Chapter 8
“First kisses should be one of the most magical experiences.
My first kiss, though?
It was a curse.
Because it made me crave things I’d never have and ruined me for anyone else.”
Jimena
From Jimena’s emails to Florian…
Hi Florian!
It’s almost March right now, which means…it’s been three months since I saw you last.
I’m still wearing the bracelet you made specifically for me, the emeralds always send colorful squares on the marble floor and glisten under the sunlight, their beauty so mesmerizing it reminds me of your eyes.
Thank you for keeping up our Christmas tradition (where you design something for me, and it’s always the first gift I receive in the early morning). You started it when Santiago wasn’t even around to cheer me up because my parents refused to celebrate Christmas without him…so you came up with the celebration just for the two of us.
All your gifts are tucked neatly in my glass box in my wardrobe, and each is so beautiful and detailed, my heart always warms from the memories.
Thank you so much for being there for me, Florian. The older I become…the more I appreciate it all.
How is your master’s degree going? Are you enjoying your semester abroad in Switzerland? According to all the newspapers, you are.
However, it brings me to another question I wanted to ask you because everyone else in my life just brushes off my concerns.
I’ve recently decided to read the Iliad by Homer to better understand Helen of Troy in order to see why my parents would name me after her. And well…I still don’t get it.
The woman constantly caused trouble through her entire life, and her love story is not even tragic. It’s just selfish.
Their love caused two royal dynasties (well, not sure what I’m supposed to call them all?) to fight against each other, and Troy lost everything.
I mean, Paris is to blame as well, but Helen owed her husband and country her loyalty, right?
Try as I might, I couldn’t find one redeeming quality about her and somehow got even angry with my parents for naming me in her honor.
So many great female characters to choose from.
Penelope. Odysseus’s faithful wife who waited for his return for twenty years (still salty about the fact he cheated on her, though, but whatever).
Briseis. A woman who lost a lot but still found a way to love Achilles and have a son with him.
Andromache. Hector’s wife who stood with him through everything and supported him, forever losing her happiness once he died.
Even Cassandra, Paris and Hector’s sister. She might have gotten a gift from Apollo to see the future, but it was a curse since no one ever believed her prophecies (a punishment because she refused to sleep with the said god).
All these female characters were strong in their own way and dealt with all the bad stuff that life threw their way.
Helen, though?
She was the cause of all these troubles, and she lost absolutely nothing. How strongly could she have loved Paris if she went back to Menelaus when he died?
Mom loves to say that Santiago reminds her of Achilles, who is always in search of glory and chaos as his soul doesn’t want peace.
It just searches for an outlet to his rage.
So once again, he’s the bravest and strongest of warriors, and I’m just a selfish and self-centered character who never considers anyone’s feelings but my own.
Maybe that’s why I made it my mission to become the exact opposite of her.
So tell me, Florian.
Can a love that causes destruction and threatens your legacy be worthy of pursuing?
From Florian’s emails to Jimena…
Helen of Troy.
A woman legendary for her beauty that attracted all the men and made them lose their minds, wanting to have her.
But how many people looked beneath the facade to see the real woman hiding underneath it?
She was a symbol. A token that Menelaus won fair and square and made all other suitors for her hand take an oath to help him should she ever be kidnapped from him.
Even Goddess Aphrodite promised her to Paris. It’s not like Helen was parading around trying to seduce the Trojan prince. There are still debates about whether he abducted her or she went with him willingly, not that it matters on the grand scale of things.
The result is what started one of the most legendary wars.
But let’s go with the second theory for a second and say she chose Paris herself.
Most of society sees it as selfish, disloyal, and cruel since the war killed so many people (I believe people blamed Helen for all this too and never Paris).
But I wonder…
What kind of bravery must one have to finally choose themselves? To fight for a love no one understands or accepts.
The tragedy of their love story is not the fact that it started a war.
The tragedy of their love story is the fact that it was constantly invalidated by everyone (still is years later).
I don’t see Helen as selfish for loving Paris.
I see her as someone who fell in love and got punished for it, painted as a villain in a story where men decided her fate and announced wars left and right.
She was an outlet for everyone’s rage and took it because she deserved it, right?
You know why your parents named you after her?
Helen was a survivor; no matter what life threw her way…she survived.
Strength is not always about fighting back. Strength is sometimes about getting up after being knocked down or still holding on to something, even if everyone judges you for it.
There is a reason your mom sees Santiago as Achilles and you as Helen.
After the grief she’s experienced, she wants her children to be strong and brave so you can withstand everything.
We don’t live in a myth, and it means very little, but since it bothers you, think about that.
