Chapter 11 #2
I couldn’t stop the tears pouring down my cheeks.
There was no way Gareth deserved my parents’ generosity, but I couldn’t tell my dad that.
Instead, I was thinking of the difference this would make, not just to us, but to the twins.
‘It’s just pregnancy hormones.’ Wiping my face, I looked at him.
‘Thank you, Dad. This is so generous of you both. You’re right about this flat – it’s way too small.
I can’t tell you what a difference this will make. ’
‘It was always going to be your money,’ he said. ‘Your mother and I thought it made sense for you to have it now.’
‘Thank you.’ I hugged him.
I was conflicted; didn’t want money to be the sole reason for Gareth to stop acting like an arse.
When I showed him the cheque, he was silent.
He knew he’d upset me. He muttered a few words of gratitude, but even knowing we could now afford a family-sized house, he couldn’t bring himself to apologise.
It should have been the time of our lives – searching for our dream home, knowing that the arrival of the twins in a few months would make our family complete.
But after an initial truce, Gareth continued to act like a sulky child.
Meanwhile, wanting our children to grow up with both their parents, I was the classic enabler, continuing to make allowances for him.
Now, it seems insane. But if I could go back… Was it worth it? If I’d known how the future would work out, would I have stayed? Sliding Doors had never felt so relevant as I pictured the choices I had back then: staying with Gareth, or life without him.
Determined we’d stay together, I continued to look for houses – with my dad’s generous cheque and our combined salaries, we could afford a home with enough space for our family to grow into.
I eventually found the perfect place, Gareth reluctantly agreeing that it ticked all the boxes.
But even after our offer was accepted, he remained distant.
And so we moved into what was to become our family home, the house the boys grew up in. The one that much later on, I didn’t know that Gareth would want to take over with the woman he left me for.
With a couple of months before the babies were due, I threw myself into decorating, helped by Lizzie who made it very clear what she thought about Gareth.
‘He fricking doesn’t deserve this,’ she said, sanding a door even more ferociously.
‘I’m trying not to think of it like that,’ I said. ‘I’m thinking of the twins.’
She stopped sanding, then turned to look at me.
‘It’s so exciting.’ Her eyes were bright as they wandered to the expanse of my belly.
‘You have two babies in there,’ she said with wonder, as if she’d only just found out.
‘That husband of yours better come to his senses, or he’ll have me to answer to. ’
In my bubble of impending motherhood, I didn’t stop to consider that maybe Gareth felt trapped.
That he, too, felt our marriage had been a mistake.
That his carefree life as a young man had transited overnight into responsible adulthood, and albeit for different reasons, he was struggling every bit as much as I was.
Oh, to see ourselves as others see us. But isn’t everything easier retrospectively?
As I observe the single-mindedness of our younger selves, I glimpse our inability to see things from each other’s point of view.
The quickly formed opinions we chose not to question: mine that Gareth was shallow; Gareth’s, that I was selfish for wanting what he didn’t.
* * *
As my pregnancy went on, I told myself that once the twins were born, Gareth wouldn’t be able to resist them.
He’d wonder what he’d made such a fuss about.
And now and then, usually after a few beers, he’d apologise, explaining he was scared about what parenthood would do to our lives.
I tried to persuade him he’d feel differently when the babies were born.
But if anything, the distance between us was growing wider.
One night when he came in late, I was sitting in the kitchen crocheting a baby’s blanket. The dark look that crossed his face sent shivers down my spine.
‘We need to talk, Gareth,’ I said quietly. ‘I can’t go on like this.’
‘Not now,’ he said shortly, turning his back on me. ‘I’ve had a long day.’
‘So have I.’ I paused. He seemed to forget that as well as working, I was growing our babies. ‘Gareth? Do you want a divorce?’
He froze in the doorway. Then he turned to look at me. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘Can’t you answer my question?’ I put down my crochet. ‘It’s obvious you don’t want to be with me.’
‘I’m in a situation I never wanted.’ He couldn’t meet my eyes.
‘You’ve made that all too clear. But it doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to be parents.’ I got up and fetched a glass of water. ‘You should have told me how you really felt before the wedding.’
‘I did,’ he said heatedly.
