was no substance to his accusations, but Penny runs hot sometimes.
” I smiled faintly at thought of how my sweet and mostly mild mannered recruit could get his dander up.
I’d seen it at the tavern with Tessa and found it aimed at Merrick more than once.
Penny had a bit of fire in him, and I was drawn to it like a moth.
Reimond and Thoma paused their tidying to listen while I finished explaining.
“He chased Merrick down and confronted him. They fought.” I cringed. “I think Penny would have let it go if not for what Merrick said about me.”
“He’s protective of you.” On the other side of the shop, Reimond tossed the last lump of charcoal into the barrel and dusted his hands on his pants. He met my eyes, and his head cocked to the side. “The feeling seems to be mutual. Unless I’m misreading things."
“You’re not wrong,” I confessed.
“He’s very sweet,” Thoma said as he returned to Reimond to help him stack the tumbled metal ingots. “And handsome.”
Reimond swatted his arm, and Thoma laughed.
“Don’t fuss,” Thoma said. “You know I think you’re handsome, too.”
Jealousy returned, making my heart ache.
“This whole thing is…” I picked up a trowel and ran my thumb along the dented edge as I avoided their eyes.
“This is new for me. I never expected to feel this way about anyone, and I keep doing and saying the wrong things. I know Penny wants more from me. I know he cares for me…”
I’d read it in his letters, his private thoughts, and he’d kissed me. He was bolder than I was about these things. About a lot of things.
I heaved a breath. “If Merrick found out about Penny and me, it would only make the tension between all of us worse than it already is.”
“What have you told Penny about all this?” Reimond asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing, to be honest. I don’t want to get his hopes up and… disappoint him.”
“You should tell him,” Reimond interjected. “He’s clearly very fond of you.”
“Don’t rush him,” Thoma chided. “These things take time.” He offered up the saw blade I’d been working on the other day when they came by with Anders. “You said this was new. If you don’t mind me asking, do you mean being with a man?”
I hesitated to be more honest than I already had been, but who else could I talk to about these things? It was becoming too much to keep to myself.
“The fact that he’s a man is irrelevant.” I shook my head. “It’s everything else. I don’t know how to be with someone like this.” I gestured between the two of them.
Thoma rested his hand on my arm. “But you want to?”
I wanted to be close to Penny, to protect him and hold him and make him happy. I wanted to make sure he never again looked at me with the pain he had in the alley. I wanted him .
But there were still so many things he didn’t know about me, things that could hurt him, things that could change his mind about how good a man I actually was. If I let myself have him, and then he turned me away, I wasn’t sure I could handle losing him.
“I don’t know,” I said finally, less an answer to Thoma’s question and more an admission that I didn’t know if I deserved to have what I wanted.
“Then that’s where you should start,” Thoma said.
“You have to figure out what you want, and once you do, then you should talk to Penny. Be honest with him. I get the feeling he’ll be happy to listen.
” He smiled gently as he squeezed my arm.
“And you can always talk to us. Though, I might recommend against taking advice from Reimond. He tends to brute force things instead of finessing them.”
“It worked on you, didn’t it?” Reimond said through a grin.
Thoma sighed and waved a hand at him. “You got lucky with me.”
“Sure did. ”
Thoma’s cheeks darkened with a deep mahogany blush, clearly flustered.
It was impossible not to smile at their interaction, seeing so much of the dynamic I had with Penny in them. Someday, I hoped we could be as free in our affection as they were.