As for your other question about love…
Love is a beautiful emotion, princess, and I hope you will experience it one day.
However, it’s not for me.
Because love is a weapon that can and will be used against you, and I refuse to give anyone such power over me.
Everything has a price.
Living in the darkness as well.
Jimena
“This is such a terrible idea,” I mutter under my breath when the cabbie driver parks the car in front of my brother’s club, and Luna rolls her eyes, pulling at her short dress. She quickly changed into it once we sneaked away from the party and ordered us a cab in secret, running away from the back door.
When I questioned her why we were acting like fifteen-year-olds who went behind their parents’ backs somewhere, she just shrugged and laughed, claiming it was more fun this way.
I disagree because even a twenty-minute drive here didn’t calm my nerves or what I’m about to do.
There aren’t many things my brother forbids me from doing. Okay, well, that’s a lie. He forbids me plenty, but usually, it has to do with my safety or protection. He’s all about us exploring our wilder sides and doing whatever we want, and he doesn’t appreciate anyone, our parents included, to limit my freedom because, according to him, if I don’t find the freedom at home, I will seek it elsewhere.
My brother, everyone, a psychologist in disguise.
However, one place was off-limits for me, and he has been firm on that from the beginning.
Their club.
No matter how much I pleaded about the unfair ban, he didn’t budge and promised me there would be consequences if I went against his word, so I had no choice but to follow the rules.
Luna fishes inside her bag and takes out a hundred-dollar bill, giving it to the cabbie. “Thank you.” She gets out of the car, and I quickly follow, sending the cabbie a brief smile on the way. “I can’t believe we’re finally here!”
A light breeze nips at my skin, skimming the skirt of my dress over my legs while I observe various people stuck in the long line, wearing different designer clothes as bouncers check invitations and either let them in or send them home. The anticipation written all over these people’s faces should tell me everything I need to know.
The rumors are true, and well…I once heard a girl fainted when they refused her and then begged on her knees to get in, which kind of made the news. Truth be told, what kind of shit do they do in there that they managed to earn such a reaction from the girl?
I wince inwardly, discomfort rushing through me at the thought of them turning me down, or worse. My face ending up on the tabloids when I’m kicked out of my brother’s club. “I wish I could share your excitement, but we’re going to get in so much trouble for this. It sort of sours my mood.”
Luna presses the golden envelope to her chest and hooks her arm with mine, dragging me toward the entrance, and drops her voice to a whisper. “Stop being so grumpy, or you’ll blow our covers.”
Another thing that fills me with nervousness and paints rather depressing images in my head?
It’s the stupid wigs my best friend made us wear so we can fly under the radar, and while she got a dark one, my fiery-red one draws attention to me.
It’s silky, long, and wavy, and transforms me into this curvy creature with my blue eyes standing out against my complexion.
I feel ridiculous in it and constantly touch it to make sure it’s still on my head. I changed into a black dress as well.
“I hope it’s worth it.”
“What the hell happened to you, Jimena? You used to love our constant antics, but these past few years, you’ve just become…”
“Boring?”
“I didn’t want to use that word, but yes. Girl, you’ve done some crazy-ass shit with me.” She laughs as we walk toward the entrance, our heels clicking on the asphalt. “Remember how we used fake IDs and got into a club where Remi has his illegal fights with assholes? We saw some wild stuff before they dragged us out.”
Yeah, it was fun for exactly fifteen minutes before Octavius busted our asses and told us calmly to get out before he said something to Santiago or Vincent.
Count on him to always give you choices, even if you hate every single one of them.
“I guess I’m growing up.”
“Yet you still can’t lie for shit.” She gives me a knowing look that promises me an interrogation in the near future because my best friend apparently has had enough of my moping around. Truth be told, I’m tired myself from acting this way and would like to get the old Jimena back. She was way more fun and less depressed over the things she could never have. “Hi.” She greets the guards as we step in front of them.
One of the bouncers, a beefy guy wearing all black, frowns at her and lifts his chin. “End of the line.” His voice leaves no room for argument, and I’m ready to listen to it, but Luna stands still. “Don’t make me repeat myself.”
My friend smiles brightly at him, making the guy blink in surprise as she extends her golden envelope to him. “I believe this VIP invitation speaks for itself. No queues for us.”
He scans it for several beats and barks, “John.” The other guy removes the rope. “Welcome to the club, ladies.”
“Thank you,” I barely say as Luna pulls me inside. “How did you get the VIP invitation?” I might act like I don’t care about all this, but I’ve heard the rumors floating around about the place. From questioning behavior to exclusive passes, to get inside here you have to know someone. And VIP?