‘You didn’t.’ I tried not to sound angry. ‘What you said was you didn’t want children straight away. That it would be better if we waited a few years. You said we needed a bigger house, which thanks to my parents, we now have.’ It was all true. ‘But it was never about the house, was it?’
‘What would you have done if I had told you before the wedding?’ he said coldly. ‘Cancelled it?’
I was silent for a moment. ‘Maybe I would have,’ I said quietly.
‘But there’s no point going over it again.
You’ve made it abundantly clear how you feel about becoming a father, even though you are going to be one and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I suppose what it comes down to is, I’ve had enough of being treated like this. ’
‘You’ve had enough?’ He stared at me. ‘You have a nerve, Tilly. You’re absolutely right – there is nothing I can do about this. But it was you who presented me with this… this… situation, and just expected me to be happy about it.’
‘This situation is not entirely of my doing.’ I was starting to get upset. ‘My eggs, your sperm, in case you’ve forgotten…’
‘Of course I haven’t fucking forgotten.’
‘Then stop acting as though I’ve done something wrong.’ My voice was shaking. ‘In a couple of months’ time, the twins will be here.’
Gareth folded his arms. ‘I don’t need reminding.’
I fought back the urge to slap him. ‘This is crazy.’ I stared at him, wondering how I ever thought him good-looking. ‘We shouldn’t have got married, should we? It was a mistake.’
As we both stood there, his silence told me everything I needed to know.
‘I’m moving out.’ There was a lump in my throat.
‘I’ll go and stay with my parents. We can figure out what to do with the house after the babies are born.
’ I held my hands protectively over my belly.
‘It’s hard enough that my body is supporting three of us at the moment.
But we’re better off apart than living together like this. ’
I remember Gareth saying nothing; that I would have given anything for him to have a change of heart.
In the silence between us, that was what I was hoping for.
But now, I know how his mind works, that he wasn’t conjuring a heartfelt apology; he was doing the maths.
Working out how much money he had to lose.
‘You don’t have to,’ he said reluctantly.
I stared at him. ‘You’re going to have to do better than that.’ As I watched him, a defeated look came over him.
Coming over, he sighed. Looking up, he met my eyes. ‘I don’t want you to go, OK?’
‘Why is that, Gareth? Because you don’t want my parents to know how unsupportive you’re being – when they’ve bankrolled the deposit for the house we’ve just bought? Or because it shows you up as the weak, self-centred person you really are?’
Hurt flickered in his eyes. ‘Is that how you see me?’
‘Yes.’ I wasn’t going to lie. ‘It is. I didn’t used to.
But now… Things have been said. Things we can’t undo.
’ By we I meant him. ‘If we’re going to stay together, our best hope is to try and put the past behind us.
We’re about to be parents. I want to give our children everything they need.
Security. Comfort. Love. Hopefully, once they’re here, you’ll want that, too. ’
‘So do I.’ But he didn’t sound convincing. It was clearly only the maths working in favour of me staying. ‘Look. I know I’ve let you down. I just wasn’t expecting to feel like this.’
It was the closest he’d come to an apology, but there was no sincerity, no emotion in his words. ‘We’re running out of time before the babies are born. We need to make a decision.’ My voice shook. ‘We stay here and do this together. Or we sell the house and I do it without you.’
I waited for him to respond, the length of silence telling me everything I needed to know. I was still convinced it was better to do this with Gareth. But even so, I’d reached my limit. ‘I love you, but I don’t need you, Gareth.’
Watching myself, I can’t believe that after everything he’d said, I was talking about love. But I can remember at the time, how desperate I felt.
It seemed to shock him out of his lethargy. ‘Are you saying you want a divorce?’
I shook my head. ‘No. I’d prefer us to be a team and do this together – for the sake of the twins. But if you can’t…’ I shrugged. ‘Then I guess it’s inevitable that’s what comes next.’
* * *
There are many kinds of love. But oh, how foolish I was, for mistaking this as one of them; for not seeing that what he wanted most was a claim on the house.
Now, it’s obvious. But what staggers me most about that time, is that when all this was going on, we’d been married less than a year.
If only we could have been honest with each other; both of us must have known that as long ago as back then, there wasn’t enough between us.