Chapter 14
14
DAY THREE
Now
It was 10p.m. when Minnie and Jesse arrived at Alpine NW1 and the Saturday night service was coming to an end. Which meant they were just in time for a just-vacated table, and just in time to eat whatever it was Hilde had remaining in the kitchen.
‘Lemme go check,’ said Camilla, a Danish waitress with a joyful smile. She came back with two plates of Swiss water buffalo tartare and crispy salmon tostadas with pickles and yuzu mayo; Hilde herself came out of the kitchen with the last portion of Swiss lamb with herbed panko crust and kimchi fermented cucumber, and a bowl of strawberries marinated in homemade elderflower syrup.
‘Here you go, you scrounge-ah!’ Hilde said, noticing Minnie wasn’t alone. ‘Jesse L?—’
Minnie stood up abruptly and shouted ‘Hiya!’ to stop Hilde in her tracks. They hugged, Minnie whispered something in Hilde’s ear, and sat back down.
‘Jesse, L-ove, welcome to Alpine NW1,’ Hilde said as she slid her dishes onto the table and joined them.
‘Hey,’ Jesse said, and Hilde gave Minnie a sharp and admonishing look as if to say, you didn’t tell me he was hot.
‘Jesse this is Hilde, my flatmate and the owner/chef here.’
‘Hi Hilde, lovely to meet you – your food looks incred?—’
Hilde held up a palm to stop him.
‘When my friend said she was going to meet a man at London Zoo, I thought perhaps you were a serial killer.’ Hilde had a way with words; she could say anything with a smile.
Jesse laughed; Minnie winced.
‘None taken.’
‘But it’s nice to know that you aren’t. I assume you aren’t, is that right?’
‘That is correct. Turns out we’re both 100 per cent completely sane and normal, eh Minnie?’ Jesse said, turning to her, as if he were shouting hallelujah at the heavens. Minnie loved the sound of her name on his lips, so much so that she stayed silent.
‘So what’s this?’ Jesse said, rubbing his palms together. ‘They all look incredible.’ He pored over the plates in front of him as Hilde explained them, appreciating the aesthetics of each crafted dish, the way they sat on pretty blue and white patterned china.
‘Well that should be served with grilled baby gem lettuce and anchovy but we’re out of that now,’ Hilde said, pointing to the water buffalo tartare, as if Jesse might spot that. He looked like he had a good eye. ‘And these strawberries should be served with wild sage flowers but my brother Martin is still foraging in the Alps…’
Jesse liked Hilde’s perfectionism.
‘It all looks stunning, thank you.’
‘You’re welcome!’ Hilde said, surprised that she was so pleasantly surprised, as she looked at Minnie and felt a flash of worry for her and her fragile state of mind. JP had been an entirely different kettle of fish, but still, she needed to recover and be single. This guy needed to not be anything more than a friend. ‘Ah excuse me, some regulars…’ she said, getting up deftly as she went to help some customers who were leaving. Hilde helping anyone with their coat was a sight to behold given she was so small.
‘Clever isn’t she?’ Minnie beamed proudly. ‘Although I’m more of a steak and ale pie girl.’
Jesse turned the plate around, to take in the intricate textures and colours at all angles, although the dim lighting wasn’t helping.
‘So clever. God, it’s an art.’
‘Do you cook?’ Minnie asked genially.
‘A bit, but I overthink it. I try to make everything look nice – not this nice of course – but I don’t have that ability some people do, to just throw ingredients together. I stress too much about how it’s going to look on the plate. And you know, Ida’s tastes are pretty limited.’
Jesse said it as if Minnie knew her.
‘What did you get up to last weekend?’
‘With Ida?’
Minnie nodded.
‘I took her to the Twist Museum, have you been?’
‘No, I’ve not heard of it.’
As they ate, Jesse told Minnie how he and his daughter had run around rooms of light displays and optical illusions at a museum designed by neuroscientists to explore the way the brain interprets reality. Ida had loved pretending to be a giant with Jesse in diminutive form in a monochrome room that looked like it was designed by Bridget Riley.
‘Sounds wonderful!’
‘Yeah it was cool.’ Jesse’s face dropped a little, his smile unconvincing.
