Chapter 11
Waiting for the Miracle
When it comes to children, there are those who want them desperately yet for some reason, are unable to have them.
While others, it seems, fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Of course, there are all kinds of scenarios in between.
But for some reason, I fell into the latter category, though in many ways it might have been easier if I hadn’t.
But such was the way my life was destined to unfold.
* * *
‘How?’ Two months had passed since our wedding; in a white shirt that showed off his fading tan, Gareth looked bewildered.
‘I guess the usual way.’ I shrugged. ‘I can’t think how else it could have happened.
’ I was making a joke of something that was anything but humorous; that was the biggest thing to happen in my life.
Thinking of the conversation we’d had not so long ago, I was also worried.
But in a sense it felt like a kind of validation, that marrying Gareth had been the right thing to do, because now, we were going to be a family.
The colour bleached from his tan. ‘But you can’t be.’
‘That last night of our honeymoon… I don’t think we were as careful as we might have been.’ I paused. ‘And I know it’s sooner than we planned. But it will be amazing,’ I said gently. ‘This time next year, we’ll have a baby.’
Already I wanted to tell everyone, never mind that it was early days.
But the joy I’d felt was marred by Gareth’s silence.
At the time, I’d told myself that he’d get his head around it.
We were married. We’d agreed we wanted children.
OK, so this was sooner than he wanted, but now that it had happened, I wanted to believe that he’d come around to the idea.
After I’d broken the news, an uneasy silence had fallen between us. Then that evening, while I was cooking, Gareth came into the kitchen.
‘Tilly? Look, we really need to talk about this.’ He sounded far from happy.
‘Gareth, I know it’s happened faster than we planned.’ As I looked at him, I frowned. ‘What is it?’
‘I thought we’d agreed to wait,’ Gareth said. ‘Look at us. We live in a small flat. We both work. We’re hardly ready to be parents.’
‘I know. But it’s a bit late to say that now,’ I said.
‘Tilly…’ Gareth spoke in a voice I hadn’t heard before. ‘I’m not sure about this. Like really not sure.’
A cold feeling came over me. ‘What are you saying?’
‘Having a baby is going to change our lives.’ He sighed. ‘I thought we’d have a few years to do our own thing. I wanted to have those years.’
‘We can still make plans,’ I said persuasively. ‘It’s just that we’ll have a baby with us.’ I frowned at him. ‘Life doesn’t stop when babies come along, Gareth.’
‘Babies change everything.’ He folded his arms, his face was unreadable.
‘In a good way,’ I said quietly, sitting down next to him. ‘I thought you’d be pleased. It takes two to make a baby, Gareth.’
‘You think I don’t fucking know that?’ he said angrily. ‘Did that conversation we had mean nothing?’ He stood there, silent for a moment. Then he turned to look at me. ‘I’m sorry, Tilly. I know you won’t agree. But the way I see it, this just isn’t the right time.’
I stared at him, shocked. ‘What do you mean by that? I’m pregnant, Gareth. It’s not like there’s any going back from this.’
‘There are options,’ he said tightly. ‘Maybe we need to seriously consider them.’
Getting up, I felt sick as I folded my arms around myself. ‘You’re talking about terminating the pregnancy?’
He shrugged. ‘It’s one option. You should think about it – after all, this isn’t just about you.’
I was gobsmacked. ‘This isn’t just about you, either.’
Refusing to look at me, he picked up his keys. ‘I need to get some air. I’m going out.’
‘Where?’ Suddenly, I felt powerless. ‘You can’t go out. I’m cooking supper – and we need to talk about this.’
‘I need to clear my head.’ As he went out to the hallway, I heard the sound of the door opening and closing.
Standing there, I was in shock. Then I felt a tear trickle down my cheek.
There was no way I was terminating my pregnancy just to suit Gareth’s lack of readiness for fatherhood.
I mean, we were married. We’d talked about having children.
Admittedly, it was sooner than we’d planned. But his response had shocked me.
I held my hand protectively over my belly. I couldn’t believe that Gareth cared so little. If it had been Adam… Yes, I barely knew him. But I knew he wouldn’t have behaved the way Gareth had just now.
The magnitude of what I’d committed to was catching up with me. Here I was, just eight weeks into our marriage, and already I had cause to seriously question it. But I’d had doubts before, I reminded myself. I had no one to blame for the position I found myself in. No one, that was, but me.
