Chapter 5 #3
But thinking about divorce before we were even married was making things worse and my head was spinning.
Making my excuses, I avoided Lizzie’s gaze as I left early.
I drove down the lane, pulled over into a gateway and turned the engine off.
Sitting there, I gazed across the fields, taking in the cattle that were mooching quietly, the swallows flitting around the skies, the butterflies hovering above the wildflowers.
Everything seemingly so peaceful. If only I felt the same.
When I got back to the flat, Gareth was out. After throwing open the windows, I cleared up the plate he’d left on the floor and picked up some empty beer bottles.
Sinking into the sofa, a sigh came from me.
Lizzie was right – there was no point me telling myself otherwise.
Gareth could be thoughtless at times – a petty example being those dirty plates he’d left on the floor, the washing up that sat on the side of the sink.
Yet not once had I told him I didn’t like it.
And that was my fault, wasn’t it? It wasn’t fair to expect him to read my mind.
Sitting there, for a moment, I imagined us having a baby. We’d only vaguely talked about it, but suddenly I could see us: Gareth the adoring father, the hands-on dad and caring husband, loving that we were a family every bit as much as I did.
I heard a key in the door before it opened, then closed and Gareth walked in. When he saw me sitting on the sofa, a look of surprise crossed his face.
‘I thought you were at your parents’ house.’
‘I was. I got back about twenty minutes ago.’ I looked at him. ‘Have you been to the pub?’
‘Just for a couple. Thought I’d make the most of it.’
‘What – being single, you mean?’ The words slipped out without me intending them to.
Clearly I’d struck a nerve. Standing there, he had the grace to look uncomfortable. ‘I didn’t mean it like that, Tilly. It’s hardly as though anything’s going to change, is it?’
‘We’re getting married, Gareth.’ I frowned. ‘That’s a pretty major change by anyone’s account.’
‘Yeah, but we’ll still be living here, going to work, seeing the same people.’ He shrugged. ‘Our day-to-day lives will be exactly the same.’
For once, he was bang on. But if that was the case, why were we doing this? I stared at him, suddenly curious. ‘Why do you want to get married, Gareth?’
He looked startled. ‘What kind of a question is that?’
I shrugged. ‘I want to know. I mean, I’ve always thought getting married is a big deal. If it isn’t, I’m wondering why you want to do it.’
Coming over, he sat down next to me. ‘What’s really going on here?’ he said gently.
‘How do we know?’ I searched the blue eyes that were so familiar to me. ‘That we’ll always feel like this? That what we have is enough?’
‘We’ve been together for years. I love you, Tilly. I kind of assumed you love me too. Isn’t love enough?’ He looked hurt. ‘No one knows what the future holds.’ He frowned. ‘Or has something happened?’
It was my perfect opportunity to tell him the truth. ‘No.’ I looked away, unable to do it. ‘It’s just that marriage is a huge commitment. There are things we haven’t really talked about – not properly.’
‘Of course we’ve talked.’ He frowned. ‘I don’t know what you’re getting at.’
‘But we haven’t,’ I persisted. ‘Not about children, for example. I’ve always assumed you want them. But until now, I haven’t actually asked you.’ I paused. ‘Do you? Want children?’
‘Of course I do. Doesn’t everyone?’ But he looked evasive. ‘In time. We’re young. There’s no hurry. We’ve plenty of time to think about having a family.’
There it was. The giveaway hint that when it came to children, Gareth really wasn’t that bothered about it. But I didn’t want to believe it. ‘I suppose we’d need a bigger place,’ I said thoughtfully.
‘Exactly,’ he said quickly. ‘See? A few years down the line, when we’ve bought a house, maybe, that will be the time.’
A few years down the line wasn’t at all what I had in mind. But I didn’t want to fight.
He frowned. ‘Is there anything else?’
I folded my arms. I’d hoped that by expressing even a single concern, it would open up some honest conversation between us. But instead, there was an awkward silence that was far from satisfactory, while I knew if I pushed him, he’d only get angry.
He got up. ‘Fancy a cuppa?’
‘Thanks.’ Sitting there, I watched him walk across the room, listening as he filled the kettle and switched it on. That he could just gloss over what felt like the elephant in the room, this close to our wedding, I absolutely knew it wasn’t right.
It wasn’t going to solve anything, but suddenly I needed to get out. As he came back in carrying two mugs, I got up. ‘I just had a message from Lizzie,’ I lied. ‘She wants to talk to me about something. I’m going to meet her for a walk.’
