Chapter 5 #4
Adam was silent. ‘Given what you’ve just told me, how can you go ahead?’
‘How can I not?’ There was a lump in my throat.
‘I’m not sure I should be saying this…’ He hesitated. ‘But if you weren’t getting married…’ He stopped himself.
I turned to look at him. ‘What? If I wasn’t, I mean?’
His brown eyes gazed into mine. ‘It probably isn’t going to help.
But I’d ask you out for dinner,’ he said softly.
‘That Italian that’s just opened in town with tables outside.
We’d order a bottle of chilled wine and tell each other our life stories.
’ He paused. ‘I don’t know why it is, but I have this compulsion to know everything about you.
Your family, your childhood, your hopes and dreams… ’
As he spoke, as I gazed into those beautiful eyes, my heart missed a beat. ‘They’re not exciting,’ I said hastily. My dreams were simple – to live a happy life with the man I loved. Like I said, simple – yet from where I found myself at that moment, unbelievably complicated.
‘I’d still want to hear about them,’ he said quietly.
I was silent. I wanted to know everything about him, too. But a restless feeling filled me. There was no time.
‘Where is your fiancé?’ he asked suddenly. ‘Because if I were him, I’d want to know why you weren’t with me tonight.’
‘I told him I was meeting Lizzie.’ My cheeks flushed at my duplicity. ‘I needed to get out. I couldn’t think straight. Terrible, isn’t it? Lying?’
Adam was quiet for a moment. ‘Can I ask you something?’
I shrugged. ‘Go ahead.’
‘Why are you really here?’
Our eyes met and I couldn’t look away. ‘I don’t know.’ Given the reality of my life, nothing about this made sense.
‘Then can I tell you how I’ve been feeling?
’ He paused. ‘It’s that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
And however bad the timing is, I wish I could get to know you, properly.
To make you laugh. To share adventures with you.
’ His eyes held mine. ‘And it feels really important to me to tell you this.’
Wow. Just the thought was glorious. A small smile crept across my lips.
‘That’s better.’ He smiled, too. Then it faded.
I sighed deeply. ‘This is crazy. Isn’t it?’ I stared at him. ‘I mean, we barely know each other.’ A feeling of anguish filled me as I plummeted back down to earth. ‘Once I’m married, I never will.’
He gazed through the window, then he turned to look at me again. ‘What if I asked you to give me – us – one evening? Before you sign away the rest of your life?’ He said it humorously but his eyes were serious.
My mouth fell open. ‘You mean, this week?’
‘I guess it will have to be.’ He was watching me.
‘I can’t.’ I’d never felt so conflicted.
Or could I? No question, I wanted to. The thought of Gareth at home in our flat held no allure for me.
Meanwhile, being here no longer felt wrong.
Already, I didn’t want to leave. ‘I don’t know if I can.
’ The voice of reason taking over; the next days and hours having already been mapped out – which I hadn’t minded – until now.
‘Well, what if I said I’m working from home tomorrow?
’ He paused. ‘I don’t know what we do here.
I’m on unfamiliar ground, Tilly. I’ve no idea what you must think of me, asking you this when I know you’re getting married.
And I swear I’ve never done anything like this in my life.
I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t have a feeling you wanted it, too.
’ He paused. ‘I could take the afternoon off – if you wanted me to?’
I had a silent battle going on with myself.
OK, so I wanted to spend more time with him.
I wanted to so much. But common sense was starting to kick in.
I’d committed myself to someone else. This, whatever this was, happening when it was, it wasn’t right.
I felt powerless as I wiped away tears I hadn’t known were there.
But as I stood there, a recklessness took me over.
‘OK.’ My voice was husky. ‘I’ll be here. ’
I left my drink unfinished. Adam walked me to the door, where I lingered a moment. We didn’t speak. But we didn’t need words. There were hopes, dreams, entire lifetimes in our eyes, promises as yet unlived.
I opened the door. ‘Bye,’ I said softly as I slipped outside.
I felt removed as I walked away. Displaced.
The world no longer the familiar place it used to be just days ago.
The sun was sinking, the park in shadow as I walked back.
Reaching our flat, I could hear the football on the TV even before I opened the door.
As I closed it, Gareth cheered loudly. ‘You’ve missed a brilliant game,’ he called out enthusiastically.
Going in, I watched him turn the TV off, then shuffle along the sofa to make enough room for me.
‘You OK?’ For a moment, he looked uncertain.
‘Yes.’ I tried to smile, my eyes taking in the predictable empty cans on the floor.