Minnie tried to stick a fork in some pea shoots. ‘Wasn’t it?’
‘Oh the museum was. And we had ice cream in Hyde Park.’
‘What went wrong?’
The greyness that swept over Jesse’s face said it all.
‘It ending?’ Minnie suggested carefully.
He nodded.
‘You just have this pit of dread in your stomach all weekend, like a countdown timer, and although I shouldn’t even think about that on a Friday night or Saturday, and I know I should live in the moment, I can’t. And I don’t want my feelings to filter through, but they do, so… so Ida feels this dread too.’
‘Oh man.’ Minnie had been desperate to ask what happened with his wife. Was it actually over?
‘Is there no hope of you moving back in?’ she said, acting as hopeful as she could.
Jesse shook his head but couldn’t speak. Minnie wasn’t sure how she felt about it. Terrible for him that his marriage looked over; terrible that a fractal of her felt some relief when she had no right to. She had no personal investment in his marriage, but God she fancied him as she watched him eat.
What the hell happened?
‘So what can you do? Get more time with her?’
Minnie noticed the background music was cranking up a notch with each guest who left. Casual fine dining looked like it was evolving into a traditional Saturday night lock-in.
Jesse shook his head, trying to smile through his lack of ideas.
‘I don’t know. I don’t often have her at Andrew and Elena’s… only on the Friday night if we do, but it doesn’t really work with their twins. It’s their space. I need to get a place for myself, but… you know. I miss our home. I didn’t want to have to be the one to move out.’
Jesse stopped himself from saying more. He was so hideously embarrassed by what had happened. Worse still since he’d discovered an extra layer of deception.
Minnie noticed the stress on our home. This was a guy she would never know as well as his wife knew him. But that was fine, they were just friends.
‘Where does your daughter stay when you do have her?’
‘We do the odd overnight hotel when it’s my weekend.’ Jesse hated that he spoke in terms of my weekend ; in terms of on-and-off parenting . ‘We stayed in the countryside when we went to Whipsnade. We did a night in Brighton last month. I take her out so we’re not treading on anyone’s toes.’
Jesse felt like such a loser, he could barely meet Minnie’s eye.
‘It’s not sustainable.’
‘It’s not! It’s sounds rotten for you.’
Camilla came back and placed two beers on the table and Jesse and Minnie smiled their thanks to her. Jesse wondered how to pay for all this, or whether it was on the house. He felt terrible that he’d only bought rounds of drinks and a basket of fried chicken at Beyoncé Bingo.
‘Can you stay at your flat on the weekends you have her? Is there somewhere your… your ex can go?’
‘That’s what we did last weekend. Hannah went to stay with friends.’
He tried not to sound bitter or loaded.
Minnie looked at him expectantly, as if to say go on.
‘And on Sunday teatime, when Hannah came back and it was time for me to go, it all kicked off. Ida screamed. She was raging. Clinging to me. Hannah thought it would be better if I just ripped off the Band-Aid and went. She was shouting at me to go, which didn’t help. But I couldn’t. Ida was screaming for me.’
Minnie felt sick for him.
‘Oh dear, that sounds awful. What was she screaming?’
‘She was saying, “I love you but if you go I’ll hate you.” She got herself so worked up she was raging. It was hideous.’
‘Uff,’ Minnie exhaled. ‘It sounds it.’
‘I had to put her to bed, hysterical, and just lie with her, to regulate her breathing.’
‘God, Jesse, that sounds traumatic.’
Jesse looked at Minnie across the table, her eyes filled with empathy and sorrow, and gently smiled, a flash of gratitude on his face.
Minnie held his gaze. She wanted to ask him a thousand questions; she thought of Tony and how he might broach them. She wondered if she should broach her new and confusing feelings for Jesse at their next session.
How are we doing?
But this wasn’t about her, this was about him. And Minnie thought Jesse sounded like a wonderful dad; she felt terrible for him.
Jesse spoke as if he’d read her mind.
‘I want to go for full custody.’
Minnie smiled but internally winced. These things didn’t tend to work in the dad’s favour, did they?
