Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cameron
Our non-date lunch date extended into the evening with take-out pizza and a movie on Netflix. And I didn’t want to leave.
Rylee had fallen asleep on my shoulder, so I’d pulled the blanket up to cover her before wrapping my arms around her and settling in. I knew she’d complain we were breaking another rule, but I didn’t care. It felt too good, having her back in my arms.
Why couldn’t she admit this was where she belonged?
I saw the way she looked at me. It was the same way I looked at her. Like every second it was getting harder to fight the urge to kiss. To fall back into bed together. To admit we were still in love with each other.
My hand drifted to her stomach and she snuggled closer.
I’d always been protective of the people I cared about.
Hell, in my line of work, I felt protective of strangers.
But this was different. This territorial instinct…
never wanting to leave her side. The certainty I’d lay down my life for Rylee or our baby, that was new for me.
And I didn’t know what the hell to do with those feelings.
If we were still a couple, I’d hit one knee, ring in hand, and beg her to marry me before our baby was born. But I couldn’t do that while she was still keeping me at arm’s length.
Her hand covered mine as a soft sigh escaped, putting the squeeze on my heart. This girl. I thought I’d loved her before, but now that she was carrying my child, love couldn’t even describe my feelings for her.
I kissed her temple, fighting the urge to whisper my confession in her ear, just to see how she would react. Would she throw me out… or turn into my arms and kiss me, admitting she felt it too?
Could I risk it?
Her long eyelashes fluttered before she tipped her head back, looking at me. “Oh, hey.” She tried to shift out of my arms, but I wouldn’t let her. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you. I swear, I can fall asleep standing up these days.”
It was getting late. Dark had descended hours ago, wrapping us in this cozy cocoon that felt perfect for secrets and confessions.
“Don’t apologize.” I leaned in, kissing her cheek. Testing the waters. “I love watching all your worries fall away when you sleep.”
She was drawing circles on the back of my hand when she said, “I’ve never slept better than I did in your arms. I miss that.”
I closed my eyes, wrestling with the urge to beg her for one more chance to do this right.
“I miss that too, Ry. I miss everything about us.”
“How is it we were together such a short time, yet you carved your memory into me?”
Since I couldn’t match this songbird’s words with anything as poetic, I said, “Maybe it’s because we’re soul mates.”
“Twin flames,” she whispered.
“What?”
“Twin flames,” she repeated. “In spiritual circles, it’s believed one soul is split into two bodies.”
“You really believe that?”
She laughed. “I heard about it from a girl who was in my band. She was a little woo-woo, to say the least. But when she talked about this twin flames thing, I was curious, so I had to look it up.”
I was a practical guy, but now she’d piqued my curiosity. “And?”
“Twin flames are said to be mirrors of each other. Perfect opposites and perfect reflections.”
“Interesting.” I threaded her free hand through mine, feeling an inexplicable need to hear more. “Go on.”
“When twin flames meet it’s usually really intense, magnetic, even. And transformative for both people.”
I couldn’t explain why, but my heart was beating a little faster. “Hmm.”
She was speaking softly, when she said, “Sometimes it’s even painful, because they force each other to face their deepest wounds and grow.”
“Really?”
I knew trust was one of Rylee’s core wounds.
And her relationship with me had definitely put that to the test, but had she grown as a result of being with me?
I hoped so. I had no doubt I had. Because trust was one of my biggest issues too, but thanks to Rylee, I was willing to let go of the past and give her my heart. If she’d have it.
“Yeah, so in the twin flames journey, it’s different than soul mates. It starts with a recognition, like you know someone, even when you don’t. Then there’s this deep connection, bordering on obsession, that doesn’t even make sense.”
I chuckled. “Sounds familiar.”
“Yeah, and that’s followed by a separation phase, usually because one of the two people is scared away by the intensity of their feelings.”
“Understandable.” This was blowing my mind. If this was even a thing, she could have been describing us. “You said there’s a separation phase? What happens next?”
“There’s a surrender or a healing. And both people in the relationship have to release control and focus on self-growth.”
“Hmm, so the relationship just ends?” Damn, that wasn’t the happy ending I was hoping for.