It was a major red flag in our relationship, one I kept to myself, pinning on a smile when we met up with Lizzie or my parents, determined that none of them would know what was going on between me and Gareth.
I was also waiting to have my twelve-week scan.
But after my parents had organised our magical wedding and spent a small fortune on it, I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint them.
Meanwhile, behind closed doors, Gareth and I were at an impasse.
To me, terminating my pregnancy just felt wrong.
Meanwhile, for the first time being totally honest with me, he admitted he didn’t want children – not just now, but ever.
And what saddened me most was that had I known this for sure before the wedding, I knew it would have been the dealbreaker.
I held onto the hope that Gareth would get over the shock and change his mind. That we’d sit down one day and he’d apologise, tell me he’d been an arse. That of course he wanted children; that we’d get back to where we were before I was pregnant. That he’d do his best because we were a family.
Waiting in vain, I watched him go about day after day with a face like a thundercloud. Not sure I could endure much more of this, I thought about leaving him, bringing my baby up as a single mother. I had all the love in the world for this child I was carrying. It didn’t need Gareth’s love.
* * *
But if things were bad between us, a month later, they were about to get a whole lot worse.
‘Twins?’ He looked utterly stupefied. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’ Knowing this would only multiply his misgivings, my stomach churned nervously as I watched his face. ‘I had a scan this afternoon.’ Not wanting his negativity to ruin the occasion, I’d gone alone. ‘We’re having twins.’
‘Jesus.’ He stared at me disbelievingly. ‘Have you even thought about how we’re going to afford this?’
We would manage, of that I was in no doubt. People did – and yes, the flat was small. But babies didn’t need a lot of room. Not at first, at least.
With some trepidation, I broke the news to my parents, who, of course, were over the moon. Somehow they remained oblivious to Gareth’s feelings. But I guess it wouldn’t have occurred to them that he would be anything other than delighted.
It was Lizzie, however, who got it out of me that things were far from right. ‘What do you mean, he doesn’t want kids?’ she demanded. ‘Bit fricking late, wouldn’t you say?’
‘He didn’t tell me until after I was already pregnant,’ I said miserably. ‘Now, he’s acting like it’s some kind of immaculate conception that was nothing to do with him.’
‘He’s a fucking arse.’ Lizzie looked furious. ‘He doesn’t deserve you, Tills. He really doesn’t.’ She paused. ‘You know what you should do, don’t you?’ Her eyes were resolute. ‘Leave him and come and live with me.’
‘You’re the best.’ There was a lump in my throat. ‘But your flat is smaller than ours. And I can’t divorce him – we’ve been married four months. It’s no time.’
‘The sooner the better, I say.’ She looked at me. ‘Have you talked to Mum about this?’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t, Lizzie. Can you imagine what it would do to her? No. I have to find a way through this.’
She came over and put her arms around me. ‘If you change your mind, I’m here. I’ll always be here.’
Until the end, Lizzie was always there for me.
Since, of course, I’ve had to get on without her.
But back then, neither of us could have imagined a time she wouldn’t be here.
In my mind, I’d pictured her as an adoring aunt, lavishing love on her nieces or nephews, watching them grow up.
To the boys, she’d been all of those things.
Once or twice around that time, I went for a walk, half hoping I’d bump into Adam. I knew that with my pregnancy obvious, it would draw a clear line under whatever it was that existed between us. But fate clearly had its own plan and I never saw him.
* * *
I had no way of knowing that once the news of my pregnancy with the twins broke, my parents would provide a solution to our financial concerns. Unusually, my father was alone when he came around to our flat.
‘I was hoping to have a word – with both of you.’
‘Gareth’s not back yet, Dad.’ I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that these days, when he wasn’t working, Gareth was usually to be found in the pub.
‘In that case, perhaps you’ll tell him I wanted to give you this.’ Reaching into his pocket, he took out something and passed it to me.
I took it from him, realising it was a cheque for a large sum of money. Large enough for a deposit on a house. I stared at it. ‘You can’t do this, Dad.’
‘It will all be yours and Lizzie’s one day. Your mother and I thought, what with you having twins, it might come in useful now. This flat is jolly nice, but you’re going to need a little more space.’ He stopped. ‘Hey, there’s no need to cry.’ He frowned. ‘Is everything OK?’