Chapter 5 #5
‘Hey, chill, Tilly. Can’t this stuff wait? We have a big week. Let’s make the most of it. We’ll work everything out.’ He paused. ‘You’re feeling the stress, aren’t you?’
‘I suppose I am.’ I knew it was the point when I should have pushed him, forced the issue. Yes, it would have caused a row. But it would at least have been honest.
He pulled me close again. ‘Everything’s done isn’t it? Almost?’
I nodded. ‘There are a few things to do, but not too much.’
‘Take a bit of time for yourself.’ Gareth looked concerned. ‘It’s a big day. An amazing day.’
I gazed into his eyes. ‘You’re right. Sorry. I do love you, Gareth.’ I meant it. However scattered my mind was, I did love him.
‘I love you, too.’ He kissed me. ‘I have to go.’ After kissing me on the cheek again, he picked up his bag and stood there. ‘I’ll probably stay over at Pete’s tonight.’
* * *
As I watch myself, memories come flooding back – of the shame I felt for the mess I’d got myself into, of my inability to be honest with myself, or anyone else.
Even now, I can still remember how conflicted I felt; how I was wondering if it was possible to love two people.
Then I’d berated myself, for putting love and Adam in the same sentence when after just a few days, I barely knew him.
That morning, I sat on our bed, listening as Gareth went out, whistling.
Then, as he closed the door behind him, I felt a weight instantly lift.
One that came crashing down on me again as I thought about our wedding.
I still had a few days, I told myself. Anything could happen. Gareth could still change his mind…
* * *
Terrible, isn’t it, that I thought it was OK to go ahead? But with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how lost I was. How frightened of rocking any boats, even though the signs were there, loud and clear. It was easier for everyone, easier for me to ignore them.
* * *
That afternoon, the sun was shining in a cloudless sky as I left the flat and walked to Adam’s house.
My hair was newly washed, and I was wearing a thin cotton dress I’d had for years.
Excitement filled me at the thought of seeing him.
I was also nervous. And I was selfish, I kept telling myself; going behind Gareth’s back, imagining I could get away with this.
When he opened his front door, Adam looked nervous, too. ‘I was half-expecting not to see you.’
I took in his faded jeans and grey T-shirt. ‘I was half-expecting me to change my mind,’ I confessed as I went inside.
I followed him through to the kitchen. The sliding door was open onto the garden, the room bathed in sunlight. It felt calm and peaceful; it was also a place where no one had any expectations of me, a feeling I wasn’t familiar with – not that I recognised it at the time.
‘Tea? Or would you prefer a cold drink?’
‘I think cold.’ I watched Adam go to the fridge and take out a couple of bottles.
He held one out. ‘A beer?’
‘Thanks.’
He opened them and passed one to me. ‘Shall we sit down?’
Along one wall of the kitchen, the sofa was angled slightly towards the garden. I sat down at one end, as Adam sat towards the other. ‘Cheers.’ He held up his beer bottle.
I clinked mine against it. ‘Cheers.’ For a fleeting moment, I had that what the fuck am I doing here feeling.
But it passed. And I mean, quickly, as again I was overwhelmed by this feeling I had, of the connection between us; my words seeming stilted, reality hovering in the way of us. ‘You’ve finished work for the day?’
He nodded. ‘Work’s flexible. I’m lucky in that way.’
I was curious. ‘What is it do you do?’
‘I’m partly a copywriter and partly a travel writer. It can be unpredictable – but the upside is I can work from anywhere. The travel writing is what I love, though.’
It was the first I’d glimpsed of this free-spirited side of him. ‘You’re away a lot?’
‘A fair bit. I’ve just come back from some of the lesser-known Greek islands. Wonderful places off the beaten track – the kind of places I really like.’
‘Wow.’ While in one sense, I was envying him the freedom he had, on the other, it unsettled me. I couldn’t imagine how it would be to live like that. But until now, I’d never known anyone who lived like that. ‘I’m a bit of home bird,’ I said.
‘That’s nice.’ Adam’s eyes were warm as they looked at me. ‘I think I would be more that way, if I had someone to share it with.’ He studied me. ‘So how are you feeling?’ he asked.
Obviously, he was talking about my wedding. ‘All over the place.’ I gazed into his eyes. ‘Mixed up. Worried that whatever I do, I’ll be making a mistake.’
‘I don’t envy you,’ he said quietly. ‘Usually, my advice would be to take some time out. But I guess in this case, you can’t.’