You’d have to be a Greek god himself, no less.
“I have my ways.”
“In other words, you stole it.”
“Since you’re related to one of the owners, I choose to stay silent.”
“That’s so—”
I snap my mouth shut when we reach the end of the hallway, and the hostess greets us, her brow raised. She’s elegant and sophisticated with her blonde hair pulled in ponytail, standing behind her desk. “Good evening, ladies.” She picks up the invitation and types something on her computer. “Welcome.” She runs her gaze over us. “Where are your masks?”
“Masks?” I ask in confusion.
“Once a month, our club has a special theme night. Tonight happens to be the masquerade ball. It was mentioned on the invitations. You must have missed it when you received it.”
“Yes. We sure did.”
“I’m afraid without a mask, you can’t get in. That’s also one of the rules mentioned.” She curves her lips in a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and coldness emits from her. “You need to read them more carefully next time around.”
“I guess we should,” Luna says, disappointment dripping from her in spades. Judging by Samantha’s stance, she won’t let us in and already suspects something is wrong with the invitation.
My best friend was really excited about this too, and I’m not sure what’s going on with her guardian, but it must be huge if she succumbed to this kind of trickery to raise his hackles.
The guy tracks her every move, so I’m positive he’ll show up to get her any minute now.
Well, then.
Rolling my shoulders back, I decide to finally snap out of my stupor that lasted way too long and claim back the person I’ve always been.
Someone brave and not nursing a broken heart because her brother’s best friend rejected her.
Unrequited love is not a good enough reason to become a boring doormat.
“Samantha, let me reintroduce myself to you.” Luna freezes next to me while Sam just blinks. “My name is Jimena Cortez. And as you probably guessed by my last name, Santiago is my brother.” More intense blinking. “He told me about the masquerade ball, but he just said to wear a costume.” I tap on my head. “We have wigs. We had no idea we needed masks.”
Luna groans, clearly thinking I’ve lost my mind to come clean like this while Sam finally mutters, “I see.”
“But I’m sure you have some masks lying around just in case someone forgets.” Knowing the dark four, they’d have that option available so their guests can pay even more money to get inside. I won’t be surprised to discover the masks cost an extra million or something. “Can we have those?”
“I don’t think—”
Before she can protest some more, I take out my phone from my pocket, scrolling through the pictures and showing one of them to her. “This is tonight during my parents’ anniversary party.” Her eyes widen. “So I’m not lying.” I drum on the counter, hating to use my position to get what I want, but hey! Live wild and all that, plus what I’m about to do won’t get her in trouble anyway.
The dark four never blame their employees unless one of them has ill intentions or betrays them.
“Santiago didn’t mention anything about you.”
“You can check if my name is on your banned list. Otherwise, why would he mention my name?” I muster up all the confusion I can master, and I have to give her credit. She indeed starts typing and checking my name, it seems. “Nothing?”
“No. Your name is not on it.”
Of course it’s not. My brother would have never put my name on such a list.
She sighs heavily and shakes her head. “I hope you’re not going to get me into trouble, Jimena. Your brother is not the forgiving type.” She reaches under the counter, grabs something, and places two black masks in front of us. “Wear those, and I’ll walk you inside.”
“Don’t worry. No matter what happens, my brother won’t say a word to you.”
For the first time, I see softness in her gaze that she quickly loses. “Either way, it promises to be entertaining.”
Since she goes around the counter despite heavy footsteps following us, announcing new guests arrival, we pick up the masks and put them on. A shiver rushes down my spine at the touch of silk gliding over my skin, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
Even the simple masks make you think about sinful thoughts. I can hardly wait to look inside. For all my bitching earlier, the rumors drove my curious nature crazy over the years, so I allow for the excitement to wash through me, and Luna jumps up in joy. “This is going to be epic.”
“Yeah. Let’s enjoy our five minutes of freedom to the max.” She laughs at my sarcasm, but she shouldn’t because, knowing my brother, he’ll find out about us soon.
We follow Sam as she navigates through the hallway and pushes at the doors. My eyes widen the minute we enter. I drink in the environment around us, and my jaw drops open at the couples on the dance floor practically dry humping each other as they kiss passionately.
Although my initial shock is replaced with an even bigger one when I spot threesomes and foursomes in the different corners, masked strangers engaging in the most carnal things, and my cheeks heat just from looking at them.
What is it like to just be so open and free with your mind and body, to focus only on the pleasure and not think about who might see them?
The feeling must be glorious, and the curious part within me is jealous because I know I won’t ever reach this level of…acceptance? When it comes to myself.
