Chapter 29
ELLIE
Sniffling, I wiped the tears from my eyes that refused to stay hidden. He was gone, had walked out of my life for good.
And the only person I had to blame was myself.
I tried desperately not to fall for him. I told myself over and over again that this was only sex. But none of that mattered. Not when he was absolutely perfect aside from one minor flaw.
Okay, it was pretty damn major, but to me, Ryder was perfect.
He just didn’t love me the way I was falling helplessly for him.
“Ugh,” I groaned, wiping at my face, only to come away with a large streak of black mascara. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I shouted.
Admittedly, I should have known it that first night I saw him in the bar. Men like him don’t change. Maybe he wasn’t the same obnoxious kid I knew from school, but just like then, he couldn’t admit that he liked me.
The sex was amazing. The conversation never-ending. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say that he liked me and wanted to be with me.
Story of my life.
When would any man ever admit to desiring a woman like me? Ryder was the one person who never made me feel like I was fat or undesirable. He made love to me as if I was the only thing in this world he craved.
So why couldn’t he just say that?
Snagging yet another Kleenex, I blew what remained inside my nose and tossed it in the garbage.
Sniffling back the tears, I got to my feet and stumbled over to the mirror.
Looking back at me was some pathetic mirage of a woman I used to recognize.
She used to be more confident, less reliant on a man.
And she needed to come back.
Enough of this foolish need to impress Ryder. He chose to walk away because his pride wouldn’t allow him to admit that he loved me, too. I didn’t understand why, and frankly, none of it mattered. He was out of my life, and it was time to move on with mine.
Enough crying. Enough feeling sorry for myself. A week of moping around, acting like my life was over, was enough to depress even the happiest person on the planet.
I refused to think of him anymore, to remember the good times when it was all twisted in lies and wrapped in a pretty bow.
Ryder Lawson was a coward.
And Ellie May didn’t need that in her life.
I rolled my eyes and got in the shower, turning the water extra hot to wash away the tears and bad decisions.
And of course, the incorrect grammar. Never in my life had I referred to myself in the third person, and I wasn’t ever doing it again.
After showering and dressing in the most spirited dress I could find, I applied my makeup, feeling for the first time in a week a little more like myself.
“Perfect,” I grinned, tossing my lipstick into my purse.
Grabbing my keys, I headed out, my heels clacking on the sidewalk to my driveway. The smell of freshly cut grass thrilled me, reminding me of the renewal of life even in a place so freaking cold for most of the year.
For the first time in a week, I wasn’t thinking about Ryder or the way he made my vagina feel.
Well, at least for five seconds.
“Ellie.”
His voice stopped me cold, the smile on my face instantly slipping as he stepped off the street and into my driveway.
Dammit, I was so close to perfecting this day. I was going to grab a coffee and take a stroll through town just to remind myself that I didn’t need him by my side for protection against the gossip.
The whole plan was ready to be set in motion.
And then he appeared.
My heart rate kicked up, the blood rushing through my veins heating as I took in his handsome brown eyes and that dark mess of hair on top of his head.
And that damn suit. I sighed internally, wishing I had never seen him in that suit.
He looked so freaking good, and my body wanted to go to him, to let my hands tear that tie from around his throat and lick the column of his neck just as he had done to me so many times.
But that wouldn’t be happening, and I would not allow my body to control any of this interaction.
“What do you want?”
I nearly grumbled under the heated gaze he shot my way. It took all my willpower to ignore the way his eyes roamed over my body, settling on my breasts before continuing south.
My thighs involuntarily clenched just by that one look, and I hated myself a little for it.
“I left something at your house.”
Typical. Of course he left something behind.
He wasn’t here to see me. There was no longing in his eyes other than to fuck me.
And that wasn’t enough to make me wilt like a flower in his arms. Nope, I was made of stronger stuff, and I wasn’t about to fall back into a weeping mess just because I saw him again.
“You still have your key. Go get whatever you need. I’m going to be late.”
“You still have fifteen minutes,” he argued.
“Yes, and none of those fifteen minutes are dedicated to you. Have a nice day, Ryder.”
I opened my door and climbed into my Jeep. Within seconds, I started the vehicle and backed out of the driveway, nearly hitting him when he didn’t move fast enough.
Oops. Perhaps I was allowing my anger to get the best of me. With a honk, I took off down the road, my hands shaking with a mix of rage and need as I drove into town.
“Fuck you, Ryder!” I shouted, banging my fist on the steering wheel.
God, I was so stupid. Of course I didn’t have it all together. I was a mess, just like any other woman who’d been shoved aside by a man.
But that didn’t mean my day had to be ruined. I stopped by The Daily Grind and ordered my coffee, trying to smile the whole time. But something inside of me was torn open, unable to truly grasp the concept of happiness. I knew what it was like to fall for a man now.
And unfortunately, I also knew what it was like to feel the bitter sting of rejection.
As I stormed out of the shop, I slammed right into Ryder’s outstretched arms, nearly spilling my coffee on him. Huffing in irritation, I backed up a step and tried to go around him, but he countered the move, ensuring I couldn’t get past.
“Move out of the way.”
“No.”
“Ryder—”
“We need to talk.”
I barked out a laugh at that. “We already did talk. I don’t think there’s much more to say.”
“This is ridiculous!” he snapped, finally stepping back and giving me the space to escape.
But as I rushed toward my Jeep, he ran around and got in front of me. “What do you want from me, Ellie?”
“Nothing,” I answered calmly. “There’s not a single thing I want from you.”
“My secrets, is that it?”
I spun, nearly slamming into him a second time as he closed in on me, caging his body around mine. My breathing turned ragged as his masculine scent wrapped around me, reminding me of what it was like to be in his arms.
“No,” I whispered, fighting back against every instinct that begged me to fall into his arms and pick up where we left off.
“No, what?”
“I’m not doing this.” Pushing against his chest as hard as I could, he stumbled back a step, but still didn’t give in.
“Just tell me what you need!”
“I need more than a man to fuck me at night!” I shouted. My voice quivered, matching the full-on body shakes that were wracking my body.
People were starting to stare, and I was once again becoming a spectacle.
“I gave you that and so much more,” he hissed. “I was there for you—”
“You were there for me, but you never truly gave your friendship to me,” I retorted, keeping my voice low. “Friendship goes both ways, and it’s clear to me now that as much as you have no problem being there for me, you don’t want anyone invading your carefully crafted space.”
“I’m giving you everything!”
“Except the one thing I need,” I answered softly.
It didn’t matter anyway. Things were never going to change, and as long as he refused to give even an ounce of himself to me, I would be nothing more than a plaything.
“Ellie, I’ve given you more than I could give anyone else,” he said earnestly. “We had something good.”
“We did,” I agreed. “And if you weren’t so stubborn, I might even be willing to give it another shot. But I can see now that you’ll never change. It’s a pity,” I chuckled. “We really were good together.”
Turning, I yanked on the door and got inside before I could draw even more attention to myself. And as I backed out of the parking spot, I refused to look at the man who had the ability to devastate me. Falling for him was the worst thing I could have ever done.