30. Father Alexander
Father Alexander
“What do you want to do today?” my mom asks while flipping a pancake at the stove.
“I was thinking of going to see Dad.”
Her back is to me, but at the idea of visiting my dad, her head turns slightly, and I see the corner of her mouth tug upwards. “I think that is a good idea.”
“It’s been too long,” I say with guilt.
“You live across the country, Alex.” She glances over her shoulder. “I’m not mad at you for not coming to visit more. I hope you know that.”
“You sure?” I ask, dropping my eyes to the utensils in front of me.
Lifting my finger to the handle of the knife, I begin spinning the metal against the counter.
“I feel bad sometimes with how everything panned out after dad passed. I should have visited you more and been there for you before I moved to Cali…”
“Alex, do not keep making yourself feel guilty,” she says softly as she turns around with the plate full of pancakes. “You needed to do what was best for you, and I did what was best for me.”
“By selling the house?” I ask with curiosity because I don’t want her to think I’m still mad at her for selling the family home.
I understand why she did it, but we never actually talked about it. The only time it was brought up was when she told me what she had decided to do.
“Yes. It was what I needed to do to heal. Being in that home without you visiting was hard, but living there without him was unbearable.” She gently sets the plate full of pancakes on the small island.
“When your father died, it was like a part of me had died along with him, and I am sure you felt the same. You and I were both grieving, but in different ways. You were grieving your father, the man who raised you, while I was grieving my soulmate. When you lose your other half. The love of your life…” she trails off, looking choked up.
“It’s a pain I don’t wish on anyone. As much as I love your father, living in that house wasn’t good for me.
I knew that if I stayed, I wouldn’t be able to heal fully. ”
My heart aches at the way her voice cracks. “You know I’m not mad at you, right? For selling the house?”
“I know, sweetie.” Her hand extends over the countertop and rests on mine.
With a soft smile, I ask, “Do you still have all of Dad’s favorite movies?”
“Of course I do.” She grins as her head gestures to the living room behind me. “They are in the TV stand on the bottom shelf.”
I nod in response and use my fork to stab a few pancakes, dropping them on my plate. Picking up the glass bottle of syrup, I drench my food, earning a chuckle from my mom.
“I see some things never change,” she laughs. “Ever since you were little, you would want more syrup on your plate than pancakes.”
I shrug. “You can never have too much.”
“Your teeth will say otherwise.”
“The dentist told me my teeth are perfect.” I wave her off with the fork. “Do you want to come with me today?”
“No,” she declines my offer. “I think it would be nice of you to have time alone with him today.”
I take a bite of a piece of pancake covered in syrup. “You should go to work today, then.”
“I already called off. Besides, I have some errands I need to run anyway.”
“Do you need your car?” I take another bite and grimace. “You know what? Maybe there is such a thing as too much syrup.”
“Everywhere I need to go is within walking distance.” She holds back her laugh as my lips curl from the absurd amount of sugar that hits my tongue. “You can have some of my pancakes.”
“No, it’s okay. I think I’m going to shower and then head to see Dad.” I slide off the barstool and head over to where her TV is to check out my mom’s collection of my dad’s favorite movies.
Crouching down, my eyes scan the DVDs, and I’m hit with a wave of memories.
He and I have watched every single one of these.
Some we had seen in theaters, and he liked them so much that he needed a trophy for his movie shelf in his office.
There are so many to choose from, but my eyes eventually land on one of his all-time favorites.
“Do we still have that mini DVD player?” I ask, glancing at my mom.
“Should be in the front closet, but it hasn’t been charged in years.”
Swiping the movie case off the shelf, I set it on the counter, and grab the DVD player from the closet. Luckily, the charger is wrapped up next to it, so I plug it into an outlet in the kitchen to let it charge while I take a shower and get ready for the day.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m in my mom’s car with my dad’s favorite films, Catch Me If You Can, and a half-charged DVD player sitting on the passenger seat.
While I was in the shower, my mom found a car plug in her kitchen junk drawer. Hopefully, by the time I get to the cemetery, it will be fully charged, which may work out since it’s about a thirty-minute drive.
When I pull into the cemetery’s entrance and find a spot to park, I open the DVD player and see it’s almost fully charged.
Unplugging it, I tuck it under my arm and grab the movie.
From where I parked, my dad is about ten spaces down, and when I find his gravestone, a smile spreads across my face.
Fresh flowers sit in a vase on the ground next to the stone, and the surrounding grass has been recently tended to.
“Hey, Dad,” I greet him, taking a seat. “Sorry, it’s been so long. You probably already know, but I moved to California.” I set the DVD player next to the flowers. “Being the movie buff you are, I just know you’d love it there.”
I sit criss-cross, staring at the words engraved in the stone.
Christopher Cohen.
Loving husband and father.
“I’m sorry for everything,” I apologize, my throat tightening as I feel my eyes begin to burn.
“I’m sorry for not being able to go to the movies until later that night.
In my head, I keep telling myself that if I had just put my work down and left at my normal time, you’d still be here.
The doctors told me otherwise, though. They said that heart attacks are unpredictable and that if you didn’t have one that night, there was no saying if you’d have one the following day.
” I let out a dry laugh. “So, pretty much it was inevitable.”
“I also want to apologize for the shit I put Mom through after you passed. Being in that car accident and seeing you—” I pause because the words get stuck.
“It did something to my brain, and I ended up lashing out. I was horrible to Mom, and then I found the wrong crowd to fall into. God, I hope you weren’t watching me at that time in my life.
I hope you didn’t see all the horrible choices I made. ”
I sit in silence for a moment, the chill October wind coasting along my cheeks, bringing me a sense of coolness to my heated skin.
“I turned my life around. I found God and joined the priesthood. It was the best thing to happen at that dark time in my life, and I will forever be grateful for it.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I say, “But it seems that time of my life is coming to an end. As much as I thank the church for helping me turn my life around, it’s not something I want to be part of anymore. I want to live my life freely, outside of the church walls. With Celine.”
A faint smile tugs at my lips at the mention of her name, and then I realize how much my heart aches because I miss her. “If everything works out, I’ll bring her to meet you.”
With a big inhale, I open the DVD player and set the disc inside and tell my dad, “No more sad talk. Let’s watch a movie like old times.”
I hit play, and for the next two and a half hours, I sit with him and watch his favorite movie.