“Is this a…six-some?” Luna shakes my arm and points with her chin at the far-right corner behind the bar, where we see a woman with five men surrounding her.
“I don’t think there is such a thing as a six-some? Or it’s not called like that.”
She frowns. “Okay, then what do they call it?”
“Group sex?” This is why maybe two virgins shouldn’t go to secret clubs high on sex as even the air is filled with wicked desires while the scent of alcohol and tobacco twitches my nose. “Either way, she seems to be having fun.”
The woman in question is pressed against the wall, moaning, judging by her open mouth as two men kiss her neck. The other two play with her breasts while the last one wraps her legs around his waist. And I can’t believe I’m still staring, but like I said…
Curious virgin and all that. While I watched porn on occasion and know about sex in theory, it’s a whole other thing to actually witness it live.
Luna halts her movements as we stare some more, and she leans closer to me, asking, “Where do all the dicks go?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, I know where three go. But what about the other two?”
I blink several times as the group lifts her dress, and she arches her back, giving them better access to her body until finally, someone kisses her hard, and she laces her fingers in his hair. “She has two hands, I guess.” The minute the words slip from my lips, though, we see two guys kiss, and we both exclaim, “Oh.”
“Ladies, let’s move.” Sam’s amused voice pulls us back to the present, and we continue to trail her, pushing through the partying bodies that seem to jump away at the sight of Sam. I’ve heard the hostess rules this place, and if you get on her bad side, you won’t step foot in here again. “We have some VIP rooms upstairs, but I figured since it’s your first time, you’d want to sit on the first floor. You get much better shows here.” She winks at us, and I grin at her, instantly liking her.
“Sounds great,” we both say just as we finally reach one of the tables, and she taps on it as we sit inside the booth, the soft cushions practically swallowing my ass.
“Whenever you’re ready to make an order, press here.” She points at the light button. “If there is any trouble, let me know right away.” A beat passes as we nod, and she holds my stare. “I know you’re here without your brother’s permission, but I won’t say anything to him. I can’t control him, though, so have all the fun while you can.” She pats my shoulder, and before I can thank her, she disappears into the crowd, leaving us alone as the music booms through the air.
“Samantha seems to be a girl’s girl.” Luna sighs in wonder, and I shake my head at her, reaching for the tablet lying on the table and scrolling through the menu and drinks. “You know this might be the wildest thing we’ve ever done.”
“This just makes our lives sound boring and pathetic.” She smirks. “So tell me why we’re here.” Her brows furrow as I press the button, ready to make an order. “You’re testing Vincent’s patience, and I want to know why.”
Her eyes narrow. “Oh, so that’s how it is? Then you’re avoiding Florian like the plague, and I’d like to know why.”
We have a major stare-off as tension fills the air because lying to your best friend is an unbearable chore. They should be your sounding board, and instead, you end up bottling up all the emotions inside without any reprieve from their sharp thorns.
A server appears next to us, interrupting our silent battle, and I look at the young man grinning at us. “Hello. Would you like to order something?”
“Yes. I’d like some pistachio ice cream and coffee, please.”
He nods and turns his attention to Luna. “I’d like a chocolate cake and green tea.”
“I’ll have it ready right away.” He dashes away while we both sigh.
Finally, I gather all the courage in my fist and speak up just as she does the same.
“I kissed Florian.”
“I kissed Vincent.”
We blink at each other, rearing our heads back, and I hiss, “You kissed your guardian?”
She huffs in expression. “You kissed your brother’s best friend?”
“Touché.” I groan. “This is such a mess. How did it happen?”
“We had an argument, and then one thing led to another, so I kissed him and screwed up everything.”
My heart squeezes in my chest at the anguish in her tone, and I grab her hand. “I’m familiar with the feeling.”
“He just became obsessed. I can’t breathe without him surrounding me.” I freeze at this, but my friend seems oblivious to the fact, spilling more of her secrets. “He controls my every move and expects us to be together. As if it’s his given right. It’s annoying, but instead of punching him, I want to kiss him.” She covers her face and sighs. “Our secret relationship is forbidden, and if someone finds out about it…they’d keep saying nasty shit, and I don’t want that. This is so confusing to me, and he keeps pushing, so I figured, why not push him as well?” She leans back in the booth and swirls her finger in the air. “That’s why I came here. He needs to know he doesn’t call all the shots between us even though he seems to have all the power.” That’s when our server comes back, placing our order on the table. “Thank you,” she says to him, and he nods once again. He throws a concerned stare my way, so I quickly mask my expression.
How obvious do I have to be for a server to figure out I’m in pain?