‘I’ve been Ida’s primary carer for most of her life. I’m not saying that in a judgy way – it’s the way that worked best for our family. Hannah’s job is demanding, she didn’t want much time off. I could work it easier with…’
Jesse was going to say Lightning Designs, but couldn’t remember if she remembered his name or not. ‘With my company. I used to draw in the evenings and during her naptimes as a baby. My assistant Max could pick up other stuff. Client meetings became a bit easier for me in the Zoom era, but Hannah’s always pretty much needed to be in an office. Her job is more corporate and big finance. Plus she loves the social side of it…’
Jesse cringed internally, remembering the phone call. The sick feeling when he eventually saw his wife with her lover.
‘Well it sounds like you have a good case for full custody then,’ Minnie said hopefully.
Jesse shook his head. ‘I moved out. I think that was a mistake. I should have sat tight.’
‘So what happened?’ Minnie finally found the courage to ask. ‘Why did you move out?’ But a mis-timed cheer distracted them.
‘Yayyyyy! Minnie!’ bellowed Keenan, Hilde’s assistant chef, as he came out of the kitchen, face shiny and eyes alert, relieved to have finished the busiest shift of the week. The Alpine NW1 staff worked hard and they partied hard. He swaggered over to the table, not entirely happy to see his crush eating the food he had prepped with another man.
‘How are ya?’ Keenan’s Irish accent was thick, his face mischievous. He gave Jesse the most cursory of glances.
‘Good thanks.’ Minnie beamed up at him.
‘Special lock-in tonight!’ he said, as he closed the doors on the last of the guests and pulled the window blinds down. ‘Joining us?’ he asked, looking at Minnie and not Jesse. ‘It’s my birthday. Here!’
It’s my dad’s birthday , Jesse thought .
‘Ahhh, I didn’t realise! Keenan, this is Jesse…’
Keenan placed a shot glass in front of Minnie, and reluctantly went to get another for Jesse.
‘There you go, mate,’ he said with disinterest.
‘Thanks.’ Jesse raised his glass and downed the amaretto.
‘Happy birthday!’ Minnie said, standing to hug Keenan. She wrapped both arms around his neck and gave him a tight and hearty hug. She pulled back and put her palms on his cheeks.
‘You don’t look a day over thirty!’ she joked.
‘Fuck off,’ Keenan replied.
Jesse watched as Keenan’s tattooed fingers gripped either side of Minnie’s waist and he felt that maybe it was time to go home.
Half an hour later, the restaurant was bustling again, with Keenan’s friends dropping in to wish him a happy birthday on their circuit of after-work after-parties. Hilde didn’t mind the hedonism and turned a blind eye to drugs, as long as she didn’t see anything untoward going on herself. Minnie was oblivious to it – she had always been scared of drugs and was a happy enough tipsy drunk – and she danced with Keenan and his mates to UK garage while Jesse watched, remembering songs from his first school disco.
Camilla slid in next to him and pulled her ponytail out of its band.
‘Uff, I am tired. How these guys can party like this is beyond me!’ she said through a wholesome smile. She took a swig from her bottle of beer.
If Camilla felt old, Jesse felt older, creepy even, as he took a sip from a small tumbler of craft beer, which didn’t sit well on top of all the cocktails and amaretto, as he and Camilla watched Minnie and Keenan in the centre of the restaurant. The life and soul. Surely none of this lot remembered this music from the first time around?
‘Hey, can I just tap and pay for what Minnie and I had?’ Jesse asked Camilla. ‘I need to go…’
‘Oh that’s not necessary, I think Minnie comes in a lot and finishes up.’ Camilla laughed. ‘Like, whatever’s left in the kitchen.’
Jesse wasn’t sure.
‘At least let me get the drinks.’ He handed his card over the table between them. ‘Can you just tap like a hundred?’ Jesse asked. He had a feeling this might be the last time he saw Minnie. ‘I don’t want to take the piss.’
