Chapter 22
brIAR
More than three hours had passed since Cassidy left without saying much. I could see how broken he felt being told to stay behind. Needing to tell him what I’d wanted to say right before we were hit no longer mattered. Not right now. While I agreed that there wasn’t much to do if he were to go to the hospital, everyone else was there. Even Rooney—I had sent him a quick text and found out he’d apparently been staying with Rosemary, and they went to the hospital together.
Even I wondered what was the point of leaving Cassidy behind. Were they trying to be considerate since he had a concussion? But then why would they ask him to go do chores? Couldn’t one of the hands handle all of that? I mean, there wasn’t much to do other than feed the horses and the cattle that remained down here for now.
Which brought my thoughts back to the fact that Cassidy should have returned from those chores a while ago. Glancing at the clock by his nightstand, I shook my head. It was nearing midnight, what in the world could he possibly be doing?
Slipping out of the bed, I quickly jogged to the mud room and stuffed my feet into my boots.
Exiting into the cool, night air, it didn’t take me long to find him as I rounded the corner on the road. There he was, slumped against the railing of the round pen Sundance was in. Cassidy wasn’t moving except for the steady rise and fall of his arms from his breathing, as they were crossed over his chest. The faint light from the nearest barn settled a gentle yellow glow on him, with his hat tucked low over his face. I couldn’t tell if he was awake or asleep.
Movement near him pulled my attention away from his lounging steel frame. The stallion shifted his weight, and my mouth fell open as he tucked his knees and laid down right next to Cassidy. The cowboy still didn’t move as Sundance plopped his head across the man’s legs, jostling him lightly.
The horse exhaled deeply and then fell still.
Did that just happen? I mean, it wasn’t like Cassidy was trying to break this horse—Sundance already knew the basics, but he feared humans in a way I didn’t quite understand myself. The entire purpose of Cassidy’s training was to make him safe and to create trust with Sundance. And if I hadn’t seen that with my own two eyes, I wouldn’t have believed that was Sundance’s own choice. Clearly, Cassidy had succeeded in a mere week of working with him.
“You’re a good man, Cassidy Duke,” I whispered, wishing he could hear me. I so desired that he could see how incredible he was, instead of hiding behind the fa?ade that was his charming smile. Despite the insecurities that seemed to swirl deep within Cassidy, he couldn’t fake what just happened nor the responses of those around him.
As quietly as possible, I crunched the rest of the way over to the round pen, hoping not to startle Sundance. His ears pricked upright and swiveled toward me upon approach, but the horse did not rise from Cassidy’s lap. I paused beside the fencing and leaned an arm against the crisp metal.
“You should be asleep,” Cassidy’s gravelly voice lowly danced across the still night. So, he’d been awake this entire time.
“And you shouldn’t still be out here,” I snarkily responded.
He slowly tipped his hat up off his face and raised a brow toward me. “If I recall correctly, you still don’t like me, so I don’t think you get a say in where I should or shouldn’t be.”
Rolling my eyes defiantly, I pursed my lips. “I want snuggles, so I most definitely get a say even if I said that.”
Cassidy’s chuckle vibrated gently through the air, and he placed a gentle hand on Sundance’s neck. “I was thinkin’ of settin’ up a temporary round pen near my house. That way he’s away from the main entrance, and if Wayde does happen to find this place, he will have to come lookin’ for the horse.”
I furrowed my brows, watching the rather delicious but also disheveled cowboy. “That’s what you want to say? Nothing about me wanting to cuddle you?”
His fingers trailed up and down the horse’s mane. “And risk scaring you off? I may be concussed, but I ain’t stupid.”
“‘Stupid’ is not a word I would use to describe you, Cassidy Duke,” I teased.
“Nah, just ‘dummy.’”
Clicking my tongue, I waved at him in dismissal as he gently slid his legs out from beneath Sundance’s head. “Hush,” I answered with a wink.
The horse shifted his weight and stood up as Cassidy rose from the sand. His hands brushed loose dirt from a backside that I hated to admit I’d admired on more than one occasion. Slowly, I lifted my gaze to his as he gingerly swayed over toward me.