‘If only.’ I was silent. ‘So much work has gone into planning it. My mum is really excited about it – and it wasn’t so long ago, it felt like my dream day.
I mean, the venue is to die for. There are going to be flowers, literally everywhere.
I have this incredible dress.’ I paused.
‘Up until my hen night, I couldn’t wait.
But now…’ I broke off, my emotions in turmoil again.
He was quiet for a moment. ‘Then why are you doing it?’
‘I’ve asked myself the same question.’ I shrugged. ‘Gareth and I have been together a long time. We know each other’s families and friends. We’re comfortable together – and I love him…’ All of it was true. ‘It’s probably last-minute jitters,’ I looked at Adam. ‘I mean, it happens, doesn’t it?’
He didn’t say anything for a moment. ‘Have you talked to anyone about how you’re feeling?’
‘Only to Lizzie – my sister,’ I said. ‘She knows I’m here.’
‘You haven’t talked to your parents?’
‘God, no,’ I said with feeling. ‘I couldn’t. They’d think I was a terrible person.’ I looked at Adam sadly. ‘That’s how I feel. This isn’t the kind of thing I’d normally do – and what makes it a hundred times worse, is my wedding coming up.’
‘Life can be messy, can’t it?’ he said gently. ‘It’s not like you planned this.’
‘I planned coming here today.’ Shame washed over me. ‘I shouldn’t have come here. If Gareth found out…’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ A cloud crossed Adam’s face. ‘You’re the only person who knows what’s right for you. I suppose, in that sense, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s about you.’
It was almost exactly what Lizzie had said. ‘I know.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘The thing is…’ I hesitated, not sure how to say what I was thinking, without it sounding like I was blaming him…
‘Go on,’ he said.
I sighed. ‘I suppose until the last few days, I’ve been going around with my head in the sand. Just going along with everything in my life. Then I met you…’ I hesitated. ‘It’s made me look at things so differently.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He paused. ‘Not sorry I met you, obviously. But I’m sorry it’s caused you such a problem.’
‘It isn’t your fault it happened when it did.’ I gazed out at the garden, at the shafts of sunlight dancing through the trees.
‘The timing’s strange, isn’t it?’ He sounded regretful. ‘But I think sometimes people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe to shake our world up a bit – or to show us how to look at things a different way. At least, that’s how it seems to me.’
I looked at him, slightly amazed, that I, Tilly, was capable of shaking up anyone’s world. ‘Is that what I’ve done? Shaken up your world?’
He smiled. ‘Just a little.’
I felt my eyes widen. ‘Oh.’ I didn’t know what else to say.
‘The thing I find about signs,’ he went on, ‘is if we ignore them, they don’t go away. They go on getting bigger – until we can’t.’
I blinked at him. ‘You think us meeting is a sign?’
He smiled again. ‘I think it may be… You’ve certainly made me realise I did the right thing leaving my ex. No doubts, whatsoever. I should thank you for that.’
I was just a little bit speechless.
‘The main thing here is what do you really want, Tilly?’ he said gently. ‘Is Gareth the person you want to share the rest of your life with?’
His words hung in the air. But we both knew, that if he was, I wouldn’t have been there.
I tried to imagine what I’d say to Lizzie in this situation, or to fast-forward a few years and imagine I was talking to my son or daughter.
What would I say to them? But the answer was easy. I’d want them to be happy.
‘It doesn’t matter. It’s too late,’ I said abruptly.
But the thought of having children had brought back the conversation with Gareth.
‘I really do know how mad this must seem. And I’m not a bad person.
I just hate upsetting anyone. In fact, I do anything I can to avoid it.
’ But even I could see the downside of marrying for the wrong reasons; that ultimately it had the potential to cause just as much upset.
‘Why? You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.’
I knew I wasn’t. But I had this default setting to always smooth things over.
‘The thought of being the cause of so much upset…’ I broke off, realising this was the crux of my problem.
I’d always done whatever it took to keep the peace.
But it did nothing to change the fact that too much about my wedding felt wrong.
‘Last night, when I told him I was going to meet Lizzie, he didn’t think to ask how she was.
But he never does.’ I hesitated. ‘There’s also this other thing. ’
He frowns slightly. ‘What’s that?’
I sighed. ‘I want to have kids – I always have. But Gareth wants to wait – until we’re more settled.
But he was less than enthusiastic about the idea.
We should have discussed it before. I suppose I never imagined it being a problem between us.
But potentially, it is. And if I’m right, it’s a really big one. ’