Jealousy must be written all over my features because my best friend kissed someone, and the man wants everything from her while I…
“Earth to Jimena.” I blink, realizing Luna is waving her hand in front of me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Just a little bit shocked you’ve been in a relationship…for how long?” I pick up the spoon, dip it into my ice cream, and lift it to my mouth, the sweet taste doing nothing to wash away the bitterness stuck in my throat.
Not my proudest emotion, but at least I don’t hide from it. My best friend gambled and won while I lost everything.
I’m happy for her, but I’d like to have a minute to be sad for myself.
We are allowed to grieve for a moment to mourn our lost hopes while still feeling proud of our friends and their accomplishments.
“Almost a year. We kissed on Christmas last year.” My hold on the spoon tightens, and I dip it again, munching on my ice cream. They even kissed on the same day as we did! “I wanted to tell you, but there never seemed to be a perfect time. Then you ran away to Europe, and it became an even bigger secret.” A beat passes as she grabs her fork and burrows it in her cake. “What about you and Florian?”
“I understand. I’m not mad or anything.” I wrap my hand around the steaming coffee and take a tentative sip. “There is no me and Florian. I confessed to him and kissed him while he pushed me away and basically told me to get lost. It’s been awkward between us since then, and it’s why I avoided coming home. I should have never done it.”
“Babe, I’m sorry.” She touches my hand, but I gently slide it away. “I had no idea. You must have been devastated. You’ve crushed on this guy since you were fifteen.” Red colors her cheeks. “And here I’m—”
“Stop.” She stills at my harsh tone, so I quickly soften it. “It’s no one’s fault, and I’m sure with time we’ll all be okay. I’m super happy for you, though, and want to hear all the details.”
“I’m a ward who lost her virginity to her guardian. I’m a textbook case, babe.”
“Well, at least you didn’t try to start something with a man who practically raised you, where the whole world considers him your brother, even though you feel anything but brotherly love toward him.”
We clink our mugs together and take a sip just as the music changes to a faster yet sensual tune, sending prickling sensations down my spine, and I perk up. “Oh my God. I love this song.” Placing my mug on the table, I grab Luna’s hand, pulling her toward the dance floor while she barely has time to chew her piece of cake. “Let’s dance.”
Dancing and playing the harp have always been my passions. Listening to music does something to my insides, and I love letting go and allowing my body to move however it wants. It clears my head like nothing else, and right now, while my wounds are still fresh and hurting more than ever with all the newfound knowledge about my friend’s private life, dancing is my only cure.
“I can’t move for shit,” Luna hisses but still goes with me as we slowly immerse ourselves in the masked crowd, starting to dance in tune with the music while Luna just shakes her arms up and down in a weird manner. “If my awkward moves get on socials, I’m blaming you.”
“No footage allowed, per club policy,” I shout back at her as we move farther and farther into the dance floor until we’re right in the middle, dancing with all the people around us as our hips shake to the fast beat and heels tap on the floor.
For a moment in time, nothing else but this exists. The heavy breathing, the scent of expensive colognes, and the sweat mingling with alcohol while the loud music consumes my entire being with hard bodies pressed to us from every corner, yet none of those touches makes me uncomfortable.
Everyone is lost in sensations, and I take a deep breath, welcoming the freedom tingling my insides and serving as a soothing blanket over all my scars that might bleed, but I’ll be okay.
My nirvana doesn’t last long because my eyes snap open when my friend shrieks, “What are you doing here?” I see Vincent sneaking up on her from behind and spinning her around. “Let go of me!” she shouts, but he just smirks, dips down, and throws her over his shoulder. “Vincent!” she exclaims as he moves toward the stairs, clearly heading to a VIP room on the second floor. She catches my gaze. “I’ll be back, Jimena.”
Yeah, somehow, I don’t think so.
I grew up around obsessed men who adore their women, and Vincent displays the same character traits, so my friend won’t be available for the foreseeable future.
I ignore the sense of sadness and, once again, the stupid jealousy that’s so embarrassing and wrong, and continue to dance. However, I bump into a hard chest, and for some reason, a zap of electricity rushes through me, awakening every hair on my body.
I swiftly turn around, only to gasp when my eyes collide with cold and curious emerald ones. He wraps his arm around my waist, bringing me closer to him, and the air hitches in my throat. “Hi, darling. Are you lost?”
His voice is akin to silk, gliding over me and squeezing my insides even tighter while thousands of emotions travel through my veins, each one crazier than the other, while only two thoughts remain in my head.
Florian found me.
And he clearly has no idea who I am if he’s using all his charms and that seductive tone of his.
Oh God.
What am I going to do now?