Pain and disappointment roared behind his irises of mossy green and brown swirls that mingled with turquoise flashes. Long, thick, curly lashes slid down, hiding the colors as he ducked his head and passed through the rails beside me.
The moment he was clear of the pen, I reached a hand out and latched onto his forearm. “Cassidy,” I whispered, and he paused.
Turning his gaze to meet mine, his jaw knotted as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. I wanted to take away his pain. I wanted to be whatever support he needed and seemed to lack right now. I wanted to be the reason that he finally found whatever strength he needed to step out and become his own man, because he already was so much more of a man than most others I’d ever met.
It seemed that he himself was the only thing holding him back from reaching the potential that I knew he had. Whatever this debt was that he had was surely already repaid. But it didn’t seem like he believed that. And I wanted nothing more than to make him forget everything that held him so tightly bound in the darkness that he was drowning in.
Trailing my hand down his arm, I slipped my fingers into his and stepped into his body. His brows twitched, but he didn’t move, and not a word escaped his mouth. My heart pumped like pistons firing with heat through an engine rolling hot coals. My gaze locked onto his lips; I tipped my chin upwards as his gaze danced briefly to my own.
The air around us, as still as the pine sleeping through the winter, whispered against my skin. Tingles rippled down my spine. He didn’t move away, didn’t shirk as my free hand fisted his shirt and gently tugged him toward me.
And my lips pressed against his.
His velvet kiss finally met mine again after all this time. My mouth remembered exactly what he’d tasted like before, his wet breath mixing with mine as he placed a calloused hand against my cheek and tightened the kiss.
As sweet as the first time, as desperate as it had been before, his other fingers left my hand. Wrapping them around the base of my neck, he deepened his hold even more. Everything in me roared with warmth as I arched my back, pressing my body flush against his. His heart raced as heavily as mine, beating in tune with every swirling desire that unleashed between us.
A low hum left his chest, vibrating against my figure and stoking that low fire. Flames erupted like an explosion colliding within my belly, and I threw my arms around his waist. Wrapping tightly within his kiss, I pulled him as close as I could, even though I knew it would never be close enough. There would forever be too much space between us.
Gently, he broke our kiss, his lips clinging to mine for half a second after he pulled away. I blinked, opening my eyes right as he dropped a hand to my waist and immediately dove back in. Ramming my eyes closed, I tipped to my toes, shoving my mouth against his as hard as I could. He increased the pressure of his palm against my lower back, clearly agreeing with my desire for him, and then he parted his lips.
I didn’t hesitate to mirror his movement, and his tongue was between my teeth within another second. This felt familiar. A rush of heat waved beneath my skin as I needed more, begged for more from him. There was nothing—
And he suddenly shoved me away.
Tripping over my heels, I plummeted toward the ground. An arm snaked around my waist, catching me just before I smacked against the dirt. And as quickly as he caught me, he let me go.
Placing a hand on the round pen railing beside us, I steadied myself and looked up at him.
Cassidy turned away from me, running his thumb across his mouth. My body turned cold, shriveling up within itself as shame coated my figure. “What…What’d I do wrong?” I whispered.
“I don’t want a pity kiss, Briar,” he snarled, keeping his back to me. He began stomping toward the road that would take us to his house.
“What are you talking about? It wasn’t!” I shouted, half of a lie. It may have started out with feeling bad for him, but somewhere between that emotion and the actual kiss, something shifted.
“Don’t. Lie.” He spun around and slapped a hand against a fence rail close to the path, steadying himself.
“How would you know, anyway?” I jogged after him, catching up to where he stood, his eyelids blinking really slowly.
“Because I saw the look on your face right before you kissed me. It’s the same one that’s been staring back at me in the mirror since I was a kid,” he hissed, his voice low.
Since he was a kid? Pity and shame for who? Himself? My brows pinched together as his words settled upon me. “Even if it was, why is it… Why does it bother you so much?” I whispered.
His jaw knotted, and he cautiously pushed off from the fence. “Because you know exactly how I feel about you. Because the next time I wanted us to kiss was when you reciprocated my feelings. Not like this.” He waved a hand at me, and I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth.