‘Hmmm, well, if you’re sure…’ Camilla said in Scandi-sounding English. She got up and went to the terminal behind the small bar while Jesse watched Minnie, laughing as she danced. Her infectious, wonderful, intriguing laugh. How relaxed she seemed. He couldn’t remember seeing Hannah laugh so wholeheartedly in a long time. He couldn’t remember Hannah laughing like that at all come to think of it. While Minnie’s laugh lifted him, he was being brought down by something he knew he had no right to feel. He didn’t like the way Keenan’s hand rested on Minnie’s lower back as he leaned over her to whisper something into her ear; Jesse didn’t like how it agitated him.
The cocktails felt like they were curdling under the beer in his stomach. He couldn’t feel sick tomorrow. Tomorrow was Father’s Day and he had a bonus couple of hours with Ida for the occasion.
Time to go.
Beyond the dancing he saw Hilde shoot him a look through the people in the middle of the room. She was drinking what looked like neat whisky or dark rum, and she raised her glass to Jesse, giving him a sympathetic smile. Jesse could tell Hilde felt sorry for him.
I’m such a loser.
He looked back at Minnie and Keenan grinding. Camilla returned with his bank card.
Beyoncé came on the playlist, ‘Alien Superstar’, as Jesse picked up his jacket and tentatively shuffled to the makeshift dance floor. He wasn’t the type to leave without saying goodbye.
‘Eyyyy!’ Minnie cheered, looking for Jesse, but he wasn’t at the table any more. She spun around again, not noticing he was making his way into the crowd.
‘Hey!’ Jesse struggled to get Minnie’s attention as her back was to him and Keenan’s shoulder was doing its best to block him.
Why the fuck am I getting sucked into this?
‘Hey!’ he said louder, towards Minnie’s ear. ‘Hey, look, I’m gonna go!’
Minnie turned around sharply and pressed her palm onto his navel.
‘What?’
‘I’m gonna go, I’ve got loads on tomorrow.’
‘On a Sunday?’
‘Yeah. It’s Father’s Day.’
Jesse didn’t want to admit he was mostly free tomorrow. He could see his daughter for a couple of hours, special dispensation, and then he would be sketching. He didn’t want to admit that he had no interest in watching a young, free, single woman he had no right to feel jealous over, or intention of falling for, dancing with a young, free, single (ripped) guy he had no right to feel envious of. He needed to go back to West Hampstead and google his legal rights as a dad who might want custody. He needed to plan what he was going to say in what was going to be a very difficult conversation with Hannah, which he would leave until after Father’s Day, so as not to make it harder.
‘But I haven’t shown you my lick lick lick…’
Minnie looked at Jesse in the dim, red and pink lights of Alpine NW1, almost provocatively, holding his gaze, her tongue poised. To Jesse it felt like a punch in the chest.
‘What?’
‘Or my kitty-kat crawl.’
‘Eh?’
‘My Beyoncé moves!’
‘Oh yeah.’ Jesse gave a half-hearted smile. ‘I have to go. Sorry. You’ll get home safe, yeah?’
‘Yeah, I’m just up the road, I’ll go when Hilde goes.’
‘Great stuff,’ Jesse said functionally, as he kissed her on each cheek and turned away.
Minnie studied him in the melee and the darkness. This wasn’t the way either of them had wanted the evening to end. A tense and sudden goodbye while the dancing around them intensified. Minnie grabbed Jesse’s hand before he slipped away and he stopped and turned around. She pulled herself into him, an anchor, as she steadied her restless legs.
‘Why don’t you come with me?’ she said, almost nervously, to his neck, her hand still clutching his, sparks of electricity no scientist could explain shooting between them. He paused and looked down at her. He felt a longing he didn’t like.
‘What?’
‘Why don’t you come with me? To Paris? Thursday week. Just for the day. You can go to the zoo while I do my audition?’
Jesse was a little bewildered. Through the cocktails and the beer and the fog clouding his brain, he tried to think. Ida. Work. Max. He could see Keenan looming behind Minnie. Jesse was tall and strong, but something about Keenan’s youth, his energy, his intoxication, made him seem like a behemoth.
‘Erm, I dunno, I’d need to che?—’
‘Great! I’m booked on the first train out of St Pancras. See you there?’
Jesse leaned in, kissed Minnie’s cheek once this time, and left, as he heard Keenan bellowing over Beyoncé.