“Sometimes,” she conceded, now drawing hearts on my hand with her fingertip. “Even if they do separate, they remain spiritually connected. But if they get back together, once they’ve healed, the relationship is usually calmer and more harmonious.”
“Wow,” I teased. “You know a lot about this stuff.”
“Just since I met you,” she admitted. “I remembered what Kristin told me about it, and when we broke up, I sort of took a deep-dive into it because there were parallels that I couldn’t ignore.”
“So, you believe this?” I was starting to, because I’d never been able to logically explain the intensity of my feelings for this woman. Or how my emotions trumped sanity where she was concerned.
“It’s hard to deny, don’t you think?”
“Uh yeah, I do.”
“Pregnancy is said to be a bridge between twin flames.” She tipped her head to look at me. “And the babies of twin flames are usually old souls.”
My smile was soft as my eyes met hers. “I like that.”
“I do too.” She pinched her lips together. “Creatives, like me, are supposed to be a little out there. But you’re the grounded, practical one. So, do you think I’m crazy for thinking this is even possible?”
“I think…” I brushed the back of my hand over her cheek as a soul-deep connection lent validity to everything she said.
“It makes sense of something that made no sense to me. I didn’t know how I could love you this much, this fast. I didn’t know how the hell it could feel like I’d known you forever after such a short time.
Or why I felt like I lost a part of myself when I had to let you go. ”
A tear slipped down her cheek when she said, “God, I felt exactly the same way. Isn’t that crazy?”
“This whole thing is a little crazy.” I leaned in to kiss her, feeling all of the doubt and fear I’d had vanish. “But it also makes perfect sense.”
She shifted, staring into my eyes before climbing into my lap, straddling me.
“I don’t know what to do with all these feelings I’m having for you.
” She leaned her forehead against mine. “It’s confusing.
You’re the father of my child and I know we should have clear-cut boundaries, but nothing’s clear when you’re around.
When we’re apart, I tell myself we can do this.
We can co-parent. Keep our hands off each other—”
“Is that what you want?”
She framed my face with her hands. “When you’re this close? No, that’s not what I want.”
“Why do we need rules or boundaries?” My hands were resting on her hips and I wanted to pull her even closer. “Why can’t we just give ourselves permission to do what feels right? Agree not to read too much into it and—”
“I grew up with a mom who ‘just went with it’ remember?” she asked, making air quotes around the words. “I won’t do that to our baby. I want him or her to feel safe and secure. To know we’ll always love them, and be there for them, even if we’re not a family, in the traditional sense.”
I wanted more than anything to give this woman the family she’d never had, or even known she wanted. I wanted to show her what it meant to be with a man who stayed when things got hard.
“So, we just go with it until our baby is born,” I suggested, tipping her chin, forcing her to look me in the eye. “That should give us plenty of time to figure this thing out.”
“I’m scared,” she whispered. “You broke my heart before. How do I know you won’t do it again?”
Her raw vulnerability cracked my heart wide open. “I can’t ask you to trust me, Ry.” I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, before resting my hand against her cheek. “Trust is earned. The proof that you can trust me will add up, one day at a time. If you’ll let it.”
“What would this even look like?” she asked, tipping her head to study me.
“No labels, just doing what feels right.” I let that sink in before I added, “Kissing when it feels right.” I let my gaze linger on her lips.
“Making love if that’s what we want to do.
Calling me in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep.
Asking me to spend the weekend when you don’t want to be alone. ”
“That sounds a lot like a relationship. It sounds like what we had.”
I couldn’t deny I wanted that back more than anything, but I didn’t feel I’d earned it. Rylee deserved a guy who would fight for her, and I hadn’t. I deserved to suffer for that.
“It’s whatever you want it to be. And when our baby is born, if you just want to go on being friends, I’m okay with that too.” It would kill me, but I’d rather be her friend, the father of her baby, than not be in her life at all.
“And if I want more?” she whispered, leaning in to tease my lips with hers. “If I want you in my bed every night? If I want you with me and our baby all the time?” She deepened the kiss. “If I can’t get enough of you?”
“Then I’ll be here.”
I couldn’t stop kissing her, even though I’d just offered to upend my life if that’s what she wanted me to do. But I’d be upending my life to be a dad. To be her man. And that meant more to me than any job, or any title ever would.