Everything in me weighed heavy, cementing me to the ground. He needed to know. The answer I was trying to give him right before we were hit needed to be voiced. “Cassidy, I—”
“Besides,” he started, narrowing his piercing gaze. “I’ve never chased a girl before. Never had to, and no…” he paused, pointing a finger at me to stop the words that were about to slip from my mouth. “Before you start with me, I’m not saying that to come across cocky or as if I’m better than others. I’m saying that I don’t know what I’m doing because I’ve never had to nor wanted to before now. But I’m trying. I’m aware I came on to you really strong at first and then I backed off completely when I recognized that you were overwhelmed. So, I know my intentions have probably been confusing, but I was very upfront with how I felt at the rodeo in hopes to clear everything up.”
Pressure built in my eyes as I watched him slowly turn around. “How was me kissing you now for a distraction any different than you taking me on that date to the rodeo?” I screamed at his back, more defensively than I should’ve shouted.
He sighed and took a step away. “A distraction was merely my excuse to ask you on a date in a way that hopefully wouldn’t overwhelm you again. Do you not realize how weird it’s been knowing you’re living in the room across from me, in my house, yet almost never seeing you? And I tried several times to come talk to you, yet somehow you were never around. So yes, when you asked for a distraction, I jumped at the opportunity.” His voice quieted as he shoved his hands in his pockets and continued putting distance between us. “But it was a real date to me, whether it was to you or not.”
Cracks shot through my soul, shattering my heart that seemed made of glass. “The—”
“Briar, don’t,” he harshly said, stopping me from confessing the truth. Stopping me from admitting to feelings I’d been trying to admit to for a while now. “I don’t need you to lie to me on top of giving me a pity kiss. Let’s just go to bed.”
My skin was numb to the cool gust of the evening; the only thing that remotely stirred any sort of feeling in me was him, and the further he walked from me, the less I felt. “You want to go to bed? Right now?”
“Yes, I do,” he answered and didn’t even glance over his shoulder as my boots crunched across the ground, closing the distance between us.
“What about your family? Have they given you an update or anything?” I asked, reaching his side.
Cassidy shook his head but didn’t look at me.
“And you’re gonna be able to fall asleep, despite not hearing anything from them?”
“No, I won’t, but what else am I supposed to do?” he snapped, finally throwing a sharp glare in my direction.
“I don’t know, go to the hospital? There’s work trucks you can take.”
“They asked me to stay and take care of things here.”
“Chores are done.”
“And I’m not supposed to drive right now—doctor’s orders, remember?”
I threw my hands on my hips and stopped. “Are you scared to drive?”
“That’s not it.” Anger rolled off his shoulders as his back tensed with every accusatory word I spouted at him.
“Then I can drive us!”
“My father asked me to stay, so I’m going to stay!” His jaw worked overtime, chewing down the frustration that boiled hot within him.
“Quit being a coward, Cassidy Duke!” I shouted, furious that he was making excuses for not going, and he spun around so quickly, he crashed down to the ground. My eyes widened, and I darted toward him, but he merely held up a hand to stop me.
“I’m not being a coward,” he hissed, closing his eyes and placing a palm against his head.
“Then why won’t you go to the hospital? Why are you content with staying here and waiting for an update?”
“Because you can’t go there!” He slowly braced against the dir, and pushed himself upright. Everything in me screamed to go help him; it was my fault that he was dealing with this concussion anyway. He’d protected me, and I wanted to return the favor. But knowing him and who he was kept my feet planted firmly to the ground.
“I can’t…” My brows stitched together as he brushed some dirt from his pants. “Wait, what does this have to do with me?”
“I figured out what my dad was really trying to say,” he mumbled, turning his back once more to me, and trudged hesitantly up the path. “It took me longer than usual ’cause my head hurts anytime I think too hard,” he added with a grumble beneath his breath.
“Cassidy,” I started, watching him fade. “What are you talking about?”
“Not now, Goldie. My head is spinning, I’m about to throw up, so can we get to the house so I can vomit in dignity at least?” he called out over his shoulder. The tension from his body slipped like a feather dancing away on the wind, leaving as quickly as it came, and was replaced with exhaustion.
I heard a few curse words escape his lips and guilt slammed against my back. This overly emotional reaction to everything was so unlike Cassidy, and it was my fault. The concussion was my fault. He’d kept me from having any serious injuries and, as a result, suffered from one himself—one that the doctor informed us would make his emotions rather extreme and not as steady as normal.