‘Sorry, babe,’ he said hastily. ‘I must stop doing this. I’m going to change my ways, I promise you.’ He leant down to pick them up. ‘Can I get you a cuppa – or something stronger?’
‘A glass of wine would be lovely.’ Guilt flowed over me. Gareth meant well. And all I’d done these last few days was pick holes in him.
He came back holding a couple of glasses of wine. He sat down and passed one to me. ‘To us.’ He chinked his glass against mine.
‘To us,’ I murmured softly.
We actually talked that night – about our families and our wedding day; how one day not too long from now, hopefully we’d buy a little house. But in bed, while Gareth slept, my thoughts refused to settle. And not because I was thinking about my wedding. The only thing on my mind was seeing Adam.
The following morning, I was up and about early. Leaving Gareth snoring, I showered and dressed. As I made a mug of coffee, my phone buzzed with a text from Lizzie.
Lizzie
How are you? I’ve been worried about you. Call me xxxx
I couldn’t risk Gareth overhearing me. Taking my coffee outside, I closed the front door and called her back. ‘Hey. Are you OK?’
‘Of course I am.’ Lizzie sounded impatient. ‘It’s you I’m worried about.’
‘You don’t need to be. Honestly,’ I said. ‘Everything’s fine.’
‘Have you seen him again? Adam, I mean?’
‘Last night,’ I said quietly.
‘Oh my God.’ Lizzie was silent for a moment. ‘You do know don’t you, that this would be the most romantic thing in the world, if it wasn’t for the ever so slight problem of your wedding.’
I was silent for a moment. ‘He asked me if I’d give him one evening.’
‘Oh my God, Tilly. What did you say?’
‘I said no at first.’ I paused, swallowing. ‘But all I could think was, what if I said yes?’ I went on. ‘I’m supposed to be seeing him this afternoon.’ Suddenly I felt wretched.
‘Tilly, you can’t,’ she said anxiously. ‘I mean, you can. But this so isn’t like you.’ Lizzie paused. ‘I’m worried about you. Imagine for a moment you do this. When you’re standing in front of the altar with Gareth, don’t you think the chances are you’ll regret it?’
‘You’re right. I probably will.’ In that moment, I really didn’t like myself. And I didn’t need Lizzie to tell me how selfish I sounded, that I was about to betray Gareth. ‘But if I don’t, I’ll always wonder.’ I paused. ‘And the thing is, I don’t think I can stop myself.’
* * *
It was a surreal morning – one when I’d imagined myself excitedly organising the clothes I’d carefully chosen for our honeymoon in Malta.
In spite of recent chaotic events in my life, I liked to be organised.
With a few days to go, I’d be putting together everything I needed for the big day itself, ready to pack up and take over to my parents’ house.
Instead, I barely registered what I was doing. With one eye on the clock, I was going through the motions, while Gareth had gone to work, after which he was going over to his best man’s house for one of their legendary barbecues.
Before he left this morning, he’d come over and put his arms around me. ‘It’s going to be good to get away – just the two of us. I wasn’t going to say anything…’ He’d faltered. ‘But you haven’t been yourself the last few days.’ He looked slightly awkward. ‘We are OK, aren’t we, Tills?’
My heart had started to thump. ‘Of course we are.’ My throat was suddenly dry. ‘I’ve had a lot on my mind – you know, the wedding and that.’ I tried to make a joke of it. ‘But I suppose, if I’m honest, I’ve been worrying about one or two things.’
Letting go of me, a wary look crossed his face. ‘Such as?’
It was as though he’d completely forgotten the conversation we had.
‘Having kids is a really big deal for me.’ I watched his face.
‘And I know what you said, about having them further down the line. But if you don’t want to have them, I’d rather know.
Now – before it’s too late.’ Realising as I said it, I was giving him a let out; that it would be far easier to say Gareth got cold feet, than the truth – that I had.
He froze. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m asking you to be honest. Once we’re married…’ I shrugged. ‘I’d hate it to become this… this thing between us.’ I didn’t know how to describe it. ‘Us having kids is really important to me.’
‘Of course it is.’ He looked awkward as he took my hands. ‘And the answer is I do want them. I meant what I said. I just think it would make sense if we waited a few years.’ He leant towards me to kiss me.
But I pulled back. ‘How long is a few? I want to know if it’s three, or ten…’
‘Hey. Does it matter?’ He frowned. ‘We’ll figure it out. We’re young, Tilly. We have time.’
‘It isn’t about having time.’ I didn’t like that he was being evasive. ‘Don’t you get that? It’s about us getting married and wanting the same things.’ But I’d answered my own question. Clearly he didn’t feel like I did, or we wouldn’t be speaking like this.