‘You’ve just spent the entire day with her.’ Gareth sounded sulky. ‘It can’t be that important.’
‘It’s to do with the wedding.’ I kissed him briefly on the lips. A kiss he didn’t reciprocate. ‘I won’t be long.’
It would never occur to Gareth that there was no message from Lizzie. With hindsight, I should have texted her on the off chance he’d call her. But I knew he wouldn’t. And I knew she wouldn’t call him. Gareth and my sister had only one thing in common, and that was me.
As I walked along the street, I tuned out the traffic noise.
I had the strangest sense of being at the centre of a life I was rapidly losing control over.
There was this lavish wedding paid for by my parents.
And that was the essence of the problem.
If it had been some tiny do at a pub, it would have been so much easier to call it off.
But a hundred people had been invited. They’d bought outfits and presents; planned their weekends around mine and Gareth’s nuptials.
Knowing that made it impossible to cancel it.
It meant I had no choice but to go ahead.
Stopping at the end of the road, I waited for the traffic to clear before crossing it and entering the park.
Surrounded by trees, I watched a group of kids kicking a football about.
It wasn’t helping that everywhere around me there were couples – younger ones, loved up, their hands entwined.
An older one, arm in arm, an expression of quiet contentment in their eyes.
Would Gareth and I be like that? Our love enough to see us into old age? But how did anyone know? The fact was no one did. You had to believe in marriage, in each other, enough to want to take the chance.
‘Tilly?’ The voice came from behind me.
I froze for a split second, feeling my heart start to race, already knowing it was Adam as I turned to see him standing there. ‘Hi.’
‘You look as though you’re carrying the cares of the world on those narrow shoulders.’ He paused. ‘Feel like sharing them?’
‘I’m not sure it would help,’ I said ruefully.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. ‘Can I say something?’ he said at last. ‘Only, for someone who’s getting married this weekend, you don’t look exactly happy about it.’
I looked up into his eyes – warm, brown eyes – as I realised something. Unlike Gareth, Adam saw the real me. Actually saw how I was feeling. Suddenly there was a lump in my throat. ‘Then it won’t surprise you to know I’m having second thoughts.’
He breathed out slowly. ‘And you feel terrible, I’m guessing.’
I nodded. ‘My parents have paid for this amazing wedding. There are all our guests… Some of them are travelling miles, just to see me and Gareth get married. They’ve bought us all these presents… And I feel so guilty – and ungrateful.’
‘This has nothing to do with gratitude.’ Adam looked around. ‘Why don’t we find somewhere away from it all, where we can talk?’
‘Like where?’ The beautiful weather meant people were out in droves, all of them making the most of it. As far as I could see, there was nowhere.
Adam took my hand. ‘I know somewhere.’
I let him lead me away from the park. I was unhappy enough not to care who saw us, or that a man I barely knew was holding my hand. On the other side of the park, we crossed the road and walked up a narrow street. After a minute or so, he stopped outside a terraced house.
‘This is my place.’ He hesitated. ‘I was going to suggest we should go inside. But I don’t want to talk you into doing anything you’ll regret.’
Past caring what anyone else thought, I looked at him. ‘Do you have gin?’
He pushed the gate open, then in front of the house, he unlocked the door and stood back to let me in. As the door closed behind us, I felt my body slump. Here, away from everything and everyone I knew, I no longer felt the need to hide anything.
‘The kitchen’s this way.’ Adam started walking along a passageway.
I followed him into a bright, airy kitchen, freshly painted white, the only colour a row of perfect, miniature cacti plants arranged at intervals on a windowsill.
‘These are cute.’ Going over, I studied them.
‘My cacti? How I ended up with them is a bit of an accident.’ He got out a couple of glasses. ‘I was given the first one as a present. After that, everyone seemed to think I was collecting them.’ He got out some ice, then poured me a drink and passed it to me.
‘Thanks.’ I wandered over to the window, taking in the terrace on which a table and chairs had been set out; the stretch of grass that lay beyond; feeling strangely at home yet at the same time, wondering what the hell I was doing here.
Adam came over and stood beside me. ‘I wish I could help you. I can see how difficult you’re finding this.’ He paused. ‘This is about us, isn’t it?’
As he said us, my heart leapt. ‘It’s hard to describe.
’ I owed it to him to try. ‘Gareth and I get on, and it isn’t that we don’t love each other.
But I think it’s more like you said about your ex-girlfriend.
There’s something missing, and I’ve only just realised.
Meanwhile, the wedding has an energy of its own… ’