But I needed to know why he believed that I was the reason he was asked to stay away from the hospital and his family. “Please, tell me,” I begged.
There was no sign on his frame that he heard me as he continued plodding up toward his house.
“Please, Cassidy, what does this have to do with me?” I pleaded again, trying to catch up with him.
“I’ll explain at the house,” he quietly answered.
“I’m sorry! Okay? I’m sorry that I’m the reason you have a concussion and that you’re stuck here and—”
“It’s not your fault,” he bluntly cut me off, enraging me unlike I’d ever experienced before despite the fact he was taking all the blame from my shoulders. He wasn’t telling me what he knew, and that pissed me off.
“None of it is your fault,” he quietly added. “This is just what I do.”
“What is it that you do exactly? Give up your own desires for everyone else as if being self-sacrificing is a noble quality?” It was a low blow, I knew that the moment I saw him tug his hat lower over his head. Shame enveloped my hardened heart.
“Cassidy,” I whispered, calling out for him as he refused to look at me or answer. “I didn’t mean it…”
“But you’re right. That’s exactly it. That’s all I know how to do. First with Weston and now with you. So, go ahead, tell me again how little of a man I am.” His voice cracked, the mountain of a human crumbling in front of me.
“Cassidy, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I thought that at one point, but now I wish you’d be a bit more selfish because you deserve it. I see how hard—”
“You want me to be more selfish?” His voice immediately deepened, growling with seething madness that matched my own frustration. “Alright, I can be selfish.” He raised his gaze up from the ground, still marching along in front of me, refusing to look at me. “They told me to stay behind because they knew I couldn’t come with you to the hospital where your mom is a labor and delivery nurse.”
And my legs immediately buckled out from beneath me, the cold dirt roughly catching my fall. Cassidy didn’t even stop walking as time paused, succumbing me to temporary paralysis. The earth cracked, swallowing me whole.
“That’s… That’s not possible,” I muttered. This wasn’t real. He was angry, so he made something up. There was no way to weather this storm and come out on the other side of this horrible lie alive. How could he tell me something so horrendously wrong? “She died, Cassidy. She’s been dead since I was born.” I’d been to my mother’s grave, seen her name on a headstone and everything. She’d died. She was dead. She couldn’t be here, in Riverford, Montana of all places, working. Alive. Healthy and living an entire life on her own, not once having reached out to Dad or me.
Cassidy was merely messing with me. That was it.
He wanted me to think about the fact that my mom might still be alive. That was it.
He needed me to obsess over something else that wasn’t him. That was it.
And it was only partly working.
He shook his head as his shoulders slumped. “Your mom’s name is Laura Kensington, is it not?”
Shock reverberating through my veins stole my breath. Everything burned around me as the reality of what he was saying whirred toward me like a time bomb ready to explode.
Cassidy wasn’t lying. He knew her name, and I’d never spoken it so there was no way that my denial had any substantial backing to it. But then that meant my father had been lying to me my entire life. My mother had abandoned me and him, and he’d lied.
“I’ll take your silence as a yes,” he mumbled.
Hot tears slid down my cheeks, passing through the dam that had burst. I didn’t even try to stop them, there was no use as the current of absolute bewilderment coursed through me.
“How…How do you…?” I tried to ask.
“Can I explain the rest at the house? My head is really splitting right now,” he answered. There was no malice in his words, no anger. I could see the pain twisting his features tight as he placed his palm against the side of his head again.
More water left stains down my cheeks, like coals pulled freshly from the fire. The person with answers was fading away from me faster and faster. I needed answers; I needed to know how he knew this so the jolting shock that scorched my veins would stop.
“Cassidy!” I shouted, scrambling to my feet as the world whirred back to life. “Will you stop for a minute so I can catch up?”
“Goldie, if I stop, I ain’t makin’ it back to the house, and no matter how strong you are, you aren’t gonna be able to carry all two hundred pounds of me the rest of the way.” There was something like shame coating his words as he continued to trudge forward.
“Oh,” was all I managed to say and jogged after him.
How was this possible?